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Does this really happen ?

Old 04-09-2012, 11:01 AM
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Does this really happen ?

Hello, I am new to this forum thing but I wanted a little insight if I can get some.

My husband has finally come to the reality that he has a drinking problem. I am so proud of him for it. But, 2 days into not drinking, he tells me that our marriage is over. I am so confused and lost. I never saw anything like that coming. I thought we had a great marriage, a great friendship and our future was to be together. I told him that we need to fight for each other and save what we have built for so many years. He has told me he is no longer in love with me, but when he looks into my eyes, i don't feel that. I believe in my heart that he is lost but maybe I am trying to convince myself of something. Is this a decision that is based on his body being in shock or the shame that he could be feeling? He won't really open up and talk to me.
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Old 04-09-2012, 11:26 AM
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Hi broken wife, yes this does happen. 2 days of not drinking, so what is he doing? Is he getting help? I think a lot of times when someone stops drinking that initially they try to do it for someone else, and their resentment grows. He needs to want this for himself.

Get some alanon for yourself, you can't help him with this.

Sorry that you needed to find this site, but happy that you did, there are plenty of people here who have been in the same situation as you. Stay around more people will be here to greet you and have more wisdom than me.
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Old 04-09-2012, 01:28 PM
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Hi brokenwife,

Welcome to SR! I don't know that I have much wisdom to offer about your situation specifically, but I did want to say hello and echo what amy55 said about Alanon. It has been a lifesaver for me.

posie
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Old 04-09-2012, 01:38 PM
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Could be manipulation. He will be willing to stay married if you're willing to let him continue to drink. A win-win from his point of view. Just be patient and pay attention to his actions and not his words.

Your friend,
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Old 04-09-2012, 02:07 PM
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My Exabf always waffled back and forth between I love you , I dont' love you, I never said I loved you, I love you. I believe he truly is in his own little Hell, and the reason for that is , he hates himself. In some sick way I think I represent what could be, but the reality of the situation is, he doesn't want to stop drinking. He loves drinking, he has said as much. When push comes to shove, he will choose booze over me hands down.

Funny thing is, I never pushed him to quit drinking, that is one thing I got, it would do no good to do that. He would sometimes try to get in a conversation with me stating, I'm an alcoholic, or I'm not really and alcoholic, I would simply say ummm hmmm. Bottom line is, he doesn't know what he wants, or how to get it. It's a manipulation, maybe your husband wants you to tell him what you think because it hooks you into having to listen to his ********.

Sorry for your trouble, it sucks out loud. xoxo
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Old 04-09-2012, 02:09 PM
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I dont believe that manipulation has anything to do with it. He is the one that came to this realization. I never pushed him or got in his face about it. I knew it would always be something that he would have to see for himself. I just dont know if self-destruction like this is something that happens. I never gave him him am ultimatum. Hell, I didnt want to believe he was going down that path myself. But waking up one day and doing this to his own family worries me.
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Old 04-09-2012, 02:48 PM
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A married midlifer may feel their marriage is the cause of their growing dispair and their spouse becomes the target of their anger and frustration as the unhappiness within them consumes them. If they can get away from this person, if they can replace this person with someone who is more understanding, more comforting, then they can escape the unhappiness and pain.
For an alcoholic midlife crisis is even worse. I know mine resented his sobriety on me and then part of it was midlife crisis too. Either way was hell.
Sorry for the pain he is putting you thru, however, suffering is optional.
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Old 04-10-2012, 12:22 PM
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Its a shame, he said he was at 15 days and then he had a drink. Still convinced himself that he wants a divorce. Im not sure what to do now.
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Old 04-10-2012, 02:16 PM
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Simply saying, "I want a divorce" is a far cry from actually carrying out the process of filing and serving divorce papers...
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Old 04-10-2012, 02:36 PM
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It's just really hard to handle when those are the only words he keeps saying and he still isn't opening up and explaining why and where all this came from. A month ago, things were great (from what I knew...of our marriage)
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Old 04-10-2012, 02:52 PM
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I am so much in love with him. I have been fighting for us these past 2 weeks since he threw this bomb at me. I told him I would be there. He has to know why hes doing this but he literally answers me with "i dont know & i dont know what you want me to say". He already broke my heart, so why he cant just open up and tell me everything is beyond me. Hes done the worst already. As his partner, i do deserve direct communication but also the absolute truth. He sort of yelled at me on the phone about me just not willing to get it. Well, i dont get it. How this could happen like this, out of the blue for me with no warning. And even for him its out of character.
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Old 04-10-2012, 03:04 PM
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Of course it's unbelievable, and it hurts like hell. He is

pissed, and you are going to be the whipping post, he is giving up his best friend, he is a mess, detox is brutal, he doesn't know what he feels, the only thing he knows is he wants to bug out, he wants every one to hurt like he does.

I hate to say it, I mean really, why would anyone who is going through what he is going through right now even logically think that a life changing decision like divorce can be made. He is probably trying to figure his way into his next drink.

You need to take care of yourself. Alcoholics always throw the unbelievable at us. My axbf was railing at me one night, we were sitting outside and he was pointing his finger at me, telling me I was stupid, evil, everything was my fault, on and on ad on and the next day, told me I started it, huh??? I said not one word, not one. About an hour later I was the best thing since sliced cheese. It's madness, all of it, It will never make sense and it will change, right now you are the object of his anger, you can sit there an take it like I did, or you can tell him to keep it to himself, of course he isn't explaining anything, there is nothing to explain , except that he is using you as a whipping post.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, you did nothing to cause it.
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Old 04-10-2012, 03:26 PM
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I wish he would show mOre emotion throughout it all. His sort of yell over the phone last night was the only time hes gotten mad. He hasnt yet blamed me for anything but that. He isnt being mean other than the breaking my heart thing. Hes been calm and took all my yelling without a reaction. And my yelling was more of my emotions coming out. When he does call, its to speak to the kids. Thats all.
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Old 04-10-2012, 03:46 PM
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It's hard to even know what goes through their mind when they are detoxing and starting recovery. Mine would be nice one minute and then go into this rage over something so trivial. He would storm out of the house then phone me a few hours later and say "why didn't you stop me?" WTF??? His emotions were all over the place. He was not well physically or mentally. All I could think of was God this must be hell for them going through this, but I also could not subject myself to this kind of treatment and had to disconnect.
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Old 04-10-2012, 03:52 PM
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I told him i would go through with what he wants. Not because I want to but because he chose to destroy us. I really dont want this but I cant fight a brick wall. I am so afraid of what will happen after it does start and he realizes too late after its all done. My heart is breaking but I need to he strong for my kids and myself.
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Old 04-10-2012, 03:58 PM
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Who knows what's going on with him; however, I would do a 180 on him.

There's other sites that get into it, but here's one forum with the basic priniciples:

Plan A vs. 180 Plan - Marriage Builders® Forums

You might also want to check out the Divorce Busting forums:

DivorceBusting.com - Forums powered by UBB.threads™
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Old 04-10-2012, 05:17 PM
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Originally Posted by brokenwife2012 View Post
He has to know why hes doing this
No, he doesn't. Not while it's happening. In fact he himself probably has no idea what is going on inside his own head right now.
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Old 04-10-2012, 05:33 PM
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Yeah, thats a whole other story. It has been a while but it has been for work. We always saw him for weekends. And every weekend with us was great. Until 2 weekends ago.
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Old 04-11-2012, 05:32 AM
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NOT to hurt anyone's feelings, but I am with you anvil. Unfortunately, addict behaviors are so predictable and when my ex was so "willing" to let me go...I knew what was up.
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Old 04-11-2012, 05:54 AM
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Look at it this way, if he wasn't an A and moved out and said he wanted a divorce what would you think?

I agree with Anvil, start looking into how you are going to make it on your own. You can probably get a free consultation with a Lawyer so look into that. Before you go get together all your important documents, figure out your assets, debts, incoming money and outgoing money from all sources.

Think about child support and heathcare coverage for the kids.

Do you have someplace to go if there are issues with your house and who gets it?

Lot of stuff to start thinking about. Don't get overwhelmed though, it is doable. I am in the middle of it right now. I moved out on my AW a year ago and am in the process of divorcing her. Luckily for me our kids are adults with families of there own so I don't have to deal with that issue.

You can make it through this and believe it or not, no matter how scary it is now, living without the alcoholic and all the drama that is part of it is well worth it.

Your friend,
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