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Does this really happen ?

Old 04-26-2012, 11:32 AM
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YOu are doing sooooooo good. You have come a long way and inspire the heck out of me.

xoxooxxo Katie
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Old 04-26-2012, 12:12 PM
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I wish I felt like I've come a long way but I don't. I am just going to accept whats been theown my way. Its hard, no doubt.
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Old 04-26-2012, 12:20 PM
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I second the previous poster in offering kudos for how well you're doing considering all you're facing.

Sending warm thoughts your way.
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Old 04-27-2012, 06:17 AM
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So, last night was the first night I went out since this whole thing happened. I didnt want to go out before that because I didnt want to do anything that I would regret, like call him or cry in front of people or something stupid. I had a great time with a great friend. And what was even better than that was when I got home, my son was so excited to see me. He was already in bed sleeping for a few hours. He sees me all the time except when hes in school, so the fact that he grabbed me and hugged me so tight made me realize even more how lucky I am. My daughter was passed out but when she saw me in the morning she dis the exact same thing. I LOVE them.

Now, to get through this whole weekend with HIM being here will hopefully be easy for me. Jeez.
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Old 04-27-2012, 04:56 PM
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OK, a little bit of a setback just a little while ago but I am seeing everything in a new light.

He called to accuse me of trying to hack his phone, which I wouldn't even know how to do. All I did was change my password for the cell phone account. He was lying on the phone, being a complete jerk (boy do I wish I could curse on this forum) and just down right low. I finally, in a very nice way but with a lil' attitude, told him off. Here I was all along being the strong one, the better person and stupidly being nice. Well, I had it. Do I ever want him back or have our marriage fixed? HELL NO. He even tried to say that he isn't an Alcoholic. REALLY? Oh okay, so it's NOT a problem when you choose to drink rather than anything else and drink more than a 12pk of beer (sometimes even more and sometime other liquor) every night and pass out? He's now in the denial stage. That's funny to me. What a crock of s**t. I am glad we had this conversation. I needed this.

Unfortunately he is coming here for the weekend to do outdoor household fixes for my sons communion and is going to hang with the kids (that's if he actually wants to be a daddy this weekend). Lucky me !!!

He also tried to put the blame on me and asked why, if I loved him with my whole heart, didn't I push him more to talk about what was going on in his head. Why didn't I move heaven and earth to find out what was wrong with him. How the heck am I suppose to know that something was wrong with his feelings about our marriage. Every time I asked him if there was something he needed to talk to me about, he always said it was either work related or just the fact that he was so miserable living without us while he worked so far away. So, why would I even think he was having issues with his feelings? I'll tell you why, because this wasn't the problem. He made it the problem.

Don't get me wrong, a lot was said but I do not want to go into full detail about that. He is making this much easier for me to let him run away. I know that that is what he wants anyway. So, peace out MOFO. I will be better off without you.

Sorry for my rant but this truly isn't even me going off yet.
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Old 04-27-2012, 05:44 PM
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Oh Broken....

Maybe this is the "More will be revealed" part. Sheesh, this is the guy who refused to open up, communicate, provide answers to you when you asked? Rant away.
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Old 04-27-2012, 08:01 PM
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Dear Broken Wife 2012,

May I ask how old you both are and how many years you are married?

My alcoholic husband is 59, I just turned 58 and back in November we celebrated our 31st anniversary YET we have been separated for a little over 2 years.

The reason why I ask is because about 8 years ago, my H started pulling away from me emotionally then eventually sexually. He stopped wearing his wedding band and his drinking of wine kept increasing. Apparently he was unhappy with our marriage. Did he ever discuss this with me? NO. Instead he would fight with me over stupid stuff then claim he wanted a divorce. Over 31 years, we have been to 5 different marriage counselors. Each year got worse BUT it was mixed with good memories and he saying he loved me.
3 years ago it really took a downward spiral. The lies, claiming he was working late but coming home at 1 am, stone cold drunk. We have 2 adult sons, an empty nest they had no clue what was going on. Although I suspected him cheating on me, he claimed he wasn't. So, it was because of the drinking that I pushed him out. Well, I was right about the infidelity.

Since then he has tried to come back. I do know we love each other but something was always standing in the way - ALCOHOL. Back in late Feb. he FINALLY admitted to me he had a drinking problem. He was sober for 4 days. During this same time I discovered he never stopped being with his ex lover.

I haven't talked to him in 2 weeks now. I am done.

What I have learned from this forum and another one I found strictly with AA PLUS what I learned from Al Anon, I do believe all this confusion of I want you, I love, I don't want to be married to you, comes from alcohol.

They don't know what they want. Alcohol doesn't let them have feelings / emotions.

I don't know if I helped you.

What I am trying to say is this....maybe because your husband is really missing his drink, feeling the bad side effects of not drinking, he is resenting you & the marriage, just like I believe my husband is with me.

The way I view my husband, he wants me and the comfort of his family BUT he wants his drinking buddy, his lover. I draw the line. NO WAY.

I am not divorcing strictly because I have both of my sons getting married in 2013. I need money for that. Besides, I don't have a special person in my life now.

I still need to get over my H. I still love him...it is hard to accept that the marriage is really over when your spouse says, " you are the love of my life. "

Did I make any sense ?? Did it help you ?? God, I hope so. I am still confused.
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Old 04-28-2012, 08:50 AM
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Dear ODAT63 -
Were you speaking to Brokenwife 2012 from your experience with an A besides being a mid life crisis ? Just curious for this has been my life for years....the past 2 being separated because I couldn't take the drinking anymore besides the lying and cheating.

Just wondering if this was your life, are you still married to the A ?

Mary Ann
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Old 04-28-2012, 09:04 AM
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Dear Pigtails....

Thank you for sharing....you gave me a very good insight into what my A husband is all about. We have been separated for a little over 2 years. We still love each other very much but he is so conflicted. Yes, he has cheated and lied and still does both. I am very forgiving but enough is enough. I love myself first but I still couldn't get a handle on him.

WHY ? Because when he is being this jerk, he really is a very loving & caring person.

Such a long story. Maybe if you email me privately I could explain him.

Mary Ann
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Old 05-02-2012, 12:16 PM
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I really didn't know if I was going to write anymore, since I didn't even know where my thoughts were.

Well, this past weekend I went to an occasion and drank. I am not a drinker. Not at all. But I was having fun, and it started to numb the pain. Yeah, a few too many is what I had. My AH was the one to pick me and my friend up at the place after it was over and boy, I don't remember a thing after that. Apparently, I said some awful things to him, things that I don't remember and don't want to remember. I also sent a message to his alcoholic friend which I read the next afternoon. It wasn't mean, if you ask me, but I did tell him that I don't want him at my son's communion. Message received. The AH is pissed and we fought the next day. But somehow ended things on a more peaceful note. Now, he tells me that he can't trust anything that comes out of my mouth because of things that I said the night before. EXCUSE ME ??? Come on now. He tells me that a drunk person tells the truth when they speak. Ok, so how does this make sense? Then basically, what he has said in the past was the truth and now that he's trying to be sober he's lying? Well, every time he told me he loved me, only wanted me, couldn't imagine life without me and so on, he did say when he was drunk but also said it when he was sober....up until a little over a month ago. Am I rambling? Sorry if I am.

What the hell?

Then he tries to get nasty and tell me things to have me let go quick. I'm not trying to hold on, I am trying to understand. No matter how strong I am, I am still sad over all of this. But, on the other hand, I will be better very soon.

I hope I didn't confuse anyone. I just can't leave details of what I said since I don't know exactly what was said.
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Old 05-02-2012, 12:59 PM
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Just keep living your life, at your pace.

With time, patience, perhaps some distance, life will refocus.

Continue to keep you and your kids your top priority.

It is what it is right now. Hang in there.
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Old 05-02-2012, 06:24 PM
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Distance isnt working though. I see him 3-4 days out of the week. As soon as sports are over it should go down to maybe 2 days a week. But knowing his behavior lately, I'm almost betting that he will eventually slip out of the kids lives for long periods of time. We shall see !
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Old 05-02-2012, 07:10 PM
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Sometimes it's just better to conclude that he just has "something wrong upstairs" and not be trying to figure out how much of a role the alcoholism plays or doesn't play. Some people, it's like their mid-life crisis becomes a mid-life nuclear war. They just snap.
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Old 05-02-2012, 10:30 PM
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So if you know his next move ,
you are ahead of the game,
adjust your sails, and sail towards shore.
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Old 05-05-2012, 10:36 AM
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Originally Posted by brokenwife2012 View Post
He also tried to put the blame on me and asked why, if I loved him with my whole heart, didn't I push him more to talk about what was going on in his head. Why didn't I move heaven and earth to find out what was wrong with him. How the heck am I suppose to know that something was wrong with his feelings about our marriage. Every time I asked him if there was something he needed to talk to me about, he always said it was either work related or just the fact that he was so miserable living without us while he worked so far away. So, why would I even think he was having issues with his feelings? I'll tell you why, because this wasn't the problem. He made it the problem.
See, it will always be your fault. They will not accept blame for anything - your reactions (because remember - alcoholics act and we REACT) have to be "perfect", and their opinion of what is perfect keeps changing day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. And because we've somehow let them manipulate and emotionally blackmail us into "understanding" how we have been at fault, no matter the issue, it makes it even more difficult for us to step back, detach from their problem, and heal.

Hang in there, friend...I am going through something somewhat similar.
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Old 05-05-2012, 10:44 AM
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Originally Posted by cat4554 View Post
The reason why I ask is because about 8 years ago, my H started pulling away from me emotionally then eventually sexually. He stopped wearing his wedding band and his drinking of wine kept increasing. Apparently he was unhappy with our marriage. Did he ever discuss this with me? NO. Instead he would fight with me over stupid stuff then claim he wanted a divorce.
Thank you for this insight...I am going through exactly this same thing right now - no wedding ring, drinking everyday as soon as he comes home from work & increased wine amount (bottle, bottle and a half, etc.). No touching, hugging, holding, kissing, smiling, talking, nothing. All I get is "Dinner is really good, thank you." Fights that start from "nothing" and he wants to leave, hates me, wants a divorce. Part of this is he's angry that we don't have kids yet.

Just wanted to share.
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Old 05-05-2012, 11:03 AM
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The disease feeds itself on resentments. The AA Big Book has much in it about this.

It does not matter what the addict decides to resent--the sex, the dinner, the color of the front door, the mail being late, the price of gas, his boss, the taste of the coffee, the neighbor's cat, your voice, your hair, your clothes, your career, your friends, your basic need for decent treatment......

Some wives, and husbands, have not been truly loved in a meaningful way by their addict spouses for decades. One of my close friends--not in recovery--has stayed with her A for 25 years and been extremely abused by his bitter lashings out at her, at home and in public.

When I asked her why she stays, she says that she thought she could prevent him from driving off drunk and killing somebody.

I once gave her a small box of recovery literature. It sits unopened in her garage. She still suffers and he has moved from alcohol to pills.

So I just love her and talk about other things.

brokenwife, maybe if you sit down with pen and paper and find again your highest values, your principles for living an honorable life, you will find your center. You will know better who you are. You will be able to say no and able to say yes from a feeling of conviction. You will measure the choice before you, at any time, against your principles and find your answer.
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Old 05-06-2012, 04:11 PM
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My son's communion was great. We acted like the happy couple we used to be. No family members know what's going on. I just don't want anyone involved. Only 1 problem with yesterday.......he was more than happy to knock those beers back. It was sad for me to watch but I wasn't going to say anything. He has admitted to being an Alcoholic only to me and 1 other person (who is also a recovering alcoholic himself for 18 years). He has been sober that long and knew my AH was in fact, an alcoholic. But well, since no one else knew what was going on, they just saw it as a normal thing for him to have a bottle of beer in his hand. Isn't that just sad? I think so. We were civil, as much as I wanted to still yell at him, but oh well. Just trying to get through this week/weekend coming and then seeing him should die down a bit. YAY !!! I need that to happen. He still doesn't show much interest in the kids, so nothings changed there. I didn't expect it.
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Old 05-06-2012, 04:46 PM
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"No family members know what's going on."

These are hallmarks of codependency...avoiding, playing lets pretend and covering up for the addict.

How are those meetings coming along?
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Old 05-06-2012, 05:18 PM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
"No family members know what's going on."

These are hallmarks of codependency...avoiding, playing lets pretend and covering up for the addict.

How are those meetings coming along?

That right there is one of my biggest regrets.
I kept EVERYTHING from the family.
Until the walls came crashing down and I finally couldn't keep the smiley-face story going any longer.

I didn't want to bother anyone when the issues were "small"...but instead of putting out small fires...I handed everyone a BOMB several months later.

I spent WEEKS in tears trying to catch everyone up on the months of sorrows that had been going on behind the veil that I had installed. It changed my relationship with the entire family.

If I could go back in time...I would have dropped the act before it even started. I can only see now, in reflection, why everyone SHOULD have known.

Now in Al Anon, I see alcoholism as a family disease.
By not telling the family, my behavior was akin to KNOWING that we had all been diagnosed with a potentially deadly disease...and keeping it a secret.
I would NEVER have done that if it was...say...cancer.
So for the life of me, I don't know why I did it for alcoholism.
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