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Does this really happen ?

Old 05-06-2012, 05:29 PM
  # 101 (permalink)  
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It's not the alcoholism that I a keeping from them, it's everything else that is personally happening to me and my kids.
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Old 05-06-2012, 05:54 PM
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Oh, I see....
You know...I did that too!

The most horrid result of that was that I sunk so deep into my misery and resentment...that I didn't show up at a family wedding.

I was so angry and so sullen...and had put on the smiley face for SO LONG...that I just couldn't bare to go to the wedding and take happy family photos and hold his hand and act like everything was lovely.

I just couldn't do it...so I didn't...

And because know one knew what was going on with ME, everyone was so upset at me! "Why did she blow it off?" "Did she have something BETTER to do??" "What's HER problem??"

I've truly been there.
I didn't want people to think that I was trying to make everything about ME.

The funny thing was, when I finally crashed and burned and unleashed all the stories about what *I* had been going through...the floodgates of emotional and mental support blew open. I found open arms. I wish I would have found them sooner!

That doesn't happen in every situation...I know.
But sometimes....people surprise you.
I hope you are soon surprised by how much love you can find in sharing with your family. I hope they are there for you and the kids!
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Old 05-06-2012, 06:24 PM
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Thank you RedCandle.

I am able to put on the face of 'happiness". I do it for my kids since they don't know what is going on. I'm sure my son has an idea but doesn't know what it is. He's smart and notices that aren't anymore kisses and hugs, which we were always doing in front of them. But, since things have been crazy with planing his party, I was able to somehow get him through that.

I do know that my family and friends will have open arms and be there for all 3 of us. It is going to be tough. I just still can't believe my marriage fall apart without my knowledge. I have to remember that my AH has a disease and is very sick. It just hurts all the same. I also don't want anyone putting their 2 cents in when it comes to the kids and what we agree on. Some people are just ridiculous and think they know what's best. I know what's best.
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Old 05-06-2012, 06:48 PM
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"I know what's best. "

Speaking in all honesty, when emotions are involved I think that input from others who can think with their heads and not their hearts are of great value and support.

Your son knows more than you think, he has heard and seen everything...children internalize their fears and discontent. Why don't you sit down with him and explain what is going on, why let him hang on the sideline trying to figure it out on his own.
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Old 05-06-2012, 06:57 PM
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I am only going by what I read in your postings and I know that your every thought and feeling is not expressed everytime you post. Has your husband said anymore to you about his wanting a divorce or did he just mention it that once? You say that you are acting like the happy family because your kids don't know, nor any other family members. I trust that you do know what is best for your kids, but for how long do you think you will have to continue "acting?" Are you continuing status quo until.....? I can understand the fact that this is still newish, but won't there come a time maybe sooner rather than later that your kids should be told the truth, whatever that is? Do you know where you are heading with this? I know this isn't an easy time for you Broken. I'm just wondering if you have processed what happened a few weeks ago.
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Old 05-06-2012, 07:14 PM
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I have to say though, at least he told you he wants a divorce, which means he doesn't want to be in control of you. My father, on the other hand, wanted to stay married to my mom and at the same time practice concubinage...lol he didn't want a divorce, he wanted to "pretend" he was a bachelor but with a house and wife to go "home" to...

BTW, he's what the folks of SR would call a "normie" or non-alcoholic/addict.
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Old 05-06-2012, 08:02 PM
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We have spoken about the divorce since the day he blew my world apart. I haven't fully processed everything yet. I am learning more and more each day as to what is happening. I am still crushed, but since he is being so cold about it and not wanting to talk at all, I am left with no choice. I can talk all I want, but he isn't listening. He tunes it out. I so truly wanted to do some sort of counseling or whatever it is that we (he) needed but he rejected it without thought. It's even more difficult since we haven't "lived" under the same roof in quite a while, but that was a choice for work, nothing else. I do believe that living apart gave him a look at what single life would be like. He has no one to "answer to", ya know. No responsibilities and that's also when his drinking became so much more. It was already getting pretty bad but it became heavier and heavier. He talks to that girl still, knowing how much it bothers/hurts me and he doesn't give a rats behind. I don't like her. But I also don't like him much anymore. I hate that I still love him.

We have never spoken in front of or near the kids about it. I don't think he knows exactly what it is, but yes, my son is very smart. I have 3 very good friends that I talk to, who are my best support and are guiding me through some of these things. We are going to try and make this a quick thing, as long as he doesn't turn around and be a d**k. Which, at any given moment, he can be. It's just who he's become. I have to remember everyday that he is no longer the man I married. He is a whole different person, and not a good one.
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Old 05-06-2012, 08:14 PM
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I'm sorry broken...

I was thinking of you when you posted, put on the smiles and act like the happy family, in so far as you being the one this is killing. I hate to think of him getting the best of both worlds, coming home to "the family" and doing what he wants and leaving for the work week and doing what he wants there. Try to begin thinking of him as the man he really is now. Do you love him the way he is now? You can mourn the loss of that man and the love you had, which is different than thinking you are still in love with the man he is now.
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Old 05-06-2012, 09:15 PM
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This is killing me. He still looks like a great guy to everyone. But all I see is a failed man. I see a diseased individual that is still running from his problem. Once a man, now a coward. We have been married for 11 years now an all of it is just gone, in a heartbeat. I think the reality of it is that I didnt realize the man I loved so much and planned a life with died. In a way, he did. Its hard. He always did what he wanted, when he wanted. He always had the best of both worlds. I DO NOT love him the way he is now. I just wish I could stop remembering the man he was.

I know after a while that I will be ok. And then not far from that moment, I will be so much happier than I knew I could be. I will not settle. Not for anyone. I did that already. Look where it got me. I tried seeing the best in him, some of it there but some I think I might have imagined. He is absolutely ok with not having his kids in his life full time. He wont even have them part time and he is good with it. How sad is that? But, it does work out best for the kids. He was never a good daddy to them. He was always too busy with something/someone else to play with them.

This is ALL his loss. The more I think about it and keep my eyes open wide, I see that I am not losing out. I am gaining everything. I just wish that the recovery of my broken heart will be quick. I cant understand how I am still able to cry over this. I hate being so sensative.
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Old 05-06-2012, 11:29 PM
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Broken, don't feel bad. You are grieving and no matter how bad things had become, it is still a devastating loss. I once read that when a marriage breaks up, its not two people going their separate ways. It's two parts of one whole that have been ripped apart. That's how I felt when my AH and I were separated. Hugs to you.
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Old 05-07-2012, 06:03 AM
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It was more than ripped apart. But it was all him. He had help with doing it too. I know that no one put a gun to his head but apparently some people (the lil ***** he's been talking to) had a good bit of influence. She probably gave him the step by step instructions. It was still fresh in her head from when she did it. He allowed that to happen.
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Old 05-07-2012, 06:26 AM
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And you can refer to her as lil xxxxx. Is nothing sacred anymore (rhetorical question) Although something very similar happened to a friend of mine. When the dust settled, she was almost grateful to the lil xxxxx because she saw who her husband really was. She went on to be her own person and eventually met a real man years later.
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Old 05-07-2012, 07:10 AM
  # 113 (permalink)  
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I can't wait until I meet a real man. I also can't wait to meet a person that my kids can look up to. And I probably will be grateful. He keeps insisting that there's nothing going on but the phone records prove otherwise. I think he is so used to lying that he can't even spit the truth out.
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Old 05-07-2012, 07:54 PM
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Nice girl is eventually going bye bye. His true colors are flying out. He's nasty and cruel and still trying to convince me (and himself) of certain things. How do I go about this? How does one "talk" with and alcoholic who is in denial. He is trying to say he isn't an alcoholic even more now than last week. How does one admit it and then take it back?
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Old 05-07-2012, 10:46 PM
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Originally Posted by brokenwife2012 View Post
Nice girl is eventually going bye bye. His true colors are flying out. He's nasty and cruel and still trying to convince me (and himself) of certain things. How do I go about this? How does one "talk" with and alcoholic who is in denial. He is trying to say he isn't an alcoholic even more now than last week. How does one admit it and then take it back?
He's nasty and cruel and still trying to convince me (and himself) of certain things.
Does this surprise you?

How do I go about this? How does one "talk" with and alcoholic who is in denial.
You cannot have a meaningful conversation with an alcoholic. It is out of your control.

He is trying to say he isn't an alcoholic even more now than last week.
I am sure he would like to believe that, but it doesn't make it true, and you will not convince him otherwise. You have no control.

How does one admit it and then take it back?
Easy, you admit it, then take it back. Again, no control. None at all.

You can only control your reaction.

Please, this is insanity. Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. Sounds like he is sliding quick now.
Time to stop studying him like a psychology project and get on with your life.

Yes, this really does happen, in homes all over the world. Every day, all day.

Beth
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Old 05-10-2012, 04:58 AM
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Accepting everything is hard. Knowing his short comings are easy.

He is still drinking on a regular basis. He says that hes doing fine with his drinking and it is only every other, sometimes every 2 days. I don't understand how that's a good thing. He doesn't want to stop. I can't push him. His friends are supportive of his cheating and lying to me and for breaking up his family, but not one of them is trying to help him with his alcoholism. I can't believe that I never saw them for who they are. I've also realized that every friend that we had, that were his first, are all fake and frauds. I can't believe how much of my time I wasted with them. I had my kids around them. It's amazing how much I am seeing now.

His w***e is still calling him as well as him calling her. He really doesn't know how to keep his word. It hurts. I wish I could shut off all feelings and move on. We are proceeding with the divorce. He is cold and unattached. He doesn't want the kids more than every other weekend. That works for me, but I can't believe he is willing to give them up after claiming how much he loves them and how important they are to him. Truth is, they aren't as important to him as alcohol. I understand this disease but I still can't understand how he let it get the best of him.

He was once an amazing guy. I think only for about 4 years out of our relationship though. After that is when he started going downhill. He drank the whole day during my sons communion celebration. He didn't go to bed until the last beer was gone from the cooler.

I have some amazing friends that I have known for years and I am so grateful for them. I just wish they lived closer to me so I can see them. I'm starting Alanon soon with a friend of mine. I was thinking of not going since I don't actually have to live/deal with an alcoholic because he isn't around us. Only on weekends, which luckily are dying down. But what I forgot was I do need this for my kids as well. I have to be able to help them. They are the only importance to me. While he threw all of us in a wreckage, it is my job to safely bring them out with guidance, honesty, love and support. I will not protect him anymore from my kids learning about him.

I don't want to fight with him anymore but sometimes I can't help it. I think it's ok that I am hurt, feel betrayed, angry and feel all of those other emotions. One of his friends told me that I need to move forward and get past all of this now. Wow, I think that is easier said than done. Especially since I never saw any of it coming my way. Yes, he has been a huge disappointment, as a husband, a friend and as a daddy. But I still always loved him. What I am focusing on now is not the love, but all the mess he made without thought. How easy it was for him to walk out and not look back. How there is not one ounce of remorse or even the slightest emotion showing. This is all still very fresh. It happened less than 2 months ago.

We had made an agreement that we weren't telling anyone until we were both ready and now I find out that he has told so many people. How could I think he would keep another word of his?

I don't get any of it, I guess I won't either. He sucks. I will come out of this on top. He will probably live in the hell he created for a very long time if he doesn't seek help. I can't worry about him anymore. He doesn't care about me.
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Old 05-10-2012, 05:15 AM
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Awesome post, English Garden.
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Old 05-10-2012, 03:13 PM
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i am sorry. don't take any ones advice you will just grow pissed and resentful. do what feels right until you look at him amd hate him like the rest of have learned to do......im sorry just keeping it real..... this post just p's me off.
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Old 05-11-2012, 08:36 AM
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Last night, with the help from someone, I finally told 4 very important people EVERYTHING. It was something that I didn't think I could do, but boy did it feel great to get it all out. I was scared. I didn't know if they would be supportive or what. People's loyalties lie with those they choose. Well, I am so relieved and grateful that their support is with me. I told them every single detail. I did that because I don't trust him to actually tell them the truth and purposely make me look like the bad guy in all this. Their responses were amazing. They thought I was crazy for not leaving him years ago. I had no idea they felt like that for so long. I did tell them that I don't want them to hate him or yell and scream at him. It's not going to work. He is a ALCOHOLIC. He is sick. He is not the same man he was once upon a time. Alanon meetings are starting for them as well this week.

To actually speak of everything with someone in person really does make me feel better. Their thoughts are the same as mine....the kids. The kids are the main important people in all of this. Him getting help is important but that is something he will have to decide all on his own.

The friends he hangs out with are no good for him. We all agree on that. They saw that before I did. I really was blinded so much by my love for him. Yes, I saw a lot of things that I tried myself to change, but I am seeing soooooo much more now than before.

I thank them so much for being there for me, I need them more than I thought I did.
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Old 05-11-2012, 10:24 AM
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One bit of advice or perspective I'll offer...

If he is saying he wants the kids only every other weekend, get that in writing, get to a lawyer FAST and get it done.

My AH was a disinterested and still is, father. He is now fighting for 50% custody and will get it bc I am in an insane state with a MANDATORY 50% split custody rule unless there is serious neglect etc... (my word vs his about his drinking and abusiveness isn't proof).

Anyway, I say this to you bc I wish I'd acted swiftly long ago. Once I did take steps to end this marriage and he knew that all I cared about was the girls, he realized that was the one remaining way to hurt me.

Your AH may not want the kids now so I'd seize the opportunity to take him at his word and protect your kids from being with him more frequently.

He's giving you a gift in a way by saying he wants out and wants to be a delinquent father.

My AH would have preferred the life of having a home and kids and wife to come home to but wanted to continue behaving like an a$$. When I said no, he realized that taking the girls 50% of the time from me was the last way to hurt me.

Take your AH at his word and get it legalized and protect yourself in ways I didn't and I will always regret it.

Good for you by the way, for telling people what's going on. When I started to do so for the first time it was empowering and I felt a huge load was lifted from my shoulders.
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