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I don't want to chicken out!

Old 12-15-2011, 07:08 AM
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I don't want to chicken out!

My plan is to leave my AH in the New Year, with our 2 yr old, and go live with my mom. AH has no idea, because I didn't bother with threats/ultamatums like I have in the past. Right now he's acting like 'Mr. Nice Guy' and it's actually really pissing me off! Is it totally weird that I want to say to him 'just go out and get drunk cuz you know you're dying to!' ??? I keep my mouth shut, though.

For the sake of family Christmas, I'm waiting til after the holidays to leave (and trying to plan now) but I'm worried I won't have the guts to do it.

Anyone have advice or can share their similiar circumstance? Any 'tips' on leaving your AH? He's not physically abusive, it's more I expect him to play every emotional manipulation game in the book. I'm worried it will work on me again and I won't be able to leave. I really have to leave, I'm so out of love with him. When he touches me it makes me cringe.
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Old 12-15-2011, 07:37 AM
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Hi Pixie, ((((hugs))))

All I can tell you is that I left my alcoholic wife when the pain of staying was greater that the pain of leaving. As soon as I reached that point there wasn't anything that was going to stop me.

Your friend,
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Old 12-15-2011, 07:39 AM
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I..by no means am in a place to give advice..but I can tell you what I've experience the last 3 months.

I left my RAH end of September, I was scared to death. After he watched me pack for a week without saying a word he grabbed his hunting gear on Friday left for the weekend..then came back on Sunday saying he had no idea I was leaving. REALLY???? He didn't want me to leave..he says...too late now..on Saturday I had found an apartment, signed a lease. He didnt say a word the whole week..and went I attempted to talk about it and ask is this what he really wants...no response. So I had HUGE guilt for leaving him..as he put it..I abandoned him... i was sooo terribly confused..honestly the first month was horrible..a part of me wanted to be back with him..i guess because it was all I knew..maybe like some sort of comfort zone. And even though I sincerely thought he wanted me gone...he guilted me that I was believing I was a horrible person.

The 2nd month was better...that's when I decided to start going to church again(he didn't like my church...too contempary..so we never went) and Celebrate Recovery every Monday night..it's like Al-anon but with a worship service. It took most of that month to feel like I can breath and have a complete thought that only involved my needs..wow!

I'm currently into my 3rd month since I left..and even though we are still on the fence as far as "to divorce or not to divorce"..I can tell my confidence and self-estem are growing..baby steps..but last night we had a fight and I didn't melt into puddle..I didn't even cry..he hung up on me..and I didn't call him back. 3 months ago I would have rang his phone off the hook and then if he didn't answer..drive to the house....my co-dependant brain thinks that is ok..lol.

Haha...I guess the moral to this (long) story..is that if you do feel you should leave..even if it's for a lil while...time does help you heal. And you find out the world still continues to revolve without him being in the center. I know I am still a long ways to being better..and I expect I will hit the wall a hundred more times. But I can honestly say that today..this minute..I feel pretty good. I haven't said that in a very long time.

Thoughts and prayers for you
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Old 12-15-2011, 07:53 AM
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There is no perfect time to leave. IME waiting for the perfect time is a way to stay paralized and it made everything so much worse on so many levels.

You have your date. Go, just go. Give yourself the gift of not living together again for at least 6mos. In hindsight I wish I'd have went no contact right off the bat. I had to have some contact for the kids but wish I'd have done only email and only replied to just those things. The emotional manipulation can get insane. If he wants to talk I'd insist on doing it in a therapists office. Cheaper then a lawyer. I filed for divorce and wish I'd have just had everything go through a lawyer even if it cost me a fortune. We did meet in a therapists office and that was OK but wish I'd have went no contact the rest of the time.

Also - get yourself a therapist that specializes in addictions and go on your own. A good one is worth their weight in gold during this time.

SR was also really helpful.
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Old 12-15-2011, 09:03 AM
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The only "tip" I can give you is to keep your eye on the ball. You're making plans to leave, which is a clear indication that you are unhappy and that there's a good reason for it. Perhaps it would help you if you wrote down a list of things that you'll be getting away from, along with a list of things you can look forward to once you have left...keep the list handy and re-read it. LOTS.

Yes, he will no doubt thrash about, rant, rave, manipulate, cajole, threaten, etc etc. Nothing you can do about that, right? Just expect him to pull out every trick in the book, and make sure to keep any and all conversation to email, so that it can be documented. And obviously, keep all conversation on the topic of visitation and custody. Everything else is off limits. That will give you time to gain perspective, strengthen your resolve, and talk to a lawyer (or two or three).

You can do this.
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Old 12-15-2011, 09:36 AM
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oh my god thank you so much for your kind and helpful words! I was just reading the sticky about emotional abuse and it's finally dawning on me that he does treat me like an 'object' that he needs, not his friend/partner/lover. I'm close to tears making that realization but it's strengthening my resolve to leave. I'm so glad I found this place and I plan to go to alanon too.
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Old 12-15-2011, 09:47 AM
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Pixie Girl, 14 yrs ago I left my ex AH. I told him on the spur of the moment that I wanted to leave him. He told me if I stayed for 2 weeks, he would not fight it. I did stay the extra 2 weeks to get things set up. During this time he was the model husband, no drinking, sweet as sugar. 2 weeks later I was packing up my truck to move my stuff and he went beserk. He thought he had done a good job the previous 2 weeks and that once I thought about it I would change my mind. I did leave with my daughter and I never regretted it. 14 yrs later he is STILL drinking heavily. Please, I was petrified when I left. I had no marketable skills, I had never lived on my own and I didn't know if I could do it. It was not easy but I made it through. You can do it. Stick to your guns.
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Old 12-15-2011, 03:34 PM
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actually, I really understand being scared of caving, after I made the decision to leave xah I was very scared that I would be talked round again, as I had been before. For me that fear wasn't based on my not being ready, it was based on self-knowledge and the evidence of my past behaviour.

the fear that I might chicken out, didn't stop me, it helped me rally and build resources (a therapist etc) to help me work through that. I am now more than 2 and a half years on from that decision, divorced, and have bought my own home. there have been times when it has been really tough but never anywhere near as tough as living with an active alcoholic, and I have never regretted leaving for a second, although I have mourned the fact that leaving was my best available choice. I no longer regret those times I caved before, because I knew when I left that I had done everything in my power to save the relationship, to live with it, and been beyond reasonable giving thousnads of "last chances", but if I had my time over I would leave earlier.

Use the fear, see what it tells you about yourself, and marshall some resources to help you work through any issues it throws up during the process.

xxx
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Old 12-15-2011, 04:00 PM
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I know it is a big step and it is hard to get the guts to leave. The fear of the new and unknown is uncomfortable, and scary. Keep your mind set toward your goal. You planned it for a reason. "Nothing will change if nothing changes," is a quote that I try to go by a lot. If you don't strive and take the step to make changes then nothing will change.
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Old 12-15-2011, 06:05 PM
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It might help you to have a friend lined up to come over when you plan to leave. If you explain all the reasons to your friend why you're leaving, and then, at the last minute, chicken out, you'll have to explain the reasons why you changed your mind. I dunno, but it might work. Hugs to you and best of luck!
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Old 12-16-2011, 09:06 AM
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JenT1968: Everything you said is exactly how I feel! And I expect I also won't regret it - I so look forward to getting my own place and some PEACE for once.
I can't believe I'm actually emailing divorce lawyers today. I'm re-reading my journal from the last couple years and I sound like a broken record!....except this time I'm not trying to force him to change, I'm just done with him and this relationship. I'm trying to let go of all the hopes I had for our marriage that I realize would probably never come true.
I'm realizing that what I thought was love from him for me was actually neediness. I realize now that he doesn't support me in the things that are really important to me in life, it's like he sees me as a thing he needs to take care of him and make him feel better. So much clarity!
Now if I can just get through Christmas. I don't want to do a bunch of explaining to all the family about what's going on so I'll just wait til after. I can't wait for this stupid holiday to be over.
Thanks so much everyone!
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Old 12-16-2011, 09:48 AM
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Just please be careful what you email a lawyer because ANYTHING you tell them is NOT subject to confidentiality until you have retained (PAID) them. Know your rights in your state, spend some time reading. Google divorce and the name of your state and you will get links that will educate you, so that you are best prepared.
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