MsGrace

I agree with the other posters....my AH said "let's be civil, arrive at a good solution" then had the absolute craziest ideas you can imagine (no sober person could have arrived at). I knew early on that especially in a legal settlement, expecting an alcoholic to be rational was another pipe dream. Yes it's more expensive...but it's the only way for me. I've also put a "no contact" order on...so he won't have any choice but to try to manipulate my attorney. It keeps me saner, and detached.

My best advice: do what is protective to YOU: mind, emotions, spirit. That is the right way to go...

Thumper

Yep.

I did a lot of the negotiating on my own. It saved a few bucks - maybe. In hindsight it is hard to imagine my xah would have put up any fight at all when it came down to it but I was badly frightened by all his posturing. Mostly the manipulations and interactions were very painful for me. It was just very hard. I wish I'd have just let the lawyers do it in hindsight.

Learn2Live

Not sure if you were looking for feedback on the list/negotiation points but why would you want to stay financially associated with her for three years? That is a VERY long time. And it's not like you have kids, where providing for them to stay in the family home makes sense. I personally would not do this; I would cut all financial ties immediately and get off the house. Alcoholics do not make good money managers and whatever she does will affect your finances and financial position. For three years.

LostinBA

She answered my list telling me that she doesn't want the house and is planning on filing bankruptcy and listing the house and trailer in the bk. I would assume that means that anything she says she is going to pay on the divorce would also be left in there, so I will probably have to talk with a lawyer to see how that part gets worked out if at all possible. This sucks!

Feeling a little weak about all of this happening, but at least I'm not in limbo yet. She has reiterated that she is filing whatever paperwork on Thursday, so I have until then to get any changes she wants.

Relatively sure that it won't go smoothly, but who knows, maybe! I am going to talk with my Lawyer tomorrow to see what he advises.

LostinBA

I think everything has been agreed upon. Now whether she follows through or not is out of my hands. She is planning on filing bk anyway, so anything in the divorce decree would be useless if she doesn't plan on honoring it, but I knew it was going to go that direction so it's not a suprise.

I can now honestly say that I have gone through (almost) an entire divorce without saying a mean thing, doing anything underhanded, and with my honor and integrity in tact. Now I just have to get the final papers from her and if they are what was agreed to sign them and move on down the road.

It's sad, but I'm going to survive knowing that I don't have the issues she has to deal with. I hope she does deal with them, but if she does, she's going to someday realize that she made a mistake. By then, it will be to late. And I don't expect her to deal with them anywhere in the near future.

LostinBA

Went to a great Al-Anon meeting tonight. It was perfect timing for it. When I went in I was really down, when I left, I knew that I was going to be okay. Between this board, my counselor, Al-Anon, Friends, and family, I have a ton of support and I am thankful for each of support group. Have a great night.

LostinBA

Woke up this morning and it feels like a new life is beginning. I'm no longer afraid to address the issues that I need to with myself, with the divorce, with my financial future. It's starting to feel like I have been set free from worring about things and people I can't help or take care of. I know there will be little set backs moving forward, and my expectations of my AW are zero, so I don't think I can be let down by her anymore. Feels pretty good all in all.

LostinBA

Ran the "tentative" divorce agreement by my attorney yesterday. He indicated that "if" she has her attorney draw it up with what was agreed upon, it would be fine to sign. Expectations are however that he doesn't expect her to follow through but if necessary we can utilize the draft and save time and money if needed. Keeping my fingers crossed that I can get through this divorce for under $250 which may be a record!

He and I both found it interesting that I was supposed to get served back before Thanksgiving and were just now seeing a draft. Figures it will either be done very quickly or it will take some time.

LostinBA

Heard from the soon to be XAW today. She was so happy running around with her Mom. She actually got the phone changed over to her name and saved me a $325 cancellation fee, so I guess that was good. It was hard hearing her voice again, but I'm really down to two things (Divorce papers, and exchange of items) and I will be completely free from having to deal with anything on her. It's still a hard sad thing for me, but I think I'm going to be okay.

tjp613

I think you're gonna be better than OK, LostinBA. Just give yourself a little time.

Merry Christmas!

LostinBA

Christmas is going to be harder than I thought it was going to be. Pretty much everything reminds me of the times we spent together.

MsGrace

Lost...you can remember as you get through the process and the holidays "this too, shall pass". Just think..how quickly you've been through the stages of shock, questioning, grief, and then the beginning of acceptance and detachment. I'm not suggesting that you won't still cycle through many feelings and stages..but give yourself credit for all you've learned and all you've been willing to do in such a short time. Good on ya!

Next year this time....you will be the "Sage Wisdom Master" of SR! Proud of all you've done!

LostinBA

Thanks MSgrace. I don't know if I hope I'm going to be able to give back to others that need it. I will get through this, it's hard, but I will do it. Especially with everyones support!

Ponder

Big hugs to you. Divorce sucks no matter what the cause, reason or even if it's for the best. We thought we had "made it", got through the drudgery of dating and finding someone. We thought our lives were all set, had big dreams, and now we have to start all over.

It just blows.

Ugh.. and I absolutely hated it when people would tell me that lame "time heals all wounds" malarkey. But, it's true. Sometimes we end up with "scars" from those wounds. I myself like to call them wisdom though.

LostinBA

Ponder, you nailed that right on the head. Starting over is rather scary.

I need some advice. My someday to be XAW sent me a message and asked when she was going to be able to see our dog. I want to set a boundary here, but I'm not sure how to go about it, or if it's even a correct boundary. My thought is that she can see the dog when she gets her 30 day AA chip. Is this the right way to go about a boundary, or am I asking for to much? Thanks for the advice.

Seren

Hi Lost, I hope you are having a peaceful Christmas!

A boundary is something that protects YOUR peace and serenity like:

"I will not speak to you on the phone if you have been drinking. If you call and I believe you have been drinking, I will end the conversation immediately."

Your statement: "You can see the dog once you have obtained your 30-day chip" is trying to control her behavior.

If you would like some time and space from her, perhaps: "I'm not quite ready to see you for you to be able to see the dog. When I have gotten to that point, I will let you know."

LostinBA

Hydro, thanks. That is what I was afraid of. I like your answer better and will go with it. I'm obviously having difficulty in determining the difference between a boundary and control. Thanks for the advice.

Seren

I learned a good visual from the folks here that helps me determine what is a boundary and what is control.

Imagine yourself standing inside a hula-hoop. Everything inside of the hula-hoop--you control. Everything outside the hula-hoop--that's someone else's business.

Her getting a 30-day chip---outside your hula-hoop.
You being on the receiving end of verbal abuse--inside your hula-hoop.



See, it really is true that everything we ever needed to know, we learned in kindergarten!

LostinBA

Thanks hydrogirl. That is a great example. I need to keep my hula hoop small!

I thought today was going to be harder than it is. I guess the fact that the soon to be XAW didn't bother to wish me any type of merry christmas makes it easier to not feel anything towards her. I now only have one last holiday to get through and finally it will be a new year.

Merry Christmas to all of you.

LostinBA

Today was a pretty good day for Christmas. I went by myself and watched the new sherlock holmes,and went by myself to luby's for dinner. Felt good to be able to have the strength to do this without being sad.

I REALLY DON'T MISS THE DISEASE OF ALCOHOLISM> I do occasionally miss my soon to be XAW, but it's getting easier. Man, I have really come a long way in the last two months. Still have tons of work to do on myself, but I will make it.