Hanna

Glad you are settling in to your new place.

Maybe you need to limit contact with her for a while? It sounds to me like she's trying to get something out of you whenever she's feeling frustrated. The things she is saying are just plain manipulative - totally meant to evoke unpleasant emotions in you.

Saying she's filed = trying to make you angry and provoke a fight (especially since she didn't really do it yet.)
Tell the Dog Happy Birthday = trying to make you feel sorry for her
Telling you she couldn't be intimate without alcohol = trying to make you feel guilty for her issues

She sounds as if she wants you to feel as off-kilter as she's feeling herself. It's just really unhealthy and tiresome. There's no right response to all this. You could acknowledge what she's doing/how she's feeling with statements like "It sounds like you miss the dog." and "It makes me sad to hear that." but she will probably not react well to it and it may just encourage her.

Take care of you.

LostinBA

Hanna, wow, you nailed it on the head.. Everyone of my friends and support group are telling me the same thing.. She may be saying that she is "at peace" with her decision, but her actions and comments don't show it. Last week she sent me a text, after telling me that she was going to give everything I left in the house to goodwill, that she want's her bike now and to leave it in the garage... I did leave it in the garage, just not the one she thinks. I didn't bother responding and I'm making all kinds of changes to eliminate contact for a while, from changing my work number and email, to trying to change my cell phone.. Just taking a little bit of work. After all the things she has said this past month, I really try not to react to any of them, doesn't mean they don't hurt, but I'm ignoring them. I'm sure she would tell me again if I were to respond the way you suggested that I'm being passive aggressive.... Can't win either way.

LostinBA

Getting nervous about this week for some reason. I should be ready to be served divorce papers, but for some reason I'm still going to be bummed about it. AW had told me earlier that I should just sign the papers because she couldn't afford to fight anything. Also said that if I did it that we might have a chance at working things out later. Not having been divorced before, I wonder if that ever happens, or if it's just quacking... also does anybody without kids stay in touch with an ex?

MsGrace

Lost, like you...I was the one left for alcohol. It is just devastatingly painful, so hard to comprehend. BUT...over the weeks and momths, I've come to really accept that his decision to drink had NOTHING to do with me. What has helped me is to have NO CONTACT whatsoever...it is best for me. I've set about taking care of the things I can...moving the divorce along, running my credit report, taking care of business. I could not be doing as well as I am if I had ANY contact at all...contact with him just sent me off the deep end again...so why do it? For me, if I heard the "we'll see later" would be just a quack. First, I could never ever trust him again. I will NEVER live with an alcoholic again...not ever. Relationships bring enough challenges without the never ending threat of the next relapse. (but that's just me). I also noticed that when I really got honest with myself about how the deceit and breach of trust affected me....it has, gradually, killed the love. I don't think mistrust and love can occupy the same space, so for that, I'm thankful.

Thanks for sharing your journey...you WILL get through this...and it WILL feel better!

Learn2Live

I've never been divorced but I've watched many people go thru it, some amicably, some horribly fighting all the way. I wouldn't recommend signing anything until I had read it thoroughly, done enough research to know my rights, drawn up a list of my wants, and at least consulted a divorce attorney in my state. Her papers will be slanted toward her and will not reflect your interest. You can either negotiate w her directly on those things that are important to you, or have your lawyer negotiate w her lawyer. I know it's difficult to negotiate w an active alcoholic.

LostinBA

MsGrace. Thanks for the feedback. I have been thinking the same thing. It seems like almost everything she ever told me was a lie... I'm glad you are making it through. I have been ignoring the contact and I figured that she was just telling me what she thought I wanted to hear so that I would do what she wants... All of the lies and the actions have made it really hard to trust myself... It also makes me mad that I was there for her whenever she needed me, with the exception of the time she got a dwi and her mom had to bail her out.. all of the promises, etc.. and she chose beer... to me it's still just unbelievable.. I guess she doesn't understand how much trouble is coming down the pike financially and I'm sure she expects me to take care of it... I'm only taking care of myself now.

LovingYoungMan

Stay strong LostinBA. I believe in you. Detaching with love is incredibly hard to do and I am learning to "Let Go and Let God." Day by day.

TRUST ME, I know where you are coming from. Like exactly.. You want so badly for that to be true but I am learning if you hold on to hope it just makes it harder for you to heal yourself. IF she does mean it when she says she wants to work things out, and I really do mean IF, then she is going to have to prove that to you with her actions. I am speaking to myself as well. YOU do not deserve this kind of treatment and nor do I!

You are a valuable person and I'm proud of you for staying strong.

LostinBA

LYM and JDS, thanks for the support.. It really helps get through this. I'll keep you all updated and of course I'm always here to support you as well. Lets make this as good a week as we can.

LifeRecovery

Lost-

I was married for five years, no kids. I am rarely in touch (almost a year divorced). It has gotten easier with the less contact I have. I live in a fairly small town and it is hard when I run into him on occasion. I have to drive by his new street to get to work and that took some getting used to. No contact = No new hurts is how I look at it.

I am struggling some with the idea that I might not get the opportunity to have kids, but am grateful that I made the right choice to not have them with a loved one who struggled with alcohol (I knew w/in a month of marriage that he had a significant drinking problem). It took awhile to get all the pieces hammered out and we had to be in touch, but since the divorce went through and he FINALLY got all of the stuff out of the house it is just small things that I save up and get in touch with him about.

Mavis1

Sounds only too typical, speaking from personal experience and hearing others share. She is looking for attention, has to have drama at all times, it's the disease, it distorts your views, you want to go and you want to stay, you say things you don't mean, then forget about them. Sounds like she is a very angry gal, it's the disease, that is all I can say. I hope you can find peace in all this, I did, went thru it myself and it's not easy. Best of luck.

LostinBA

I stopped and picked up my medicine today and checked to see if she was picking hers up. Turns out she is trying to refill her pain meds a week early again. This is after she told me that she was only taking two a day when her prescription calls for four a day. Loratab's must really make you feel good... oh well, more quacking I guess.

Learn2Live

Pills and booze are pretty addictive. Watched a few people destroy their lives and families with them. It gets ugly.

PurpleWilder

Please DO NOT SIGN those papers until you have read every word in them and gone over them with an attorney. This is one time that you don't want your weariness with the whole situation to get the better of you and make you agree just because you are so tired of arguing. You could be signing off on something that would just enable her even more. Please get them reviewed before you do anything.

And please don't make yourself even more insane by checking on her pain meds or anything else. It is no longer your concern. It will just make it harder to adjust to your new place and keep you hooked into the drama.

Despite all that, congrats on the move!

LostinBA

For a Monday, this was a really good day. I stayed focused at work, had lunch with friends. Went by the old house one last time, I needed a couple more things before the rest is given to goodwill. I now have everything I need to be comfortable, minus the new couch I'm getting next week! I haven't answered a text or message from AW since last Thursday and I'm feeling better. I feel quite safe and calm here in the new place. And I don't have to worry about her bothering me here. Feels really good. Oh and I still haven't been served. Still expecting that to take place this week, or next week when she figures out she can't get in the old house without breaking in! So maybe I'm developing a little anger along with the calmness.

chronsweet

Lost, I actually went thru a divorce in 2007. It wasn't finalized until 2008 because we did it on our own. We didn't fight over any of our property or money and it was VERY amicable. I still talk to my ex from time to time as I always cared about him and probably always will, I want him to do good in life. I am the one that left that relationship. He WAS NOT an addict of any kind and so our separation didn't have the tension and bad feelings associated with it. To be honest, I can have more of a normal conversation with my ex-h than I can my ABF whom I have a child with. My ex-h actually understands me and knows me more than my ABF and probably always will.

So, in answering your question, YES, sometimes people can separate and remain friends still. I don't think if/when I break up with my ABF that it will be amicable because he isn't very rational. He feels slighted and defensive about things because he is always intoxicated. I don't think his brain works right and he isn't able to connect to his feelings or mine. I don't think once I get the courage to leave that I will even want to have a relationship with him outside of arranging child visitation because I won't want to get sucked back into the relationship. The ONLY way I could see wanting to have a relationship with him after we part ways is IF, and only IF, he were to have some serious sobriety, and get some sort of counseling and have come to grips with why he always chooses to be addicted to a substance. Personally, that doesn't seem realistic in the sense of me waiting for him as I am doing that now and it is essentially what I want to get away from. I usually meet new people easily and whilst I can imagine what it would be like to be with someone, I like you, plan to be alone and work on myself before even considering a new relationship. It won't take forever to get to that point but once it happens, I wouldn't abandon someone who was caring and loving for someone who treated me so badly for so long.

Take care and congrats on the new place!

LostinBA

Chronsweet. I think you are right, some people can remain friends. I don't think my AW and I will. I might change my mind with time, but the things that she has said and told me still have me to angry/hurt to really even consider it. But I guess someday I may get over this and be able to accept it. Hopefully I will grow into it, but not right now.

LostinBA

So far this week has been going pretty smoothly. I had a good meeting last night at Al-Anon and there have been no hateful emails or texts. I'm a little surprised that I haven't been served papers yet, but I'm not really worried about it right now. Feeling good just relaxing with no drama. Dog finally decided to eat and use the bathroom. Poor little guy was having adjustment issues, but he seems to be doing much better now. Hope everybody else is doing great today.

LostinBA

I found out through a personal friend today that my AW is going by her maiden name now and has been seeing a new guy. Funny thing is, it's not bothering me that much. I thought it would be a kick to the gut, but it really seems like it's not bothering me to badly. I kinda figure that if she's jumping that quickly into another relationship, she "needs" to be with someone. I don't think I will ever understand the way the alcohol and pain pills make her think... I looked through the pictures during our marriage last night and it didn't really upset me at all. I think I might be "detaching" but I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just nuts!

chronsweet

[QUOTE=anvilhead;3206566]i've been wrong before tho....once if i recall!!!

Okay, that is funny anvil. Another anvil'ism.

Anywho, I kind of agree, BA, do you even think the AW has done anything in terms of the divorce?

Thumper

I am going to echo anvil. My experience is that alcoholics are a whole lot of bleating and very little follow through.

She can create a boat load of financial chaos for you until the divorce, with all the correct legal jargon, is filed. For instance in my state she can rack up new credit card debt or take out a loan to buy a new car next week and you are on the hook for 1/2 of it. If you save $5000 or win a million bucks - she can claim half of it. Even if the credit/debt is in one name only, or done after you parted ways. The law in this state doesn't care about those details if you are legally married.

Knowledge is power. Control is sometimes a good thing. I'm not sure what the legals are in your state but waiting for an alcoholic to make the correct decision can be a costly mistake.