Ponder

Add me to the list of thinking those divorce papers are a figment of her imagination. It's been what? Over a month now? And yeah the holidays can mess things up, but those papers if they exist SHOULD have arrived by now.

LostinBA

I'm beginning to agree with all of you on the lack of divorce papers. It's just weird, all of the emails, texts and conversations she was dead set on getting a divorce and the papers are on the way. who knows. I was actually waiting of her to do the filing so it wouldn't cost me as much, but right now I'm saving the money up so that I can file if necessary. Just need to wait until next month to be able to do it. Who knows, maybe she is planning now to move back into the house, which is fine with me. I'll let her have it and move on down the road. Just strange that I get all the talk, and none of the action. Perhaps she's just to busy with friends and work to take care of it. I guess I will find out next week when she is out for Christmas break.

choublak

Trying to but can't, because that's a controlled substance, right?

My mom used to take that for her arthritis (she was diagnosed at age 28, that's young, I know) and one time she had some workers in the house (might have been painters or something, I don't remember). Well she had the Loratab on the kitchen counter, and those guys stole it!

MTSlideAddict

My husband once quacked about the whole divorce papers being drawn subject. He called me up in one of his drunken angry personalities one Sunday while I was at work. He preceded to tell me that he just got off the phone with the lawyer, and the lawyer just completed the paperwork and it will be on its way (Mind you the night before he was boasting on how sorry he was, and the he loved me and so on). I thought to myself, “yeah sure, the lawyer’s office is open on Sunday, they did not require you to go in for a consultation, and they couldn’t pick up on the notion that you are drunk as it is obvious from the slurring. Hmm I think I will have an easy court proceeding.” It was all just a bunch of quacking, and no follow through.

LostinBA

Does anyone have an idea of when the "hope" dies? I'm pretty much resigned to believing that my marriage is over, based on everything that has happened. But at times I find myself hoping that this is still a bad dream, that something will happen and she will change her mind. Not sure why I'm doing that, but I am...

theuncertainty

I'm still kind of waiting for the last few tendrils to die myself. I left XAH in 2008 and finally filed for divorce in 2010. For the most part the hope is gone, but I find there are a few tenacious little threads here and there.

I think in my case, most of the hope that he'd pursue recovery died when he came back from a 28-day in-patient program at the beginning of 2010 and said he never had a problem with beer, just the hard stuff, and that every one tells him he was sick, but he doesn't see it.

But there are days I find that hope, even just a small portion, is still there. Maybe this time.... OK, this time....

Hmmm, maybe it's a matter of moderating that hope and learning to just let it exist. Or ignoring it most days. I don't know.

LostinBA

Not sure why tonight I'm missing her. It's been over a month now that she left, but it's now been a week since we have communicated at all. Even the negative communications made me feel like she was still part of my life. I really don't want to be missing her for the next couple of years, so I hope this ends someday soon.

LifeRecovery

For me the "hope" for the relationship was there for a bit, but moved aside as some of the other emotions related to grief came on board. I also had a lot of hope for him, his wellbeing and his recovery.

19mths later as I continue to work through emotions regarding our relationship the hope has switched....to what I have to look forward to in my life. Hope for my recovery and wellbeing etc.

LostinBA

LR, were you part of the recovery, or did you know what he was doing, if anything? Being in the dark here, not knowing if she is even trying to help herself is the hardest part for me. Part of me is hoping that she is working on getting cleaned up and will realize that she made a mistake, and the other part of me is thinking that she doesn't care and is just moving on with her life as it is, minus me. Not sure why I'm going this many directions at the same time.

LostinBA

I guess what I am feeling is abandoned. Even though I am moving forward with the things that I have been basically forced to do. I still feel like the person I trusted with everything basically just left. The song from Adele ""Don't you remember" seems to hit home with me.

LifeRecovery

Oh my ex has in no way found recovery (from the very little I know). That is actually for me what the "connection" was for awhile that was really hard for me to let go of.

A few months after we separated we went out to dinner to hammer out divorce stuff and he told me "I realize that you might be right about my drinking." At the time he was still seeing a therapist, and I was "worried" to say the least. I think he only saw the therapist a few more times, and I actually was told about six months later that I was the only one who had a problem with his drinking.

Honestly the ability to detach was the biggest lesson I needed to learn in this. I would not have made it the last 15 months without it. It is a process though and it takes some significant time. It is much easier now, but I am starting to come up on two years from when everything started to crumble....and it is still a major theme in my life. Be gentle with yourself.

I don't know about where you live, but we only hired one lawyer for the divorce (to represent me), and then we split the cost of the divorce. I am not saying that route will work for everyone, but we don't have kids, and needed to keep it as cost efficient as possible.

LostinBA

Thanks LR. It kinda stinks that even though we weren't the ones drinking and abusing things, we are having to deal with the actual emotions! Almost makes me want to drink! But I won't. Today I'm feeling better, I guess last night was just a blue night. I find that it helps to go back and read the wonderful things that she has told me about how everything is my fault and she didn't have anything to do with it. I have another counseling meeting today, which again is perfect timing.

Learn2Live

Something that helped me when I was feeling this way in a similar situation just a few years ago was the realization that we are all born alone, that we come into the world alone; and that we go out alone. So I think there is a piece of us that WANTS to be alone,and needs to get comfortable with that. So life delivers this to us as a lesson for later use, a lesson to help move us forward in our lives. We just have to find that part of us that is comfortable with aloneness. I did. I found and cultured that part of me that LOVES to be alone; that THRIVES on being alone. It is wonderful. And accomplishing this in my life has brought great satisfaction.

Rejection is hard, no matter who rejects us.

Abandonment is hard, no matter how old we are.

LifeRecovery

Emotions are hard!

Sometimes that is part of the reason people have maladaptive coping skills. Mine is food, but there are many others. One can be a person's use of alcohol.

All I know is that as hard as it is to feel the feeling in the moment....it is much harder when I stuff it and try to sort it out later. I don't mean putting it aside for a bit, but ignoring or pretending it is not there. It just grows and multiplies when I try that. I suspect it is the same for our loved ones...but that might be part of what keeps them in their addiction. Part of my addiction is being so worried about them...that I don't feel my own feelings.

Learn2Live

or live my own life.

LostinBA

Had a really good counseling meeting. thanks for the feedback! I learned the following today:

1. I give myself permission to be selfish (as long as it doesn't negatively affect someone else)
2. I don't have do "anything" until I'm ready

Takes some of the pressure off me thinking that I have to push this divorce forward right this second to get things done. Doesn't mean I won't have to do it, but I can do it when I'm ready. Not on someone elses schedule. I have always been the one who took care of or fixed the problems. I don't have to do that now, just take care of myself. I have taken all the steps I needed to take care of myself to get to this point from a month ago! I feel like a giant burden was just lifted off my shoulders.

Learn2Live

Awesome! Good to hear a burden has been lifted. Can't remember the author but I liked this, so it stuck:

LifeRecovery

I did better when I started calling that self-care instead of selfish.

LostinBA

Thanks LR. I'll go with that. Here is something funny finally, at least to me. I ran out by the old house to check my mail, and I had received a Christmas card from my AW's Half sister. It was made out to Mr. & Mrs. Bellamy, (with the house address on it) which was the name of the guy she had an affair with several years ago, before we met. I had to pull over to the side of the road and stop laughing. I guess since I'm not reacting the way she wants me to, she and her family are going to try get a rise out of me. Unfortunately, I'm not reacting to this either. The way I look at it, if they are together, they can take over the house payment! It was a pretty low thing to do, but it didn't do anything but make me laugh. I guess setting the boundaries that I have aren't working for her the way she wants them too. Oh well. At least I'm not playing games.

Carol Star

Adele's song makes me remember my x too and pine a little. It is an emotional time of year. Time is what it takes and no contact helps. You have made great strides and I hear you laughing.