Need Some Serious Help and Advice
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Leonard, Michigan
Posts: 49
Find out what you love. Maybe you love reading, or you might enjoy taking photographs-i started trying to find out all kinds of things I liked doing, & i haven't even left yet, LOL-but it's part of taking care of me. Check out the boards at restaurants like Panera Bread-there's always something going on somewhere you could check out & see if it interests you.
I am afraid of the same thing you are expressing-loneliness. BUT, i have become LESS afraid as time has worn on & i realized that my being alone is something i better realize might happen. I'm 44 too, & think just like you-WHERE do we go to meet people? I noticed it can happen anywhere & everywhere. You're going to need some new things for your place, i'm sure-i have chatted with more people in Lowe's (LOL to Dollydo-Lowe's must be a chatty place)
You're never alone-remember that. And when you get out there discovering things, you are going to meet many people. I wish we could "speed forward" to the time when it will be good again...you will get there!
I am afraid of the same thing you are expressing-loneliness. BUT, i have become LESS afraid as time has worn on & i realized that my being alone is something i better realize might happen. I'm 44 too, & think just like you-WHERE do we go to meet people? I noticed it can happen anywhere & everywhere. You're going to need some new things for your place, i'm sure-i have chatted with more people in Lowe's (LOL to Dollydo-Lowe's must be a chatty place)
You're never alone-remember that. And when you get out there discovering things, you are going to meet many people. I wish we could "speed forward" to the time when it will be good again...you will get there!
Originally Posted by LostinBA 
Thanks msbelle57. I needed some positive words tonight. I am realizing how alone I actually am, all of my/our friends were married. I'm 44 and most of the people I work with are married. I am realizing how isolated I became taking care of her, but now I don't know how to get started making friends with other people. Any ideas on things I can do other than going to a "bar". I'm open to most anything. thanks,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Leonard, Michigan
Posts: 49
You're right-it's not fair. We will never know WHY they make the choices & decisions they do. This is all so new for you right now. When you start thinking about it, try to remember that you are working on & for yourself now, making you happy-you deserve that. You're going to go through lots of changing emotions-just always try to bring yourself back to YOU being the one that is important to take care of now.
When my AH drinks, i miss my happy best friend, too-the one who talks deeply with me, we make each other laugh & joke about everything, he made me feel safe & loved. But when he drinks, that person doesn't exist-only the memory of that does, & that's painful-we have to try to replace the painful thoughts with positive thoughts or actions. It's NOT easy, i know. But people here show us it is possible...
When my AH drinks, i miss my happy best friend, too-the one who talks deeply with me, we make each other laugh & joke about everything, he made me feel safe & loved. But when he drinks, that person doesn't exist-only the memory of that does, & that's painful-we have to try to replace the painful thoughts with positive thoughts or actions. It's NOT easy, i know. But people here show us it is possible...
Originally Posted by LostinBA
Thanks for the feedback. It really is unfair that i was willing to work on the relationship and support her in her recovery. I just don't get it that she chose alcohol over me. And now she says that she's not drinking at all while she lives with her mother. The good person in me hopes that's true, but the other side of me is upset thinking that it is true. is it wrong of me to want her to suffer a little the loss of our marriage? I know I'm supposed to forgive, and I understand it's a disease, mixed with other issues she has, but I miss the fun happy person that was my friend. I know right now I'm just feeling blue because it's Saturday night and I'm alone, but it makes me both sad and angry.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 218
cslaurie, I hope it works out for you! Because this side of it stinks. I am glad you are working on yourself as well and I will check things out at Panera. There is one about a block away from my new apartment. Tonight I went and picked out a shower curtain, and the bath matt toilet stuff. It wasn't fun, and I thought it would be... but I did it. Next I have to get some more underwear, socks and tshirts.. I'm so needy. Follow that up with some kitchen things and I'm pretty much set.
My counselor said that I needed to get mad now. It was the time for me to utilize the anger as motivation... I've just never been a angry person, so it's new. Not easy to do unless she says some of her "nice" (sarcasm) things about how horrible a person I am. Not talking to her is taking away some of my anger. Double edged sword I guess.
My counselor said that I needed to get mad now. It was the time for me to utilize the anger as motivation... I've just never been a angry person, so it's new. Not easy to do unless she says some of her "nice" (sarcasm) things about how horrible a person I am. Not talking to her is taking away some of my anger. Double edged sword I guess.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 7
Hiya Lost!
I know it feels awful now. But a short time from now you will look back and thank God this happened when it did. And now that you know the signs of an addict, stay the heck away from them. Just pain and misery. A new apartment is exciting. Just remember that it is better to travel alone than in the company of a fool (something I read a while ago). So, you will meet someone nice and this will all be behind you. Sounds like you have a great father too! Keep your chin up. You didn't do anything wrong.
I know it feels awful now. But a short time from now you will look back and thank God this happened when it did. And now that you know the signs of an addict, stay the heck away from them. Just pain and misery. A new apartment is exciting. Just remember that it is better to travel alone than in the company of a fool (something I read a while ago). So, you will meet someone nice and this will all be behind you. Sounds like you have a great father too! Keep your chin up. You didn't do anything wrong.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
It took me awhile to get angry.....really, really angry.
I am so glad I let it happen when it came though. It is a part of the grief cycle and healing though. In addition it helped me to MOVE through stuff.
I am not saying you won't, but at any other point in my life I would have stuffed the angry down and not felt it. It was freeing to feel it and put it to good use.
I am so glad I let it happen when it came though. It is a part of the grief cycle and healing though. In addition it helped me to MOVE through stuff.
I am not saying you won't, but at any other point in my life I would have stuffed the angry down and not felt it. It was freeing to feel it and put it to good use.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 218
Okay guys, how about some feedback on the following: I have finished packing, and I have been pretty fair, only taking about 1/2 of what I need. However there are some really personal items (old films of her family, pictures, wedding dress, etc.) that I don't think she is even going to try and get. Should I take them, store them away and if she wants them someday return them, or just abandon them here?
Thanks for the advice.
Thanks for the advice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 218
Right now there's not anything. I'll go ahead and pack them and take them. I figure someday she might come back to her senses and out of her self destruction / me destruction mode and I can return them. It's only a couple more boxes and won't cost me anything to store, the new place has plenty of room.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 218
Beats me on the curling iron. But I doubt (sarcasm) if drinking was involved.
Anyway, I finished packing everything other than the night before I leave. There are always little things that i will have to do. Yea for me.
Anyway, I finished packing everything other than the night before I leave. There are always little things that i will have to do. Yea for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 218
Nope, no twilight videos, in fact I left all of the ones we watched in the camper. That was kinda rough, getting my things out of the camper. All of the dreams and trips we had planned, thrown away for beer.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 218
Hey guys, just wondering something. My AW told me last week that she just wanted to go by her old name. That she had lost who she was because of me. I'm not sure why that is bothering me today, but for some reason it does. It's been almost a month now that she left and I'm surviving, but now I'm wondering if I was the reason she was drinking like she said.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
No, you are not the reason she was drinking. You know better than that. She was drinking because she is an alcoholic. Alcoholics blame everyone and everything except themselves for their drinking.
Come on, now...don't start believing her quacking. Remember the duck.
Come on, now...don't start believing her quacking. Remember the duck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 218
suki, thank you for the quack. I had forgotten the quack. Is it okay/right for me to be mad if she does turn herself around and stop drinking. After packing and seeing the end or my dreams with her, I kind of want her to suffer for the pain she has caused me. And that's not the person that I usually am. Earlier cslaurie said that this is "un-fair" and i agree. It feels like I'm the one having to worry about all of this, while she just takes it easy with her family. Maybe I'm jealous or something.....
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
I'm certainly no expert, but I believe anger is a part of the grieving process. Sometimes our anger protects us, for a while, while we have things we have to do. After you get settled in your new place, you may feel sadness some days and anger on others. It's all a process.
You are dealing with the same feelings that many abandoned spouses feel when they feel they have been tossed to the curb for a drink. It can be humiliating, but please keep in mind...she isn't drinking at you, she's drinking because that's what alcoholics do. You are right. It isn't fair. But while it may appear that she is just relaxing with her family, you really don't know what she is going through. You can move on in time and make a wonderful life for yourself. She will always be an alcoholic, even if she quits drinking.
From where I sit, your future looks a lot brighter than does hers.
You are dealing with the same feelings that many abandoned spouses feel when they feel they have been tossed to the curb for a drink. It can be humiliating, but please keep in mind...she isn't drinking at you, she's drinking because that's what alcoholics do. You are right. It isn't fair. But while it may appear that she is just relaxing with her family, you really don't know what she is going through. You can move on in time and make a wonderful life for yourself. She will always be an alcoholic, even if she quits drinking.
From where I sit, your future looks a lot brighter than does hers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 218
I have been reading the other blogs, trying to figure things out, and the weird thing here is that it seems like in most of the other blogs, the alcoholic seems to want to work things out with the other person. For some reason I seem to be in the minority where the Alcoholic here seems to not want to work anything out. Not sure if that is a blessing or not, but just wondering if this is also typical behavior. Thks.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
What I am about to say is easier said than done.
The sooner you can forgive and forget, the sooner you can go forward. A new chapter of your life awaits.
I believe everything happens for a reason. We have to feel the hurt and pain that life tosses our way. Otherwise we could not appreciate true joy when it enters our life.
Get settled in your new apartment, and go out and get involved. Reconnect with friends and family. Introduce yourself to a new hobby. Do anything and everything to keep your head above water. It might feel strange at first, but I have met some of the most sincere people since the break up. My faith in humanity has been reaffirmed.
You are going to be amazed at how wonderful it feels to let go of all the "crazy" alcoholic behavior they drop on us on a daily basis. I have so much more energy now. I am not mentally and physically exhausted at the end of the day. I no longer spend my day in a WTF just happened state of mind.
You have done all you can for her, now it's your turn, time for some LostinBA time. You are doing fine, just keep pushing yourself forward.......
P.S. is her behavior typical, I have to answer Yep, All active alkie's have crazy behavior, and it subject to change at a moments notice too. I never put any faith in what XA said as it changed with his buzz level...........
The sooner you can forgive and forget, the sooner you can go forward. A new chapter of your life awaits.
I believe everything happens for a reason. We have to feel the hurt and pain that life tosses our way. Otherwise we could not appreciate true joy when it enters our life.
Get settled in your new apartment, and go out and get involved. Reconnect with friends and family. Introduce yourself to a new hobby. Do anything and everything to keep your head above water. It might feel strange at first, but I have met some of the most sincere people since the break up. My faith in humanity has been reaffirmed.
You are going to be amazed at how wonderful it feels to let go of all the "crazy" alcoholic behavior they drop on us on a daily basis. I have so much more energy now. I am not mentally and physically exhausted at the end of the day. I no longer spend my day in a WTF just happened state of mind.
You have done all you can for her, now it's your turn, time for some LostinBA time. You are doing fine, just keep pushing yourself forward.......
P.S. is her behavior typical, I have to answer Yep, All active alkie's have crazy behavior, and it subject to change at a moments notice too. I never put any faith in what XA said as it changed with his buzz level...........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 218
Marie1960.. thanks for the feedback.. One question I have is who am I forgiving? Myself for not handling the drinking correctly, or her for being the alcoholic? I know the answer to that is "both", but for some reason I'm really hard on myself. I feel like I failed the marriage, even though I didn't walk out. I keep asking myself the question of what if? What if I didn't say the things I did when she was drunk, what if I had known more about Al-Anon, what if etc... I could see how this type of situation could drive a "normal" person crazy.
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