LostinBA

I have printed out the serenity prayer and the three c's but right now I am so angry I just want to yell and scream. I don't understand how someone can just stop talking. We were always able to talk through our issues. And now, it feels like this is all my fault. Like I'm being punished for her decision. I'm wondering where she is, what she's doing, and what I'm going to do without her. I want to drive out to her mothers house and beat on the door until she talks to me, but I won't. I know that's the wrong path. I'm just hurt and angry. The thing that scares me is that I won't ever talk to her again. And right now, I don't know how I could as hurt as I am.

LostinBA

I am powerless to stop her from drinking
I am powerless to make her call me
I am powerless to affect her decisions
I am powerless for everything but my own actions
I am powerless

Seren

I know this hurts, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My xH had an affair and divorced me. The pain was surreal.

I can tell you that it absolutely does get better. Please take good care of yourself, as jOSE said....try to get enough rest and eat well. Post here all you want. I started a journal during that time, and it was good to sit down for about 20 minutes each day and get all the junk out of my head.

LostinBA

I'm trying hard to make it through. Today was a hard day, but I did it again. The weekends are the worst.

I am powerless to stop her from drinking
I am powerless to make her call me
I am powerless to affect her decisions
I am powerless for everything but my own actions

and I have added one:
I am responsible for my own actions.. What I do I have to live with, what I have done I have to deal with. I hope that the HP gives me the strength to do just that. Hydrogirl and all thank you for the kind thoughts.

This is the toughest thing I have had to do in my life. I'm coming to the point that I accept I can't do anything but move on. It's painful and heartbreaking but when someone won't talk to you, then you can't communicate with them.

AllAboutheGirls

Dear Lost...
Your posts are so sad and bring back a time I try not to think about. I left my AH seven months ago and felt so sad for so long. I know how tough it is but I promise you, IT DOES GET BETTER. This Thanksgiving was a first alone for me, it was his holiday, he did all the cooking. I realised this week I never even cooked a turkey before. Well, I made it through! I invited friends and the meal turned out superb. 4 months ago I couldn't leave my house. I would actually have anxiety attacks just going to the grocery store. Then I found this site.
I never would have believed the strength I found through my friends at SR.
Please put yourself first now. Be gentle to yourself every day. One day you will just KNOW what it is you need to do. But in the meantime, maybe it's best to not to talk to her. Try not to obsess, it doesn't help. I'm sorry your going through such a hard time.
Keep reading too!
And in answering your question of when someone is considered to be an alcoholic or if they drink too much, if it makes you uncomfortable than it's a problem. If it bothers you there is a problem. Period.
There's a saying here "Let go or be dragged"
Just know your among friends here.

LostinBA

Allaboutthegirls. Thank you. I don't mean to bring people down, which is one thing I'm afraid of with my friends and family. I know I need to get through this and this forum really does help me to vent my feelings. I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you are getting through it and better. Congratulations on your Meal. I'm hoping next year I'm where I need to be to enjoy mine. Happy Thanksgiving and I apologize for bringing up a bad time for you.

AllAboutheGirls

Are you kidding me? I reread my response to you and I cant believe that even came from me. I surprise myself how far I've come in my own recovery. I didn't reach out to my friends either in the beginning because I had so many times before and each time we split up we ended up back together. It was that cycle of alcohlism and codepency and enabling and ... OMG I can't believe I even know these terms. Anyway, you need to vent. My friends and family always supported me but here I say anything I wanted. And you know what? I may have helped someone here. I know you helped me tonight. Vent away my friend.

LostinBA

My thoughts seem to be getting clearer as time goes by. It doesn't make me miss her any less, but I look back at the all the times that i had to go find her when she went out with friends and was so drunk she would either have to be picked up, or find her in her car sleeping in some parking lot. I can't think of a summer that we had where (she is a teacher) I didn't find myself looking forward to the end of it because I knew the drinking would subside a little and I wouldn't come home to either a drunk wife or a passed out wife. While I seem to be going through the typical turmoil, it has been less stressful in a way. I'm not walking on eggshells. Doesn't mean I don't miss her and love her, but what I was doing wasn't helping her or me.

suki44883

Having time away from all that chaos does open things up and allows us to see things more clearly. Of course you still love her and miss her, but as time goes on, you will not miss the madness of living with addiction.

painterman

Just another angle, I think you are still blaming yourself, but she was drinking and she's the one that left-so your starting point is respect yourself, you have done nothing wrong. If anything you have done too much trying. I know it's hard, but try to sit back, give yourself some space and think about what good things lie ahead, withdraw your support-she is treating your kindness with disdain.
Best wishes

LostinBA

I'm definitely still blaming myself. My self respect during this whole process has been beaten into the ground. I am working on that for sure. You are correct, i didn't leave, I didn't take the easy way out. I will get through this and I will be stronger for it. Thanks for the support. Right now I'm in one of my "feeling better" modes. Don't be surprised if later on you see the down modes. It really does help just being able to post rather than bottle them all up.

LostinBA

But I still want to scream at her, "You freaking idiot, you left everything for alcohol". But deaf ears and as "painterman' put it "disdain" is all I would get. Not worth my time or energy right now.

On the positive side, I have lost 24 pounds (which obviously I had to lose) in the past three weeks. Keep this up and I'll be a lean trim fighting machine in another couple of months. (209 to 185 today)

LostinBA

I started reading a book about enablers and another book about the 12 steps today. Feels good to take action. And maybe a little side satisfaction as it's her Amazon account I'm using to download the books to my kindle on! Petty, yes, but sometimes it feels good.

I'm realizing how self destructive she must be right now that she's not even taking her Humira shots for her RA. To be honest, earlier I would have jumped at a chance to get them to her just to see her, now I don't think I would even bother returning the request.

Crazy thing is, I have all the shots, $1800 a shot if not on my insurance and I don't have anything to do with them... Addiction must be a beast, but then she never did like taking the shots. Don't blame her on that point, I don't know of anybody that likes to take shots. Oh well, back to reading and maybe watch some TV tonight.

LostinBA

One thing you can do for sure is read on this site. One thing that I have been noticing is that a lot of people grew up with some type of alcoholic in their family. This is where I have trouble relating. I didn't. At least that I know of. I'm just wondering how I ended up trying to save one. Somewhere along the way I must have become a "codie" and I'm not sure where. So much introspection.

Hanna

The site is absolutely amazing. So powerful to hear what others have experienced, and to know that we can make it through. SR has taught me so much, even though I have far to go. Sorry you are going through this, but glad you found the forum and you are obviously on the right track.

LostinBA

Going through a tough patch right now. If anybody has an answer to this question, please give me some feedback:

How do you flip a switch and just turn off/away from the person who you thought was your best friend? I'm still lost as to how she just decided to stop talking to me. She's not communicating with me at all, and I'm wondering if she's missing me at all or if I'm just dust in the wind to her.

marie1960

LostinBA, I think why it is so easy for them to walk away, and completely withdraw is because they were never really in a relationship with "us" in the first place. Their first love and priority is booze. As long as we don't rock the boat and call the "other woman/or man out" , they are perfectly content in their life of illusion with us.

When I expresed my disgust, to XA regarding his drunken out of control behavior, problems and issues arose. If we went out, and he got bombed on his ass, and had to crawl to get into bed, and I never made a comment about it the next day, he thought we were rolling in the clover. As long as I did not interfere, or challenge his commitment to the "bottle" life was good for him.

As far as the "flipping the switch" you have to search your heart, and you have to accept the fact that you were in a one sided relationship. You were there for her, but she could never reciprotate. As painful as it is, the truth will always set you free.

I chose to dim the lights, take a step back, acknowledge that I was living in a lie. I too was living an illusion. I was filled with love and hope, always hoping that he would not choose the booze over me. But every stinking day he chose the booze.........

Living with an active addict robs us of our lives. All the love and compassion, cannot restore what they take from us on a daily basis. We truly are worth so much more.

It's going to get better my friend, hang in there..........

tjp613

Lost-- you can't flip a switch, unfortunately, but you can download more books on her account!! You are going thru the grief process so learn how to cope with it by learning all you can. I know I read lots of books when I was in a similar situation and it helped a lot. Probably my favorite was In the Meantime by Iyanla VanZant.

Hanna

I like to think that Alcohol and drugs turn people we love into Zombies. Their true selves aren't in control any longer. It isn't that woman that you love flipping that switch. That person isn't in control.

LostinBA

Today i tried to start moving forward. I went to see a movie by myself (Latest Twilight - honestly there's nothing out right now) and did pretty good once I got past the whole marriage scene. I just kept repeating the Serenity prayer during that time. I then went an purchased myself some much needed underwear and t-shirts, picked up the dog food, and came back home.

It was weird not having her there with me during the movie eating all the popcorn. But I did it.

Hanna, thanks for the feedback. I wish the zombie would go away, but I can't make that happen myself, it would have to be her choice.