Willybluedog

Lost, I am so sorry for all you are going through, I did much of the same thing, I took care of everything (we both had full time jobs, no kids) so when my wife came home (whenever that would be) I could be with her, she would not have to lift a finger around the house, my counselor told me to STOP immediately, let her fend for herself, don't cook for her, don't do her laundry or anything else, make her be an adult who is married to you or divorced from you, but don't be her daddy and her maid.

My mom has been an alcoholic for over 40 years, my dad stays because he is afraid she is going to drink herself to death, I told him let her do it, don't keep fighting with her, her doctor told us she is destroying her heart muscle with her drinking she needs to stop drinking or she will die, no other options, my dad could have lived a great life, he chose misery out of loyalty, please don't make the same mistake, see this for the blessing that it is, freedom from pain and chaos, she has released you from indentured servitude, it's time to walk away and let her live with the consequences of her actions.

LostinBA

Okay, anybody going through what I'm going through, remember to do the following: unplug the dang garage door opener if you don't know how to reset it and you have changed the locks.... I didn't do that and my AW came in last week and went through some of my papers. Now she is asking me if I got my new place on so and so street via text... I'm not answering, but I learned a lesson the hard way.... oh and she let me know that she got teacher of the year as well.. which is really awesome for her, she is an excellent teacher, but I'm pretty sure I had something to do with that as well with all the support I gave. I wonder if I get partial credit anywhere!!!!! Probably not. I did say congratulations on earning it... maybe I shouldn't have, but it is an honor that deserves recognition. Dang, I may be to nice of a guy.

LostinBA

A couple more texts: 1. to make sure I and dog had some place to go before she turned off all of the utilities and 2. to wish the dog a happy birthday.. Strange, she didn't care when the other one had to be put to sleep and now all of a sudden getting texts and calls. Not taking either or sharing any personal information whatsoever.

LostinBA

It's funny, I wanted to hear from her so badly all month, and now that she is texting and calling me, I'm scared to engage in conversation. I'm 98% positive that it is just to get something from me, or get a reaction out of me, but the other 2% really wishes it was something positive towards the relationship. That 2% makes it really hard to ignore the contact... My 2% says, hey dummy, what if you miss your chance.. my 98% says, she left and walked away..

Learn2Live

Funny how they can change on a dime like that. I always found, in the end, that they had ulterior motives when their words and actions would switch like that. The last time I went thru this, I actually knew what he was going to do before he told me. It was satisfying to see so clearly but it hurt nonetheless. I found it easier to cope when I was strongest about who I am, what I want out of life, and what is and is not acceptable to me from others. I read earlier in this thread that you feel she is the one in control of all this. I hope you see soon that you are actually driving your own bus. (((hugs)))

marie1960

Allow her to own the consequences of her actions.

She is the one who left, she is the one who chose this path. She made her bed allow her to sleep in it.

They just don't surrender. They have to be in control. She is just putting her "feelers" out, she really does want you to be as miserable as she is. Only you can decide if you are going to respond. And you were worried you wouldn't be hearing from her.

She obviously has a lot of things to work out for herself. So give her the space to do exactly that. She left you. She doesn't get it. You are not her puppet, you are not available at her conveniences. She is being very selfish. It's like a tire fire, nothing you can do, just sit back and watch it burn.............

Less is more. The less you say the better for you my friend.............

The names and faces are different, but the actions and behavior of an alcoholic are all cut from the same cookie cutter.

LostinBA

Thanks learn2live... It has now been over a month since my wife told me that she was going to drink and then left to live with her mother. During that time, she has said some pretty cold, mean things, and a few true things as well.

I am proud of myself. To date I have said nothing mean or hateful. I have only been positive and honest. I actually have nothing to be ashamed of in my behavior during this on going ordeal. I have started attending Al-Anon meetings, and I have been going to counseling. When she was in need, I provided the tools/instruments that she needed to get help. I quit trying to use what I considered leverage for my own gain and gave freely with no expectations of anything in return.

A lot of that is due to the honest and supportive posts and comments I have received from so many of you. I greatly appreciate it and you should all know that during times of my lowest low, I was able to come here and vent, and the positive reinforcement that I received helped me to get through it.

I'm sure I have more trials in the near future: getting served with papers, Christmas, New Years, and then probably the divorce, so I continue to ask for your feedback.

I am growing into a better person, I can feel that. THANK YOU ALL.

LostinBA

I'm glad I didn't respond to the texts from yesterday. I looked back at the earlier texts that I had received and I read where on the 1st of December she told me that after the 11th, I was on my own. I guess the only question I have today, is should I remove her from my 2012 insurance the way she instructed me to via text on 11/29. Time is running out for me to make changes to the insurance this year. I don't think it will affect me any money wise next year. Any thoughts?

marie1960

I would leave her on the insurance until the divorce is final. No sense rocking the boat, and pissing off the divorce court judge. My niece has been going thru a divorce for over 2 years now, her husband cannot take her off the insurance until the divorce is final. I do not know all the legal lingo, best to check with an attorney before you do anything.

Not to mention if a medical situation arose, you could still be held responsible for her medical bills, as you are still legally married. Just a thought.

LostinBA

Thanks marie1960. That's sort of what I was thinking. I think I figured out why she said that I had to the 11th, I believe she has to have been in residence for 30 days and the 11th will be 30 days probably from when she changed her address.. I'm still trying to do the right thing in all situations... Kinda stinks when you know there is nothing you can do to change anything, but it's also liberating. I am just taking it one day at a time.

marie1960

Lost, have you talked with an attorney?

Find an attorney that offers a free first consultation, make a list of questions and go pick his brain. Knowledge is power, my friend.

Protect your interests. I certainly would not want an active alkie making decisions for me.

LostinBA

marie1960, I went to an attorney early in this process. I just haven't done anything with him yet. Waitnig to be served. Thanks for the thought.

Today, I'm a little angry. And I keep second guessing myself on whether or not I'm actually dealing with an alcoholic, or if that was just an excuse to leave. I'm not crazy am I? These are signs of an Alcoholc aren't they?

1. Drank till she blacked out before she met me
2. Drank till she blacked out after she met me
3. Got a DWI
4. Stopped drinking during the school year, but drank during the summers
5. Drank every night till drunk for the past 4 months, says she is not drinking now

Is that an Alcoholic or someone who is just trying to escape life/reality/me??

choublak

She is an alcoholic. Is she still telling you that you are the reason she drinks? Stop trying to make sense of what she says, you will give yourself a migraine.

LostinBA

Thanks Choublak...

One more question for the board. I spoke with the lendors on the travel trailer and the house and let them know what is going on. Am I enabling again? Here I am again having to address the issues that are being caused by her decision... is this enabling behavior???

suki44883

I wouldn't consider that enabling since those things are in your name, too, and having them repossessed or foreclosed upon will affect your credit, too.

chronsweet

Lost, of course if you are getting things such as mortgages and loans and insurance together in order to protect yourself, no, you are not enabling. I would leave the woman on your insurance until the divorce settles, then after that, follow any instructions regarding the insurance. I am pretty sure if she has some available to her, she will have to use her insurance after the divorce.

Have you thought about changing your number and getting a new email address so that you don't have to read anymore negative comments from her. It seems like you are trying to work things out in your own head, why let her negativity invade your mind?

I am still with my ABF and he DENIES he is an alcoholic and that he can quit drinking beer anytime. He has blamed me for drug use and alcohol abuse. I remind him he was drunk the very day I met him and effed up on some kind of something almost every day since. I don't question myself when it comes down to knowing he is an addict. He is, plain as day. Do you think you question her alcoholism because she is a functioning alcoholic and because people don't expect that of her due to her profession? I know alcoholism is a progressive disease. It may end up claiming her career down the line. Try hard not to question what you know in your heart.

From your posts, you seem like a very sincere, accommodating person. I think the reason this disease affects people like those on this board who are co-dependent by nature is because we couldn't imagine doing the kinds of things the addict will do. We are responsible by nature, loving and think we can fix situations beyond our control. I have had to come to terms with this in the realization that my ABF is another person whom I don't have faith in to do the responsible, caring things that I would do. He is who he is and I have to accept that whatever the outcome of our situation finally will be.

It is easy for those of us still with the addicts to say that you are lucky to be free. You ARE lucky to be free, but those of us who have stayed and are coping obviously can't choose the healthiest outcome for our lives at this moment. You were forced into this situation because you would otherwise have stayed and helped. You didn't have the time that I have to come to grips with the ending of a relationship. It was pretty much forced on you and so of course, it might take longer to heal.

Good places to meet people:
A dog park - those who love animals often are good people
The mall
Church - if you go
An outdoor recreational area - the beach, a lake, hiking, etc

IF/WHEN I am single again, I will make sure to take the time to heal from this relationship I am in before jumping into another. Self evaluation and determining what is needed for SELF to be healthy in a relationship I think makes for a better person.

Thanks for letting me share, I wish you success in your newest journey through life.

XXXXXXXXXX

Since those things are also in your name, the very BEST thing you could do is talk to your creditors. If you could get the payment for the house to an amount that you could afford until it sold, that would be so much better than a forclosure. This affects your future in alot of ways. Its protecting yourself.

Could you also get a renter or a roommate to live in the house to share costs?

LostinBA

Chronsweet, thanks for the feedback. I have changed my email, but I can't change my work email. I will check to see if I can change my phone number, good idea.

SuperX, I am willing to work with the creditors, however I had to find a place for myself and the dog before my credit was shot. When the divorce papers come, I will suggest that since she is living at home with her mother, she can afford the payment until the hosue sales, or she can live there with roommates.. i have already committed to a new place. I will even give her the option of keeping the house in both names and if she sales or refinances in less than 5 years, she keeps all gains. If after 5 years, she will have to split any gains with me and sell/refinance within 10 years.

marie1960

Keeping your name on the house will affect your debt to income ratio.......

Since we don't have a crystal ball to predict the future, I personally would be not be willing to tie up my economic status. The courts may hold you harmless but the financial institutions will not.

This happened to me many years ago regarding XH boat, I was still on the loan, and I was trying to purchase a new home well it effected my debt to income ratio, and by the time he refinanced the boat the house that I really wanted had sold........

Just saying............

chronsweet

I claimed bk out of need after a divorce myself. It has really not been that bad and with the previous credit I had (which was really good), I am finding my credit rebounding at quite a quick pace. It is already in the mid-600's after 1.5 years. Just my experience.