wishingdreaming

Today I realized while I'm constantly anxious and worried about him, he's at the bar with his friends not even thinking about me. I'm the one going to talk to a counselor and crying to my mom and friends that I was in love and thought he was the one, while he probably saw me as someone that took care of him and has likely already found my replacement (which hurts).

I have gone from a confident, fun person to someone who is constantly anxious and on this rollercoaster of emotions. Technically I'm the one who broke things off but his actions proved he didn't love me as much as he loves alcohol.

Somedays I am jealous and wish I could be like him and just drink to the point where I didn't care about anyone else and could escape my feelings and just have fun but then I realize that while I'm sitting here miserable, at least I am trying to move on and get over him. In a year this will hopefully just be a bad memory and something that I made it through and I can say I learned a lesson of some sort. In a year he will probably still be sitting at the bar or sitting in jail because he drives drunk several times a week - I'm shocked he hasn't had a DUI yet.

If it was up to me I would love him enough that he wouldn't have to drink but unfortunately I've loved him to the point where I'm miserable and I just can't live like this anymore. I'm trying once again to go no contact so we'll see how that goes, it seems like he knows right when I'm moving on and finds a way to sneak back in by telling me how much he loves me and how we can go back to the way things used to be. I'm praying this time I will be strong enough to keep my distance and love myself more then him. I never thought I would be this girl and I hate it and am ready to be happy and get rid of the anxiety and get my self confidence back.

Thanks for listening, I needed to vent. I feel like I'm on the right track but I need to push myself to keep moving if I want to get out of this toxic relationship. I have to remind myself I'm not the one with a problem and I can't force him to change, I can only change myself.

Learn2Live

I've had to go thru this a few times myself and some things that helped me were 1) Going to Al-Anon meetings on a regular basis, 2) Learning about and practicing Detachment, Boundaries, Acceptance and other "12-Step" related concepts, and 3) Reading books on Codependence and Recovery. I've found that thinking about this experience as "all just practice" also helped me. I've had to learn how to not beat myself up when I just do the same thing I did before (like getting sucked back into a relationship with him again when I KNEW what would happen) but instead try to come away from it each time with just one more realization about myself, no matter how small. Try to remember, too, that each time, it gets a little easier, it hurts a little less, and you get a little stronger, until you are ready to break free!

Pelican

Here are two things I did to keep myself focused on NC (no contact). I needed help with remembering the bad times as I always went drifiting off to the fantasy of a few good times.

First:

I kept a little piece of paper in the coin section of my wallet.
On the piece of paper I listed all the bad things about the relationship.

It looked something like this:

Loving ________ comes with:
lies
denial
financial disasters
poor health
anger
disrespect

The other thing I did was to change his name on my cell phone. I got the idea from someone on SR. I changed my A's name from _______ to "I stole from you".
That helped me remember who I would be talking to if I picked up the phone. I would be talking to the man that professed to love me, but was willing to forge my name on documents to steal from me.

Sending you hugs and encouragement

Learn2Live

I forgot about the cell phone trick, but love it! LOL. Last one I changed to "A$$*%#$" After about two years, I changed it back to his real name.