jessiec

It sounds like you have done everything to help her. What's important is taking care of you. And it sounds like you are well on your way. Hang in there!

Seren

Hey Lost, Welcome to SR! I'm really sorry to hear about all that has happened between you and your wife, but you have found a great place for support.

I remember trying to keep the lines of communication open with my now xH (not an alcoholic) when he left me, and I remember well the hurt caused by his rejection.

I, too, wanted to know exactly what happened and when, what I/we could have done differently. It was all so overwhelming to me at the time. I can only imagine adding addiction to that mix...

But, you don't have to know and understand all of this in one day. Take the time to be kind to yourself right now. Perhaps reach out to your friends and family for support/distraction. It gets better as time goes on....

LostinBA

Today has been hard. It's quite lonely without my best friend. I try to wrap my mind around the fact that she has just shut off and left me but I can't. Makes me mad to think that I spent 7 + years with someone who could just turn it off that easily.

LostinBA

I have been debating today whether to send her an email wishing her a happy thanksgiving and telling her that I'm not mad and want to help her with her drinking and pain pills but I haven't. I'm pretty sure that she is with her family today and I'm not part of her thoughts or concerns.

There is a side of me that want's to let her know how much she has hurt me with her decision to drink rather than work on the problems, but everything I read here seems to indicate that it won't change anything.

I think I will write the letter but throw it away. I think I'm struggling with the unfairness that I feel in all of this.

MTSlideAddict

Writing was a good coping mechanism for me. It is unfair. Addictions are unfair. I would write emails to my AH that would not be sent. The advice given here I have come to learn is spot on. I remembered the three C’s when I questioned my actions a lot- You did not Cause it. You cannot Control it. You cannot Cure it. I think your idea of writing a letter and throwing it away will be a great idea. It allows you to vent those confused, hurt feelings out.

LostinBA

I have my first al-anon meeting planned for this coming wednesday night with some friends and my father. I needed a little support to go to this. You know reading my posts to myself it seems like I'm a complete wimp. I'm not, I don't think, I hope not at least! The two things I can't get past right now and I suppose it will just take time:

1. I still hope that things could be worked out and we could become the best friends I thought we were

2. I feel guilty that if I move on I will be letting her down.

I know i didn't cause her to drink. I know I can't control it. I know I can't cure it.

I also didn't decide to walk out on her. I know after all the reading I have been doing that I didn't handle the drinking issues during the marriage correctly, so I feel guilty about that. The "What ifs" are what are bugging me the most.

Thanks for all the support and advice, I feel like I may be fighting it, but I need to get this stuff out of my head or I feel like I might actually explode!

jOSE2

Hi LostinBA,

I wouldnt say you were weak ! It takes courage to go to your first meeting at Al-anon, You will find people who have been through all the same things you have wrote about in your postings,Al-anon members will hold your hand of support until things become more into prespective,It doesnt happen over night or at your first meeting,
And speaking for myself,I too berated myself with the what if's,If I could have been a better wife,etc , the list was endless, then I learnt I didnt know enough about this disease,that was all it was for me.,Then I found Al-anon helped me through the grieving process,that takes time,some do it quickly,some do it a lot more slowly-you do it in your own time. And the other thing is to have hope,
I took the new-comer pack ,and read and read them over and over again.,and listened to other shares,I found I was in a room full of people,who were far from weak,and I had a lot of Wow moments.Lots of wisdom in those meetings.

All best wishes
Just take what you like and leave the rest

LostinBA

Thanks jOSE2 for the words of encouragement. I've been thinking about sending her the following message for thanksgiving, but I'm not sure if I should. Any thoughts or guidance from those of you out there would help.

Happy Thanksgiving. I wish I would have known earlier what I know now about alcohol. I didn't cause the drinking. I am here to help you on the journey to recovery if you choose too, but I can't do it for you. As much as I have tried, I can't "fix" this myself, but I am your best friend and I want the best for you. Please take advantage of the options that are available with the insurance that we have. I will support you 100%, I always have. Your best friend.

LostinBA

I have one more question. One of the things that my wife said to me earlier this week when she texted me was that she was "disappointed that she let her self get to this level of Self Loathing". Any idea what that might mean?

Eight Ball

Hi Lost in BA,

Keep reading books on the subject of alcoholism, get to AA and keep coming back to SR and lots of these questions will be answered for you. You are not weak - living with an active alcoholic can be extremely toxic for both parties. We fall into traps of doing what we think is right by trying to control our loved ones drinking and behaviours and have no idea what damage we are doing to them or ourselves.

A lot of alcoholics, I have come to believe, have extremely low self esteem issues. When we berate them for drinking, this only compounds the problem. When we do things for them that they are capable doing for themselves, this too compounds the problem. We make them feel bad for drinking. Also when their behaviours (through drinking) become a problem, they again are embarassed by their actions and we point these problems out to them, again they feel bad. Alcoholics cant cope with these negative feelings about themselves and so turn to drink. It becomes a viscious circle. Some alcoholics cause problems too, so that they can carry on drinking as they now have an excuse.

The best thing you can do now for your wife, is to get yourself into Alanon and learn healthy ways of dealing with her behaviours and her disease. I found that you pretty much have to do the opposite of what you 'think' is the right way to go about things and you will hear a lot that makes sense, and some that takes time to sink in, when you start your own path to recovery.

I would recomend that you read 'The big book of AA' for the other 'perspective'. 'Under the influence' by by James Robert Milam and Katherine Ketcham (this book gave me empathy for what my husband was dealing with)

marie1960

LostinBA,

I beat myself up pretty bad when I played the "if I only had done things differently" game in my head. No amount of woulda, coulda, shoulda, will change the present.

It got to be very overwhelming and frustrating to say the least. Accept the fact that it is HER and this is her problem. I truly am sorry that her actions have hurt you.

As far as her self loathing, not sure what she means, I just remember XA having awful pity parties when he was all drunked up. Alcohol is a depressant, so it would only be natural for them to get all hateful and ugly. Not to mention everything is magnified a 100% when their minds are absorbed with booze.

It truly is like living aboard the "crazy train"

As they say around here; Let go or be dragged............
Keep posting my friend, you are not alone.
Wishing you peace........

hef

I feel your pain and am in a very similar situation. Keep writing on the board, keep your family and friends close, goto Al Anon, and take care of yourself. I have found that in those moments when the hurt is so bad; you have to surrender, realize that it is out of your control, and take some deep breaths. Take care of your spirit and it will get you through it.

I am actually still living with my wife who asked for a divorce last week and just spent 5 days in detox. She sounds like she is one the road to recovery and so far I am supporting her. It is VERY difficult and I do not know which would be worse; divorce or working through a very damaged marriage with a recovering alcoholic. Especially, knowing that if/when she fails I will just be hurt all over again.

God gives you what you need, not what you want. You will make if through this as long as you focus on yourself. I know it is hard though..

catlovermi

Yes.

LostinBA

Well I made it through Thanksgiving which was rough. Didn't hear from her and didn't expect to. I think I did a good job by not giving into myself and sending her a message. I wrote a letter to her that I might send when I get served. I think it is somewhat of a closure letter for me. I don't expect it to change anything, but in my mind I think it's fair that I get to tell her how her actions affected/changed who I am, what she lost because of her decisions, and that i'm moving on and will be okay. I can't control her, and i can't cure her, but I could have been there to support her in getting healthy.

LostinBA

I guess I have a question for someone out there. If someone only drinks when they come home from work, even though when they drink to the point of getting drunk, are they an alcoholic? I thought Alcoholics drank all the time.

Seren

For someone who struggles with addiction to alcohol, the drinking habits range from all day to weekend binges. If a person's drinking affects health, home, job, life, then it's a problem. If drinking is needed to deal with even the simplest emotions, then it's a problem.

I hope your days will become easier and brighter soon.

Tuffgirl

You are not alone in having these feelings. Welcome to SR. Keep coming back!
~T

LostinBA

Today I have been wondering if this is all just a bad dream. I know the conversation we had about her drinking took place, and she said that she was going to drink and i can just deal with it, but it just seems so unreal. I find myself just driving around trying not to listen to the songs on the radio that we liked together. I have read the steps that I should be going through, and it seems like I keep jumping backwards and forwards through them. I miss my best friend. Why is is so hard to just let go.

nodaybut2day

I remember having the same thoughts as you...maybe I was dreaming...maybe I was over-reacting,...maybe I was too judgmental...maybe there was a magic solution. My mind tried everything to get away from the pain of having to accept that my XAH was an alcoholic. What helped me do that was a) realizing that his being an alcoholic had nothign to do with me (no matter what he said) and so was in no way a reflection on my self-worth, and b) that no one ever died from being uncomfortable. Yes, I cried, I felt like a loser for not "seeing this coming" or not being able to "make it better"...but then, after all the tears were shed, I was exhausted but calm. I figured that if XAH could convince me that I was responsible for his addictions by repeating it over and over again, then I could convince myself of my own self-worth by the same method.

I repeated the 3 C's of addiction a hundred times a day; similarly, I repeated the serenity prayer a hundred times a day. Eventually, I believed and understood the words more than I ever have, and they helped me detach from XAH and his maddening merry-go-round.

jOSE2

Hi LostinBA,

Are you taking care of your needs?, eating, sleeping ,resting! (we all get caught up in helping everyone else,that we forget who and what we want)

Its a wonderful site SR- a suggestion, to go look at Step 1 and read all about this step, read it slowly, and speaking for myself on this step,I didnt move onto any other step until all of it sunk in.,I realized I didnt know I'd been caught up in this disease,it is so baffling and cunning,that goes for us as caretaker's and even those who drink.I at times still do have to go back and do a step one,and I've been going to Al-anon quite a few years now.

And just to echo everyone else post- keep saying The Serenity Prayer, I can say it a hundred times a day,and eventually my mind will end up in a peaceful place.

All best wishes