Originally Posted by
LostinBA 
I have one more question. One of the things that my wife said to me earlier this week when she texted me was that she was "disappointed that she let her self get to this level of Self Loathing". Any idea what that might mean?
Hi Lost in BA,
Keep reading books on the subject of alcoholism, get to AA and keep coming back to SR and lots of these questions will be answered for you. You are not weak - living with an active alcoholic can be extremely toxic for both parties. We fall into traps of doing what we think is right by trying to control our loved ones drinking and behaviours and have no idea what damage we are doing to them or ourselves.
A lot of alcoholics, I have come to believe, have extremely low self esteem issues. When we berate them for drinking, this only compounds the problem. When we do things for them that they are capable doing for themselves, this too compounds the problem. We make them feel bad for drinking. Also when their behaviours (through drinking) become a problem, they again are embarassed by their actions and we point these problems out to them, again they feel bad. Alcoholics cant cope with these negative feelings about themselves and so turn to drink. It becomes a viscious circle. Some alcoholics cause problems too, so that they can carry on drinking as they now have an excuse.
The best thing you can do now for your wife, is to get yourself into Alanon and learn healthy ways of dealing with her behaviours and her disease. I found that you pretty much have to do the opposite of what you 'think' is the right way to go about things and you will hear a lot that makes sense, and some that takes time to sink in, when you start your own path to recovery.
I would recomend that you read 'The big book of AA' for the other 'perspective'. 'Under the influence' by by James Robert Milam and Katherine Ketcham (this book gave me empathy for what my husband was dealing with)