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Single Now & Learning RED FLAGS!!!

Old 09-02-2011, 08:12 AM
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Single Now & Learning RED FLAGS!!!

Well, thought I should check in with everyone, havent been on here for awhile. I really needed to step out and take a deep breath and see it all for myself, without anyones stories in the back of my head.

I stepped out and I have learned a few new things about myself and about others, its been wild, crazy and at times has been pretty darn fun.

Dating: Oh, this is a new one at almost 50 years old. I got asked out 3 times in one week. Nice for the ego. But here's the contestants all lined up

#1 - Nice guy, owns new home, cars and all of the big toys in life. He is nice looking, but I couldnt get past his big teeth. They were bigger than my truck, Im talking big! He asked me to go have a cup of coffee with him. That threw a red flag. (Really?? Coffee..Threw a red flag??) I enquired some more about him...Well, he has been in a recovery program for 2 years now and doesnt drink no more. I about choked or should I say, I did..It caught me off guard, and I blurted, "Oh, I dont do coffee"..His facial expression were lost and confussed. He handed me a business card and told me to call him sometime. As he left, I filed the card in the garbage can.

#2 - Basically all of the same as #1, but this guy is a hottie! The kind you really would like to scratch & sniff..But there was something with him I just could not put my finger on. Never went on a date with him, just talked on the phone. Then the truth be known, he's married! So that was that and along with it all... he is IN recovery

#3 - This one is super nice, not a hottie, but nice looking. But once again,
court ordered not to drink.

So to say the least, I have not been on a date

But I stand back and wonder, do I just attract all of these nuts???
OMG....Dont know what Im suppose to be learning thru all of this
but Im glad I learned enough to know better!

Recovered, Recovery, Sober or whatever they call it, IM NOT GOING THERE!!!

Words:I have learned that I can not, will not tolerate a man to talk to me with a gruff voice or harsh words. I encountered a conversation with a man that I work with in a fundraising event. His words were gruff and his attitude sucked. And to say the least, I kept QUIT the program within a blink of the eye, IM NOT GOING THERE AGAIN, never, ever again!!!

I also have a couple in which both of them are friends of mine, who just broke up. The man, played the head games with her and I watched her fall to peices and get all emotionally tore up. He called me and asked me what I thought. I told him I see it like this...It came across as control...then it landed in her lap as mental abuse. I asked him who in the hell gave you the right to do such things? Dont even take me there. I have no time for men like you. Pffftt...Have a great day by yourself, because IM NOT GOING THERE!!!

So the RED FLAGS have come up, and Im really happy that I am seeing them
Sure makes me feel like a witchey poo somedays, but I dont care. Im not going there!!!

I have found that laughter has been a great healing tool for me.
I am addicted to being around people that make me laugh
I had to sit back and really think about how many years its been that I really had a belly laugh. Dang, its been a long time. Now that I got a taste of it, I cant get enough.

Now when I am around other couples, its amazing to see what they will put up within their relationships, just to say they are with someone or just to say they are married. From the "single" side, it is very pathetic and sad to see. I step back and laugh and say to myself..IM NOT EVER GOING THERE!!!

The married girlfriends, WHOA!...This has been a very, very crazy one to see.
To hear their excuses, reason, stories, sadness of why their husbands drink.
"They are not alcoholics, they just like to drink everynight"...I CHOKE & Count to 10.....I dont try to fix it, I just offer a small peice of my experiance and hand them a Alanon brochure and tell them, it really helped me...

The dating thing.....Im not ready to go there
The word thing...I have 0% no fly zone locked in my head

Call me a B.I.T.C.H....like its a bad thing..I really dont care!
Thats my attitude and Im stickin' to it!!!

Somedays Im strong and somedays I fall to peices, but I know for sure
I am me and Im not going there ever again....

I need...I want...are 2 different things to me...I WANT!!!
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Old 09-02-2011, 08:45 AM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
As he left, I filed the card in the garbage can.
This one had me laughing BobbyJ.

Here's a priceless line from someone who wrote to me randomly from one of those online dating sites I'm playing with:

"My god your stunning lets meet what great eyes you have cmoing to your city this week moving back at the end of the month lets chat your stunning thru".

Oh jeeez, yes. Sign me right up. I can tell we will have a deep intellectual connection right there.
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Old 09-02-2011, 09:28 AM
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How does asking you out for coffee throw a red flag?
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Old 09-02-2011, 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
How does asking you out for coffee throw a red flag?
Because normies tend to say this when asking a lady for a meeting:

"Would you like to meet for a drink or a coffee?"

Folks in recovery will say "Want to meet for coffee?"

I have also found that guys that ask me out for a coffee can have extreme religious beliefs, which is a red flag for me.
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Old 09-02-2011, 10:54 AM
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PELICAN...That is 110% correct!!!
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Old 09-02-2011, 10:57 AM
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nodaybut2day
Delete or file along with mine!...lol
Gag....That is disgusting!!
Suppose his name was Julios too? LMAO
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Old 09-02-2011, 10:59 AM
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Bobby, DANG, girl, you sound GOOD!!!

Remember that saying that "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince"?
Well, you're a step ahead there, friend, because you can ID the frogfrogs without even having to KISS them!

You sound strong. You sound determined. You sound like a Babe In Total Control of Herself. Like someone who's been there, done that, got the t-shirt, doesn't need another one, thank you very much.

You're encouraging!!!!

Keep up the good work!
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Old 09-02-2011, 11:11 AM
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Thanks Lillamy

I love the part where you wrote about the frog...lol ..That is a good one!!!

I do have my days though, dont get me wrong...
But when I do, I have learned to crank up the Mexican music....
Cant understand the words, but it always sounds happy!!!

Simple things in life....are the best!
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Old 09-02-2011, 11:15 AM
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You've made my day happy, girl!!!
I wonder if my coworkers would mind an awful lot if I cranked up some Mexican music?
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Old 09-02-2011, 12:18 PM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
nodaybut2day
Delete or file along with mine!...lol
Gag....That is disgusting!!
Suppose his name was Julios too? LMAO
His name was "Suaveandsexy" but his profile read "Sleazeball"
*delete*
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Old 09-02-2011, 01:02 PM
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LMAO...

Teeth bigger than your truck...

:rotfxko
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Old 09-02-2011, 02:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Pelican View Post

I have also found that guys that ask me out for a coffee can have extreme religious beliefs, which is a red flag for me.
I LOL'd @ this. It made me think of those Christian coffee shops where they do coffee and bible study...
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Old 09-02-2011, 05:36 PM
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I met my XABF online. Our first date was at a coffee shop. We were together 5 yrs. I am not sure if I could do online dating again but I am sure that 3 yrs. from now I may change my mind. I don't necessarily think meeting for coffee is a bad thing. Maybe meeting for drinks could be worse. It is a tough call. The important thing is to trust your instints.
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Old 09-02-2011, 08:10 PM
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frogfrogs, lol!

Thanks for the laughs!

I might start online dating too... OMG hope I don't find that same guy.

I loved the part about not letting anyone be rude to you or say harsh words.

Another thing I am learning is to stay away from the gossipy type.. men or women...

I feel lonely often but I also prefer my cats and my own world rather than being with others I have nothing in common with...
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Old 09-02-2011, 08:15 PM
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(are these frogs??they look like frogs to me, lol)
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Old 09-02-2011, 09:05 PM
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Huh, where I've lived, it's pretty common to have a first date be "going out for a coffee." Because it's during the day, it's casual, it's doesn't have the pressure of a "night out." And then if you don't hit it off, it's no big deal, because it wasn't a date, just friends having coffee.

You know what's weird about the above? Not just that they were in recovery, but that they felt the need to tell you at (even before?) the first date. I mean, I appreciate the honesty, but whatever happened to pleasant small talk? I dated a couple guys like that: you sit down to coffee and straightaway they're like, "I'm divorced because my wife cheated on me and now I'm bankrupt!" or whatever. Uh, yeah.

And what's with the mean, gruff guys? Is that supposed to be impressive? I went on a date with a guy once who said all sorts of sarcastic remarks about my job. I ended the date early and didn't call--I mean, clearly a non-starter, right? Except he kept calling, blithely unaware of how weird and rude he'd been.
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Old 09-02-2011, 09:59 PM
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For those of you who dont understand what I meant about going to have coffee with that guy let me explain:

#1 - I love coffee alot!! Drink it every morning!!...BUT.....

#2 - A normal man (if there is one) A man who is NOT an alcoholic in todays world.
Would most likely say, "Hey, you want to go get a drink OR a cup of coffee?"

THE RED FLAG is: "Hey, you want to go have coffee?"

Meaning a few things in my pea brain:
A: He is either an alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic
B: He is either Mormon, because they dont drink coffee
C: He is a real manulipator, the sleezey kind, just spouting of crap, thinking thats what
a woman want to hear..

PLUS - My X wasnt much of a coffee drinker, until he went to rehab. After that
he began to drink 4 pots a day. Of course, I had to work and pay for that too!!!!

So coffee as simple as it may seem...Is a big red flag for me!

If you seriously stay in recovery and learn about yourself. Hopefully you will learn what your red flags are.

Takingcharge..Your so right!! Love what you wrote!
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Old 09-02-2011, 10:48 PM
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LOL Wow. This thread is too awesome. It amuses me to listen to girls talk guys. I like it. I think that it's really good to get back out there. Allow yourself to have fun. It feels really good to be liked. It's nice to feel how much value you have in the eyes of someone new who thinks, wow, YOU are awesome.

I asked out a girl today. I said: You are awesome, I want to hang out with you after work. She turns bright red and says, well, I don't think my boyfriend would like that, I'm so embarrassed, I really like talking to you, oh god I'm so red! Then she runs off!

Fun! Awesome! That was so cool. I can't remember the last time my XRAGF wanted to touch me or even cared for my attention. Someone new does. That was so refreshing!

My hat is off to you. This was an inspiring thread
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Old 09-02-2011, 11:05 PM
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Sometimes having a little attention ON US can really make us feel warm, it can help us grow, like sunshine.
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Old 09-02-2011, 11:21 PM
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Sweet corn, I admire you guys who can date.

I reconnected with an old friend that I've known for longer than some of you have been alive, and that's the only way I could possibly have had the guts to get into a new relationship: With someone I know inside and out already, someone who knows me (warts and all) and loves me anyway, someone where there aren't any skeletons in the closet and if there are any, well, we've seen each others' skeletons before.

Oh, and it does help that he might have a beer once a year or so. Tops. When we went to school together, he was always the designated driver. Never had any interest in drinking. And come to think of it, he doesn't drink coffee either...
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