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Finally figured it out

Old 09-01-2011, 09:50 AM
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Finally figured it out

Over the past couple of weeks I have been in kind of a low grade funk. Nothing serious, my recovery was holding fine but I just couldn't put my finger on it. In my journal I went though a lot of maybe it's this or maybe it's that kind of writings but nothing seemed to fit. I know how it feels when I can finally identify what is bothering me and none of them were it. It just hit me a few minutes ago while reading here in the forum.

The feeling started not long after I helped my RAW move to her new apartment. Up to that point, even though I had moved out I had the chance to go back. Now I don't. There is no place to go back to. I lost my safety net and it has finally hit me. This is for real and there is no turning back.

It feels good to finally have figured out what was bothering me because now I can work on why I feel that way and work on fixing it.

It was never anything real bad, more like a chipped tooth that only hurts a little and not all the time but you have to keep sticking your tongue in the chip over and over again.

Wow, it took me 4 months after I moved out to really understand that I have moved out. Maybe now I can move on.

So, Captain to engineering, well Mr Scott now that we have finally figured out what is causing that disturbance in the warp field lets get to work on fixing it. I expect a smooth running ship in the very near future.

Thanks for letting me share.

Your friend,
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Old 09-01-2011, 10:29 AM
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Sarek once said Spock, you are fully capable of deciding your own destiny. The question you face is: which path will you choose? This is something only you can decide.

Take care Mike.
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Old 09-01-2011, 11:43 AM
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It's difficult, isn't it? There's a lot of grieving involved in moving on past an alcoholic relationship. In my case, so far I have grieved:
The XABF I used to know
The hope of a future with the XABF I used to know
The hope of a future with XABF, period
Being in a relationship with XABF
Having a relationship with the individual members of XABF's family (It was best for all if I moved on and stopped communication with them)
Sharing an apartment with XABF, and having someone there when I'm home (I adopted a pair of kittens to help with this one)
Having someone who drives me to and from work
Having someone to go eat lunch with at work (I am happier eating alone right now, because if I eat at my desk I can leave earlier)
And who knows what else, there's all the little singular things that open stuff up and then I grieve again, for that particular aspect.

The more things I have grieved, though, the less time it takes me to move on after identifying the next thing that I'm grieving, and the more joy I find in all the new happy experiences I am having in my life. But it takes time.


I'm glad you've identified it. Now you can work through this one, too.
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Old 09-01-2011, 12:31 PM
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Your safety net was in realty an illusion of what you thought you had. You'll be fine on your own. You've actually been on your own for a while.
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Old 09-01-2011, 12:43 PM
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I was in a funk a few weeks ago and couldn't put my finger on why and it dawned on me- it was my wedding anniversary. I divorced my XAH 4 years ago and have moved on just fine- but I had that funky feeling one weekend and had that AH HA ! Four years ago I was sad. Now I am in gratitude.
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Old 09-01-2011, 12:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Jazzman View Post
Your safety net was in realty an illusion of what you thought you had. You'll be fine on your own. You've actually been on your own for a while.
How true. It's just the reality of it jumped up there and bit me on the ass.
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Old 09-01-2011, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
How true. It's just the reality of it jumped up there and bit me on the ass.
I hate it when that happens.

My ass is all chewed up from this journey. I feel your pain.
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Old 09-01-2011, 05:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Jazzman View Post
Your safety net was in realty an illusion of what you thought you had. You'll be fine on your own. You've actually been on your own for a while.
Wow. Thank you for this. So true.
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Old 09-01-2011, 05:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post

My ass is all chewed up from this journey. I feel your pain.
Bwahahahaha. Isn't that the sad truth though.
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Old 09-01-2011, 09:41 PM
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I so feel you!
And when you think you have grieved all that you can...well, lo and behold! There is something new to put you in a funk!

For me, it was my XAH emailing to say he didn't need his old phone and number because he had a new phone and number and I was left reeling. Silly, I know! I divorced him. Of course he is moving on and not giving me his number...I just felt so...unloved and uneeded.
I didn't like when he was needy, but I also must have secretly liked it because it made me feel needed. His love made me feel loved. He made me feel needable. Loveable. Now that he is moving on I feel like the wind got knocked out of me!
Oh, right. I have had an other-esteem rather than a self-esteem.
He was boosting me up.
Well, there's the work to do, eh?

So, I get it.
One day at a time for all of us working through this!

Peace,
fp
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Old 09-02-2011, 05:23 AM
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It really is great when we can pinpoint what it is that's bothering us. And what you pinpointed certainly is a big thing. It's like you went from still having an illusion of control (you know, you left and COULD have gone back if you wanted-- the ball was in your court) to the going back safety net not being there at all and that's understandable that you'd have a period of grieving, in a funk, whatever you call it... about it all.

I've found during those times that I've been able to put my finger on what it is that's distressing me so much that it really really helps. Even when it's something very upsetting or sad, being able to figure out WHAT I am upset about is so much more manageable than just feeling upset and not having a clue why.

Thanks for sharing this.
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Old 09-02-2011, 06:38 AM
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Thanks for all the replies everyone. I was thinking about this as I wrote in my journal this morning. This was a very minor funk, not a big deal at all. Before I started my recovery I probably wouldn't have even noticed it and it would have become another piece of baggage, small baggage I admit, that I would have been lugging around for who knows how long.

It is really good to have the tools to recognize when something isn't right, figure out what it is and deal with it. Why don't they teach this in school instead of a lot of the stuff they teach now?

I am really grateful for SR and Al-Anon and my recovery and all the friends I have made on this journey.

Your friend,
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Old 09-02-2011, 07:09 AM
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Originally Posted by FindingPeace1 View Post
I didn't like when he was needy, but I also must have secretly liked it because it made me feel needed. His love made me feel loved. He made me feel needable. Loveable.
Wow, FP... I think that's something I'm starting to become aware of in me. Reading what you just wrote... I heard bells going off all over the place.

I have always "taken care" (ie controlled) my AH. He needed me for just about everything. It was a love/hate relationship we had... he needed help, I was glad to give it, my helping him made him feel crappy/helpless so he resented me for helping him... I then in turn resented him for being lazy.

Obviously there is more to it than that... there's that whole element of trying to control and manipulate each other... but this morning... I SEE IT. I see the cycle of dysfunction in our relationship. I see how it fits the drama triangle that LaTeeDa posted yesterday.

I see now that detaching from him is better for both of us. Letting him handle "his stuff" and not sticking my nose in it... fixing it... controlling it... letting him have dignity. It's better for both of us... but I think you're spot on, part of me liked being needed. I liked the power it gave me. It helped me feel strong/superior. Unhealthy.

I'm grateful for you posting that FP... that was exactly what I needed this morning.

Thanks,
Shannon

P.S. sorry for the OT ramble Mike!
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