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Speaking from an intoxicated place right now...

Old 08-29-2011, 12:33 AM
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Speaking from an intoxicated place right now...

Today I'm feeling particularly ashamed of my life, and of my coping mechanisms when it comes to AH. Most of the time I feel like I'm going somewhere, like I'll finally grasp what it is I need to believe in order to have a life beyond him. Instead, tonight I've reverted to my oldest of "coping" mechanisms -- I drank too. I'm still feeling the effects of the rum he brought home for me, and I know that it's giving him leverage in the future to say "well, you drink too." I'd sworn off all alcohol as soon as I realized he's an alcoholic, but today I fell into that trap of feeling like I deserved it -- I've been working 18-hour days for as long as I remember, and today my ex's cousin died, who was the same age as me (25). I've stayed close to said ex's family, and have always thought the world of them -- of the bunch, he's the only one I wasn't able to live with. As I say all that, I feel like I'm making the same sort of excuses he always makes. Then I wonder, why should HIS alcohol abuse make me feel ashamed of my one- or twice-a-year alcohol consumption? Most days the very mention of alcohol turns my stomach, yet today I willingly partake of the same s--t that's killing my husband -- am I the only person here who feels like that? I tell myself it's possible to drink alcohol without abusing it, but with alcoholic parents, grandparents, cousins, uncles, and husband, it's REALLY hard to remember.
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Old 08-29-2011, 01:11 AM
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Yes its possible to drink alcohol without abusing it. I am a social drinker.

wywriter,

Alcohol is not killing him.
He is using alcohol to kill himself.

It could be any other substance.

I stopped blaming the bottle- its just a bottle with some liquid in there. It is the person who can use it to go with pasta at lunch, period, or can abuse it for the Nth time and hurt himself or herself, and the family witnessing the destruction... and do many other things afterwards, with abusive words, actions...

If you have a real life support system, I suggest resorting to them... I sense you are feeling lonely

Hope you feel better tomorrow ((hugs))
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Old 08-29-2011, 03:03 AM
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I drink occassionally. I do/did NOT drink with my STBXAH because I didn't like how he got when he drank. Then I would have to becareful of what I said and I would always have to be the designated driver.

I went out with friends on Friday night and I had some beers. My limit is 4. After that I know I go over the edge and don't want that. I have no need to drink by myself. Drink until I passout, etc.

I am a social drinker. Maybe once a month if that.

Just my experience.
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Old 08-29-2011, 05:50 AM
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I enjoy drinking socially. The only times it turned into over-indulging was when I was with my XABF. He never failed to throw that back in my face whenever we fought about his alcoholism. It's typical A-quacking-BS.

Peace.

Maureen
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Old 08-29-2011, 06:50 AM
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I had the same conversation with my sponsor on Friday night!! My AH loves that game... "I brought you Vodka/Rum/whatever to make your favorite mixed drink!!" so that he can suck me into getting drunk with him... and then spin-doctor, "BUT YOU GOT DRUNK TOO!!!"

It's hard. But I like what TC said, it's not as much about the alcohol as it is about the "-ism". I can have one or two drinks, and stop. So, if I want to have a drink, I do.... and it doesn't matter whether or not AH is having one or not too. We are each individuals with the ability to do what we choose. My having a drink does not make him drink, nor does it make it okay for him to get drunk. If I have too many drinks, then that is my business and my business only. Same goes for him.

Like veryregretful said, I have come to a place where I will not drink more than a single drink around my AH... because 1) anymore than that gets thrown in my face and 2) I can not trust him to stay sober so I have to be the responsible parent, designated driver, etc.
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Old 08-29-2011, 08:16 AM
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I am finally in a place now where alcohol is not "evil."

Last night a friend of mine and I went out for dinner. Driving on the way home, I took a different route, and ended up on the route to XABF's favorite weekend liquor store. I guess I drove him there too often, back when we were together, because I went there on autopilot instead of my apartment. (How sick is that??? But that's a different story. :p)

I hadn't been across this bridge even since I broke up with XABF. We decided to make an adventure of it... And actually went to the liquor store, which is one of the largest in the area (I can only think of one larger one - I know where they all are courtesy of XABF).
My friend picked up a pair of bottles for herself, and I got some white wine for cooking, some amaretto to test a suggestion from a guy at work for altering my pound cake recipe, and a bottle of California chardonnay called "Middle Sister" as part of a Christmas present for my middle sister (it was inexpensive, the label was cute, and she will find it hilarious).

I had a good time, wandering around the liquor store, and joking with my friend about how she kept reacting upon discovery of the prices of multiple liquors that she liked while trying to decide which two she would get. (I got in trouble for my "Should we get a cart?" comment.) The two of us had a great night, and that was the first time I ever felt truly comfortable around a large quantity of alcohol like that.


I believe that, just like an alcoholic has to come to terms eventually with being around people drinking (since it's such a large part of our culture), we also need to find our own comfort level with it. In my case, I never enjoyed drinking it, so me not participating in the actual consumption is normal for me. The difference now, though, is that I can feel comfortable cooking with it, and in some ways I enjoy doing so because to me that signifies taking back the power alcohol had over me so many years. Now I can add it to a recipe, and thoroughly enjoy it, because I am comfortable doing so.

I did go through a period feeling that alcohol should be banned, because it can be so destructive... But so many other things can be destructive as well. Heck, drinking too much water can kill a person. Eating too many carrots will turn your skin yellow. Getting too much sun can cause skin cancer.

So it's not the alcohol's fault. It's the drinker's lack of moderation, and if they're not capable of stopping, then they shouldn't start.
This is the same reason I do not purchase potato chips, because I will finish the entire bag without realizing. Certainly, completing a bag of potato chips is healthier than being an alcoholic, but that doesn't make it healthy. I know I have the problem, so I do what I can to make sure it's not an active problem.
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Old 08-29-2011, 08:34 AM
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OT... Starcat... I have a bottle of the Middle Sister too!!!! I got it a month ago for me and my sister when she comes to visit next!!!
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Old 08-29-2011, 08:38 AM
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I still drink. Just a few weeks ago - the RAH stopped by unexpectedly early (he's NEVER early) and I was sitting on my deck drinking a beer. I asked him if this was an issue for him and he said no. I finished my beer and that was that. But I make a point not to drink in front of him under any circumstances...to me its just a solidarity thing.

That said - I got, for a long time, the AA push myself because I did drink with him in the past. It is quacking, ignore it and do whatever you want to do. Everyone here is right - the difference is that those of us who are not alcoholics can stop...I do when I hit that buzz zone after two drinks. Three and I am nauseated. Four and I am under the table, literally. My husband in his drinking days....could polish off a bottle of wine in an hour and still be coherent.

I felt guilty for a while, as well as worried about my own consumption, when I first started posting here. I believe I even started a thread about it. Alcohol is not necessarily bad for you when consumed in moderation - just like salt/sugar/nicotine/caffeine (and I mean nicotine in its pure state, not combined with additives) - these things are only "bad" when over indulged.

Red wine grapes have powerful antioxidants...caffeine opens the blood vessels...nicotine has been shown to reduce the likelihood of brain tangles & plaque formation that leads to Alzheimers...its not all bad. There are just some people who are genetically predisposed to developing full blown addictions to these substances.
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Old 08-29-2011, 04:46 PM
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This is my embarresing issue with alcohol (I later had to confess to the group).

I had been in Al-Anon about six months. I struggle with a lot of things, but alcohol is not one of them. I was making homemade mincemeat for Xmas and needed some alcohol for that. I went to the grocery store (got a big bottle because I am an idiot and did not realize I could get them in little containers) and then got in the express check out line....right behind someone else in the Al-Anon program. They did not see me.

I got so anxious I had to get out of line and go around the store for a few more minutes, so they would not see me. Checked out and was still so anxious that I did not realize the "steal-proof" top was on the bottle. I managed to get out of the store without setting off the alarm, to have to come back a few days later to have them take it off.

It helped to talk about this story (and frankly laugh) at myself a number of months later when I asked about alcohol use among the members of Al-Anon for themselves.

I think figuring out our own relationship and feelings about alcohol are part of our healing process, about us and for us.

For me it was one of the things that I had to stop feeling guilty about. I can use alcohol socially. I got to the point where I was apologizing for things that were not a problem in my life which I had to stop to feel better and be healthy.
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