wywriter

Today I'm feeling particularly ashamed of my life, and of my coping mechanisms when it comes to AH. Most of the time I feel like I'm going somewhere, like I'll finally grasp what it is I need to believe in order to have a life beyond him. Instead, tonight I've reverted to my oldest of "coping" mechanisms -- I drank too. I'm still feeling the effects of the rum he brought home for me, and I know that it's giving him leverage in the future to say "well, you drink too." I'd sworn off all alcohol as soon as I realized he's an alcoholic, but today I fell into that trap of feeling like I deserved it -- I've been working 18-hour days for as long as I remember, and today my ex's cousin died, who was the same age as me (25). I've stayed close to said ex's family, and have always thought the world of them -- of the bunch, he's the only one I wasn't able to live with. As I say all that, I feel like I'm making the same sort of excuses he always makes. Then I wonder, why should HIS alcohol abuse make me feel ashamed of my one- or twice-a-year alcohol consumption? Most days the very mention of alcohol turns my stomach, yet today I willingly partake of the same s--t that's killing my husband -- am I the only person here who feels like that? I tell myself it's possible to drink alcohol without abusing it, but with alcoholic parents, grandparents, cousins, uncles, and husband, it's REALLY hard to remember.