Breaking up with fiance due to alcohol. Doubting self. Don't know what to say.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
Autumn - if you were supportive of him not drinking, and he drank anyway.... he can either quit on his own for himself or keep drinking. YOU are the one who is changing/rephrasing/acting on your boundaries. Keep talking, we're listening.
- Sylvie
- Sylvie
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Autumn,
He has all the information he needs to figure out what to do, this is the third time you have told him what your boundary is. It's not about where he lives, whether you are under the same roof, or any of the peripheral stuff that may come up in future conversations.
If "there's nothing he wouldn't give up to be with you" - then it's pretty simple. Not easy, but it is simple: he just has to figure out what he needs to quit and stay that way. I understand that you want to leave some possibility that this will turn out OK, and it's possible that it might. But he is the only person who can get himself from here to there. It can be done... I managed it, but it took me getting to a place where staying the same scared me more than quitting forever. Only he can decide if he's ready and willing to take that on.
Take care of yourself.
He has all the information he needs to figure out what to do, this is the third time you have told him what your boundary is. It's not about where he lives, whether you are under the same roof, or any of the peripheral stuff that may come up in future conversations.
If "there's nothing he wouldn't give up to be with you" - then it's pretty simple. Not easy, but it is simple: he just has to figure out what he needs to quit and stay that way. I understand that you want to leave some possibility that this will turn out OK, and it's possible that it might. But he is the only person who can get himself from here to there. It can be done... I managed it, but it took me getting to a place where staying the same scared me more than quitting forever. Only he can decide if he's ready and willing to take that on.
Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
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Autumnbeauty-
I think you gave him more than a fair warning. This is the third time you have had this conversation with him.
One of the things that I struggle with (after my divorce from my exAH) is that I made boundaries around his drinking behavior (those I got okay), such as "If you kick the dog again or attempt to hurt yourself because of your drinking I will leave for the night."
However the next time the drinking happened the outcome was always enough different that I did not leave (he got out of my car at a traffic signal for instance). I was looking at each individual drinking session like a snapshot and I really should have put them together like a flip book or movie. They all were rooted in his disease....regardless of the outcome.
As someone who is working pretty hard on her recovery if I had someone tell me I have this concern about you. I might be upset, angry etc, but I would take it seriously, especially after the 2nd conversation about the same topic.
I think you are being pretty hard on yourself.
Finally I wanted to say that I spent the first six months after we decided to divorce worried about him and what would happen to him. I sense that in your post. I had to learn that his treatment for addiction was his choice, regardless of if I was with him or not.
I think you gave him more than a fair warning. This is the third time you have had this conversation with him.
One of the things that I struggle with (after my divorce from my exAH) is that I made boundaries around his drinking behavior (those I got okay), such as "If you kick the dog again or attempt to hurt yourself because of your drinking I will leave for the night."
However the next time the drinking happened the outcome was always enough different that I did not leave (he got out of my car at a traffic signal for instance). I was looking at each individual drinking session like a snapshot and I really should have put them together like a flip book or movie. They all were rooted in his disease....regardless of the outcome.
As someone who is working pretty hard on her recovery if I had someone tell me I have this concern about you. I might be upset, angry etc, but I would take it seriously, especially after the 2nd conversation about the same topic.
I think you are being pretty hard on yourself.
Finally I wanted to say that I spent the first six months after we decided to divorce worried about him and what would happen to him. I sense that in your post. I had to learn that his treatment for addiction was his choice, regardless of if I was with him or not.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,556
Breaking up with fiance due to alcohol. Doubting self. Don't know what to say.
"Good-bye"?
My LH never even denied he had a problem. I spent 25 years hoping he would "grow out of it." Never happened.
He's deceased now, and I'm free to start again. Finding a date at 54 is a lot more difficult than at 28, though. It occurred to me this week that I might not ever have another long term relationship. (He's been gone 16 months, and yes, this just occurred to me.)
The only person's behavior you can control is your own.
"Good-bye"?
My LH never even denied he had a problem. I spent 25 years hoping he would "grow out of it." Never happened.
He's deceased now, and I'm free to start again. Finding a date at 54 is a lot more difficult than at 28, though. It occurred to me this week that I might not ever have another long term relationship. (He's been gone 16 months, and yes, this just occurred to me.)
The only person's behavior you can control is your own.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 128
He's deflecting. Throwing the ball back in your court. They always do this. 'Well, gee, Baby, I love you so much and will do whatever it is you want me to do... but how can I make you happy if you don't tell me what you want???'
Red flag. Bull crap. Call it what you will, it's all the same.
You mention how alcoholics tell their wives that they choose the alcohol, not the wife... and you ask if him choosing you right now is because you're not married yet.
Well, IMHO, most alcoholics tell their wives that they choose the wife over the alcohol about a BILLION times before they just say 'screw it, I choose the booze.'
Relationships with alcoholics/addicts are scripted, and they loop until either the alcoholic seeks recovery and STAYS in recovery... or the partner leaves.
Every woman who's been in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict will tell you she's received some version of your text message on a regular basis. It's the loop. The partner has had just about enough... issues the ultimatum... the A moves into "damage control" mode... insert some sort of recovery work here... life moves on... here comes the relapse... partner has had just about enough... On and on and on.
Yes, he could actually seek recovery and stay in it. He most certainly could do that.
The question is: How many times do you want to go around the loop waiting for that to happen?
Red flag. Bull crap. Call it what you will, it's all the same.
You mention how alcoholics tell their wives that they choose the alcohol, not the wife... and you ask if him choosing you right now is because you're not married yet.
Well, IMHO, most alcoholics tell their wives that they choose the wife over the alcohol about a BILLION times before they just say 'screw it, I choose the booze.'
Relationships with alcoholics/addicts are scripted, and they loop until either the alcoholic seeks recovery and STAYS in recovery... or the partner leaves.
Every woman who's been in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict will tell you she's received some version of your text message on a regular basis. It's the loop. The partner has had just about enough... issues the ultimatum... the A moves into "damage control" mode... insert some sort of recovery work here... life moves on... here comes the relapse... partner has had just about enough... On and on and on.
Yes, he could actually seek recovery and stay in it. He most certainly could do that.
The question is: How many times do you want to go around the loop waiting for that to happen?
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: KY
Posts: 38
Take it from at 33 year old girl that probably went against her gut and got married anyway for the same reasons.... Now 1 yr and 2 mths past I DO and filing for divorce. I am being selfish for once. I have to remind myself everyday that bringing a child into this marriage is not good. Mine has quit drinking, since I threw him out, yet he has not participated in recovery so I have a dry drunk on my hands... for a only a little longer though, meeting with attorney on Friday.
Go with your gut, wish I would have!
Go with your gut, wish I would have!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Originally Posted by AutumnBeauty 
So....is this typical? I thought alcoholics often tell their spouses that they choose alcohol over them? Is it different before you marry them? Do you think this is just "quacking" or should I give him another chance?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by AutumnBeauty
Hi all,
So last night firmly broke it off with my fiance. I told him that his drinking has been a problem for me for a long time. He pleaded that he would totally quit drinking for me. I again pointed out that I've already given him two chances to either reduce or quit and both times he did for a few months and then it escalated right back up. He insisted he didn't know he'd lose me if he kept drinking. Then he got angry that I "wasn't supportive." He also couldn't understand how I could determine if he is or isn't an alcoholic when we only see eachother a few days a month. (I told him that during those few days he showed me enough to figure it out.) He asked me to move there....so that he could show me he that he's not an alcoholic. I insisted that he would be quitting for me and that won't work - he'd eventually resent me. All his pleading kinda surprised me - I felt taken for granted. If he loved me and wanted me so bad, then why did he keep drinking and why has he periodically treated me badly. I eventually just told him that it was over and I've gotta get off the phone. He said "fine but you can never come back."
After hanging up, I felt bad.....like I had abandoned my best friend. I wondered if I had been unfair. I really hadn't nagged him about the alcohol; I strongly told him twice (1.5 yrs ago & 1yr ago) that I would not marry an alcoholic and I thought he was becomming one and asked him to stop or reduce it. Other than that I said nothing...I just sat back and watched. Like I've said....I was afraid that if I nagged, he'd hide it in front of me the few days were were together and then I wouldn't see his true colors until I move there and married him. I haven't said anything to him about going to AA or give him any treatment plan suggestions. I just made my decision and walked. I wouldn't do that to a friend, but I did it to him last night....and I feel really bad about it. I did tell him I'd like to send him a book on alcoholism. He said that if I'm moving there, he'd read it. But if I'm not moving there, don't bother sending it.
This morning, I recieved the following text message:
"There's nothing I wouldn't give up to be with you hon, especially a bad habit I need to give up anyway. I'm willing to do whatever it takes baby girl. You just have to let me know what it is you want me to do. I do think it would be much easier to live a healthier lifestyle if you were here with me. That's something I was really looking forward to. I don't want to lose you. I did a lot of thinking during the three weeks when we didn't talk."
So....is this typical? I thought alcoholics often tell their spouses that they choose alcohol over them? Is it different before you marry them? Do you think this is just "quacking" or should I give him another chance?
So last night firmly broke it off with my fiance. I told him that his drinking has been a problem for me for a long time. He pleaded that he would totally quit drinking for me. I again pointed out that I've already given him two chances to either reduce or quit and both times he did for a few months and then it escalated right back up. He insisted he didn't know he'd lose me if he kept drinking. Then he got angry that I "wasn't supportive." He also couldn't understand how I could determine if he is or isn't an alcoholic when we only see eachother a few days a month. (I told him that during those few days he showed me enough to figure it out.) He asked me to move there....so that he could show me he that he's not an alcoholic. I insisted that he would be quitting for me and that won't work - he'd eventually resent me. All his pleading kinda surprised me - I felt taken for granted. If he loved me and wanted me so bad, then why did he keep drinking and why has he periodically treated me badly. I eventually just told him that it was over and I've gotta get off the phone. He said "fine but you can never come back."
After hanging up, I felt bad.....like I had abandoned my best friend. I wondered if I had been unfair. I really hadn't nagged him about the alcohol; I strongly told him twice (1.5 yrs ago & 1yr ago) that I would not marry an alcoholic and I thought he was becomming one and asked him to stop or reduce it. Other than that I said nothing...I just sat back and watched. Like I've said....I was afraid that if I nagged, he'd hide it in front of me the few days were were together and then I wouldn't see his true colors until I move there and married him. I haven't said anything to him about going to AA or give him any treatment plan suggestions. I just made my decision and walked. I wouldn't do that to a friend, but I did it to him last night....and I feel really bad about it. I did tell him I'd like to send him a book on alcoholism. He said that if I'm moving there, he'd read it. But if I'm not moving there, don't bother sending it.
This morning, I recieved the following text message:
"There's nothing I wouldn't give up to be with you hon, especially a bad habit I need to give up anyway. I'm willing to do whatever it takes baby girl. You just have to let me know what it is you want me to do. I do think it would be much easier to live a healthier lifestyle if you were here with me. That's something I was really looking forward to. I don't want to lose you. I did a lot of thinking during the three weeks when we didn't talk."
So....is this typical? I thought alcoholics often tell their spouses that they choose alcohol over them? Is it different before you marry them? Do you think this is just "quacking" or should I give him another chance?
Did you notice the first idea didn't work? The threat: If you leave, I'm done. You can't come back. That was supposed to get you thinking too much and doubting yourself. Then you might decide, well this cat isn't so bad. And I've already invested so much. What will a few more months hurt? Easy trap to fall into.
But when the first trap didn't work, he completely switched tactics. Oh baby, you are the best, and I love you and give me one more chance. For fracks sake. I've heard that one HUNDREDS of times. In fact, I got to hear it again yesterday! They are so predictable.
Remember, they are unreasonable. And you can't be reasonable with unreasonable people.
Remember, they lie. And you can't be honest with liars.
Remember, they will say and do anything to get what they want. And what they want is a "host". Someone to take care of them, and indirectly support their behavior.
Remember, they are survivors. When we leave them, they don't kill themselves. They don't drink themselves into a worse position. Some of them realize they fracked it all away and choose to get help. And some of those are actually successful. But most of them move on to another "host" quickly, and never give us a second thought.
Be strong. Block his number from your phone. Better yet, get a new phone. You can call all the people in your phone book in one evening and give them your new number. Or send out texts to your entire address book announcing the new number.
In 20 years, this time in your life will just be a brief memory. And knowing what you know now, the next man will NOT have these issues. You will run away fast I bet.
Good luck, and congratulations on the new beginning!
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Please remember that it is impossible to reason with an active alcoholic. What you have done in the past did not change anything. Stay away, leave him be, you never know what may change when YOU change.
I moved to be with my ABF, I knew there was a problem, he said, "When we are together, I won't need to drink". What an ego I had, I actually bought that. He said he'd stop, and go to AA, and so I moved in. And he drank, and hid it, but I knew something was not right. I wanted to believe in him, and in the power of love and our relationship and all that lovely BS!
I was going to be his savior, and in the end I was the enemy. I was blamed for his inability to stay sober. So I left, with the strength and wisdom of Al anon, and SR, and a great therapist at my back.
And I stayed away, and you never know what will happen, but my ABF drank himself to his bottom, and got real, and got a sponsor, and got sober, and 1 1/2 years later is working really hard to stay that way. We have been together now for 6 months, we still live apart, but things are going very well for both of us.
Stay strong, what you did before did not change anything. Take care of yourself, focus on what all this did to you. You will stop second guessing yourself when you put that distance between you. I promise.
I moved to be with my ABF, I knew there was a problem, he said, "When we are together, I won't need to drink". What an ego I had, I actually bought that. He said he'd stop, and go to AA, and so I moved in. And he drank, and hid it, but I knew something was not right. I wanted to believe in him, and in the power of love and our relationship and all that lovely BS!
I was going to be his savior, and in the end I was the enemy. I was blamed for his inability to stay sober. So I left, with the strength and wisdom of Al anon, and SR, and a great therapist at my back.
And I stayed away, and you never know what will happen, but my ABF drank himself to his bottom, and got real, and got a sponsor, and got sober, and 1 1/2 years later is working really hard to stay that way. We have been together now for 6 months, we still live apart, but things are going very well for both of us.
Stay strong, what you did before did not change anything. Take care of yourself, focus on what all this did to you. You will stop second guessing yourself when you put that distance between you. I promise.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
"There's nothing I wouldn't give up to be with you hon, especially a bad habit I need to give up anyway. I'm willing to do whatever it takes baby girl. You just have to let me know what it is you want me to do. I do think it would be much easier to live a healthier lifestyle if you were here with me. That's something I was really looking forward to. I don't want to lose you. I did a lot of thinking during the three weeks when we didn't talk."
'Nuf said!
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