transformyself

I"m trying to pull myself out of a funk, might be PMS, but I'm so cheezed that I had kids with this man. So sad. His parenting skills aren't what I would choose for our kids, if I had the chance to make the choice today. He's sarcastic all day long with these guys (we have two sons) and treats them like they're his best pals instead of being a strong leader and father figure.

He really loves his kids, and works very hard to provide for them, but this has always bothered me.

I just spent a week with my extended family and seeing my sibs interact with their kids was a such a welcome relief. There's no doubt who is the adult, who is the child, and that mutual respect leads the way. I loved it, but contrasting it with my kids reality is hard to see, even harder to problem solve.

I want to be able to talk with him about this, in a calm manner. There's no way of knowing if he'll be open to it, or if he'll get defensive.

Regardless, I'm making small adjustments in the way I interact with them and really like it. The kids do too, I can tell. It's been a long struggle for me to understand positive parenting, coming from such a sick abusive family, but I've done the homework and try to apply what I think is a good parenting model, on top of just loving those guys so much.

Just venting I guess.

Oh wait, what does Al-anon say about regret? That we wont' regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it? Sounds like heaven to me, and realistically I am there much of the time, but this is a huge one-the feeling like I really screwed up my kids by being so screwed up myself I couldn't carefully select their father..

wister

You mentioned PMS as a possible factor for your recent low feelings. Well I am finding a pattern these past very few months that it is much harder for me to work my program during the first few days of my cycle. This month I even had a sense that it was happening but was still not yet strong enough to keep the insanity away. With time I hope it will get easier. I am feeling much better just these few days later.

I too struggle with how AH can be as a father, but then I consider what he does give him and I try to be the balance for that. I don't always succeed, but that is my goal.

Freedom1990

I used to carry that guilt too, over the choice I made with my youngest daughter's father. He's sober 35+ years now in AA, and was/is virtually non-present in her life. He was absent for his first set of kids while drinking (he's 20 years older than me), and that didn't change when he got sober.

Today I look at my youngest as one of the greatest gifts God gave me, and the guilt is gone.

wanttobehealthy

My AH is so similar to what you describe... wants to be the kids pal instead of a stable figure who sets limits and sometimes has to be the "bad guy"... It's infuriating and I've let it be the cause of a lot of frustration in me for a long time. It always seemed to me that it was so much easier to parent my kids when i was with them alone than when he was around and the reason it "seemed" that way is bc it was that way.

I think that A's are self centered and immature and don't have the ability to be responsible in the ways that come fairly naturally to parents who aren't A's. I've read or been told or both (I think it's my T who explained this to me first) that A's have extremely poor executive functioning abilities so follow through (pretty important to parenting and consistency) and self discipline (also required if you are going to be able to set limits for kids and be able to control the impulse to give in when they have a fit about said limits) are virtually impossible for an A who isn't in treatment.

My suggestion is stop hoping that he will be a part of the team with you to parent your kids and approach your kids as if it's just you. The fewer expectations I had for my AH the more at peace I was able to be. Ironically, it was when I really was able to do this was just the time that he got the most violent and and aggressive toward me...

theuncertainty

Hugs, Transform, I don't have any words beyond commiseration. I completely understand where you're coming from on the Daddy vs Buddy side of the parenting issue. I'd thought XAAH would have made a great dad. It's just one more great act; which is odd. I was able to see how he completely avoids any semblance of responsibility in all other areas of his life, but I let myself think - THIS will be different. It sucks; it sucks rotten eggs. Now I'm finally starting to get it...

WTBH's post:

Is something I've been struggling with. A lot.