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Breaking up with fiance due to alcohol. Doubting self. Don't know what to say.



Breaking up with fiance due to alcohol. Doubting self. Don't know what to say.

Old 07-29-2011, 11:48 AM
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Breaking up with fiance due to alcohol. Doubting self. Don't know what to say.

Hi all,
I've been with my BF (now fiance) for over 2 years. However, I feel I should break it off because alcohol.

A little history:
He didn't appear to drink much when we first started dating - maybe just on rare occasion when he was out with the boys. He'd pride himself on being able to out drink them. But then it escalated to him buying a bottle of rum to drink alone at home. For a while he did that maybe once a month...then it increased to every weekend.... Multiple times, I've seen him consume a liter of rum (mixed with coke) in 2 days. His tolerance is very high. He is on a diet and is prescribed meds for high blood pressure. The alcohol makes his weight and blood pressure go up, but that doesn't usually stop him. He sometimes feels guilty the next day when he'd step on a scale and see he gained weight. A year ago, I expressed my concern that he was becoming an alcoholic. He cut back his drinking for a few months but then it slowly has escalated back up again. He is in the military and failed the run portion of his PT test 4 months ago. After that, I figured he'd temporarily stop drinking and train hard to ensure he passed next time. He didn't...and this month he re-tested and failed his PT again. Other than that, he has been totally functional: he never seems drunk, he just got promoted at work, he's always on-time, he always wakes up hang-over free, ect. It would be easy to ignore the empty liquor bottle and think everything is fine.

We are in a long distance relationship, so I only see him for several consecutive days once or twice a month. During my visit in May, I watched him consumed several Long Islands + 1.5 bottles of rum (each containing 750 mL) in about 2 days. During my 4 day visit in April, he drank about 8 servings of alcohol/day the first 3 days. Then on the 4th day we got into an argument and he proceeded to drink between 1p-10p: 3 Long Island Ice Teas, 4 Rum and Cokes, a 325 mL bottle if whiskey mixed with coke, and a cocktail glass of straight-up rum. He passedout in my bed at 10p and woke up the next morning head-ache free.

So here's the problem:
I tried to break it off over 3 weeks ago. I told him that his drinking was just too much for me and I'm concerned he is becoming an alcoholic. I told him that I love him but that I'm afraid he is heading down a path of self-destruction and I do not want to be part of it. He was very calm but insisted that he did not have a problem. After we hung up, he texts me that he "did not have time for this drama" and that he'd call me in a week. Three weeks later he called. He said that he'd quit drinking FOR ME (not for himself). He also said he felt cheated because I had "let him drink" even though its such a problem to me. I have previously warned him twice (once during the 1st year and once during the 2nd year) that I would not marry an alcoholic and I was concerned about his drinking. Other than that....he's right.... I really haven't nagged him about the drinking. This is partly because I know nagging gets me no where with him and also because I wanted to see his true colors. I was afraid he'd hide it if I kept complaining about it.

He doesn't want to break up and is calling me again tonight. I don't know what is the best thing to say to him. I'm starting to doubt myself and wonder if I'm making a mistake by breaking it off. I'm also 35 yrs old so I recognize that if I break this off, I may not meet someone else in time to ever have children. I really do love this man but I'm afraid of where the future could lead with him.

Any words of advice???
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Old 07-29-2011, 12:00 PM
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Welcome,

All I can say is, if you do go forward with the wedding, I would not have any children with him unless he was not drinking and working a strong recovery program for at least a year, not white knuckling it.

Read around this forum, lots of great informaton. To me, children do not deserve to be raised in an alcoholic family, it will damage the child, and I am sure that you do not want that to happen.

How about waiting a year or so before considering marrying him? Sit back and watch his actions, ignore his words, they mean nothing.

Keep posting it will help.
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Old 07-29-2011, 12:01 PM
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If I had any clue my AH was an alcoholic, or going to be, I would not have married him. I would have at the very least postponed any wedding until there was a significant period of sobriety.

He seems to be twisting in the wind and putting his drinking back onto you. Drinking too much is a problem, whether you point it out or not. It appears his drinking has caused other problems in his life other than his relationship with you.

I, too, would count beer and empties. It's not healthy. Find an Alanon group and see the help they can provide you. Read these boards. There are lots here with lots of experience, just like yours, that you can draw on for support.
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Old 07-29-2011, 12:25 PM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
Welcome,

How about waiting a year or so before considering marrying him? Sit back and watch his actions, ignore his words, they mean nothing.

.
I kinda already did that this past year. I told him a year ago that I feared he was becoming an alcoholic and asked him to cut down his drinking. Then I quietly sat back and watched. He quit drinking for a month or two, but then his drinking slowly escalated back up.
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Old 07-29-2011, 12:28 PM
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[QUOTE=wellnowwhat;3051988]If I had any clue my AH was an alcoholic, or going to be, I would not have married him. I would have at the very least postponed any wedding until there was a significant period of sobriety.

QUOTE]

Based on what I've described, does my fiance sound like he is an alcoholic? How long is a "significant period of sobriety?" A few months? A year? How long does one need to stay sober to be in the clear?
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Old 07-29-2011, 12:43 PM
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Does your fiance sound like an alcoholic? To me, yes and unfortunately this is a progressive disease and without a strong recovery program, he will continue to drink more and more. And, he needs to seek recovery for himself, not you, not anyone else.

Also, keep in mind that you really have no idea what he is drinking when you are not together, alcoholics lie, they always minimize how much they are drinking.

Nothing wrong with postphoning the wedding again, it may be the smartest thing you have ever done for yourself, please proceed with caution.
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Old 07-29-2011, 12:47 PM
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If I had any clue my AH was an alcoholic, or going to be, I would not have married him. I would have at the very least postponed any wedding until there was a significant period of sobriety.

I said this based on my experience. I had no inkling drinking was going to be a problem in my marriage. I had an alcoholic friend and from that experience I knew I could not knowingly marry one.

It's much easier to make this tough choice when you are not married and there are no children.

Based on what I've described, does my fiance sound like he is an alcoholic?

Based on what you've described, you have a problem with his drinking, and have discussed it twice, with consequences, and he still drinks heavily. You are concerned with this and counting empties. If I had had this clue, I wouldn't have married my husband.

I can't say whether he is an alcoholic, and how long of sobriety you should consider acceptable.

Listen to your gut, it's competing with your heart to give you fair warning.
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Old 07-29-2011, 01:17 PM
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If I could hit a rewind button in my life I would-- I wouldve never married him! Your story sounds similar to mine and it just progresses and got worse over time, Empty promises to stop, or control it...things would be okay for a month or months,..then another incident and it just has gotten so bad after ten years of marriage that i am finally divorcing him.
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Old 07-29-2011, 01:26 PM
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Originally Posted by AutumnBeauty View Post
I tried to break it off over 3 weeks ago. I told him that his drinking was just too much for me and I'm concerned he is becoming an alcoholic. I told him that I love him but that I'm afraid he is heading down a path of self-destruction and I do not want to be part of it. He was very calm but insisted that he did not have a problem. After we hung up, he texts me that he "did not have time for this drama" and that he'd call me in a week. Three weeks later he called. He said that he'd quit drinking FOR ME (not for himself). He also said he felt cheated because I had "let him drink" even though its such a problem to me.
Hi - I am in a similar boat, except I've been with him for over ten years. I have been like you - I haven't nagged, I have had three or four serious conversations about his drinking in the past year, but finally told him a few weeks ago that I wanted to separate because I didn't want to live with his drinking. He quit, but says that "someday I hope I can have a glass of wine with dinner". He rejects the idea that he's an alcoholic. He is angry that I didn't tell him how much it bothered me.

Bullsh*t.

Alcoholics often deflect and blame in order to protect their drinking. Mine tried to cut back several times over the past year and failed. I am happy he's not drinking right now, but I also know (I'm a recovering alcoholic) that quitting for someone else is not enough to keep him sober...

Anyway - I agree with the others - postpone your wedding. You've given him a year to change his behavior. He has not done so. He *may* change now, but only you can decide whether it's worth it to wait. For myself, I wish I'd left years ago.
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Old 07-29-2011, 03:16 PM
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If you marry him...

...the following will be a permanent and dominant part of your life:

"I tried to break it off over 3 weeks ago. I told him that his drinking was just too much for me and I'm concerned he is becoming an alcoholic. I told him that I love him but that I'm afraid he is heading down a path of self-destruction and I do not want to be part of it. He was very calm but insisted that he did not have a problem. After we hung up, he texts me that he "did not have time for this drama" and that he'd call me in a week. Three weeks later he called. He said that he'd quit drinking FOR ME (not for himself). He also said he felt cheated because I had "let him drink" even though its such a problem to me. I have previously warned him twice (once during the 1st year and once during the 2nd year) that I would not marry an alcoholic and I was concerned about his drinking. Other than that....he's right.... I really haven't nagged him about the drinking. This is partly because I know nagging gets me no where with him and also because I wanted to see his true colors. I was afraid he'd hide it if I kept complaining about it."

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak
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Old 07-29-2011, 03:52 PM
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Autumn - Your fiance is not becoming an alcoholic, he's been one ever since he started drinking.

Alcoholism is a genetic disease. Basically there are those who process alcohol normally and those who don't. Someone with the genetics for alcoholism cannot process alcohol like a normal person. When they first start drinking their whole body goes into a sort of chaos trying to adapt to this poison that their body was never meant to handle. What results is a body that is out of balance and dependent on alcohol. The whole body changes - from the major organs (brain, liver) down to the cells (mitochondria, cell walls). What I have tried to explain is an over simplification of a very complicated disease.

Your fiance is very sick. He needs medical help in the form of rehab. He needs to be seen by doctors who specialize in alcohol addiction. No amount of pleading, begging, or threatening will get him sober. Would you plead with a diabetic to stop being diabetic? Of course not. You would get them medical help, which is what your fiance needs.

Some will tell you to leave him, which is understandable. The painful reality is, is that alcoholism is a progressive disease and many die from it. No one wants to see someone die from a disease that is so ugly and can so distort someone's personality. It is traumatic. Some people never recover from the trauma of seeing someone die from addiction. Many people on here want to save you that kind of pain.

But ultimately, the decision is up to you.

If you want to read more about alcoholism and understand it, I would recommend the book Under the Influence by Dr. Milam. If you ever decide to get him into rehab, I would recommend the book Love First by Jeff Jay.

Best of wishes. You face a difficult decision which will define your life and who you become. If you are a spiritual person, I would pray for guidance.

Panther
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Old 07-29-2011, 06:02 PM
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Autumn -

I was almost in the same situation as you are in now, but I was lucky enough to get out.

The key is to take care of yourself FIRST. Try Al-anon and read the books Panther recommended. Educate yourself, and the decision, while it won't be easy, may become clearer to you.

Some people recover and some don't. You need to decide if you want to ride the roller coaster or not.

Your BF is definitely an alcoholic, and he's probably going to get worse. I'm sorry for the pain he has already caused you. I tried threats, promises, caretaking - you name it! Until I learned to let go, I was just as miserable as the alcoholic was.

I hope you will stay on this board - it has helped me immensely. Be strong and know that others are here for you. ((hugs))
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Old 07-29-2011, 07:25 PM
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I didn't know that alcoholics weren't just down and outs living out of boxes and asking for money for "coffee" from passersby. I married and had 3 kids, but it wasn't till my late xah drinking hit me in the face, that I saw I had married an A. He never accepted he had a problem, and I was the one who had the problem with it because I was a controller.

Apart from genes and modelling of the drinking seen as kids, there is the often horrid changes in the A where, as my x did....they go from kind, funny, ok drunks (is there such an animal?) to vicious, miserable and unpleasant ones who scare the heck out of their family.

His drinking behavior worries you now, badly enough for you to hunt online for help and to consider ending the relationship.
With these doubts already, why up the danger ante by adding a wedding ring and maybe a child or 2?
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Old 07-29-2011, 07:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Jadmack25 View Post
He never accepted he had a problem, and I was the one who had the problem with it because I was a controller.
This might be a dumb question but why do they always accuse us of being a "controller?" I have heard that word more over the last few years than ever in my life.
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Old 07-29-2011, 08:13 PM
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Haha, yeah thats their favorite word(s) of all time isn't it? CONTROLLING/CONTROLLER. It's not a stupid question at all. In fact I think it deserves it's own thread!
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Old 07-29-2011, 08:20 PM
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So I talked with my fiance tonight. Everything he said felt sincere but totally twisted at the same time.

He said he "is not going to let us break up over alcohol. That is a simple fix. He will just quit." He insisted he is not addicted - that he does not get withdrawl symptoms - so he can easily just not drink at all anymore.

Me: But I told you 1.5 yrs ago & 1 year ago that I was afraid you were becoming an alcoholic and that I would leave if you didn't stop drinking or at least significantly cut back.....and both times he was heavily drinking again after a few months.

Him: That's because I didn't know it was do or die. I didn't know it bothered you so much. If I have to choose between you or alcohol, I choose you."

Me: But you cant' quit for me. You have to be quitting for you.

Him: I am quitting for me if I'm doing it because I want to be with you. Besides its not like I can't stop after one or two drinks.

Me: From what I've seen, 1-2 drinks always turns into 8-20 drinks.

Him: That's just when I drink Rum. I'm fine if I drink beer. This week I've drank twice. Each time I only had 1-2 beers.

Me: Then why do you always buy a bottle of Rum when I visit?

Him: Because YOU like to drink rum. I would not drink much if I drank beer instead of rum
(Btw...this is laughable. I really don't drink and I don't have a preference. He always jokes that I mix one drop of liquor with my Coke).

Me: You tried that a year ago. You said you didn't like beer because it made you feel too full - that it took too much to get a buzz - so you switched back to rum.

Him: No i didn't. I've never tried that.

Me: Have you ever looked at any questionaires that diagnose alcoholism. From what I've seen, you appear to test positive for early alcoholism in all of them.

Him: Yes, I've looked. Maybe I would have tested positive a year ago when I traveled monthly with the military. But I'm a lot better now. I'm not positive anymore.

Me: You just drank 8-20+ servings of alcohol per day during our last two visits. You were worse a year ago?

Him: Oh yeah, that's all my buddies and I would do on those trips. We'd go out and drink all night, every night. My tolerance was way higher than. 20+ servings of alcohol a night was nothing back then. I don't go out anymore. Its really not a problem at all.

Me: .....crickets....

Him: I really hope you'll give me a chance so I can prove it to you. I'll just stop drinking. I'm certain this is a simple fix. I've hardly drank a thing the past few weeks. I knew I was going to have to cut back anyway when you moved here because you probably wouldn't like how much I was drinking.

Me: But if the military starts sending you on trips again, won't you be going out and binge drinking with the boys again? I think the alcohol is what is causing your high blood pressure

Him: Nope, I can limit it. After you talked with me a year ago, I'd only have 2-3 drinks with them. My blood pressure was high before I ever started drinking.

Me: And what do you mean by "cut back?" Do you drink a lot during the week or when I'm not around?

Him: Nope. I hardly drink at all. Its really not a problem. Why don't you move here and let me prove it to you? I'm not like the people you've read about in those books. If you break it off, we'll both miss out on each other; A year from now I still won't be drinking but by then we'll both be with other people.

Anyway...that was the conversation. It felt a little like a merry-go-round. I really want to believe him. He seems so self-convinced he can quit that it makes me wonder if I'm wrong about him.

Does this sound like typical alcoholic speak?
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Old 07-29-2011, 08:30 PM
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Thank you everyone for your input. I really do value it and your help! Its good to hear about other's experiences. Like I've said...I really do love this man, but his drinking worries me. I want so bad to believe him - that he can just quit. I'm just not so sure its worth the risk.
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Old 07-29-2011, 08:34 PM
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Originally Posted by OnMyWay11 View Post
This might be a dumb question but why do they always accuse us of being a "controller?" I have heard that word more over the last few years than ever in my life.
I have a feeling that if I had nagged my man about his drinking this past year he would have accused me of controlling him at some point. But since I didn't nag....he feels I didn't give him a fair chance.

Its catch 22.
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Old 07-29-2011, 08:46 PM
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Wink yes-- a lot like my past...here it is

i was not as wise as you, friend. i did not know how 2 tell there was trouble ahead...
still, i understand what u say about going through all the crap of finding 'mr right' in time 2 have your family...

but the choices u make today are really for your children, dear lady...
i wish i had placed myself into my future to look at what my child might suffer, or myself even--when the alcohol takes first place in family life.
so sad my last twenty-two years have been because of that, dear lady...
let this not be so for you also, i pray.

i'm telling u right now he's going to try putting head trips on you to blame u...
because he's afraid to face himself...and may never change.
please pray to God for help, as i wish i had.
God Loves u.
my prayers will join yours unto the hope for a better man 4 u.
blessings from new york state....
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Old 07-29-2011, 09:14 PM
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It's all just words. If he's an alcoholic, he must protect the drinking. He might love you, but he has to protect the drinking first and foremost.

He says he didn't know it was important to you? I am sure you made yourself VERY clear the other two times. He's putting it back onto you. It is your fault, you weren't emphatic enough. PUHHHLEEEZE!!!

You've had this conversation three times now. Do you want to continue to have it, over and over? Punctuated by times of worry and neglect and dishonesty and chaos and self-doubt.

Read this site and really hear the stories. It will be your story. It is my story.

Believe the actions. That's all you can do.

Wishing you well. Read, learn, find Alanon, and think real hard with your head, not your heart.
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