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Breaking up with fiance due to alcohol. Doubting self. Don't know what to say.



Breaking up with fiance due to alcohol. Doubting self. Don't know what to say.

Old 08-01-2011, 08:36 PM
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Lots of good words here. Most have suffered through years of misery with an alcoholic. The experience is there for you learn from or not. You have to choose. There is no magic pill.

Have you thought about going out with some other men? Perhaps some that might not have a drinking problem? It is a long distance relationship, you explained. You might find there is a whole different experience with someone who doesn't have a drinking problem.

My last pearl of wisdom: Don't marry this person without living with him for a while. Anyone, and especially an alcoholic can behave for "romantic weekends". But living day to day with one will be eye opening. And if you are not married, it will be far easier to pack your stuff and leave. Which you may discover is exactly what you want to do in less than a year.

Good luck.
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Old 08-01-2011, 08:42 PM
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Originally Posted by AutumnBeauty View Post


I'm suspect the military does offer a program for alcoholism. I'll ask him about it. I suspect he wouldn't be willing to go though - he is convinced he doesn't have a problem and can just quit. Also, I bet it would reflect poorly on his military record.
Just so you know. What will negatively effect his record is an alcohol related "event". A fight, DUI, public intox, etc. Stepping up and admitting a problem is no longer a black mark. There are several programs. One is called Military One Source. It is completely confidential, and costs him no money. But once his commander starts directing him to go, things will not be so nice.

The chaplins are good places to start. NOT mental health. No one needs the mental health profession more than the mental health professionals.

Trust me on this one. I've been in the military for 22 years.


But you should give serious consideration to letting this one go, and start looking for another one. there are lots of well adjusted, non alcoholic, non addict men out there. Really.
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Old 08-01-2011, 09:54 PM
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Originally Posted by zrx1200R View Post
Have you thought about going out with some other men? Perhaps some that might not have a drinking problem? It is a long distance relationship, you explained. You might find there is a whole different experience with someone who doesn't have a drinking problem.

My last pearl of wisdom: Don't marry this person without living with him for a while. Anyone, and especially an alcoholic can behave for "romantic weekends". But living day to day with one will be eye opening. And if you are not married, it will be far easier to pack your stuff and leave. Which you may discover is exactly what you want to do in less than a year.

Good luck.
A family member I've confided in recently suggested the same two things.

Its true that I really have no idea of how much he's drinking. He usually calls me right after work and then we don't talk anymore for the evening. During "romantic weekends" he really hasn't behaved - he usually drinks by the 2nd or 3rd day of our visit....and then the binge drinking continues for several days. Usually he'd drink maybe 6-10 servings of alcohol in a day. (Perhaps for him that is behaving.) He'd often claim that he only drinks when I'm around. Since he drank so heavily right in front of me and I haven't nagged, I figured he wasn't hiding anything from me. But after recently witnessing him drink 23 servings of alcohol and wake up the next morning feeling just fine, that really scared me. I'm guessing one doesn't obtain nor maintain that kind of olympic-level-alcohol tolerance by only drinking one weekend a month. Am I right?
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Old 08-01-2011, 10:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
The one thing you must acknowledge and cannot indulge with denial or hope is that he is an alcoholic and he cannot stop drinking unless he can accept that and begin a program of recovery.

Until then, you'll just be getting what you've already gotten. Please, at the very least, be honest with yourself. I don't want to watch yet another woman come on this board, get great guidance and truth, then blow it all off and ruin her life further. It's getting old.

Cyranoak
Believe me...I've been lurking on this board and am not blowing off at the words of wisdom you all are sharing.

It is, however, tempting for me to "indulge with denial or hope" that he is not an alcoholic. I don't understand enough about what physiologically occurs in an alcoholic's body or mind. I really have a hard time understand how he can suddenly have a period of sobriety (for weeks or months) and be free of withdrawl symptoms - it makes me wonder if he's truly addicted? He claims he has only had a few beers all week. So then I wonder...does his ability to stop after 1 or 2 beers in a day (assuming he's telling the truth) mean that he's not really an alcoholic? Or does he have to drink those few beers to keep withdrawl symptoms at bay? How long does it take to build up a tolerance? Conversely, how long does it take for the tolerance to decrease during a period of alleged sobriety?

I'm not saying that I don't think he's an alcoholic....I'm just verbalizing the thoughts I have when I'm tempted to question myself and believe in him. My mind and heart feel like they are on opposite ends of a seasaw right now.
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Old 08-02-2011, 05:07 AM
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The responses in bold are mine

Originally Posted by AutumnBeauty View Post
A family member I've confided in recently suggested the same two things.

Its true that I really have no idea of how much he's drinking. He usually calls me right after work and then we don't talk anymore for the evening.

This is a red flag to me. HAd a ABF that did the same thing. Whenever I spoke to him "later" I could tell he had been drinking. Later was only 9pm
.

During "romantic weekends" he really hasn't behaved - he usually drinks by the 2nd or 3rd day of our visit....and then the binge drinking continues for several days. Usually he'd drink maybe 6-10 servings of alcohol in a day. (Perhaps for him that is behaving.)

Is this really ok with you? After you are married and living with him you won't be able to "return home" to get away from it.

He'd often claim that he only drinks when I'm around.

QUACKING.

Since he drank so heavily right in front of me and I haven't nagged, I figured he wasn't hiding anything from me. But after recently witnessing him drink 23 servings of alcohol and wake up the next morning feeling just fine, that really scared me.

As it should. It would scare me too.

I'm guessing one doesn't obtain nor maintain that kind of olympic-level-alcohol tolerance by only drinking one weekend a month. Am I right?

YUP - you are right. 23 servings?!! What would happen to you if you consumed that amount.
Sorry you are going through this but I promise there is life after them!
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Old 08-02-2011, 05:17 AM
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He'd often claim that he only drinks when I'm around.

This jumped out at me. Not only is it a bald-faced lie, it is him blaming you for his drinking. This WILL get worse and if you allow it, you will eventually start to believe it. Please! If you feel divided now, you will feel even more so after years of being blamed for things.

All we can do is share our experiences with your situation. You have received many such stories here. I hope you will follow your head, because I believe deep down, you know we speak the truth. Your situation is NOT unique. Your addict is NOT unique. His words and actions are straight out of the alcoholic manual.
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Old 08-02-2011, 05:19 AM
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I started healing when I stopped listening to what was told and I went by behavior that I saw with my own eyes.

I suppressed that for so long that it took me awhile to really come to terms with it.

I lived with a binge drinker for a number of years. It was not daily. I finally had to realize though that when he did drink the outcome was unpredictable and it scared me. That impacted me and I had a right to have feelings about that, and when I was ready to act on that.
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Old 08-02-2011, 05:25 AM
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Originally Posted by AutumnBeauty View Post
It is, however, tempting for me to "indulge with denial or hope" that he is not an alcoholic. I don't understand enough about what physiologically occurs in an alcoholic's body or mind. I really have a hard time understand how he can suddenly have a period of sobriety (for weeks or months) and be free of withdrawl symptoms - it makes me wonder if he's truly addicted? He claims he has only had a few beers all week. So then I wonder...does his ability to stop after 1 or 2 beers in a day (assuming he's telling the truth) mean that he's not really an alcoholic? Or does he have to drink those few beers to keep withdrawl symptoms at bay? How long does it take to build up a tolerance? Conversely, how long does it take for the tolerance to decrease during a period of alleged sobriety?
I was a binge drinker and never had withdrawals. Does that mean I'm not alcoholic? Not hardly. I am very much an alcoholic, albeit one in long-term recovery (20+ years).

All these obsessive thoughts in your mind detract from the task at hand, your own journey of recovery from the effects of his alcoholism.
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Old 08-02-2011, 05:48 AM
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I think in your boyfriend's situation, it's all or none. He can't be a social drinker. So unless he's willing to go totally free from alcohol, you're in for a really rough ride married to him. From what you have posted he is going to try to moderate his usage and that's not going to work. For a social drinker there is no moderating drinking--it just happens naturally. At least it does for me. After I first start to feel relaxed, that's it for me. No more alcohol. I don't want anymore. Can you see your boyfriend being content with only a couple drinks consistently? I don't.

Take this opportunity to learn from other people's experiences who have traveled the road you are contemplating traveling. You are being given the gift of choosing which path you are going to travel. Choose the path wisely.
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Old 08-02-2011, 08:23 AM
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I don't want to watch yet another woman come on this board, get great guidance and truth, then blow it all off and ruin her life further. It's getting old.

Ouch.

Anybody coming to this Site is seeking guidance, members' experiences, strength, opportunity to vent, learn, grow, etc. but it is all influenced by where they are in their experience, head and heart at the time. If it was as easy as "that's good advice, I'll do that", there would be no need for this Site. In the beginning, and when there's love involved, there is a great deal of hope and denial to overcome.

As for it getting old, I suspect similar stories were told when this Site was new and will be told 10 years from now. It is not old for the newcomer.
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Old 08-02-2011, 08:44 AM
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Originally Posted by AutumnBeauty View Post
Believe me...I've been lurking on this board and am not blowing off at the words of wisdom you all are sharing.

It is, however, tempting for me to "indulge with denial or hope" that he is not an alcoholic. I don't understand enough about what physiologically occurs in an alcoholic's body or mind. I really have a hard time understand how he can suddenly have a period of sobriety (for weeks or months) and be free of withdrawl symptoms - it makes me wonder if he's truly addicted? He claims he has only had a few beers all week. So then I wonder...does his ability to stop after 1 or 2 beers in a day (assuming he's telling the truth) mean that he's not really an alcoholic? Or does he have to drink those few beers to keep withdrawl symptoms at bay? How long does it take to build up a tolerance? Conversely, how long does it take for the tolerance to decrease during a period of alleged sobriety?

I'm not saying that I don't think he's an alcoholic....I'm just verbalizing the thoughts I have when I'm tempted to question myself and believe in him. My mind and heart feel like they are on opposite ends of a seasaw right now.
This thinking sounds perfectly normal to me. I know I have done it myself. It's not uncommon for reality (mind) and desire (heart) to clash! The trick is to keep the balance between what your mind says and what your heart feels.

Accepting my reality....that I had married an alcoholic...was a hard first step, but once it was made, I could no longer look at it any way else, no matter how much I wanted to. Denial is often a cozy safe place to live. Until it isn't anymore. And when reality smacks you upside the head - there's no way around it - it just hurts.

There are many good books available to learn about alcoholism and addictions. But it doesn't change the fact that you are bothered by his drinking, therefore it is a problem for you, regardless of what he thinks or feels. Check out amazon.com...and visit the alcoholism forum here, too.
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Old 08-02-2011, 02:21 PM
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Originally Posted by AutumnBeauty View Post
Believe me...I've been lurking on this board and am not blowing off at the words of wisdom you all are sharing.

It is, however, tempting for me to "indulge with denial or hope" that he is not an alcoholic. I don't understand enough about what physiologically occurs in an alcoholic's body or mind. I really have a hard time understand how he can suddenly have a period of sobriety (for weeks or months) and be free of withdrawl symptoms - it makes me wonder if he's truly addicted? He claims he has only had a few beers all week. So then I wonder...does his ability to stop after 1 or 2 beers in a day (assuming he's telling the truth) mean that he's not really an alcoholic? Or does he have to drink those few beers to keep withdrawl symptoms at bay? How long does it take to build up a tolerance? Conversely, how long does it take for the tolerance to decrease during a period of alleged sobriety?

I'm not saying that I don't think he's an alcoholic....I'm just verbalizing the thoughts I have when I'm tempted to question myself and believe in him. My mind and heart feel like they are on opposite ends of a seasaw right now.
Hi Autumn... I've been reading this thread, also looking for guidance. Ten years ago, I was where you are now...dating a man who's drinking bothered me. I married him, had two kids, and drank a whole bunch myself to avoid the awareness that I wasn't happy. That's not why I'm reading your thread though. I am in the process of leaving my marriage and struggle with the same back and forth you're going through now. It is difficult to stay strong, to work through awareness and believe it's worth it to leave. I've read that we need to make decisions based on the "now" rather than on "what might be". If you aren't happy now, and haven't been for several months, then you aren't happy. I have also had two or three conversations with my husband (in the past year) about how his drinking bothers me, and nothing has led him to change. Now that I've said I want to separate, he's not drinking. Great. The big problem is that he doesn't think he has an issue with alcohol. This means that in a week, or a month, or a year, he'll pick up. And then I'll be right where we started.

I wish you the best with your decision. I think if you can trust your instincts fully, you'll know just what to do. It will be hard. Nothing is more difficult than living with an alcoholic though. I promise.
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Old 08-02-2011, 07:50 PM
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Originally Posted by returntonormal View Post
Now that I've said I want to separate, he's not drinking. Great. The big problem is that he doesn't think he has an issue with alcohol. This means that in a week, or a month, or a year, he'll pick up. And then I'll be right where we started.

Yep. Been there, and currently doing exactly this. The alcoholic behavior identified on this board is so amazingly similar. Over and over again, I read the same stories. People just like me living with a person just like my wife.

They really say and do anything. They lie. You can not be reasonable with unreasonable people. They are parasites looking for a host.
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Old 08-02-2011, 08:16 PM
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Oh yes, he is certainly an alcoholic (I'm one too -- in recovery -- and I can spot one a mile off). You must break it off before he destroys your life (he may get sober, but don't count on it). You can get a very good idea by reading the postings on this forum.
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Old 08-03-2011, 02:03 PM
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Originally Posted by returntonormal View Post
Now that I've said I want to separate, he's not drinking. Great. The big problem is that he doesn't think he has an issue with alcohol. This means that in a week, or a month, or a year, he'll pick up. And then I'll be right where we started.

.
Yep. I think my fiance is doing the same thing. He's been calling and texting more than normal the past few days - even late at night. Don't know if its because he's afraid of losing me or if its because he's not drinking now. But I agree that if they don't think their drinking is a problem then their period of sobriety is temporary.
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Old 08-03-2011, 02:06 PM
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Just want to thank everyone so much for your insightful replies. They are really helpful to me in confirming my concerns and following through with this break up.
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Old 08-03-2011, 06:26 PM
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Autumn - I'm coming late to this discussion, and I applaud you holding to your values. I've just broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years. No one in our circle of friends can understand it, because he's a great guy. I had a fantasy today of going to his funeral, and being accused of not standing by him, because, frankly, his drinking has gotten worse since I left. Before I left, he was bingeing 3 to 5 times a week.

When we were dating, he didn't get drunk around me, for months, until he did. The more I tried to stop it, the worse it got, it seemed. Until I stopped trying to control his drinking. Instead, I got a handle on my rage and my values (in that order).

Now I live a drama-free, alcohol-free, TV-free life - without him. I'm still crying into my pillow on Saturday nights, but only then, which is a huge improvement.

Thanks for sharing your story ~ I wish I'd come here first.

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Old 08-06-2011, 06:16 AM
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Hi all,
So last night firmly broke it off with my fiance. I told him that his drinking has been a problem for me for a long time. He pleaded that he would totally quit drinking for me. I again pointed out that I've already given him two chances to either reduce or quit and both times he did for a few months and then it escalated right back up. He insisted he didn't know he'd lose me if he kept drinking. Then he got angry that I "wasn't supportive." He also couldn't understand how I could determine if he is or isn't an alcoholic when we only see eachother a few days a month. (I told him that during those few days he showed me enough to figure it out.) He asked me to move there....so that he could show me he that he's not an alcoholic. I insisted that he would be quitting for me and that won't work - he'd eventually resent me. All his pleading kinda surprised me - I felt taken for granted. If he loved me and wanted me so bad, then why did he keep drinking and why has he periodically treated me badly. I eventually just told him that it was over and I've gotta get off the phone. He said "fine but you can never come back."

After hanging up, I felt bad.....like I had abandoned my best friend. I wondered if I had been unfair. I really hadn't nagged him about the alcohol; I strongly told him twice (1.5 yrs ago & 1yr ago) that I would not marry an alcoholic and I thought he was becomming one and asked him to stop or reduce it. Other than that I said nothing...I just sat back and watched. Like I've said....I was afraid that if I nagged, he'd hide it in front of me the few days were were together and then I wouldn't see his true colors until I move there and married him. I haven't said anything to him about going to AA or give him any treatment plan suggestions. I just made my decision and walked. I wouldn't do that to a friend, but I did it to him last night....and I feel really bad about it. I did tell him I'd like to send him a book on alcoholism. He said that if I'm moving there, he'd read it. But if I'm not moving there, don't bother sending it.

This morning, I recieved the following text message:

"There's nothing I wouldn't give up to be with you hon, especially a bad habit I need to give up anyway. I'm willing to do whatever it takes baby girl. You just have to let me know what it is you want me to do. I do think it would be much easier to live a healthier lifestyle if you were here with me. That's something I was really looking forward to. I don't want to lose you. I did a lot of thinking during the three weeks when we didn't talk."

So....is this typical? I thought alcoholics often tell their spouses that they choose alcohol over them? Is it different before you marry them? Do you think this is just "quacking" or should I give him another chance?
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Old 08-06-2011, 07:11 AM
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Sounds like a quack to me because he put a "condition" on his sobriety.. "it would be much easier to live a healthier lifestyle if you were here with me. "
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Old 08-06-2011, 07:15 AM
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What Anvilhead said, and this:

I haven't said anything to him about going to AA or give him any treatment plan suggestions. I just made my decision and walked. I wouldn't do that to a friend, but I did it to him last night....and I feel really bad about it.

You don't have to, it's not YOUR problem.

He knows about AA, he knows he can look in the phone book, talk to his friends, his doctor, his religious leader, go to a book store, or library, that there are many options, if he chooses. He's a grown man who can figure this out on his own.

You have not sold him short. You have nothing to feel bad about, except maybe a temporary, short term mourning over what may have been and is not, and will probably never be (and in truth, probably never was).
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