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Today I woke up & felt...

Old 05-11-2011, 09:41 AM
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Today I woke up & felt...

Pissed. Really Pissed, to the point I cried, threw rock, sticks, stones and even my coffee cup across the yard.

I am pissed, that I believed he would change & stay sober.

I am pissed, that he has left the state & left me with all of the bills.

I am pissed, that I believed his promises from the night he left me.
Crying & saying, he was sorry for leaving me in a really bad financial
mess, and he would never do that again.

I am pissed, that we spent $10 grand on rehab, and he still choose's
to drink his life away.

I am pissed, that I have lived so many years of not understanding
alcoholics.

I am pissed, that I allowed this to happen to me.

I am pissed, that my life, my family, has become one big fat mess.

I know, I cant change, cure or control it...The past is the past.
I know, that it is up to me to make the changes within myself.
I know, that Im Thankful God, is holding me up today, because
all I want to do is lay in the sun today in the middle of the yard
and cry all day...Maybe throw some more crap around the yard...

But, I cant do that, I have to go to work today, put on a happy
face, deal with the public, hopefully make some good sales, so I
can pay the debt and the house payment for the month...

I am just pissed today...And that's okay...
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Old 05-11-2011, 09:49 AM
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Yep, it is ok. And you will be ok. Some day you will look back on this time and feel glad you survived it all.

Hugs and prayers coming your way...
~T
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Old 05-11-2011, 10:00 AM
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Thanks so much for your honesty and sharing how you feel bc in addition to my wanting to tell you how normal and fine it is to feel all these things, I want you to know that when I read that others are struggling, it always helps me a bit too and gives me permission to not feel I have to be perfect and keep it together 100% of the time...

You have many reasons to be upset and hurt and I hope that when the day is finished (at work) you can do something good for yourself?

Thinking of you....
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Old 05-11-2011, 10:13 AM
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i jut got over a bout of pissedness that lasted about two weeks.

i was enraged.

i behaved badly, missed appointments, lashed out.

then the smoke cleared, a little and i was still standing, my son still here, the mess still everywhere, but...
i think it helped some, hurt some...

i am still sooo angry.

for some of the same reasons you have listed.

you are not alone. thats all i wanted to say.
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Old 05-11-2011, 10:17 AM
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you are not alone. we have all done hit big hugs to you
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Old 05-11-2011, 10:30 AM
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I am just pissed today...And that's okay...
It sure is! And you know what? Pissed is a step forward from being a crying mess worrying about him. Right?

I've been pissed. Some days I'm still pissed. But most days, I'm indifferent. I'm incredibly grateful to have the A out of my life as much as he is out of my life, I'm happy that I'm in charge of my own life again (me and my HP). But when I think of my AXH? It's with indifference.
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Old 05-11-2011, 11:03 AM
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Must be the phase of the moon, 'cuz I'm PISSED too!!! Haha!

I am, like you, okay with being pissed off. I use it to motivate me forward, but I do my best to not let it consume me or cloud my thinking.

You have every right to be mad, IMHO. What helps me...

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.

So, right now, I think I am more mad at MYSELF because I allowed him to fool me, yet again. When the heck will I learn?!?! RIGHT NOW. Starting today, I will focus on reality and the truth.
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Old 05-11-2011, 11:27 AM
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This post has been such a huge help for me today, thank you. Some days I can't believe what an emotional roller coaster I am on and I find that I get angrier than I ever have and want to kick myself for believing the bs thrown my way. You all are amazing I think of you often and your sage advice, common emotions and everyones goal to be stronger, happier and more at peace in our lives.
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Old 05-11-2011, 11:32 AM
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Being pissed is great. Try to take it easy on yourself though. You're not the person causing the anger.
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Old 05-11-2011, 01:37 PM
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I prefer angry than sad.

I am also angry about my own patterns and about all the time I have lost. And about all the care and love I refuse to give myself.
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Old 05-11-2011, 03:34 PM
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I don't feel much anger anymore. As my therapist pointed out- I was angry through most of my marriage. It feels good to not feel that way anymore.
I recently spoke to my AH about his father who passed away a few months ago.
He said he was conflicted about how he felt about him.
The "old me" would have said-"Focus on the good memories and hopefully there are more good than bad."
The "new me" said-"You have every right to feel all the emotions you feel about him. You can miss him, be angry at him, be resentful, be sad." Its when you don't let yourself feel those things that you get in trouble."

We have every right to feel angry at the situation and sometimes I just let myself. This usually calls for listening to Pink, Alanis Morrisette, Janice Joplin. Then I move on to something else.
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Old 05-11-2011, 04:03 PM
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feel the anger, acknowledge it. It's healthy. It becomes UNhealthy to us when we hold onto it and don't let it go. Right noow it's leading you one step closer to healing.
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Old 05-11-2011, 04:22 PM
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My pissedness has lasted about a month now.

Even while I'm doing the steps, I still feel angry.

I want to ask my exabf, so why did it only take you less than 2 months to go from "I love you so much and I always will" to "I loveD you"

I wanna ask him:

"Do you ever ask yourself..

Why you went from a WOMAN who is intelligent..who is a model...who has her own house, her own business which she got YOU involved in, to foster your creativity and make you some money, to an immature, un-intellectual GIRL who lives with her parents, can barely hold down a job, drinks all the time, and whose idea of fun is smoking pot and dodging poles in parking garages?

And you want to believe it seriously has NOTHING to do with the fact that I told you I couldn't put up with your drinking anymore??

I guess, if you can keep convincing yourself, you’re not really WITH her..not really “in a relationship with her “...even tho she’s at your house every weekend..she’s enmeshing herself in your life yet AGAIN, with this stupid game you both play, .....for the umpteenth time in 7 years...(and I’d BET..I’d put a ton of money on betting that SHE thinks you are “in a relationship”, cuz you sure fooled her the FIRST time I broke up w you and you went running back to that skank)...then you don’t have to ask yourself that question. Right?"

Yeah, I wanna ask that. But I can't. It wouldn't do me any good anyway. It would just be venting.



Originally Posted by Buffalo66 View Post
i jut got over a bout of pissedness that lasted about two weeks.

i was enraged.

i behaved badly, missed appointments, lashed out.

then the smoke cleared, a little and i was still standing, my son still here, the mess still everywhere, but...
i think it helped some, hurt some...

i am still sooo angry.

for some of the same reasons you have listed.

you are not alone. thats all i wanted to say.
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