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not anymore...i have nothing left

Old 05-10-2011, 10:45 PM
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not anymore...i have nothing left

I was doing really good and I made the mistake of letting RAH back in for a talk Sunday and he said he was going to go to inpatient rehab, even called his insurance asking what he is eligible for, completed the intake application, etc..he was going to cut off his enabling mistress if he had to change his #, quit his job(because he works with her) and do whatever he had to do to get me back.

Now...its 2 days later and he's already back to being the old mean, angry person he was and said I am trying to control him because I am asking when he intends to follow through on the things he said he was going to do.

I am an idiot. I have no self esteem. I am good for a few days and then I get sucked back in. I have no family that loves me and I am just damaged and I don't think things will ever get better. I am ashamed for going so many rounds with him. I have alienated the small friends that I did have by giving in so many times to this relapsing AH.

Ive been trying for 2 years and we share our 3 year old and so we can never make a clean break. When I try to make a clean break, I just get harrassed for trying by him. When we are apart he uses every insecurity and bit of knowledge about me over my head to coerse me into getting along.

I really feel like I have nothing and cannot recover because I have been down so long. i think this will be my last post on SR because I am embarrassed and ashamed that I am so pathetic.

Thank you for helping me while I was fooling myself thinking I was strong enough to get out of this situation.
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Old 05-10-2011, 10:50 PM
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I am sorry it sounds as if things must be very difficult for you. For myself and my kids SAFETY always comes first. I know when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders it helps to repeat, "this too shall pass.." over and over.
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Old 05-10-2011, 10:59 PM
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1) You are NOT an idiot.
2) Go to Al-Anon to get f2f support...you'll feel much better.
3) Consider going No Contact.
4) You have a world of friends right here on SR...we care.
5) Please don't stop posting. You deserve your life how you want it. Sometimes it just takes longer than we want it to.

:ghug3
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Old 05-10-2011, 11:28 PM
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((Sweetteewalls))

I was with XAH for 18 years. He was also verbally and emotionally abusive. I got out. It wasn't easy - but nothing worthwhile really is. You don't have to do it all at once. Just keep taking one small step at a time. And, this is the most important bit, stop being so hard on yourself. You deserve better. Stop being so mean to yourself. Be kind to yourself. This is hard to do, I know.

Can you get to a counsellor? Someone to talk things through with?

Have you been to see a doctor? You sound really depressed - you sound just like I did before the meds and counselling!

Please don't stop posting. We've all been where you are now - no-one here is perfect! You don't have to be ashamed.:ghug3
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Old 05-11-2011, 12:20 AM
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sweetteewalls, i'm so sorry you feel that way. and honestly, as many of us on here have felt pathetic... i honestly don't know any words of comfort.

i remember being there. in fact, i still visit that mindset every once in a while... i'm sorry that you feel like you have no one to talk to, especially no family to really give you support. i found that i HAD to see a therapist. this whole world we've been engulfed in for multiple years literally makes us crazy--we have to reset our brains. see a therapist ASAP to talk about all of your feelings. i know you feel pathetic... and i'm sure saying that "we all have felt pathetic" doesn't really fix things, but please DO keep posting just so you can at least feel the support that you do have HERE.

something that helped me was that I made this "map" of who i am (therapist suggestion). i put "ME" in the center then i put things about me all around, just so i could ground myself and remind myself of who i am (like i like traveling around the world, i love my nieces/nephews and try to be an example to them, etc etc)--because the things you believe about yourself are the things no one else can take. write down the things u are (not the things your A told you you were). it reminds you you're not pathetic.

also--i found this advice on some "heartbreak" column where you imagine yourself old (like grandma age) and you write your grandkid a letter... and start it off with "to my grandchild... i had a great life because...[finish in your own words]". it puts things into perspective a bit.

now, with all of that said--i've done those and STILL find the need to look for support on here... so yes, coming back from the lowest point is going to take some time and probably a lot more effort than you really even believe you can even muster... especially for a future you aren't even convinced you'd really enjoy. i guess every day is a battle... and again, im sorry you feel the way you do--but emotions DO change. and this forum will be here for all of them.

is there any way you could maybe just take a vacation away from it all for a while? maybe just spend a week away with you and your child? try and get out of the house/community you've been in... traveling and seeing a lot of what "the rest of the world" is up to also helps to make us realize that this thing that we've had to live through is such a tiny thing in comparison to everything else--i dont think you can feel that until you really let yourself take a long vacation away from it all.
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Old 05-11-2011, 12:39 AM
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OMG please don't leave...I hate to see you throw away a valuable source of support because you feel bad about yourself. Do you KNOW how many of us have been in the same position as you???

Do you know, I took my exabf back about 10 times in 3.5 yrs?? For the same reasons you did??

Honey, no one is judging you here. Please don't feel stupid. Just like the alcoholic has a disease because of this horrible substance, we too have a disease. It requires a strong program of recovery, just like alcoholism. No one here is judging you or blaming you because we of all people understand what made you do it. We've been there. We've all been let down, tricked, manipulated and robbed of many precious things because of this disease. Please stay.

Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
I was doing really good and I made the mistake of letting RAH back in for a talk Sunday and he said he was going to go to inpatient rehab, even called his insurance asking what he is eligible for, completed the intake application, etc..he was going to cut off his enabling mistress if he had to change his #, quit his job(because he works with her) and do whatever he had to do to get me back.

Now...its 2 days later and he's already back to being the old mean, angry person he was and said I am trying to control him because I am asking when he intends to follow through on the things he said he was going to do.

I am an idiot. I have no self esteem. I am good for a few days and then I get sucked back in. I have no family that loves me and I am just damaged and I don't think things will ever get better. I am ashamed for going so many rounds with him. I have alienated the small friends that I did have by giving in so many times to this relapsing AH.

Ive been trying for 2 years and we share our 3 year old and so we can never make a clean break. When I try to make a clean break, I just get harrassed for trying by him. When we are apart he uses every insecurity and bit of knowledge about me over my head to coerse me into getting along.

I really feel like I have nothing and cannot recover because I have been down so long. i think this will be my last post on SR because I am embarrassed and ashamed that I am so pathetic.

Thank you for helping me while I was fooling myself thinking I was strong enough to get out of this situation.
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Old 05-11-2011, 12:59 AM
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sweetteewalls,

I have posted over 4000 times here, most of those posts feeling pathetic! and they haven't kicked me out yet. This is a safe place to talk with honesty about our feelings.

I got many things going on, recently posted about how happy and grateful I felt! on Saturday I was on the top of the world!

Well....since Monday I have refused to leave my apartment and am seriously depressed. Without focus, odd sleep times, no motivation at all. Feeling pathetic. AGAIN. Sigh!!

Anyway posting here helps me a lot so I hope you continue posting. Everything is temporary.. also pain, and bad times.

I also notice how I have no self esteem. Am working on it. But its quite frustrating. Although after so many years of being a doormat, it won't happen overnight.

As they said every day is a struggle... but payoffs are grand.. I felt them on Saturday.. I want to feel that way again. It can be done. One step at a time!! we are NOT alone. I get it, that pull to isolate can be strong... in my case being in SR I realize there are wonderful people that get me, and much wisdom, and it gives me strength to face the world and perhaps connect with people in real life that do get me, that feel compassion, that are not superficial. Those that can lend me a hand, or an ear.....

HUGS!
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Old 05-11-2011, 04:37 AM
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Please do not stop posting, Sweet!

Nearly everyone here has been on the roller coaster ride you describe, everyone on a different tier of healing.

This, what you describe is what Alcoholics do.
HE is all about instant gratification, he will tell you what you want to hear in order to sway your actions and choices for his enabling needs, for his emotional sense of security.

In his illness, he feels that if you believe him and he can still get you back, he must not be that bad...There is NO SHAME in falling for this.

My mom always says, when I get really, really down on myself for not being able to make a clean break:

"There is no shame in wanting to love and trust someone."

She is a codie, and I learned it from her, I guess...BUt it is true.

PLease keep posting. I have seen miracles happen here, and they do not happen overnight.

Hang in there and stop beating yourself up!
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Old 05-11-2011, 05:09 AM
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What every one said and also consider that you are expecting your AH to validate you and think rationally. IMO you cannot get that from an alcoholic.

Maybe try focusing on you and your son. Are there other moms around that you can get together with and maybe share time to get a break from parenting.

You don't need to make any decisions right now to get out of your situation -unless there are safety issues.

Take time for yourself to get a clearer head to make decisions little by little. Stop focusing on what your AH will or won't do, this will just continue to cause frustration.

I hope you get support for you. Maybe try to separate the support you need for being a mom from the support you need for being in a relationship with AH. Moms group and therapy, alanon and keep coming here. It's hard being a mom and even harder when you don't have the partner you were expecting to have.
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Old 05-11-2011, 05:49 AM
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[QUOTE]
Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
I was doing really good and I made the mistake of letting RAH back in for a talk Sunday and he said he was going to go to inpatient rehab, even called his insurance asking what he is eligible for, completed the intake application, etc..he was going to cut off his enabling mistress if he had to change his #, quit his job(because he works with her) and do whatever he had to do to get me back.

It is amazing to me, how they keep trying, until they say just enough or just the right thing to get you back into their "life" with them. they that person who believes in them, but only to use and abuse your love.

Now...its 2 days later and he's already back to being the old mean, angry person he was and said I am trying to control him because I am asking when he intends to follow through on the things he said he was going to do.
What an A$$, to waste your time. Treating you like a puppet on a string. you are more valuable than that!


I am an idiot. I have no self esteem. I am good for a few days and then I get sucked back in. I have no family that loves me and I am just damaged and I don't think things will ever get better. I am ashamed for going so many rounds with him. I have alienated the small friends that I did have by giving in so many times to this relapsing AH.

You are not an idiot. Maybe vulnerable, lonely, and not facing the truth about what he really is?

When we are apart he uses every insecurity and bit of knowledge about me over my head to coerse me into getting along.
Don't listen to him. Be your own parent, sister, family, and love yourself. You are a mommy, and to that little person in your life, you are everything. You do have family- that little one who needs you, and who will pattern his life after what he or she experiences now.

no man is better than the wrong man! believe me, your children are worth far more to you, and someday, the choices you made for them will be the most important and rewarding-or the most painful memories. I know that one from experience.

I really feel like I have nothing and cannot recover because I have been down so long. i think this will be my last post on SR because I am embarrassed and ashamed that I am so pathetic.
When i read and thought about this, I pictured his world as a dark, sick, dysfunctional, and abusive place, with a door that you have the power to walk into or out of. No wonder you feel so badly, when you are in his world. You know what it feels like to live on the other side, without his misery.

take back your power. you were doing good, and you can again. just dont walk through that door to he!!- that keeps you from experiencing the joys that your own peaceful life and your child, can bring. If you can get to some alanon meetings , it will give you strength , will give your mind clarity, you will make better choices.

Thank you for helping me while I was fooling myself thinking I was strong enough to get out of this situation.
What makes you think you are not strong enough? Some bad choices? We learn from our mistakes most of the time. You are learning! If you weren't , you would not be posting here, wanting help. That is what we are here for dear, to help each other.

You may find, as I did, that you have to walk out of that abusive situation, in faith, not necessarily feeling good about it, but that will come when you leave the fog of his mean, sick world. I know that is how it worked for me, I got stronger as time passed, away from the abusive words, wasted days, and the frustrations of dealing with a person who jerks you around. when you think if what love is, and what it isn't, you can ask yourself, "Is this person my friend?" and if the answer is no, then my opinion is that it is not love.

Sometimes it takes a lot of pain, to finally see things as they really are. It did for me. You and your child deserve peace, security, and joy. money cant bring that, having "someone" doesn't guarantee that, only you can give that to yourself. and family is not always a blood relative, i have lots of support that is not relation. lots of it here.

others mentioned maybe getting in to see your doctor, and that is so helpful sometimes. our brain chemistry can get pretty messed up when we are under prolonged intense stress. i have taken antidepressants, when things got so mucked up, and it helped me to bring myself out of that overwhelming sadness. hang in there, you may have hit a bump in the road again, more like you fell in a stinking pothole, but there is always hope. you just have to believe that yourself, and you will see that you have the power!
hugs
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Old 05-11-2011, 06:38 AM
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I've been going to therapy, Alanon, anger management, couples counseling and I make good progress and then I take steps back which make me so disappointed in myself. If I am doing all this work, why when it comes down to it, do I give in to AH?
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Old 05-11-2011, 06:51 AM
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Because, we want to believe that the old "before alcohol" person is still there somewhere, underneath the disease, but it's not true.
I've spent over 8 years trying to get that person back, but he ain't coming back. I will never have the man who could make me laugh by saying one stupid line, who would willingly take his child to the park to play, to the river to fish, anything to give me a few hours by myself. Who would do anything besides sitting down and either watching tv, or playing video games. It's taken me this long to finally understand that.

You going to anger management won't work because, at least in my case, my biggest source of anger is AH. Watching him self-destruct, and bringing the rest of us down with him is a BIG trigger to my anger. Couples counseling? I wouldn't even consider it with an active alcoholic, and no way with my AH. he'd use anything I'd say about him against me during one of his drunken rants.

Unless you remove yourself from the situation, or he goes to rehab(preferably both really) then the cycle is going to continue. Alcoholism isn't just a problem for the drinker, it's a problem for everyone involved with him.
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Old 05-11-2011, 06:55 AM
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Maybe this is the time when you choose to do something different?

Thanks for sharing, I find strength in knowing that I am not alone in letting a RA back into my life time and time again. I know it's not sane, but it's where I am.

I just take things one day at a time. When I start to feel overwhelmed and frustrated and like I want him to be with me and do this or that, I realize the only corner of this world I can improve is myself.

I stopped posting my story here because I felt ashamed. I didn't take suggestions. Just because it may clearly be the healthy action to take, doesn't mean that it is my path. Yet. I felt like I should reach out to you.

I completely understand the feeling of letdown when someone seems to want to change and then doesn't. I keep working on myself. If I choose to be in a relationship with this person, I can either: be wrecked when they behave like a dry drunk (which is often), or focus on myself and watch him come and go as he pleases. I think at some point I will find myself no longer needing the attachment I feel to HIM , but I just ain't there yet!!

Hugs and Love
Be gentle with yourself!
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Old 05-11-2011, 07:07 AM
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I wanted to add that last year, when he kicked us out, and I didn't manage to stay out(and i tried, everything I could think of and was recommended to me), when I came back. I fell into a deep depression, it took me nearly a year to come out of it. What was worse is that it seemed AH went dry jsut long enough for me to get my hopes up that this time was going to stick. Nope, it lasted 45 days, the day he came home with a case and said "see, I can stop drinking" and started cracking open cans is the day that broke me, broke me for quite awhile.
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Old 05-11-2011, 07:33 AM
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Yes, I felt so embarassed because I was feeling strong and empowered and then I gave him a chance and to speak and all of my "strength" went out the door. He is actually telling me he knows he needs help and will go to an AA meeting this week, find a counselor (we printed out therapists covered by his insurance specializing in alcohol dependency) and he will email enabling mistress by Friday and cc me to let me know its been done. But to me, I feel like he should have done all these things yesterday if he was really serious about getting his family back. He said the hardest thing is to face the consequences of his behavior and it makes him uneasy and anxious and want to drink and I guess that's the part I don't understand because I am not an addict. Maybe I'm being unreasonable and should give him time to complete what he says he's going to do? I don't know why I was so adimate that he needed to do these things yesterday. Maybe because of all he's done to me I will never have faith because of the past? I'm not a grudge holder on the outside but maybe subconsciously I want him to pay for the damage he has caused?
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Old 05-11-2011, 07:48 AM
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Honestly? I was told he would go to AA, he would stop drinking, etc. Guess what? He went to one AA meeting(said all they did there was b**** about their wives) and well, stopped for 45 days.

He will CONTINUE to cause damage. What's next, a DUI followed by several "driving while suspended" tickets? He's been arrested 3 times in the last 7 months, whereas he'd only been arrested once (and that time involved alcohol too) since he'd turned 18.

Or, will he stop supporting his wife and child, and decide to spend his money on fish tanks(7 of them! biggest 75 gallons) while his wife has to go to food pantries to feed the kids, pay the bills only when they are at risk of being shut off(and she has to BEG him to pay them).

It is a progressive disease, I was in your place years ago(see my registration date? Thing is, I really didn't start posting until last fall, but I'd been registered here for years), now I see how far he has fallen down the hole, how far he has sunk into the alcohol. And I've chosen the opposite path, I won't fall down the hole with him anymore.
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Old 05-11-2011, 07:56 AM
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But to me, I feel like he should have done all these things yesterday if he was really serious about getting his family back.
Yep, he could have, but he didnt. This makes him a little less than willing to face the consequences. Have you been feeling the pain of his addiction? Yeah, you have and it has even made you doubt yourself!

You have absolutely NO CONTROL in his choice to drink, or to get help.
It seems he has already changed his promise to drop the woman and get help to some future time. Friday? That gives him a couple of days to come up with, "See, I havent had a drink for two whole days!" And, there you are again, worried sick and feeling sad because you love someone who is incapable of loving you back.

There is nothing for you to feel shame or embarassment about. You are telling your truth, and the truth will set you free. You can do this, and if you cant do it for yourself right now, use the love of your children to hold you up till you get your bearings.

I am a recovering alcoholic with two children I had with an alcoholic/crack addict.
At the toughest times (sober but deeply in the black hole of depression), I might not think I deserved better, but I KNEW my children did. I wanted them to have a chance at life.

Please see your doctor to rule out any mood disorders, it is nearly impossible to maintain boundaries when you do not have the strength to stand up and hold your ground.

When it comes down to it, you will see that anything your Alcoholic says to you is just noise that is distracting you from your job of taking care of your children.
He is afraid of the consequences he might have to face?
It is called responsibility, fathers are responsible people who do not abuse substances to escape reality. Hmph. And blame someone or something else for choosing to continue bad behavior.

You can do this. When you need a pick up, come here and post, I will be glad to tell you what a hero you are for making it this far.

Beth
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Old 05-11-2011, 08:01 AM
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I was always second guessing myself on whether I gave AH enough time, acted considerately, etc., etc., etc. and drove myself insane.

My AH will seek recovery if and when he wants to and he will follow up what he says he is going to do if and when he wants to.

In the meantime, I don't need to listen to what he says he is going to do as it takes up too much of my brain space and makes it more difficult for me to do what I want and need to do and a lot of the time my brain is just trying to figure out what I want to do.

And yes, things could get worse than they are. My AH got a DUI two months ago, DS was in the car but than asked to be taken home and thankfully DS was not in car and no one hurt. Insurance went up though and I am in process of getting AH to separate our policies.

He got his license back. Still not in true recovery. I don't want to pay any more consequences if he gets another DUI. I believe AH is focused on me paying consequences for speaking my mind and being strong.

I hate what alcohol does to a person and I hate that there is nothing I can do to take it away from AH but I can take what it does away from me and my kids as best I can.
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Old 05-11-2011, 08:15 AM
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It's ok- it's called a relapse, honey.

Codependents have relapses, too. Just get back on what you know is the right path and keep working on your recovery...one day at a time...

Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
I've been going to therapy, Alanon, anger management, couples counseling and I make good progress and then I take steps back which make me so disappointed in myself. If I am doing all this work, why when it comes down to it, do I give in to AH?
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Old 05-11-2011, 08:40 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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Look-why would he be putting all of this off?

He obviously has not yet acknowledged in his heart that he's an alcoholic.

Until and unless he is willign to admit-not just to YOU but to himself-that he is an alcoholic, do not count on his actions being anything other than token efforts to keep you around.

Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
Yes, I felt so embarassed because I was feeling strong and empowered and then I gave him a chance and to speak and all of my "strength" went out the door. He is actually telling me he knows he needs help and will go to an AA meeting this week, find a counselor (we printed out therapists covered by his insurance specializing in alcohol dependency) and he will email enabling mistress by Friday and cc me to let me know its been done. But to me, I feel like he should have done all these things yesterday if he was really serious about getting his family back. He said the hardest thing is to face the consequences of his behavior and it makes him uneasy and anxious and want to drink and I guess that's the part I don't understand because I am not an addict. Maybe I'm being unreasonable and should give him time to complete what he says he's going to do? I don't know why I was so adimate that he needed to do these things yesterday. Maybe because of all he's done to me I will never have faith because of the past? I'm not a grudge holder on the outside but maybe subconsciously I want him to pay for the damage he has caused?
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