How to talk to my daughter

Old 04-25-2011, 02:57 PM
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How to talk to my daughter

I posted my story here earlier. I haven't been on for awhile. Life has just taken over.

Things are not better. Everyone is pretending that they are. Her abusive boyfriend finally went to prison for 15 years, so now the lying has begun.

She likes to pretend that she is fine, that she is taking care of business, but it is very sporatic. Her ex still has their little girls, thank goodness. But the days she does have them she still drinks a few of them. Last Friday she drank all night while they were there, and then couldn't get up in the morning to fix them breakfast and take care of them. She did it last week when she had them too. I went over as soon as I could get off work at noon, and was going to just take them, but she had finally crawled out of bed. The 7 year old and I had been in contact all morning, and she was panicked that I not yell at her mommy, because she would get in trouble for calling me. So I didn't say anything, just was nice and polite and took them to the Easter egg hunt we had here in town. I didn't want to give them back to her, but I knew that she would stay sober since she had tied such a big one on the night before, and I really couldn't keep them legally.

She was all chipper yesterday, pretending that she is a good mom and everything was wonderful. She thinks she got away with her friday night binge. I can't stand it. I haven't said anything to her about Friday night, but I feel like I have to. I just don't know how to go about it. She gets very defiant and angry. I can't bring anything up and she goes crazy on me, yelling and telling me that I am crazy and trying to control her. How do I go about talking to her. I know that I want to tell her that I will tell her exhusband and that if I do that he will not allow her to keep them anymore. I want to tell her that I love her, but will not stand by and let her put her girls in harms way. I don't want to threaten, I just want to state the facts. I would like to do it with love, but that is hard at this point because I am so terribly angry and scared.

She is supposed to have them for an entire week next week. It has me crazy thinking that they will not be safe or taken care of properly. When she is sober she is a good mom. But she can't seem to stay sober even the few nights she has them. What do I do? How can I get through to her before something alful happens to her children? And now her 7 year old is trying to keep peace and not get her mommy in trouble... how sad. At least she has a phone and calls me if mommy is loopy as she calls it. I am afraid if I get mad at her mom she will not call me anymore. She seems to think she is very grown up and can take care of her 4 year old sister. She has had to grow up very fast with what she has seen.

I won't even go into the lies about the bf in prison and what she is doing now. She is standing beside him and says she will wait for him to get out and he is a wonderful guy.. That they will never drink again, so therefore he will never beat her again... She can't even go 3 days without drinking...when he gets out he will eventually beat her again...and she is hanging out with another man who is a drug dealer, not a user, just a, that is what she told me like it was ok... and the police are watching him... this from a college educated beautiful young woman.. she is very far gone, from what she was 2 years ago..

I think he has her on prescription drugs now also, for her pain. But that is a whole other story.

Tell me how to go about having a conversation with her... please
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Old 04-25-2011, 03:03 PM
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From what you have posted, having a conversation with her, no matter how you go about it, will not do any good.

The children are in danger and their father should be notified. I understand this will make her angry and probably upset the children, but their safety has to come first. What an awful position to be in.

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Old 04-25-2011, 03:26 PM
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I have to agree with LaTeeDa.

The father MUST be told. She is putting her girls in grave danger. Yes, she will probably be mad at you, so .................. she has been before and will be again.

The children will be upset for a bit, but will come to understand that 'mommy is sick.'

You cannot 'help' your daughter, as much as you would like to, it just won't happen.

Instead, how about 'helping' yourself? Have you tried AlAnon, or some therapy with a counselor who specializes in addictions?

Please keep posting here and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much, and many of us have been where you are now.

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-25-2011, 03:31 PM
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Al anon can help you also in this...and i agree with the above statements...
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Old 04-25-2011, 03:51 PM
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I stopped over after work. She doesn't have the girls until wed night. I was just going to try and talk to her. But she was on her way out. Going to a school board meeting. She looked like the same wonderful woman that she used to be. She was happy, sober, and very well put together.

It's amazing that she can go from a sloppy, slurred, mean drunk, to what I saw tonight in just a few hours. It makes me so sad to see her, knowing that in a few days she will be up all night drinking by herself until she passes out at 6 in the morning. And then will take 24 hrs to get herself back.

I didn't say anything, I just told her I loved her and would visit later.

Yes, I have gone to a few al- anon meeting. I really like them, but haven't spoken up yet. It's hard to tell the story. I am afraid I will talk all night, and monopolize the conversation. That once I start I won't be able to quit. I just am not ready to even know what to say. Which part of it I am most afraid of with her. I don't know where to begin. But I will, I am going to go again this week. Maybe I will say something then, and ask for help.

I haven't been to therapy for a few weeks. It is so expensive, I can't afford $100 a week. And I don't qualify for any assistance.

Otherwise I just try to go to work and detach myself from her. But it is hard when she has my granddaughters. I do well when it is just her. But when they are there, I am a wreck wondering if they are ok.

The ex husband does know. I'm not sure why he doesn't do something. I think it is because he is overwelmed and truthfully a bit selfish. He wants every wed night and every other weekend free. I think he is in denial, and just overlooking some of it. If I speak to him, I know he will pull his head out of the sand. I would also take them those nights so he has time off. I wonder if he is waiting for me to tell him how bad it really is. I know he still loves her and doesn't want to take the girls away from her. IT's just a very hard situation. Sometimes she is so pulled together, it can fool you, until the next time..
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Old 04-25-2011, 04:04 PM
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Have you told her, when you are sober, that you feel she is endangering your grandchildren?

God that would be so frustrating. I think i'd have a "come to Jesus" talk with her AND with her ex-husband about how this situation is affecting your grandchildren and your concerns regarding their safety.

and if that didn't work, I would seriously consider calling CPS or 9-1-1 the next time she is passed out drunk with little ones in the house.
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Old 04-25-2011, 04:10 PM
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As has been said, those little girls are the most important thing in this situation. I agree that you MUST tell her ex exactly how bad it is, how the little ones call you when she's drunk, how you worry about her not taking care of them and that you do not think it is a good idea for her to have them for a week. If you want to offer to take them a few nights or on some weekends, that's up to you, but I would not worry one second about how angry she will be because that does not matter. Those little girls matter. If you don't want to listen to her after you "tell on her" then go no contact. Refuse to talk to her. Refuse to see her. Those little girls matter.
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Old 04-25-2011, 04:28 PM
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A HUGE part of why I haven't left my AH ( I am starting the divorce process now ) is bc I forsee my girls being with their AF without anyone else around to see what really happens and I am terrified of the danger he will put them in. Your grandkids have YOU as a voice for them. Whatever it takes, even if it means dealing with your ex son in law who you might rather not deal with, you need to do to protect them.

Your son in law probably doesn't know how bad it is-- if he does and is ignoring it then that's another issue-- I know that when I divorce my AH and he has the girls part time on his own I am going to be sick with worry bc there will be no other set of eyes or ears to let me know how safe, or not, my girls are.

Do whatever it takes to put those kids first. Your daughter is a lovely person I am sure. This is not about good/bad/right/wrong. It is about addiction and it's unpredictable and that =s danger for those kids.

I know lots of people on here ask me why I've stayed so long and the reason is bc of this. Being with an addict and protecting my kids day in and out did for a long time seem to be the better option than being apart and hoping that the girls would be safe when with him alone. I still don't believe the latter option is a good one but I know that the girls having at least 50% of the time in a healthy environment is better than the 0% now.
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Old 04-26-2011, 07:13 AM
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I know I got very caught up in trying to get my daughter to understand things..didn't want to drive her further down...until I realized that being the sane one was the best way to love her.By saying..NO..I will not watch while you put your children in danger, you are being a healthy role model..if/when she sobers up she will not thank you for enabling her to have those kids while using..she will wonder why everyone else looked the other way and failed to protect...the way I say it to myself is "She' using/drunk/impaired of judgement...what's MY excuse?"
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Old 04-26-2011, 09:48 AM
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Yes, I have gone to a few al- anon meeting. I really like them, but haven't spoken up yet. It's hard to tell the story. I am afraid I will talk all night, and monopolize the conversation. That once I start I won't be able to quit. I just am not ready to even know what to say. Which part of it I am most afraid of with her. I don't know where to begin. But I will, I am going to go again this week. Maybe I will say something then, and ask for help.
Believe it or not, I'm glad to read this... I'm glad to read you're going to meetings, and starting to surround yourself with others who can relate, and know what you're feeling.

I think when you find the 'whatever' to speak up, you'll find that what you say helps someone as much as it might help you to get it out.

Good for you and I'm glad you're sticking it out.

The means will come.
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Old 04-26-2011, 02:45 PM
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We are as sick as our secrets.

You knowing about her drinking, and not being able to confront her, and not telling the girls father puts you in the position of keeping a secret..which, in turn, makes you another victim of this disease called alcoholism.

Tell the girls father, you have to be their voice in this situation. It may get really ugly between you and your daughter, but, better some unpleasant moments then something tragic happening. If she is drunk, she is not fully present to watch her children, it is that simple.

Maybe this is HP's plan...for this to come out, the girls to be safe and your daughter might finally reach out and recover.

Your grandaughters are lucky to have such a loving, caring women looking out for them.
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Old 04-26-2011, 09:00 PM
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Originally Posted by rowanthe View Post
It's amazing that she can go from a sloppy, slurred, mean drunk, to what I saw tonight in just a few hours. .
I was amazed to watch my AH do exactly that and watched as the world fell for it daily and then questioned my sanity....if only they knew the truth...

Originally Posted by keepinon View Post
until I realized that being the sane one was the best way to love her.By saying..NO..I will not watch while you put your children in danger, "
Originally Posted by ANEWAUGUST View Post
We are as sick as our secrets.

Tell the girls father, you have to be their voice in this situation. It may get really ugly between you and your daughter, but, better some unpleasant moments then something tragic happening. .

I have to say this one touched a nerve.

When my son was 20 years old he married a girl with a child. They had a child together a year later. After the 2nd baby was born, I began to make frequent trips to see them about 2 hours away at the time.

My son had dabbled in some minor league drugs and drinking for a long time. I thought this would straighten him up. I could see things were not good for the children. My son was always buzzed when I saw him and the mother seemed to be joining in. I always questioned his behavior. After about 6 months of regular visits, he started putting off my calls to come see him.

After many months of this, I thought something isn't right. So I showed up on his doorstep. I was appalled with what I saw. The kids were without question in danger. My son was not my son. I held the babies a few minutes and decided this was done.

I walked out and called CPS. I waited down the road. The police came and they had a standoff in the street demanding my son to come out and him being out of his mind.

They took him to jail. Took the children away.

My son and daughter-in-law worked for a few months to get them back. I am not sure what all happened in that time.
Some time later my son called me and said please come get us, mom.

I asked what was going on with the kids. He said they had not been able to get straight enough to get them back. He had had his dad try to get custody of them and he failed whatever standards were required. His wife's parents had tried to get custody of them and they failed also to meet the standards.

He told me that morning he had awakened in a field and didn't know where he was or how he got there. His wife woke up some other place. And they had to look for each other. They were staying in some motel and I guess found their way back. He said he needs my help please come he cant do this any more.

I told him he needed to give the kids up for adoption. That we needed to make the decision that was best for the babies at this time. They were very young and we could ensure they went to people that loved them.

They agreed not because they wanted to, but because they realized at that point their lives were out of control and they didn't know what else to do. I went and got them. We called CPS and made arrangements to put the children up for adoption.

I went and brought the two of them to my home. The next few months were hell.

He found a job and was fired a few weeks later because he failed the drug test. He had ecstasy in his system.

I told him one time in this house on drugs you are gone.

It happened twice. The first time, his wife insisted he was drunk. I wanted to believe her. I let the drama go this time. The second time he was so unaware of what he was doing and was going on it freaked me out. They came home in the middle of the night. I got up to see what was going on. He grabbed hold of the neck of my shirt screaming in my face.. He was so strong I could not pull away, his wife was pulling on him. He was like a solid rock. I could not move away from him. The only way out was to come out of my shirt. So I did. I did not have on a bra. So I came out of the shirt, turned and ran as fast as I could to my room to lock him out. He was so out of it, he never even realized he was chasing his half naked mother down the hall.

I will never forget the person I saw that night. He was not my son. It was as though he were possessed.

I put him in jail that night. He spent the next 6 months there. He got clean then.

When he got out of jail, they left town and went to his dads. He didn't have much to say to me for about a year. When he did start talking he admitted to me that the day he called me to come get him, he realized he had to get them (he and his wife) clean because the drugs were going to kill them. He told me I knew you would not put up with it mom. I knew you would get us clean.

That told me he knew how much I loved him.

I had to make some awful f***** hard decisions in that few months. I stood by what I believed in. Those babies had a right to a good home and as much as I love my son, he was not a good home for them nor a good daddy at the time.

I am proud to say he stayed drug free. It's 3 years later. As a matter of fact, I sent him the Why does he do that book just the other day and he read it and has begun an internal journey to a serene life.

He has stopped smoking and drinking and agreed to go to alanon just in the last month. I am thinking this is going to link him to AA eventually. He has begun to look for activities that dont involve drinking. He's working out.

He called the other day and asked me for advice on a job situation (should he change for more money or stay and take a small raise?) He went in and negotiated on my advice and got a big raise=to what he would have gotten were he to leave. Plus a better position with a raise due again in 3 months.

I am proud of where my son is today. I told him that this morning.

However, it was not easy getting there. But I stood my ground when times were tough and he came back to me sober and clean. I thank God for that. I try to pretend it never happened.

When people ask me if I have grandkids, I simply tell them no. I don't think they would understand. And I have to admit, I dont want them to think I am a bad person for making the decisions I made.My son has forgiven me. So I guess it is time to forgive myself.

Why didn't I fight for the kids? I tried to contact CPS but was told without my son's consent I simply had no rights. I guess I could have hired a lawyer maybe. We were in two different states at the time, so I was completely lost as far as rights there.... Not to mention the fact that both his dad and her parents were all over me telling me what a pieces of sh** I was. How could I ever do such a thing?

Neither one of them (his dad, her mom) were involved in any way in their life until this happened. When I went up some months before this happened, I found my daughter in law 8 months pregnant with a third baby and none of the parents were told because my son and daughter in law were going to give that baby up for adoption as soon as it was born. And they did. When I mentioned it to the other sets of parents they acted like I was lying. Eventually the kids came clean to the other sets of parents and told them I was dead on about the whole situation, baby,drugs, all of it.... Her parents still act as though I am a demon.

Oh well.

I have never told this story publicly before. I feel relieved somehow. Less ashamed.

I did the right thing. I know I did. I would do it again in a heartbeat given the same situation. I feel sad sometimes when I think of my grandbabies. I know they are in a good home loved by someone who really wanted a baby.

I will never forget how I walked into that situation and knew instantly what I had to do. I will not let these babies suffer like this. I will not. I did what was right for those babies.
You should too.

Thanks for listening. Crystal
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