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Do I confront her about it?

Old 04-09-2011, 11:01 PM
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Do I confront her about it?

So my daughters Facebook pictures from Spring Break are up...and it's not good.

Several them where she's clearly drunk. Her and her friends holding beers in the ocean mooning the camera. Sitting in a hottub with a beer bottle between her boobs. One of her in the bathroom naked (you can't see her chest thank god) sticking her butt in a friends face while that friends got her head in the toilet. It's sickening. Pictures of her in her swimsuit with guy after guy posing on them with that stupid look on her face and her cheeks just flush red. I want to look away but I can't, but every picture I see of my daughter like this hurts and makes me feel like a terrible parent.

Anyway, my big thing is I don't know if I should confront her or not, Me and my husband told her we wouldn't do anything until after the school year when we saw her grades, but it just looks bad, right now. Should I call her and confront, or stick to my word.
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Old 04-09-2011, 11:34 PM
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Is she of drinking age?

And that must really be horrible to see photos like that. But...if she is 21 or older, these are her choices and her subsequent consequences to deal with.

However, someday you may want to mention to her that once those photos are posted on the internet, especially Facebook, they will forever live there for any and all potential future employers, boyfriends, and someday children to see. Facebook also owns those photos once they are posted on their website.

Lastly, if you gave your word, stick to it. That way, she (and you) knows your word is good, even if the evidence is smacking you upside the head.

Stay strong!
~T
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Old 04-09-2011, 11:37 PM
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She's 18 pushing 19 and a freshman in college. If you haven't read my first thread or don't know remember can you check back to it. I really don't want to explain it again.
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Old 04-09-2011, 11:43 PM
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Yikes! And no I don't remember your first post, sorry!

But she's underage...now that is a tough call. The Mom in me says pull her out of college and bring home to rehab. But I also know at her age, she doesn't have to comply. What does your intuition tell you to do? Is she just partying or is she is deeper than that? Do you have any power/leverage over this situation?
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Old 04-09-2011, 11:55 PM
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Wow! First I want to say that I'm so sorry that you had to see these pictures. That is just...sad. I know that teen's and young adults party, most of them. Usually just a weekend thing and in her case a vacation thing. BUT weekend and vacation drinking can obviously turn in to every day drinking. I would confront her personally..although since she is a legal adult there is nothing that can really be done sadly. I wish I had an answer for you. I'm so sorry you had to see that and can only imagine how mortified/sad/angry you are. ((((((Hugs)))))))
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:48 AM
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I remember your post.

I think if you and your husband made a boundary about the grades at the end of school year, then you should stick to that.

BUT...what tuffgirl says is true.And that may not be something that she really comprehends. I was in a rock band on tour for years. There are photos of me from 8 or so years ago, up on the internet. I was not half naked, I was not a mess, but I was drinking and smoking. I have a 6 year old, and one day he will see them.

My RAH dated a psycho girl on the sly, a year or so ago, before he got sober. She worked in a court house for the county.
She was an absolute mess, and she had photos like you describe up on her myspace, FB.
She lost her job over it, when one of her co workers saw it, and reported her behavior, n an attempt to get her some help. She was an officer of the court. She lost her job.

This is something that, even if you tell her she may not be able to hear, but, I think she is well within the age frame for you to still mention it to her.

She may end up blocking you, and if it becomes too painful for you, you might want to consider blocking her, so you cannot see those things.
Self preservation.

As far as her going there and overdoing it, I dont want to sound insensitive, but you and your husband let her go.

I think with the trouble she had gotten into at school, that there should have been some consequences.
She is not suffering any consequences right now.
And she is a legal adult, but she is still your child.

The harsh reality is, you and your husband may have to do some adjusting of your boundaries, some that will cause some dicomfort for her. It does not sound like she is getting any messages that her behavior is unacceptable.

I cant remember every detail, I think there was some scholarship money, or aid, but, the grades will affect that.

I would start considering an intervention of sorts, because she is still so young, but this behavior that you describe, which might be normal on spring break, is happening during the school year, on weeknights, pretty much anytime.

HOw will she get the message that her drinking and disrespecting herself like this is not going to just be able to continue with no consequences?

What can you and your husband lay down, in terms of boundaries that she will feel the effect of?
Does she have a vehcle? Is it in your or husbands name? Can you repo the vehicle?
NO matter what you do, in the present she is going to be angry and blame you. So you both might need to get past not wanting to be the bad guys.

We are all, in the lives of our alcoholics, the bad guys, until they own up and get some help, or until we step away and refuse to take that role. Its difficult in this scenario because she is still a young adult.

I feel for you.
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Old 04-10-2011, 11:14 AM
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I know first hand the legal drinking age in Florida
has been 21 since the seventies.

Did you ever check into alanon?

I hope you've realized this isn't going to 'go away'.
It's not going to resolve,
no intervention other than what you devise.

MIP will get you thrown out of the college I attend.
(minor in possession)

I asked around after your last posts.

More than drinking underage
I'm far more concerned about the LEVEL
she's taken it to so quickly.
She sounds at great risk
for alcohol poisioning -
and a room full of drunk teenagers
is not the place to be
when a major medical emergency like that comes up.

Looks like you need support even more in 3d.

I hope you've looked into that.
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Old 04-15-2011, 01:03 PM
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I guess I don't really know what alanon is can someone explain it to me better.
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Old 04-15-2011, 01:29 PM
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Here is a link to their website. Let them explain exactly what Alanon is.

Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups
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Old 04-15-2011, 02:01 PM
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I would get myself to an alanon meeting, so you can talk to others in the same boat and a sense of how to move forward in a fashion thats healthy for you as well as your daughter.

That said, if she was my daughter, I would have the conversation with her and explain that you saw her facebook posts. Note that I said conversation, not confrontation. You simply need to let her know that you are aware. And perhaps you might want to tell your daughter that you are not interested in funding her college education on her terms. She is an adult (though not of legal drinking age) - she will make her choices. You need to understand that paying/not paying for her college will not change her status as an alcholic if she is one. But paying for her college is NOT an obligation of yours even if she were pulling a 4.0 - she is an adult and you are doing that in support of her. If she wants the support, she needs to earn it, not abuse it.
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Old 04-15-2011, 02:32 PM
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You didn't Cause this. you are not a bad parent
You can't Control this. Even if she was living under your roof, you couldn't stop her.
You can't Cure this. She's old enough to know that the choices she is making will affect the rest of her life. I can only assume that if she got all these scholarships to college, that she must be relatively smart. Years down the line, if she is really just partying, she will regret it, and you don't want any resentments aimed in your direction, by helping her do it.

I went to college, so did my sister. Yes, everyone gets excited when they leave home, and does things they shouldn't be doing. It's "normal". What your daughter is doing is not normal, I don't care what anyone says.

As an adult, she deserves the dignity to live her life as she pleases. But nothing says you have to help her in any way, even if it isn't a financial burden to do so.

Personally, I would call the authorities, the ones that have been calling you so much about her behavior, and let them know that the next time it happens not to call you, just kick her out of school. Wash your hands of it. I can't believe she hasn't been thrown out already.

Definitely Alanon. No matter what happens from here on out, you will definitely use what you can learn there. And I would also recommend Alateen for her siblings, if they are truly affected by what she is doing.

Where is she getting the money for all this booze, and spring break trips? If you have anything to do with that, you might want to reconsider financial support of any kind right now. Even sending her money for a car payment (example) may end up going towards something else. I believe the term is "cutting her off". Completely. Otherwise it's just enabling. I understand she is your daughter, but I have to agree with Eddie, if she wants your support she needs to earn it.

Good luck to you, keep us posted on how you're doing~
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Old 04-15-2011, 02:50 PM
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If my daughter is getting drunk and dangerous on money I'm giving her, I'm going to stop giving her money - not even a dime. If I gave her a car for college I'm going to take the car back.

If her grades are not up by the end of the semester (which was your agreement), I would not be paying for any more tuition/books either. I'm assuming tuition room and board have all been paid for already for this semester.

She can figure out how to pay up front or get loans next semester. If you are so inclined you can reimburse her that money - after the good grades are in.

ETA: I was once a drunk and dangerous daughter, and yes - my parents quit giving me money. I wasn't even mad at them. They paid for 4 semesters of college but my grades were fine.

Instead of feeling like the bad guy, or like you are giving up on her, re-frame it. You are being a parent helping her learn the skills that she is going to need for a successful life. That is the ultimate goal of parenting even if it isn't warm and fuzzy in the short term. That is the plus side if she is NOT an alcoholic. If she is an alcoholic it is more complicated but you may be saving her life by ending the enabling as early as possible.
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Old 04-15-2011, 04:46 PM
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Lots of great advice here--I can't think of a thing to add.

Except to add my own urging to get yourself to Al-Anon. You might also do well to educate yourself a bit about alcoholism. There is a very good book called "Under the Influence," excerpts of which can be found here. I also recommend the AA Big Book, an online version of which is here.
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Old 04-15-2011, 06:29 PM
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I remember your posts..I am the mom of an 19 recovering alcoholic/addict...your daughter has had many consequences and run ins with the law and school and doesn''t seem to be slowing down at all..personally I waited too long to really get how deep in my daughter was..I say go to alanon for sure..but you are FINANCING this lifestyle she is living, correct?Waiting till the end of school is not going to do anything about her drinking..say her grades are decent.. are you willing to pay for while she self destructs?I decided that I would not contribute in any way to my daughters addiction..she fell real hard real fast and THAT is what got her sober..she could've gone on much longer had we paid for housing,school,etc.just my experience..
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Old 04-15-2011, 07:11 PM
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Yes young people do stuff like this, I did my share of dumb things. Looking back some of those dumb things were downright dangerous. Not to mention she is under drinking age.

You have every right TO be direct and tell her that if she choses to engage in risky, unsupervised behaviors then you will withhold funds until she gets back on track.

College age kids do die from drinking because at that age they don't understand risks, even without an alcohol problem (peer pressure for example). You have every right to be concerned and to speak up.

As a mom I'd be swift, concise and clear about what is and isn't acceptable. And posting it on the internet could backfire if she goes to look for a job after graduation. More and more employers are looking up people's profiles. Not saying it is right but it is done.

At that age they truly do not see how what they do now can affect their future. That 'invincibility' phase they have is considered a stage of development in kids (late teen years - early 20s) so pointing things out to her would be a great idea. If it were my daughter, I'd do it.
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Old 04-15-2011, 09:22 PM
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Even if you cut her off financially she will continue to find money to drink if she is an alcoholic. She has had repeated negative consequences due to drinking yet continues. It sounds like it's more than just a "party" phase. She may have a real problem.
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Old 04-16-2011, 02:19 AM
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I agree dead on with the whole you are financing this behavior.

Explain to her you saw what you did. And that this is not what you are paying for. Give her a months notice she is on her own. She needs to have a job and pay a percentage of what you deem as reasonable.

Reasonable in the real world. Not mommy and daddy love baby world. Hold her accountable for her own.

My daughter is 19. She has been in some real sh*t. Though, I think we are turning the titanic around, slowly. very slowly.

It is through accountability. She pays for half of everything.

She works overnight 10 p- 7am. Then goes to school 12:30-5pm . So what little free time she has, she is pretty worn out. I think it keeps her out of most trouble. But she still manages to be ridiculous some.

I had to stand my ground pretty hard, however. I told her flat out. You want your own life to do your own way, then get out and go pay for it yourself. I am not helping in anyway. I backed that up with action.

As time has gone by and she stays out of trouble, I have been able to soften a bit. I am very cautious, however, to always withdraw that if she begins to get out of line again.

I have seen some pics on facebook to that I insisted my daughter remove or lose access to the computer that I bought. I explained the whole rest of your life thing. she doesn't get it,nor does she care at this point.

I really think an intervention/confrontation thing is out of line because she is age of majority. Besides which, she is going to fight you tooth and nail. I think it is a control issue. You need to let go of mommy control and let her suffer the consequences of the real world way. Pay your own way, girlfriend.
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Old 04-16-2011, 05:42 AM
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Incidentally, just in case you think she is much too young to be an alcoholic,

I met my first husband in college when he was 18 and I was 20. He was a full-blown alcoholic at that time. He drank constantly, and did incredibly self-destructive things while drinking.

His own mom cut off support, and he quit college after two years (same time I graduated). We continued to date, and when *I* got fed up enough with his continued drinking that I took a break from the relationship, he went to AA, got sober, and has proceeded to have a great life for the past 31 years.

So he was an alcoholic at 18 (probably earlier than that), and sober at 21. I credit a lot to a co-worker of mine who gave me the AA Big Book to give to him. We went to one meeting, after which he needed to do some more drinking to be convinced, but once I was gone, too, he decided he didn't want to keep living that way anymore. Don't know what would have happened if his mom and I had continued to enable him.
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Old 04-16-2011, 06:07 AM
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I remember and I was wondering how spring break would turn out. If I didn't share this with you before I'll do it now. It's from the "best of" section and it's an exact road map of what to do. I followed each suggestion as though my sanity depended on it and I can't tell you how much it has helped me. Good luck.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2051022
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Old 04-16-2011, 10:40 AM
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Jazzman.. that is a GREAT link..I too, follewd those things exactly and my daughter now has almost 7 mo. sober at age 19..I refused to love her into her grave or support her addiction in any way..God bless Alanon! and the a$%kickers on this site.
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