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Should I have let him stay?

Old 04-17-2011, 08:31 PM
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Should I have let him stay?

So ah called tonight (we do not live together) and was feeling sick and wanted to know if he could come stay the night at my house. He is staying with friends (has been for around 2 months) and apparently they will not let him rest. I told him no and if he felt that bad maybe he could stay at his moms. He ended up getting super mad and hanging up on me. Now I feel bad like I was being unreasonable. He would be staying the extra bedroom but I just don't feel like I can handle him being here. He has quit drinking but he used to be such a nasty drunk that I am definitely not ready for him to be back in our home. It just brings back some painful memories. I am trying to get this off my mind and move on.

We are trying to work things out by living apart and one of my rules is that we will not live together or (stay the night together) but now I feel like I should have bended the rules for this. I feel like crap now. I don't know - I know he is sick and it would have been one night. I am just afraid it would turn in to 2 or m more. I am thinking that he should be asking his mom instead of me.
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Old 04-17-2011, 08:40 PM
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Good for you for sticking to your guns not having a comfy place to sleep is a consequence of his addiction..let him feel the consequences of his choices..and your kids and you desreve a serene home, so way to go..
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Old 04-17-2011, 08:44 PM
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im a newbie -------but if you have made it two months you are super strong!!dont let him weasel his way back in. also as a mother i think it would be very confusing to the children to have him back in the home. maybe the false hope that everything is better and you will be a family again. ( idont know your childrens ages though) stay strong this is coming from someone teetering on the verge of caving but SR is helping........good luck
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Old 04-17-2011, 08:49 PM
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Originally Posted by drowninginair View Post
im a newbie -------but if you have made it two months you are super strong!!dont let him weasel his way back in. also as a mother i think it would be very confusing to the children to have him back in the home. maybe the false hope that everything is better and you will be a family again. ( idont know your childrens ages though) stay strong this is coming from someone teetering on the verge of caving but SR is helping........good luck
Our kids are 4 and 12. I don't think it would be confusing for our 12 year old because she would understand. Our 4 year - that would be confusing.

Thanks for the replies. I knew I did the right thing. The obsessing and me feeling bad for him was short lived and has passed.
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Old 04-17-2011, 08:50 PM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
He became abusive when you said no, so poor baby canít be feeling that bad.
Ha! I do think he is feeling bad. Obviously not bad enough to call his mom to see if he could stay there though.
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Old 04-17-2011, 08:52 PM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
He became abusive when you said no, so poor baby canít be feeling that bad.
There it is.
That's what we so often miss seeing, or are trained to take it, us codies.
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Old 04-17-2011, 09:32 PM
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Originally Posted by brokenheartfool View Post
There it is.
That's what we so often miss seeing, or are trained to take it, us codies.
Yes I know. When I told him no he said "why don't we just end it since you cannot stand to be around me". I said OK if that is how you want it. He then backed down after that but I could tell he was still mad.
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Old 04-17-2011, 09:44 PM
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He was pushing your boundary, testing you. Good for you for sticking to it. Not feeling well and blaming his roommates for not being able to rest was manipulation, hoping you would feel sorry for him. The minute you bend, even just a little, you're opening the door to being walked on. Like you said, he couldn't have been that bad, since you are the only one he called.

Feeling bad for it, now that I can definitely understand. It's a codie trait that I have as well, feeling responsible for others when they aren't happy or comfortable. It's my job to make everything all better, right? Next thing you know, he hasn't left the couch in a week, my refrigerator is empty, and there's no hot water for my shower... and i'm like "how the hell did this happen? It was just supposed to be one night?"

Well done on keeping those boundaries tight and secure. Once you budge on one of them, the rest are fair game.
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