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Feeling bad for AH

Old 03-29-2011, 05:36 PM
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Feeling bad for AH

I'm feeling better than I have in years; not happy and thrilled with life as it is, but at peace, a sense of serenity that I've literally never felt, a feeling of "hey, it's time to focus JUST on me and my kids and I'm allowed to do that"...

All of that said, I found myself today, feeling bad for AH. He hasn't been in touch a ton (though we do have dinner with the girls together most nights for their sake) but today he emailed a few times and wasn't overly sucking up, but was just nice. There haven't been any accusations, obnoxiousness, projections etc... for a few days and I've put my foot down and called him on some stuff he's said since the weekend and he's taken it surprisingly well.

So, tonight sitting here at home, knowing he's staying in a miserable place (I know, I know, it's his doing and he could find somewhere else if he wanted to badly enough) I feel kind of bad for him and found myself tempted to call and offer that he could sleep on the couch until he finds a more permanent solution.

I am not calling or rather, I have not called and don't plan to. But I'm feeling that codependent voice (I call it caring but I think it's not healthy probably) and am trying to fight it.

He is currently living at his job. He could be fired bc of this but still isn't willing to talk to someone at AA about staying with them, my mom has offered he could stay at her house, he could ask friends at work, he could ask his family for money so he could get a room for rent... But he doesn't want to let anyone know that we are separated is my guess and so he's staying at work. I feel guilty that I have the nice comfy house and he's miserable.

He can not pay to stay somewhere bc we have no extra money at all and with my job just getting cut every penny counts. I had been staying at my moms with the girls and he told me to come home with them and he'd go elsewhere but now I feel like I should go back to my moms so that he has a place to stay.

I don't know where the codependent line begins or ends and where being courteous and accomodating fits in here... Should I go back to my moms with the girls so he has a place to stay? Should I let him stay on the couch so that a) he doesn't risk getting fired? This is one of those situations where I shouldn't do for him what he can do for himself BUT at the same time, the actions he's taking (staying at his workplace) have the potential to seriously impact his kids and I and so I wonder where I should or if I should step in.

I'm confused I guess.

For my entire life I've been abnormally obsessed with worrying about others' feelings and trying to solve problems for others that I really don't know where normal begins and codependent begins...

Any advice/thoughts is appreciated!
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Old 03-29-2011, 05:45 PM
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There is nothing wrong about caring. Caring is a natural human emotion. But please, do not call and offer him your couch. It would just be opening up that whole can of worms again. It's good that he's not accusing or berating you (today), so just be thankful for that. Allow things to progress however they are going to. If you toss that bone to him now, there is no telling where it will lead.

He is a grown man and is perfectly able to find a place to stay. You said offers had been made but he still stays at his job. Bad decision on his part since it could cost him his job. It just shows that he is still not making good decisions and that is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility.

Also don't forget, your girls were scared at your mom's house. They do not deserve to have to live being afraid at night.
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Old 03-29-2011, 05:52 PM
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There is nothing wrong about caring.
Caring is a natural human emotion. But please, do not call and offer him your couch.
Thanks for confirming for me what I guess I already knew!

If you toss that bone to him now, there is no telling where it will lead.
You're absolutely right. Thanks! Thank God for this board-- this is why I posted-- I needed to be reminded that my knee jerk inclinations aren't good for me...

He is a grown man and is perfectly able to find a place to stay. You said offers had been made but he still stays at his job. Bad decision on his part since it could cost him his job. It just shows that he is still not making good decisions and that is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility.
I can definitely see how he is still sitting around waiting for things to happen to him instead of taking action... my worry is that his sitting around waiting is going to hurt the girls and I if he gets fired.... I don't want to help him problem solve but I also don't want him to get fired bc of what that will mean for our kids... I feel between a rock and a hard place a bit....

Also don't forget, your girls were scared at your mom's house. They do not deserve to have to live being afraid at night.
No I haven't forgotten and thanks for putting this in black and white in front of me... I guess I was thinking about his feelings/needs before those of the girls and my own and even though it feels foreign and I feel bad for him, I guess what I am doing is healthy and I will stay the course.

I offered that he could stay here some nights and I'd go to my moms but honestly, I don't feel confident about leaving him alone, overnight with the girls. I don't trust that he is not drinking and the thought of him drinking being here alone with the girls is not something I am or ever will be okay with again...
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Old 03-29-2011, 05:56 PM
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Have you survived being miserable? So can he.

He has the CHOICE to ask to stay with a friend, but he is CHOOSING not to take it. That doesn't make it YOUR problem.

You have children, you need to be in the house. He does not.

Look at it this way. Those creeping, obsessive thoughts are not that different from what alcoholics experience when they want a drink. Most alcoholics who pick up a drink in early recovery do it to shut off that damn VOICE in their head telling them they need one, they deserve one, one won't hurt, c'mon you can start again tomorrow.

You are experiencing the SAME THING. You have the same choice anyone has--give in or don't give in.
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Old 03-29-2011, 05:59 PM
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If he gets fired, you and the girls will survive. It might not be easy, but there are services available that can help you. I don't remember if you work or are able to work, but that could be an option. There is always a way. Many, many people manage it every day and you can, too. He could get fired for reasons other than sleeping at work and you would be in the same position. It's not worth it to make bad decisions now for fear of something that may not even happen.
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Old 03-29-2011, 06:00 PM
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Smile

I find myself making excuses quite often as well. I guess that is why we are the codependents that we are. It doesnt make the concern any less knowing this though. Every few weeks, when things seem to be looking up for my husbands addiction there is a downfall.im still trying to differentiate it all as well. Sleep well tonight, I've been told that it is one day at a time for us too. You made it through another day and so did he.
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Old 03-29-2011, 06:05 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
If he gets fired, you and the girls will survive. It might not be easy, but there are services available that can help you. I don't remember if you work or are able to work, but that could be an option. There is always a way. Many, many people manage it every day and you can, too. He could get fired for reasons other than sleeping at work and you would be in the same position. It's not worth it to make bad decisions now for fear of something that may not even happen.
I do work full time, yes. I am a teacher and our illustrious Gov just made sweeping budget proposal cuts to education which resulted in me getting pink slipped for next year...

So... I guess right now I am hoping he might manage to hold on to his job (and it's already at risk bc he is going on trial- State pressing charges- for assaulting me...). This sleeping at work thing is just insane-- it's like his drinking at work (after work hours). He knew it could get him fired but did it for years anyway. I guess he thinks he's above the law or is too smart to get caught...

You're right- if he gets fired we'll survive-- it just seems like a waste that he is risking his KIDS stability bc he wants to protect his image and not admit that there are problems... He is happy to talk about problems when we were living together bc he could make it all my fault, but being separated it makes it a lot harder to admit there is trouble I guess...

Who knows... I guess I need to get my head in a better place.... I'm going to work on that right now!
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Old 03-29-2011, 09:10 PM
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Right there with ya! Feeling guilty that he is at his mom's while I am here in the house. It hasn't been very long, over a week and Lexie said it well, That dang codie voice.

It's not easy, but I think the one thing that keeps me going is the kids...its all for the welfare of the kids. repeat repeat repeat. I am truely amazed at the support I recieve from everyone... hang in there!
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Old 03-30-2011, 08:25 AM
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One nugget I wrote down from this board is this:

Pity is just an emotion. You don't have to ACT on it. In fact, you shouldn't. You should act from your facts and logic. Pity is just an emotion. Feel it all you want, but do anything based on it. Same with fear.

That really helps me when I am feeling sorry for the very person who has put me and my children in this situation due to his selfishness.
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Old 03-30-2011, 08:38 AM
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I need to thank for this board.... My original response was going to be
"I would offer him the couch, until he finds something more perm."

Now I read the responses and realize this is why I am in the position I am in.
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Old 03-30-2011, 09:05 AM
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You cannot prevent him losing his job--he's an alcoholic. He WILL lose his job eventually, that's a damn near guaranteed fact. Whether it's because he's sleeping there, his court case, drinking on the job, or something else, alcoholics generally lose jobs. It's part of the alcoholism. (I know there are exceptions, but not many.)

So, rather than trying to rescue him from his poor decisions, I would suggest putting all your energy into finding another way to support yourself and your children. Because, no matter what you do, it's unlikely you will be able to count on him for financial support. He's an alcoholic.......

L
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