Im new here

Old 03-29-2011, 02:49 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Im new here

Hey, Ive been looking through posts for a few days now but havent had the courage to post myself.
Ive been with my ABF for 5 years, I do love him but i feel like hes killing the love i have for him. Over the years ive noticed that his drinking has become worse and that he is more verbally abusive towards me while drunk. He never use to shout at me or say such nasty things to me in the beginning of our relationship. I not sure if he means what hes saying when hes drunk, is it how he really feels or thinks of me? He has actually started to threatened to hit me while drunk but when hes sober he said he would never hurt me. He has said that hes going to quit but hes said it that many times that i dont know if hes serious. I feel like i cant deal with the situation anymore. Im so close to ending the relationship because of how he acts when hes drunk. When hes sober he affectionate, warm and caring towards me, But when hes drunk hes the total opposite.
I feel bad for giving up on him but i feel if i carry on i will crack under the stress.
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Old 03-29-2011, 03:36 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

You are not alone.
We understand what it feels like to have a loved one change from someone we appreciate to someone we don't understand because of addiction.

Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse.

Your ABF sounds as if his alcoholism is progressing. Based on your post, he says one thing and does another. He says he will quit, but he has not made any effort to stop.

He also says while sober that he will not hit you. Based on your experiences with him, can you trust his words?

I learned that while living with alcoholism, I had to stop listening to the words and start looking at the actions of my alcoholic.

I am concerned for your safety.

Please keep reading and posting. We care about you!
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Old 03-29-2011, 04:10 AM
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Welcome to SR, BrokenFlowers.

Your BF sounds very much like my now-ex-husband and I empathize with the confusion you feel. Mine was very verbally abusive when drinking -- it was like he would turn into a monster that I didn't recognize. The next day he'd be apologetic, bring flowers, etc. and expect that all was forgiven. He never understood the depth of the wounds he inflicted.

Eventually, he did become physically abusive -- pushing and shoving -- but one time I ended up on the floor with him on top of me and his hands around my throat strangling me.

Long story short -- he never did stop drinking. We had two children together who are deeply affected by it, too. In spite of all he has lost, to this day (30 yrs later) he CONTINUES to deny he has a drinking problem or that it is the cause of any trouble in his life.

My question for you is simple: Are you willing to live like this forever? Are you willing to stand by him at the expense of your own sense of self? Are you willing to accept him just as he is?
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Old 03-29-2011, 05:41 AM
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Welcome, glad you've joined us!

Alcoholism and abuse don't get better with time--they both get worse, unless the alcoholic/abuser is serious about recovering and do a lot of work. It doesn't sound like he's ready to do that. He might NEVER be ready to do that.

My suggestion is that you contact your local domestic violence hotline and get some suggestions for safety planning. If he threatens you, call the police and apply for a restraining order. The abuse is a bigger threat to your well-being than his drinking. The alcohol isn't what MAKES someone abusive--it just allows that side to come out.

If you are already thinking about leaving, start making some plans to do that.
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Old 03-29-2011, 06:29 AM
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Hi Broken,
Welcome to SR and glad you are getting some help for yourself.
Often people come to get help for the addict. Part of the damage done by being with these people is that one forgets themselves.
I would listen to his threats, drunk or sober.
TJP above demonstrates this. The abuse escalates. It can be dangerous. One cannot only concentrate on the sober part. The drunk part is very real and where the harm lies. Even the sober times are no good in these relationships as one cannot relax. The big "blowup" is always just a drink away.

Please consider getting out of this relationship. Please read from here and listen to those who have gone before you. I have not had personal experience of this, but I truly feel so sorry for you and others in this situation. You deserve happiness and to be treated well. Please give yourself that. You have the power, take it back!
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Old 03-29-2011, 06:51 AM
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Just as alcoholism progresses from bad to worse, so does abuse. The next step after a threat to physically abuse you comes the actual physical violence. Drinking and abuse do not have to go hand in hand and it is not an excuse. Watch out for the trap of thinking and waiting for him to stop drinking for good then everything will be fine. Call a DV hotline and get more information so you can learn about abuse patterns and how to protect yourself.
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Old 03-29-2011, 07:03 AM
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Just like what the others said , it only gets worse. If you FEEL this is not a good situation, then it's not.

My XABF of 4 years was exactly the same, so sweet and would never hurt a fly when sober. When we first met, even while drunk still nothing, just a lil mouthy. But over 4 years, it went from a little mouthy, to him hitting me in the back of the head WHILE I WAS WALKING AWAY from him, holding our son. Thats what ended us, don't let it get that far for you. It is so sad to see someone you think you know and love turn into a monster, someone you don't know at all, and are scared of. This is a battle you will NEVER win, it is not yours to fight. Don't feel bad for giving up him, there is nothing you can do for him in the first place, it is his addiction.

So confusing and heartbreaking, we all know how you feel.
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Old 03-29-2011, 07:22 AM
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Glad you found the courage to post and welcome! Like everyone said, alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse.

What I’ve learned is, it’s not very important to analyze what he says while intoxicated, we can drive ourselves crazy…….it truly is all about his actions and how those actions are progressing in a negative way towards you.

Your inner voice is talking to you, it helped you come here and you really need to listen hard to it. Your gut is telling you that you need to get out and that you can’t deal with the situation anymore and you are witnessing his behavior while intoxicated escalate towards threats of violence…’s kind of like playing on the railroad tracks, your pretty sure a train is going to come yet you need to almost get hit first before you finally jump off them.

Have you given any thought to attend al-anon for yourself? What about counseling to help you break away and work on your codependency?

Hope you stick around, this is a great place with wonderful people who’ve been there done that!!!
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Old 03-29-2011, 08:54 PM
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You have to evaluate people based on the "whole package." You shouldn't cling to the good things while ignoring all of the bad -- that is denial. You deserve to be treated with respect at all times.
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Old 03-30-2011, 05:18 PM
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Hi, Just want to say thankyou for all your replys and advice given. It has made me open my eyes more to everything that i have been dealing with.

@ Pelican: I want to trust him that he would never hurt me but over the last 6 months when hes shouting at me while drunk he has this look in his face that makes me believe he wants to hurt me. i can honestly say that when he drinks I dont know who he is anymore. Hes not the same person while drunk and i dont trust him around me.

@ tjp613: My ABF is all sorry the next day after hes been horrible to me. Dont think he understands the stress hes putting me through. He tells me he loves me and expects me to forgive and forget. He does admit he has a drinking problem which he throws in my face if i say anything to him about his drinking. The answear to all three of your questions is no. I need to start thinking of me and help myself get better.

@ LexieCat: I have noticed that both his drinking and the verbal abuse have got worse over a period of time. I never knew that alcoholics kept getting worse without help to stop. I am seriously considering getting out of this relationship. Just hoping he doesnt go mental when i do break up with him.

@ Hollyanne: Thats how ive started feeling that i can never relax, i feel like im watching what i say or do around him incase i set him off. Even when sober i know it wont be long before he gets another drink.

@ Cat123: I think thats what i have been doing. Just waiting for to stop drinking and be the person i met all those years ago.

@ kmkluvr1: I know i should go before he gets worse and actually trys to hurt me, I just need to find the strengh to get out while i can
@ atalose: Its been driving me mad the stuff he says to me while drunk as ive always believed that people where trueful if they were drunk, so its nice to know just to not listen to what he says and take it to heart. Ive never heard of al-anon before, ive heard other people mention it on here so i will look it up and see what its about.

@ tigerlilly4: I do feel like its not much to ask for to be treated with respect, I would never treat my ABF the way hes treated me even through hes told me that im horrible to him and all i do is moan constantly which i dont.
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Old 03-30-2011, 05:23 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
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Definately get in touch with a domestic violence agency or support group. They are a great resource on how to educate and protect yourself. Even if he never lays a hand on you, what he already doing is abuse and it does escalate.

Also living with the fear that he may hit you is abuse as well. That is a very stressful way to live

Glad you are reaching out. Stay strong!
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Old 03-30-2011, 06:26 PM
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good words, all above. I suggest really listening to what they are saying.

When one of these alcoholics responds suddenly, and permanently to one of us asking him nicely, it will be the first time.

You are not bound to this person by anything other than you choice to stay. There is no commitment on either end.

Based on my living with one for 20+ years, I can assure you they don't get better. They get worse. Much worse. And I wouldn't wish the experience on anyone.

I am a man of few regrets in this life, and I regret not leaving at the first hint of what my alcoholic does. The difference is, back then I didn't have the collective wisdom of hundreds of years living with these people. The same collective wisdom that is here, and giving you the benefit from the school of hard knocks. Search around for the post on here explaining how their alcoholic magically found sobriety and everyone lived happily ever after. I haven't seen it.

You have a choice. Stay, or leave. Staying is easier now, but harder for the rest of your life. Leaving is harder now, but easier for the rest of your life.

Choose wisely.
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