Can you lose something that you never had?

Old 02-28-2011, 12:08 PM
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Can you lose something that you never had?

I have been feeling.........I don't know.........down, I guess. It has been such a relief to have XAH gone. He didn't bring up the meet and greet with the new GF again, so I dodged that bullet. When he came by to see the kids this weekend he looked terrible. He only stayed for about an hour, and of course, the kids cried when he was leaving and he gave me the "see what YOU have done" quacking. Ugg. I just tried to make the rest of the day special for the girls-doing fun things and just being together. Guess I will keep having "fun" days after dad leaves from visiting.

Someone mention the song "Fix You" by Coldplay on another thread recently. I took a listen (wish I wouldn't have) but the line that got me was "when you've lost something that you can't replace", I think about that and the tears just start coming. I don't think that it's me missing him so much as the grief of not having a loving and stable partner for myself or the same in a dad for my girls. I guess I have never had this........he was really never either. But now thinking about it, even never having had it, I feel like I have lost that in my life! It's completely depressing and I am not sure how to deal with the emotions that are creeping up. Have any of you felt this? Again, I really don't feel like I have lost HIM, but lost what was supposed to have been.........I hope when I re read this that it makes some bit of sense.
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Old 02-28-2011, 12:23 PM
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Yeah makes perfect sense My.

I know its hard bc ive been there myself but it was my own doing, i messed up what was meant to be.
You are only feeling what every normal person would, but poss' creating a habit of focusing on that aspect too much, especially with listening to tunes by Cold Play, but you already know that so you can fix that one.
Im not a big one on this stuff, but i read your post and felt like saying something.
Its just a natural part of a break up and it'll pass, so you just have to look forward for your family now and make things happen when you need to.

Best wishes S :-)
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Old 02-28-2011, 12:29 PM
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I remember feeling that way, while still married to XAH. It was literally mourning the dream, and coming to the awful realization that I never did have a supportive partner and loving father for our child. I was almost solo parenting but with the added bonus of an extra demanding child in a grown man's body.

Eventually I came to the realization that I could make a wonderful life for myself and for my daughter, without that "perfect partner" I imagined I had.
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Old 02-28-2011, 12:48 PM
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Yes, I'm feeling that right now too. AH and I have decided to divorce, no turning back.

I still mourn the loss of all these yrs (18) unsure if I was ever really loved.

I'm sad that I don't have a partner to grow old with either.
I'm sad that I don't have someone by my side in case I get sick.
I'm sad that I don't have someone to love me.

I know he could never carry out any of the above, but I always had hope that things would change. Loosing my dream or potential has been the hardest part of all this.

Like you, I never really lost him. There wasn't much of a person to lose. I lost lots financially, but he wasn't an active partner in my life in anyway. I lost the dream too. I think it's hard to let go of hope.
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Old 02-28-2011, 12:52 PM
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I have been feeling that grief over the same issue. My AH wasn't capable of being that steady, devoted, loyal, helpful, "soft place to fall" kind of husband and I grieve the loss of what never was, and all the years I spent chasing it.

I'm particularly in the depths of it lately. The good news is that now, untied from him, I have the opportunity to find it in another relationship, which I never did while I was still looking for it in him.

And in case the idea of looking for those qualities in a mate is futile (for all I know) and codependent, I know that I am there for myself in the ways I wanted him to be. It just takes some shoring up of my own strength.
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Old 02-28-2011, 12:52 PM
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In answer to the thread title, yes.
Because we had dreams that we did have it, or would have it, if only xyz happens.
We're not mourning the loss, we're mourning the loss of the dream, and the loss of ourselves in pursuit of the dream-that-can't-be.

It is hard to accept reality instead of a dream-that-can't-be, and the more unreasonable the dream, the harder to replace it with the reality of the situation.

I am working on replacing my dreams-that-can't-be with good, healthy dreams that should be. (Not the "should-have-beens" but the "I-want-to-accomplish-this" kind.) It is helping... But it is still painful.
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