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Changing is hard for others?!

Old 02-25-2011, 10:47 AM
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Changing is hard for others?!

Well, I had my first experience with push back on redefining boundaries...only not with my A...with my family. I have a lousy relationship with my sister. As I work on Step 4, I am amazed at how responsibility I have taken that really belongs to her. She's the baby, and my parents treat her as such - even though she is in her mid 30's! (Can anyone say enablers?!) No wonder I have resentment toward her. I feel used and taken advantage of!

I have come to the realization that I have also been guilty of this - doing things for her that she is perfectly capable of doing for herself. Last night I stopped that and set a firm boundary with my Mother to stop volunteering me - for anything, mainly as a babysitter to her kids - even though what was volunteered was being perceived to be a crisis. She has a husband and can manage herself, I am not needed in this whatsoever. My Mom got very upset. I stated, "I know she is your daughter and I respect how that feels as a Mother myself, but I will no longer be available to participate in her drama, no matter how much of an "emergency" you both may perceive it to be". Wow - that didn't go over well at all for Mom. She's still po'd this morning. I don't care, and that feels great for me.

Am I to expect the same push back with others as I redefine boundaries and let go of a lot of my codie stuff?

This is my first run-in (that wasn't with or about my A) and although I feel good about it, I am still bothered by the drama is created on my end, and a little po'd right back at my Mom.
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Old 02-25-2011, 10:58 AM
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My parents are pushy, and keep expecting me to do things because they want me to, whether or not I actually want to do them or feel that I should. They've always wanted me to be exactly who they wanted me to be - especially my mother.

I know they mean well, so I do not hold it against them, but I also recognize that this means I need to limit my contact with them to a point where I feel comfortable. (I also recognize that it is okay to be angry with her behavior when something happens, as long as I deal with it in a healthy manner - it is not good to keep things bottled up inside.)

I went about two years talking to them as infrequently as possible, and I think that time made them realize that if they do not allow me to be me around them, then I just won't be around them - hmm, imagine that? So while they are still pushy, they are less pushy than usual, and if I put my foot down about something, they back off now.

Their motives, I am sure, have more to do with not alienating me completely rather than with allowing me to live my own life, but at this point how they treat me is more important than the "why," and for the first time I can talk to them upon occasion and yet still have my peace and quiet.
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Old 02-25-2011, 11:07 AM
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Am I to expect the same push back with others as I redefine boundaries and let go of a lot of my codie stuff?

Maybe...
I work in a park for the concession. I used to work for the government. A person I used to work with for the gov't sent me a movie we play for the public which had recently been captioned. She wanted to know if it was captioned well enough.
As I began to watch the movie and feel frustrated that I had to spend my time on this, I realized that frustrated feeling was me not setting a boundary!
WOOHOO!
Although I play the movie and although I worked with Deaf people in the park, it is not my job to review her captioning.
I sent it back saying as much.
She was super friendly and fine with it! HOORAY!

So, sometimes people just need the boundary set because they can't see it for themselves.

And I got a great lesson: frustrated feeling = insert boundary here!

peace
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Old 02-25-2011, 11:09 AM
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You rock

Somebody else here once said, when people pleasers stop people pleasing, people are not pleased.

Well done! If they don't push back, you might not be doing it right.

Rock on!
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Old 02-25-2011, 11:11 AM
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good for you! Yes, you mother is p.o.'ed and yes, she'll get over it. She's a grown woman. She, like the A in your life, was used to you playing a certain role. Now that you have redefined certain aspects of that role, she's angry, perhaps because she feels a loss of control over you, or a loss of support in her efforts to enable your sister. Whatever it may be, it's entirely her business and none of yours.

Doesn't it feel nice?
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Old 02-25-2011, 12:32 PM
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same planet...different world
 
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In a word ... yep.

lol

Cyranoak - I'm *so* stealing tha t
and putting it on the

'frigerator door oracle of wisdom'

for a week!

Under the SPECIAL magnets to boot!
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Old 02-25-2011, 02:44 PM
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Smile Lightbulb moments are the best!

Thanks, all, for the affirmations that this is a normal phenomenon. Cyranoak - your pearls of wisdom are brilliant, again. Like barb, am putting that line somewhere close by to remind myself of this.

I guess I am surprised at how good it feels to realize what a darn people-pleaser I am and how much I resent it and how nice it is to let that go, while at the same time grappling with a real sense of responsibility - like I should be doing these things and if I don't, it makes me a bad person somehow. And how warped that sounds to write it it out in black and white.

Yeesh - no wonder my life has become unmanageable...its not because of my RAH and his issues...its because I let it get this way by my own stinkin thinkin!

I've come to realize that part of my 'inventory' is letting go of the old attitudes, behaviors, AND people that no longer work for me. Afraid that means my sister has got to go! At least until she decides to grow up.

Happy Friday, all! So glad its the weekend...
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Old 02-25-2011, 02:57 PM
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I stole it too, I just can't remember who said it. But, like I've said before, the power in these things is in sharing them. So thanks to whomever said it first, thanks to who said it to me, and thanks to those of you that will share it with others.

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Old 02-25-2011, 10:48 PM
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Am I to expect the same push back with others as I redefine boundaries and let go of a lot of my codie stuff?
Yes. *sigh*
I find it incredibly hard and frustrating and disappointing, but also empowering.
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Old 02-26-2011, 07:57 AM
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Good for you setting boundaries!
I am the one sober person to come out of generations of alchohlics. And my mom,(the functioning A) did everything for everyone. Her life was sucked dry. And when she died the family expected I would fill her shoes. When I told them I wouldn't, I never heard from any of my family again.

And when I told my brother to stop trying to run my life, he stopped talking to me.

If people react negatively to you when you are making rational requests or statements, then family or not, you are better off without them!
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Old 02-26-2011, 02:07 PM
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same planet...different world
 
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I'm an artist.
It is currently under discussion at my school
if I even POSSESS a left side of a brain LOL!

BUT-

here's a good way to picture it.

When we're all 'codied up"
we're like these people walking around a barnyard
with a wide open bucket of grain.

Everything in the pasture
knows it can 'feed' when we're around.

I mean, if a family or relationship
sucks us dry
what else can they be doing but 'feeding'
even if only on energy?

ANYWAY-

we learn about ourselves
and put down the bucket.

Suddenly the whole 'barnyard' is confused
and frustrated
because the 'thing' they always 'got'
(or stole or took or whatever descriptive you wish)

is suddenly not there any more.

SO SURE they're going to try to FORCE ... something.

They're going to 'crowd' first ...
(this is strictly experience as a horse trainer, mind)
then they're going to try and 'block' you
to make you produce the 'bucket'
then they might haul off and kick another animal

and soon

you've got cowskicking horses
chickens pecking cats

... chaos.

BUT -
Once the new 'feed' place is established
things DO settle down.

It's not so much different with humans and barnyard animals.

WHich takes it to a whole new level of 'sad'.



I like that analogy.
Metaphor.
Allegory.
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