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Selfish Alcoholic a*******

Old 02-20-2011, 07:06 AM
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Unhappy Selfish Alcoholic a*******

I think I may have had it finally. I am so sick of that piece of **** waking up looking as yellow as a pencil, desperately trying to find money to buy the cheapest vodka he can find, and blaming me cuz he can't find any. I have been getting terrible headaches, my blood pressure is 153/100 and my heart rate is running between 115-120 bpm, and I obviously need medical attention. The Urgent care won't see me because I am too high of a risk so I have to go to he ER. He takes great pleasure in telling me I am a drama queen, I'm faking it (yeah, faking my heart rate and BP) and now he's mad because our car is out of gas and he can't get his vodka. I hate him. He leaves me there by myself, is drunk so ven if he stayed the security guard woud make him leave. He has currhosis of the liver and every time he is hospitalized I am right there with him. I f*****hate him I am afraid I am going to have a stroke because my bp is so high and then what would happen to my 12 year old daughter. I already asked my Ex husband to take her so if anything happens to me she could be close to her siblings. I know the piece of s*** I'm married to now would fight it all the way the goog thing is my ex has a nice home, doesn't drink or abuse other drugs and could give her the lice whe deserves. Don't I deserve better that this? Nobody wants to be left all alone at the ER, but he can't drink there, so he leaves. I have walked home several times before,but our neighborhood in Tucson can be pretty rough. He but when its dark I'm afraid to walk and when I finally get home he's passed out so if anything happens to me he won't remeber where I was or where I was coming from. I HATE HIM! I never have any money for a taxi, and one of these days he is going to get a dui if the phone can wake him up. It 's just a matter of time beofre something really bad happens. I almost wish the blood vessels in his edophogus would rupture so I can have some peace. He thinks he's invincible. My parents finally bought me a new car because I needed one so bad. He will ruin that too. I don't have any money so pleas don't tell me to see a lawyer. Please just give me some advice on how to cope from pleople who have been there.

Thank you.
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Old 02-20-2011, 07:54 AM
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wpasierb,

I was reading your first thread, and you got a lot of good advice and support there.

Could you and your daughter simply leave and go to your parents' house? Would they take you in? I don't see that you have a lot to lose at this point. He isn't organized enough to wage any kind of legal fight for his daughter, and she is in that hell right there with you. If you aren't willing to leave, yourself, could she maybe go stay with them for awhile?

Death from cirrhosis can be sudden, but it can take a long time.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but your own health and your daughter's well-being are at stake here. I think those trump his slow suicide.
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Old 02-20-2011, 07:58 AM
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Hi wp. Sorry to hear you so upset your obviously in a state.
I cannot give advice on what to do with a drunken spouse because it was me who was the drunk. I never, ever changed, until id lost everything and virtualy everyone. My partner was smart enough after 10yrs (unfortunatly for her) to realize i would only drag her down too, and she left.
Clearly your health concerns you and for that reason alone you will do better by just getting out. Save yourself and leave him to his own devices. Noone deserves to be treated the way he treats you, alcoholic or no!!!!
It would be a good idea to have a look round this site at related topics, bc im sure you'll find the same old story, in that alcoholics or abusers never really change until they hit there bottom, which can take yearrrs! Its awful horrible way to live with someone like this and i sympathise, really. But at the end of the day you have to think of yourself im afraid. I dont know the guy i know but, merely abusing drink is a form of alcoholism, and once an alcoholic then always, its that simple.

Do you feel you deserve better? Of course you do. So why not just do it and cut the looses now. And always always remember that none of it was any opf your fault, thats a fact that you'll find to be true throughout this sit if you explore a bit. One of the best defences an alcoholic tries with others is to lay blame outside of themselves, and we are experts when we kneed to be and its all auto pilot.

Look at some other opinions and really try to take it onboard, reflect well on it and make a decision and stick to it. You deserve happiness...

Go get it.
and welcome to SR :-)
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Old 02-20-2011, 08:03 AM
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Here is the list for all of Arizona, including Tucson of the Domestic Violence Shelters in the state: (scroll down, list is alphabetical)

http://www.phoenix.gov/COURT/resclist.pdf

Yes, what he is doing is DV. DV is not necessarily physical, but can be emotional and mental and be a DETRIMENT to your health. Please start calling them, find out how they can help you and your daughter, and take YOUR car when you go.

Most shelters have counseling, legal help, housing help, medical help, and any other help someone in your position might need.

Love and hugs,
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Old 02-20-2011, 08:14 AM
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Maybe this is the bottom you have to hit to realize that you can't really help him, so you are better off putting the energy into helping yourself. Since you profess hate for him I don't think he deserves you sacrificing your own health, sanity, and safety when he does nothing in return for you.

Weigh your options, but you and your daughter come first. If you find yourself making a choice and he would be the one benifitting from it, stop yourself. Stay strong.

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Old 02-20-2011, 08:23 AM
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Wishing for change doesn't equal change. Asking for help, but then not taking action is no help.

You have to make a choice. Leave or stay. It is simple as that. The gang here can help with either choice. But it sounds like you know it is time to go.

So go. Tomorrow will not be any easier than today. Right now will not be harder than after lunch.

It that is your decision, then go pack a bag for you and your daughter, and walk out the door. Sounds hard. But is it harder than continuing to live like you are living now?

One foot in front of the other.
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Old 02-20-2011, 08:43 AM
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Sorry everything is such a mess and when you're in the midst of the madness, it's hard to see the forrest through the trees.

I'm going to give you some "tough love"; you're not a victim and you've made the choice to allow him to have all your power.
The loved ones of sick addicts usually become mental and or physically sick. My Al Anon group is filled with women who are both. One woman who stayed with her now RA, has a serious heart condition and had her first heart attack at 40, 3 of the other women have depression, high BP and they are all pumped up on pills. No one made them sick! They made themsleves sick!
Easier said than done to leave since it was tough to leave my ex, though his behaviour was nowhere as sick as many other addicts, but it was hard, cause you're lost in the sickness with them.
I had 3 sick days a week when I was with my RA, when I left him, I've had like maybe 5 sick days in close to 7 months,.

Is this man worth your daughter living without her mother? If the answer is no, you need to get yourself healthy and by doing that, you need to know you have the power to make the choice to leave.
The love/hate dance is INTENSE and powerful, but start with an al anon meeting and go from there.
But I need to stress, you ARE NOT A VICTIM!. He's not forcing you at gunpoint to stay or get sick. You're at the wheel
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Old 02-20-2011, 09:33 AM
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Thank you for the wonderful input and advice. For some reason my fore head has started to bruise and and I am in quite a bit of pain. He drove me to the Urgent Care and since I have no loc or nausea they prescribed percocet and told me if any of the above happen call 911 immediately. There is absolutely no reason for the bruising & swelling. All the hospital will do is a CAT scan. Anyways. he dropped off the prescription, but now won't go pick it up. It's not safe for me to drive, so I am once again at his mercy. I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM, ETC.............................I just wish there was a way out. My parents are elderly and I can't burden them with this. I do have siblings that I am very close to, but I just hate making their problems my problems. I just can't seem to stop crying, I don't know if its this marraige or my head pain.
Thanks for listening.:rotfxko
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Old 02-20-2011, 09:34 AM
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Why do you need anyone to get out? I would think your parents would be more burdened by a sick daughter no?
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Old 02-20-2011, 09:47 AM
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You don't need anyone to care for you the rest of your life, you just need a place to stay while you make other arrangements. It's very difficult to plan or accomplish anything in your current setting.

Who is paying for your home? Do you own or rent? Where is that money coming from?
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Old 02-20-2011, 09:57 AM
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Originally Posted by wpasierb View Post
Anyways. he dropped off the prescription, but now won't go pick it up. It's not safe for me to drive, so I am once again at his mercy.
Some pharmacies up this way do delivery.
You might as if this pharmacy will deliver?
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Old 02-20-2011, 10:17 AM
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You are choosing to be at his mercy right now.

You can choose to call a sibling or a parent and get some space for your self maybe even some help.

It is easier to be stong when someone is being stong with you.

Call your siblings....

I did. I hated to burden them as well, but I had to take care of me. They were glad to help in the end............

Help yourself here, my friend.

Pick up the phone and reach out.

You give noone who loves you a chance to be strong, if you don't let them see you when you are weak.


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Old 02-20-2011, 10:18 AM
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I was very stressed when living with the A. I couldn't sleep, lost 30 lbs., would grind my teeth, have panic and anxiety attacks ,hair would fall out. Now 3 years after divorce I am totally over all physical symptoms. It is really worth it to get away and your daughter deserves better.
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Old 02-20-2011, 12:24 PM
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I'm guessing that most of your anxiety is because you feel to some extent that you are dependent on him: housing, money etc.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to become self reliant. When I looked at all my anxieties and fears I saw that I was afraid because I was dependent on my AH financially.

The best solution to this situation is to get a plan to be self supporting. Find a relative that can take you in. Find a job and work so you can support yourself and your child to the best of your abilities. Go to school if you need to, but do something that will make you a person on your own.

Even if you have to go to your parents, you can make it low stress for them, but it will take some work on your part. This might mean no contact with your ex, taking responsibility for child care and helping to maintain the home.

Be good to yourself!
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Old 02-20-2011, 12:57 PM
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Please call on your siblings and give them a chance to help you.

Also, you can call +18884280101 which is a domestic abuse service near you (Emerge Center)

You can do this - you and your daughter deserve so much more. Once you get out of the day to day nightmare, then you can start putting concrete plans in place for the future. But, first of all, lean on the support that is out there for you.

Wishing you well.
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Old 02-27-2011, 10:02 PM
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ALNON!
It can be your safe place while you sort things out in your head. They can't protect you from your spouse but they can teach you how to cope. Stroking out is not exactly a good method of coping...please at least try it.
If nothing else you will walk away feeling empowered over your reactions...and it will make a difference in how you view your AH and his disease.
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Old 02-27-2011, 11:52 PM
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html

Hi wpasier
Please reach out to your siblings - these situations can escalate - don't let it be too late.
Please let us know how you are doing. In the link above are great tips for your safety.
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