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Help .. Input appreciated .. TIA

Old 02-19-2011, 02:31 PM
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Question Help .. Input appreciated .. TIA

I am in a long distance relationship and I have been for 4 years. We get to see each other frequently and we try to make the best of it until something more permanent can be worked out. I Love my partner very much. My partner is really struggling right now and I am not sure what to do anymore. I have read tons, watched many shows etc. All I can think to do right now is to write this as a starting point. Please read and feel free to advise me on different wording etc. I am open to anything.
I do realize I am not a doctor nor a therapist. They will come in time) Right now I simply want her to know .. there is a problem, I see it clearly, it is affecting every aspect of her life and I am beside her all the way to try to get the answers and the help she needs.
Thank You in advance for your input.

I have begun these past few weeks to spend hours searching the internet on what I can do to help you. My brain has one main focus right now .. trying to think of ways to help .. some type of solution.

How can I help you, how can I be there for you? You have closed the door on me. You barely respond to most of my loving and/or motivational text and emails. I was feeling so helpless. I could not bear to sit back and watch you hurt yourself any longer.
What could I do?
I keep searching for the answers. I am so scared of where you are going right now. Such a slippery slope. I did not know where to turn? So I search …
I am afraid the alcohol has taken control now. I still believe you are strong enough to take back that control. I think you have to act now though. Today .. not tomorrow

You speak of suicide many nights. They say that is a cry for help.
You ask me to leave you alone. I cannot, I Love You. I will not leave you alone.
I value and believe in everything about you, inside and outside you have it all. I just cannot sit back and watch what you are doing to yourself.

I have started to become bitter with the enablers in your life including myself. The people that encourage you to come out for a drink, the people that buy your drinks, the people that pour you too many drinks. They have nothing to lose they are simply selfish and are wanting your companionship, they are ignoring the fact that (the woman they care about) is slipping away.

The alcohol is stealing your life. Not a second goes by that I don’t fear for your health, I worry. The alcohol has put you in a bad place. It leads you to depression and that leads you to drinking. A vicious circle, that you can overcome. Many pluses are around the corner, take that turn, time is wasting and the world awaits.

I want You to come back, I Love you and You need to love Yourself.
You can beat this and You will come back better and stronger than ever before.
We have so many things happening in these next few months. We need to start preparing so we are ready and we will be.
I Believe in You .. You make me proud ..
I know your strength’s and your weaknesses, I know you ..
Lets work on both of our strengths .. together .. one step at a time.
I am behind you every step of the way. We make a great team when we work-it.
I am not going away, I am here for you.
Just call out my name.
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Old 02-19-2011, 03:29 PM
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I think you've written a very compassionate letter. I think it shows appropriate concern, without threats or an ultimatum. It shows respect and encouragement. It sounds honesty and is not demanding.

I think it's a very appopriate way to reach out to someone you love that has this problem.

I'm sure you're aware that it might not help, that sometimes our A's are beyond reach, that they need to be the one to ask for help and this might not be her time, but I think a letter sent like this could be very helpful.
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Old 02-19-2011, 03:43 PM
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Thank You Chelle. I have tried very hard to do my research where I can, so I don't say or do the wrong thing.
I did the best I could putting something truthful and sincere together without going overboard. I think we all know one wrong word can trigger a landslide and I surely don't want that happening.
Thank You so much for your input.
I certainly appreciate any and all advice at this point as this is a first for me and I realize many of you have walked this walk for a very long time .. ThankYou
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Old 02-19-2011, 03:53 PM
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It sounds heartfelt, full of love and concern. Just be aware that it may not get the response you hope.. that love and concern may not penetrate.

Keep coming back, reading and posting. Lots of good people with good advice here.

Tx
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Old 02-19-2011, 04:49 PM
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Sorry to take a less positive tone. But you asked for input.

Very few alcoholics, from my experience, will change their behavior based such a loving letter. They are in denial, which is not a river in Africa. It is the complete delusional state of mind alcoholics live in.

You sound like many of us. Unfortunately, you can not be reasonable with unreasonable people. And alcoholics are unreasonable if anything.

Winning any war, be it love or conquering nations, is a process of planning for and winning small battles along the way. I suggest you prepare yourself for the next battle. What to do after this letter doesn't have the desired effect? If you come up with a plan, and the letter works beyond you wildest expectations, then you've only lost a little planning time and the rest of your life is lived happily ever after. However, if you wait until you realize the letter produced zero net change to start thinking about what to do next, you will be very far behind.

There is plenty of good advice, based on hundreds of years of collective experience, here on this forum. Take a read through a couple hours worth of posts and see if some paths might become clear.

If you do, you'll see a re-occurring theme from me. And that is to not waste another minute trying to change an alcoholic. I've been trying for years, and wish I hadn't. 20+ years later, I'm left with fewer friends, less money, and a lot more baggage for myself. If I knew then what I know now, I would have packed my bags at the 2nd sign. The first one would have compelled me to put her on notice, and the 2nd time I would have been gone.

Or you can try to change your alcoholic. It might work. Probably won't. Once you get a decade or two together it becomes much harder to leave. you can put your best effort in now, with clearly defined time based goals and see how it works.

good luck.
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Old 02-19-2011, 05:01 PM
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Thank You Tallulah All I can do is try to stay on top and be positive for now and hope for a miracle. I appreciate your input and I am so thankful for this forum. I see much more reading ahead of me
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Old 02-19-2011, 05:19 PM
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zrx no worries I do appreciate it all. I knew when I took this route I could use all the help I can get. Thank You

I know I can't change her. All I can do is hope that one word or one line opens her eyes which hopefully can be her turning point. I am hoping she can then see from outside the box, even a brief glimpse for starters.
I will continue to read the posts and hopeful they will guide me in the right direction.
I just had to start somewhere, I could not sit back and watch her slide deeper, without letting her know what I was seeing, hearing and feeling.
This is a relationship that started after a very long term one. I am in my early 50's and I have learned that time waits for no-one. So for me to keep on "Living" ... as much as I Love this person, I know I will move on if something does not change sooner than later.
Thank You I really do value your input.
Good for you .. moving on .. its never too late to begin again. Good Luck to you too.
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Old 02-19-2011, 05:30 PM
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Remember to keep your best interests at heart too. Don't forget that you deserve love also.

Treat yourself well and expect good treatment in return. That's something I've had a life long battle with, and I think it's a battle that many friends and family of a's have. For me, expecting good behavior in return has been he hardest.
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Old 02-19-2011, 05:53 PM
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My (x?) abf is currently in a hospital for psycological testing and will be going to rehab when he is discharged. I did similar things with encouragment and love. Obviously that did not stop him from binging and ending up 1000 miles away with no money, no food, and sleeping in his car. When he needed help he reached out to his xgf because she enabled him for 7 years and he knows he can count on her to bail him out.

My point is that I think these letters/ messages/ conversations do more for us than they do for them. If we put into words how much we love them and are here for them, then we won't feel like we gave up on them and we don't blame ourselves (and we shouldn't). So do what you need to do for yourself, but keep your expections of their reaction extremely low.

Hugs.
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Old 02-19-2011, 06:34 PM
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Hello Concerned and Welcome to SR!!!!

What you wrote is heartfelt and lovely! Perhaps he will hear you.

But the sad and horrible truth of the matter is that if loving someone enough could get them past their addiction.......none of us would be here.

What we learn are the 3 C's. You have probably already come across these as you have tried to learn more about the disease.

You did not cause your loved one to be an alcoholic.
You cannot control the alcoholic or their poor choices no matter how many heartfelt pleas, threats, ultimatums, or tears you use.
You cannot cure the alcoholic.

This is a wonderful place filled with people who can share their experience, strength, and hope with you (ES&H).

I hope you will stick around!

Hugs, HG
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Old 02-20-2011, 09:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Chelle3 View Post
Remember to keep your best interests at heart too. Don't forget that you deserve love also.

Treat yourself well and expect good treatment in return. That's something I've had a life long battle with, and I think it's a battle that many friends and family of a's have. For me, expecting good behavior in return has been he hardest.
Chelle, I can certainly relate to this also. Posts like yours are a good reminder to everyone as we often forget to take care of #1 Thank You
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Old 02-20-2011, 09:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Shirt423 View Post
My (x?) abf is currently in a hospital for psycological testing and will be going to rehab when he is discharged. I did similar things with encouragment and love. Obviously that did not stop him from binging and ending up 1000 miles away with no money, no food, and sleeping in his car. When he needed help he reached out to his xgf because she enabled him for 7 years and he knows he can count on her to bail him out.

My point is that I think these letters/ messages/ conversations do more for us than they do for them. If we put into words how much we love them and are here for them, then we won't feel like we gave up on them and we don't blame ourselves (and we shouldn't). So do what you need to do for yourself, but keep your expections of their reaction extremely low.

Hugs.
Thank You for the hugs .. I wish you a good ending to your dilema. I do believe my situation is quite different than most in that we are not living together. It does not mean I love them any less though. I am lucky in a way in that hopefully we can get on the route to recovery and with me not Living in the same house the battles are less. However with that said it is very hard to be away when I feel she does not need to be alone right now. Also the very active drinking has not been forever. I feel bad when I read all the stories here. I really do feel fortunate. I have to try to stay on the positive side without being delusional. Thats the tough part.
Thank You for your input and support
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Old 02-20-2011, 10:04 AM
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Hi Concerned123 to SoberRecovery. Here you will find support and understanding. I hope that you will continue to read and post here.

I think it is great that you have written this letter. I have been in this type of situation with loved ones before, too. They did not know that they were alcoholic or that their life and relationships were negatively affected. I think it is good to communicate this to your partner. Please know, though, that a key mechanism of alcoholism is Denial. When in denial, the alcoholic cannot see the truth, no matter how many times we tell them and no matter how dramatic we are in delivering the message.

Have you heard of AlAnon? AlAnon is a "fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems." You can find a meeting here: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico At AlAnon meetings, you learn how to deal with the issues that arise because of alcoholism. AlAnon saved my life. I hope you will give AlAnon a try. (((hugs)))
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Old 02-20-2011, 10:12 AM
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Originally Posted by hydrogirl View Post
Hello Concerned and Welcome to SR!!!!

What you wrote is heartfelt and lovely! Perhaps he will hear you.

But the sad and horrible truth of the matter is that if loving someone enough could get them past their addiction.......none of us would be here.

What we learn are the 3 C's. You have probably already come across these as you have tried to learn more about the disease.

You did not cause your loved one to be an alcoholic.
You cannot control the alcoholic or their poor choices no matter how many heartfelt pleas, threats, ultimatums, or tears you use.
You cannot cure the alcoholic.

This is a wonderful place filled with people who can share their experience, strength, and hope with you (ES&H).

I hope you will stick around!

Hugs, HG
Thank You Hydrogirl Yes Love Alone cannot fight this disease and I know in the beginning of the battle to "get your partner back" the love flows easier than the hate. I am not a hater and its hard for me to read some of the posts that lean that way .. But I do and I try to understand the hell they must be going through Its all very sad.
I actually had not seen the 3 C's yet I have written them down and will take them with me .. They are good reminders to help keep us sane.
ThankYou HG
Hugs back
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Old 02-20-2011, 10:27 AM
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hope for a miracle.
Being an alcoholic with a loving family I could not quit on my own. All the pieces had to fall in place for me to get the 1st Step. Timing is the most crucial aspect of a person beginning recovery or not. I wish there was a recipe for 'timing'. I think there are certain variables that all alcoholics share that lead to the beginning of their recovery. Good luck with yours.
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