pixilation

What the heck is this? Just a-hole syndrome?

Okay, so last night, watching the Grammy's. Everything was cool, the house was finally quiet(the kids were on a rampage yesterday) no drinking, just chill.

Until Mumford and Sons/Avett brothers/Dylan performed. AH was all "hey, I like these guys". So I hand him my Ipod, and tell him to take a listen. Then he hears the Avett bros, and comments "what, is this the next new music fad?" and decides he doesn't like Mumford anymore, because it's "just a fad". WTH?

Cyranoak

He may, or may not be an *******. Alcoholism and assholeness are not necessarily related. You can be one, the other, or both.

My alcoholic step-father is the sweetest guy you ever want to meet when he's drunk or sober. My wife? Angry and stubborn sober, angrier and more stubborn drunk. Me, ******* sober, and nice when I've had a couple. I believe this is true of everybody, and I believe being drunk is a poor excuse for being an *******.

But, to your situation as you described it, from what you posted the first thing I thought is, "why do you care so much about this?" Why does it matter in this situation?"

Just like when wife and I moronically argue about the right way to load the dishwasher, this falls squarely, in my opinion, into the let it go bucket. Perhaps, like me, you have an addiction to drama?

Just a thought. Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

pixilation

I guess it just rubbed me the wrong way, I mean, as much as I don't want to be married to him anymore, it'd be nice to have a normal conversation where he doesn't find some way to "attack" me, you know? It's a very telling sign I think.

Tuffgirl

I've been through this - and I have a totally different opinion on it. So here goes - take what works and leave the rest - I think it is both of you. I didn't realize how much I was participating in the arguing patterns as well. I have started to listen to myself talk - and pay attention to the triggers when I start feeling argued with, not heard, discounted, etc. I am finding that although my RAH is defiant and argumentative, and almost compulsively feels the need to be right, so do I sometimes. It's not just him. I have my own bad habits, too.

So at the risk of sounding all therapy-ish...what are you thinking and feeling inside when you feel like he's arguing with you? What are your triggers? Where are you overly defensive? If you were to re-frame the conversation, might it be less confrontational if you had handled it differently?

I also now understand the H.A.L.T. rule. I am careful not to overreact before I take a quick assessment of my internal situation, because I know I can be a real witch when I have low blood sugar and I know I can be a tyrant when I am angry and feeling self-righteous, etc....

pixilation

for this conversation in particular, I wasn't trying to argue or anything, not sound demeaning/condescending, etc. He had just expressed interest in the band because he hadn't heard of them before. And then almost immediately cut them down when he found out that I liked them(the "fad" part was just an excuse) He didn't like the uncensored version of Cee-lo's song either, because I listened to it.

But, I do the same as you, feel the need to be right, and I have caught myself. Most of the time, I just don't talk to him at all though.

laurie6781

I don't quite understand how it was 'an attack on you.' When he heard more of their music, he changed 'his' mind and decided he didn't like them after all.

Maybe, just maybe it's time to work on you. When you are focused on you, then his actions and words will not upset you so much.

Being 'therapy-ish' here also. Maybe, you have felt for so long that everything he does is an attack on you that you haven't learned how to 'step away' and look at it through a 3rd pair of eyes. Obviously this is the way he is. You know you cannot change him, so ................................... the only one left for you to change is yourself.

Having read your previous posts and threads, I do understand how hard your situations is for you. But, there are things you can do to 'tune him out', react differently than the way you have been reacting, etc. One thing I have found for me is that when I change my ACTIONS AND REACTIONS to others, others change their ACTIONS AND REACTIONS to me. Why? Because when I change how I act and react, they can no longer 'push my buttons' and it startles them and makes them step back and think.

Maybe it is time to read Co Dependent No More again and use a different color highlighter and then go back and see what 'popped out' at you and write about that. This can be a good start towards changing your actions and reactions to him.

Please know that the above is not a criticism, it is written with love and concern, and is just some of what I had to do for me to change what was going on around me.

Love and hugs,

Live

FWIW, I heard this through a different set of ears.

It sounded like this to me:

They are watching a show and he likes a particular music. She finds something they have in common for a nice change (whew!) and so attempts to share. He finds out it isn't new to her, she all ready has it and likes it..so he denigrates it. And she feels like he is being an a$$ because she was trying to come from a nice place.

I AM projecting scenes from my past in this scenario.

laurie6781

You could be correct (((((Live))))). It doesn't matter though, (((((Pixilation))))) knows he is this way and knows she can't change him, so........................ to me it is one of those Let It Go things.

Now (((((Pixilation))))) you need to figure out how you can change your actions and reactions to him to make you a better you.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

pixilation

Well, I didn't react to him last night, I just then sat and played Words with Friends on the Ipod. It was today that it started bugging me, and what Live said is exactly right.

I was going to get all of my books packed up and moved to my sister's house, I think I'll make sure I don't pack up the Beattie books. Because yes..I do need to work on me more.

StarCat

Agreed. The incident itself is minor, not a big deal.
The context, though, changes everything.

When my XABF was in one of his alcohol-induced "moods," he'd frequently start giant tirades against computers, and how technology ruined the world (so far, while he exaggerates, we're on a similar page on the topic), and (wait for it...) how it's all my fault because my generation grew up with them so I can't see how they were invented by the devil.

I know about computers, sure. I used to be rather a geek myself, and I learned a lot trying to keep my first computer running in college (you haven't lived until you've had a computer that required you to manually install both hard drives before it would boot Windows). That said, I don't really have anything fancy, aside from my almost-top-of-the-line-when-I-bought-it four-year-old laptop.

But the point is, I knew more than he did. He always thanked me for helping - then gave me an earful when he decided to get drunk under the premise that "he couldn't take it anymore."
And it was always because I knew the answer, and he didn't, and that was not allowed.

I laugh about it now, because he had no idea what he was talking about half the time... But it was extremely stressful at the time, being yelled at about things I didn't cause, and getting an earful about all the people who let "My Face" and "Spacebook" control their lives, etc...

wicked

ah, those were the days, huh starcat?
:rotfxko

i agree with laurie though, you will have to avoid any convo with him.
there is too much "static" in the air, and everything is coming up wrong.
sigh....
i am thinking of you pixilation, i have dealt with the same thing.
like if i knew something, it suddenly became of no value.

Beth

Tally

Am sure my ex used to just argue with me for the sake of it. What ever opinion I had would be wrong and he would disagree with it. Even opinions that he had himself a few days back that he didn't remember saying would be wrong if I said the same thing.

For example
Drunk A: I love Bob Dylan, greatest song writer ever.

Few days later -
Me: Love Bob Dylan, he wrote the best songs...
A: Do you think so? Why?! Such and such is MUCH better...I can't believe you think he's the greatest, pft!

Old Me: WHAT!?! YOU said he was the greatest...rah blah blah blah.....SCREAM!
Post SR Me:......................door creek!(<---- silence and me leaving the room)

SoloMio

Yes, that's how I took it as well. BTDT. One example: One of his clients/friends buys him The Power of Now, saying it's a great book, he should read it. It's been on his nightstand for a few days--he hasn't gotten around to opening it yet. I'm curious, read a chapter or two. In passing, I mention something about it in the car. He freaks out, gets angry, and decides that since I've read some of it, he's not going to read it now.

I agree that having to pick and choose your conversation based on the likelihood to have it distorted beyond anything meaningful is a pain.

ETA: If I were going to really try to approach this from a desire to be understanding and compassionate, I'd say that he feels that I am always "the smart one," "the bookread one." This recommendation from a third party was his chance to be "the smart one" for once, but I usurped that chance. So, if I take my ego out of the equation (ironic the book in question is The Power of Now), I can simply conclude that he feels (rightly or wrongly) that he is not as good as me in certain areas, and he would like to feel more on par with me, and his reaction was based on feeling threatened once again.

But again, why should equal partners who love each other be in competition?

Live

yeah. The bottom line is that the dynamics are a no-win.

I still don't understand the need to turn a rare peaceful scene into an upsetting one. I never will, I don't think. I don't like hassling.
I suppose that is why things often hurt my feelings perhaps more than they should have.
and feeling so misunderstood when you make a peaceful gesture.

Thumper

This thread has me thinking.

I kind of quit talking to my xah because of this kind of thing. I would pretty much just nod, or agree, or not say anything at all because it was an endless loop of this kind of thing.

The thing that has me thinking is he was the one that told me I would disagree with everything. I know for certain I wasn't trying to argue, or changing my mind about minor things just to torture him. At the time I felt like I either agreed or not but if I had a different opinion, or just felt like discussing pros/cons of some non personal thing, or asked a follow up question even, I was suddenly negative. I was always accused of being negative, pessimistic, difficult, always right, and it was pointless to talk to me.

We couldn't put a three sentence conversation together without irritating the other person. Maybe at that point things had just degenerated so far that normal conversation wasn't impossible.

Of course I just assumed he was nutso and incapable of normal conversation, lol, but now I'm going to have to ponder and see what my role was.

SoloMio

Yes, Thumper, exactly. So, the response to any opinion I offer is:

If I disagree: "I say black, you say white" (in other words, I am only offering my opinion to be contrary--not just because I have an opinion to share)

If I agree: "What, are you just agreeing with me?" or "Uh-oh, why are you agreeing with me?"

As you said, Live, a no-win situation.

This pattern really permeates everything. I tried to get him on a Dave-Ramsey style budget (DR is adamant that couples have to work finances together). But, either he has to have total control, or he relinquishes control completely, which seems to give him permission to call me the "control freak" or allows him to be the "p-w-ed" guy. I'm not doing that at all--I'm simply asking for compromise. Something that he seems to be unable to navigate.

sunshine321

Actually it's "normal" to want to have a civil conversation with another person, be it someone you know, a stranger or a loved one. I really understand where you are coming from pixi. I lived it day in and day out until I got to the point that I just stopped being nice and trying at all. It wasn't worth it because I never knew the response I'd get. And when it was negative or became a fight, I really couldn't help but say something, calling him out for it. So I just remained civil and didn't initnitiate any conversations. Just yes or no. Then I got berated for not talking about anything or bringing up any topic or having discussions. But it was better than wasting my energy.

Obviously for me, that relationship was toxic and I needed to get out. Funny how I can have the same benign conversations with everyday people and it doesn't seem to have the same outcome. sometimes I would have to ask people in general about a topic just to make sure that it wasn't me who did something to set him off. And the answer was always the same. "who is this person? What are they crazy?" Guess what my answer was. Yup, crazy. But me more so for staying. So I left. Because life is too short for me to be unhappy day after day and not be able to have a simple conversation with someone who "loves" me.

Peace,
Jen

Learn2Live

I've tried it many times but I just cannot live with people like your spouse Pixilation. In fact, I can't even be NEAR them. They suck the life out of me. That negativity and always arguing about anything and everything is TOXIC. I don't know about "a-hole syndrome," but I learned it's just the way they THINK. And it's REAL hard to change the way someone else thinks.

Keep focusing on you, reading and posting, and going to AlAnon if you can. (((hugs)))

buttercream

One of my friends told a classic story about going to dinner with her husband last week. When ordering his dinner, he asked her, "Which kind of rice do I like, brown or white?" She answered, "You like white, baby." He told the waitress, "I'll have brown." LOL. Clearly just setting up an argument for the heck of it. Some people just do that. Best approach is to laugh at them.

P.S. Pixilation: Words with Friends is AWESOME!

pixilation

It is, I heard about it from some friends on my mommy board(thats who i play with too) it's a great escape!

Well i am glad that its not just me at least, and to just continue pulling back like i have been trying to do.