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Need some support regarding separation

Old 02-12-2011, 07:26 AM
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Need some support regarding separation

I have been a emotional wreck these last few days. My AH got home from a court ordered hospital stay due to an awful weekend bender and threatening suicide. While he was away I made the decision that we must separate for my well-being and our 2 kids (7 and 3). I have made some small steps. I was able to arrange childcare with my neighbor since my AH was a stay at home dad. AH understood where things stood when he was released. He did ask for a couple of days to come home and get his affairs / plans in order, which I agreed to. He does not have any money, a job, or any local family to stay with. He spent all day looking into treatment options and also consulted with our pastor and is planning on getting baptized tomorrow. He says that he is turning his life over to God. I have stayed away and not had any involvement. We have also sat down with the kids and explained how things were going to change for them. Deep down inside I am still struggling with putting him out on the streets with nothing. Also, I feel that so many people seem to advocate that our marriage can be saved and of course that is what AH believes. Everyone thinks we need marriage couseling and I am not even sure that is what I want. AH wants to go to church tomorrow as a family, so I will be there for his baptism. Honestly, the entire situation makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like I have just been gasping for breath these last few days. My chest and stomach hurt so badly and my heart has been beating a million beats per minute.
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Old 02-12-2011, 07:35 AM
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Bless your heart. I'm so sorry.

Can you take some time to just be alone today? Go someplace soothing and restful, breathe, meditate, pray.... get centered. You need some space to think.
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Old 02-12-2011, 07:36 AM
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I think you're doing great. So breathe.

There are many shelters and alcoholism treatment options, including the Salvation Army, which, I'm told, has an EXCELLENT recovery program.

You don't have to decide the future of your marriage at this moment. Right now it's damage control. By forcing him out on his own, you are helping yourself and your kids and, ultimately, him if he chooses to make the most of this opportunity.

Marriage counseling might be great, but it's useless until he gets some solid recovery. Yes, there will be other issues to address, but you don't treat the ingrown toenail while the ruptured aorta is gushing blood.

Hugs, stay strong. You can DO this.
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Old 02-12-2011, 07:51 AM
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CoffeeLover, I completely understand how you feel. There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself and letting him get baptized without you there. It might be best that you are not there. The church will have plenty of people to support and encourage him. Maybe there will be some recovering alcoholics who will step up an encourage him and share their story with him. It sounds like he's going from one extreme to the other when all you want or need is just to breathe and have some calm without every moment being an emotional roller coaster. I understand that as my husband put me in similar situations regarding church. We were always on the pew on Sunday morning and then he was drunk on Monday.

Please do not be pressured into doing something you do not feel comfortable doing.
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Old 02-12-2011, 07:56 AM
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Oops, sorry, I missed the thing about the baptism.

I personally would skip it--I don't think it would help you, and as RollTide points out, he will have others there for this special occasion. It feels a little too much like manipulation for him to want you there. Not that he is necessarily insincere about his "conversion" but he is the one who has fractured your relationship, and he really doesn't have the right to expect you to be there as if everything is just fine.
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Old 02-12-2011, 08:02 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Oops, sorry, I missed the thing about the baptism.

I personally would skip it--I don't think it would help you, and as RollTide points out, he will have others there for this special occasion. It feels a little too much like manipulation for him to want you there. Not that he is necessarily insincere about his "conversion" but he is the one who has fractured your relationship, and he really doesn't have the right to expect you to be there as if everything is just fine.

Exactly. He is wanting everything to be instantly o.k. This can be a spiritual experience that will change his life. In the meantime you can give yourself a gift of calm and not be drawn into his needs.
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Old 02-12-2011, 08:06 AM
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Sorry to hear it, will keep you in my good thoughts.
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Old 02-12-2011, 09:09 AM
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Originally Posted by CoffeeLover View Post
Deep down inside I am still struggling with putting him out on the streets with nothing.
CoffeeLover, I wanted to let you know that I completely understand this. I am somewhat stuck in the same place, but I am gaining some clarity that I want to share with you.

My AH is the only one who can decide if he wants to recover from his addiction. But, I do have the right to have clear boundaries about what I am or am not willing to live with.

The boundary (that I am trying very hard to set ) is very simple... I expect him to seek recovery as though his life depends on it.

It's not complicated ~ there aren't a lot of rules to follow. It's simple, but I am not saying it's easy.

He has been to treatment & AA many times. He knows what he needs to do - but only he can decide if he is willing to do what it takes to maintain sobriety.

I have to be willing to ACCEPT that he may decide that his addiction is more important to him than me or the children. He gets to be the owner of his decision ~ even if I disagree with it.

You are in a tough spot! I wish you peace and serenity in the midst of chaos.
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Old 02-12-2011, 10:04 AM
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Did you know that Salvation Army has a really GREAT recovery program/rehab and it is FREE. They also encourage them to find work, but while in the rehab they do have a place to stay, sleep, hot and cold running water, and food.

Let him know about it and then sit back and see if he even calls.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 02-12-2011, 10:11 AM
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(((hugs))) CoffeeLover.
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Old 02-12-2011, 10:16 AM
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You need a few hours to yourself for sure.

Thing is -
you haven't done any of this.
This is done by someone elses actions.

And a dunk in a tub is not proof of change.

Only time does that.

You - arent' putting him anywhere -
his actions did that.
Not yours.

Your only action
has been to respect your own life and livingness.

Those other people didn't live in your house.

SO what they say doesn't count.



I don't see a thing in the world wrong with
anyone having to stand up to the consequences of their actions.
I don't know that anyone
should be kept from understanding that by going through it.
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Old 02-12-2011, 10:27 AM
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I will say, the baptism thing does sound like manipulation to me.
Maybe because it's not that far off of what XABF tried to do to me towards the end.
He decided he wanted to start going to church, and that I could pick which one we'd go to, and that he'd even go to a Roman Catholic one if that's what I wanted.
I was raised Roman Catholic, but I've only ever heard him make cruel remarks about the Pope and Roman Catholics, and the fact he would say he wanted to go to one of their churches for Mass just reeked of manipulation to me.

This may not be true in your husband's case, of course - I don't know.

I do know that you should do what makes YOU feel happy, and if you don't want to go, then don't.
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Old 02-12-2011, 11:28 AM
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You've decided to separate. So separate. Don't mess around with him any more.

With time, you will have more clarity on what to do. For now, you've made your decision. Stick with it. Don't be manipulated.
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Old 02-13-2011, 06:24 AM
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My AH left for his Baptism this morning and I did decide to stay home. One, I am just too terribly emotional right now to face that and that is not fair for my kids to see my like that.

Secondly, I do agree with what others said about it sounding like manipulation. If this is what he wants to do then I want him to do it on his own terms. I don't want him to think that this is a "quick fix" and will change my decision. I have seen this behavior manifest in so many different forms. For instance, he goes to AA everyday but yet still drinks. He thinks just by going will be enough to satisfy me and hide his drinking.

I'm sure that I will be judged by many members of the church because I am not there for him, but I will just figure out how to pick up the pieces and carry on.
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Old 02-13-2011, 06:49 AM
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The fact that he's going (or says he is going) to AA but is still drinking pretty much tells the story. I like what barb dwyer said...a dunk in a tub is not proof of change. I agree it's all manipulation. If you have made the decision to separate, then do that without the guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
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Old 02-13-2011, 07:01 AM
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Good for you for not participating in his current scheme and standing your ground. Working our way through the manipulation field can be tricky. I’ve learned to err on the side of caution and always always listen to my inner voice.

At this point in time the least of your worries are with people at this church and what they may think, who cares!!
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Old 02-13-2011, 07:07 AM
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I thought about you this morning CoffeeLover and looked for your post. Good for you that you didn't go. It's his walk and he needs to walk it.

Figure out a short answer for when the locals say something to you and don't worry about them. Something like, "Yes, I'm very happy for him."

Sit back and have yourself a nice cup of coffee.
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Old 02-13-2011, 07:10 AM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
I like what barb dwyer said...a dunk in a tub is not proof of change.
I keep reading this as "drunk in a tub". And every time I have to think, WTF???

LOL, just chuckling at my bad eyesight.
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Old 02-13-2011, 07:32 AM
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Hang in there. In the beginning it is so hard to follow through on things that our gut so strongly tells us to, but our heart gets messed up and all emotional.

I sure hope your church is not judgmental like that, and if so, maybe it is a sign to find a new church family.

Hugs to you.
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Old 02-13-2011, 07:40 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
I keep reading this as "drunk in a tub". And every time I have to think, WTF???

LOL, just chuckling at my bad eyesight.
So did I at first. It works either way.
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