Buffalo66

I have been reading about untreated people who suffer from bipolar disorder. It seems, as with alcoholism, that it is really the loved ones who suffer more so, as the disease enaables a disconnect of sorts from the accountability.

Anyone have, or live w someone who has Bipolar disorder?
I dont know what type, or whatever. He only said the doc said, "a touch of bipolar disorder"...which I know is a half truth.

I want him gone, now, but we have a big surgery coming up for our 6 year old on the 23rd of this month. As long as he doesnt do anything overtly twisted or abusive, sons counselor thinks I should wait to push on him leaving until the first.

He says he is leaving of his own will on march 1st, but he swings around like a fan. An oscillating fan.

I guess I do too. I will miss the sex partnership. I am not shallow, really. I just have not had much luck with safety in a sex partner in my life, and of all things, my A and I have that one little sector of our life together that is almost always safe, at least in the moment.

Just an update. I am excited to be free, and scared I will back out, and nervous to be alone...

wicked

A touch of bipolar disorder? Interesting, is that like being a little bit pregnant?

Yes, my middle son was diagnosed as a late teen. He was given prescription drugs, took them and some counseling. He has to watch for symptoms, but he is aware and knows the signs.

The codie in me wishes you didnt have to count on this man for anything.
I dont know how sex can feel safe and how I could feel loved by someone who was not there emotionally (alchohol or mental disorder).

I hope the very best for your sons surgery. Is there any kind of support group for you?
Please find one.

Beth

tjp613

Can you explain what you mean by this ? I'm not understanding.

lillamy

Buffalo,

I'm pretty sure my RAXH is untreated bipolar as well, although he'd never get a proper diagnosis. I think it's pretty common that people with different kinds of mental disorders "self-medicate" with alcohol. Doesn't mean they're any less of an A, just that they have more problems once they're sober.

I can't wait for March for you.

bookwyrm

Read this thread about sex and being alone. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ult-topic.html I think it used to be a sticky but I couldn't find it this morning (lack of caffine may be the problem!).

PS, IMAlice, I always imagine you blushing whenever I post this link. Sorry!!

Buffalo66

TJP613,

What I mean is, I have a history of sexual assault. It took many years for me to find safety in sexuality at all.

I am now 40 ish. In my relationship with my A, I found a space of safety in actual sexuality. He cheated and lied, but when we were together, I had a compassionate and present, patient partner. I know it sounds crazy, but, I have been with him for 10 years. He is 10 years younger than I am.
During the 10 years I was with one other man. Once. During a breakup.

I just feel defeated over the idea of finding a new partner who I can feel comfortable with, who I am physically attracted to. I am sure there will be relief from feeling unsafe about being betryaed, or lied to...But...These are real issues for me, and I have gone back into the fire over it in the past. The fear of not being able to find a safe space with another man.

He and I have actually discussed this. HE knows he is a good sexual partner when he chose to be there, and to be present and faithful for the times he was.

I guess I am still in love with him.
I know we can love people from a distance. I've never really moved on, so its big.

He is almost overtaken with the paranoid/obsessive suspicion right now. It is so hard.
Our son was home sick from school yesterday, A called several times during the day. He knew we were home. He had a work meeting early, then spent the rest of the day at a coffee shop, then in the evening went to a hockey game.

I said,"even if you are moving out, I expect you to at least try to spend some time w our son..." and since he says he stays away because of me, I said, "Tuesday night I wil be gone from 7-10pm. Can you be home w son?" HE said his parental obligation is fulfilled by his working. I do not see any more of his money besides the $328/mo child support takes out of his check. He never hands any money over. He said, "get a sitter. Nobody decides what I do w my time but me."

I was so angry, fought the urge to put his stuff on the curb.
HE is that rude, that unfair, and that much of a d*ck, then comes home and asks me who was in our bed, the covers do not look the same as morning. HE said he has a funny feeling that something was going on there while he was gone.

He asked twice. I was calm. I suggested he rate how realitic his fear was. He said not very. But he asked again. He insisted on looking at my phone. I let him.

This is full blown paranoia, right?
We spoke on the phone throughout the day no less than 3 times, at even intervals. Our son was with me all day, he heard him, spoke to him.

I ended up saying, "Your statement is true only in that you 'have a funny feeling.' Thats all.

I tried to call his reasonable brother/psych grad in California, just to inforn him of the recent behavior. Spoke for a minute, he said call back tomorrow, But then I saw him having called My A to ask what I wanted to talk about. Did not help matters!

I know. I will find a new partner. In the mean time, I hope I can be strong, and remember this is not even his fault. He is ill. It is slowly dawning how sick he may be.

CSHNow

Buffalo66...I am pretty sure I can identify with your experience in this situation. I am struggling with a similar problem lately too. I am not in the realationship anymore but really miss a lot of what we had. Very tough to deal with.

Live

No, there isn't such a thing as a "touch of bipolar". If he is diagnosed with bipolar the dr will want to start him on a mood stabilizer right away and monitor him.

It is a very difficult and painful illness to live with ..for the sufferer and those who live with them.
A very high percentage of people with bipolar do self-medicate. Mixing alcohol with the medications is very messy business too.

There is no way for us to know whether he is genuinely paranoid about you being with others or if he is just being and a$$. You know him best.
I find that kind of questioning intolerable in any case.

I have severe bipolar and it does not excuse me from my behavior(s). I can't help being depressed or manic at times, but I am still responsible for myself. It is up to me to continue to get good medical care and counseling to help me cope with my illness and to negotiate any relationship bumps I have.

myheadhurts

How can someone be diagnosed with a "touch" of anything that has no clinical diagnostic test? Does that mean they exhibit a couple of random symptoms from the list (untested and unproven) in the DSM? Scary....

There are times when I feel down, other times I am more productive than others, I like to organize my belongings and maintain order in my house, sometimes I am in a bad mood with my wife (for any number of reasons) sometimes I go out of my way to be extra nice for no reason, there are myriad fluctuations in my behavior, even more so for a while after stopping drug/alcohol abuse. I could be "classed" as bi polar, I prefer to consider myself a "normal" person with normal mood fluctuations.

The idea of being prescribed medications with unknown actions which can lead to permanent damage (TD), for an undiagnosable illness, make my skin crawl.


How long has he been off the alcohol? Is he still dealing with withdrawal symptoms, either physical or psychological? Perhaps the behaviors you are having difficult with will subside as his sobriety continues.

Thumper

Buffalo I keep reading this thread and not responding because I have no experience with bi-polar.

I keep wanting to say something though, lol, so......

I wanted to express that you have been through a lot. You have done a lot. You have given a lot, and excepted a lot. You have done a lot of waiting, a lot of soul searching, and a lot of recovery.

When you come to the fork in the road with this relationship it isn't fair to yourself to say 'you give up'. You have done everything but give up. Coming to the end is not the same as giving up.

Live

LOL

Bipolar is an abnormally wild ride. Normal mood fluctuations don't get you hospitalized and etc. What I have goes beyond normal. The meds give me a chance at an approximate normal. And keeps me alive and out of the hospital.
I don't like having to assert that I am a certifiable "nutter". blech. And there is controversy over the dsm..but that doesn't mean that there is no such thing as mental illness.
Taking a family and personal history would aid in diagnosis...and it may be withdrawals? But if there is a real mental health issue...treatment matters very much.

mushroom

When I was a teen my older brother came down with what apparently was bipolar. He is now part of the mentally ill homeless population. He was very dangerous to live with. Flew into a rage over nothing at all. I would run from him and lock myself in a room to keep myself safe. He tried to push our mother out a second story window once. He beat down every door in the house at one time or another, and broke the window by the front door when she tried to lock him out. He broke my key off in my car ignition once because he didn't want me starting my car. Nearly broke my hand in the process. He has threatened to kill me, accuses me of stealing from him, ruining his life, trying to swindle our mother. Threatened to shoot a neighbor who had an easement over his property, vandalized neighbor's water system. He shot a dog with a flare gun because it was barking at him as he stumbled through its yard. He's done jail time for assault and for dealing. He self-medicates with alcohol, pot and coke.

On the other hand, a friend's husband was diagnosed in middle age. He takes his meds, and everything's fine. He's not an alcoholic.

sailorjohn

Gawd, I was raised by someone with bipolar and active alcoholism, my Mom.

The 'great love of my life'-my most recent ex-afaik also suffers from both, when I first met her I wasn't extremely attracted to her, but there was something about her, so I pursued it with a vengeance.

When I figured out the secret to the attraction, I felt like driving in front of a train. Went back to AA instead.

I had actually mentioned the subject to her back when I was still drinking, just before I stopped iirc, and she didn't seem all that bothered by my 'suspicions', in retrospect probably because of all of her other secrets, the crack addiction amongst them.

I never really researched bipolar, odd for such a committed codie like myself, but was always haunted by the one thought, my Mom never recovered.

She kept drinking and acting out, ended up 'losing her mind'-for lack of a better word, and has been in the care of others since. Pretty awful way to end up.

laurie6781

I am having a real hard time wrapping my brain around this one. Any doctor 'worth his/her salt' will not even attempt to make this type of diagnosis until the individual has all the 'toxins' out of their system and are working some type of program of recovery. The norm seems to be 6 months to a year.

The reason being that addiction can 'mimic' so many types of mental illness that Drs are hesitant to put 'labels' on someone too early in recovery.

Now by Drs I do mean psych doctors.

I suffered greatly my first NINE years in recovery with all the 'highs' and 'lows' until I was ready to commit myself to a padded cell. It was only then I was diagnosed as Bi Polar, and then it took another 5 years of trial and error with medications, and a lot of work on my part to get my Bi Polar basically 'in check' most of the time.

Either way, whether what he is exhibiting are the 'normal' highs and lows of early recovery or if there may be some Bi Polar involved, you certainly do not have to subject you and your children to this. He can still come to the hospital when your child has the surgery on the 23rd, he just doesn't have to be living in your home.

Good thoughts and prayers going out to you and your family.

Love and hugs,

dogluvah

No, you can't cure bi-polar disorder. It can only be managed. With her being an alcoholic and a crack user as well, it must have been hell living around this woman.

sailorjohn

I had a few experiences I never had before.

They say you have to touch the stove to know that it burns, I guess you could say I'm a slow learner.

But, I am extremely grateful for having met her, she was the catalyst for my recovery.

So sad that she might not ever get it herself.

Buffalo66

Thanks, everyone.
The catch is, he may have lied abt what the doc told him.
He was sent home with a script for neurontin.
I did research it, and it seems to be an experimental stage drug, in terms of mood stabilizing, pptimarily used for nerve disorders like epilepsy.
The script is sitting on the nightstand.
As for his recovery, he is not attending meetings, is well out of the detox phase(4 months..) he. Even detoxed himself slowly before he went into treatment.
The suspicious controlling behavior has been in a lull.
But he is still unable to cope with much in terms of responsibility, basically able to cover his work responsibilities, then taking hours to "wind down" at a coffee shop where many friends hang out.
He has been avoiding the bar since I told him that was unacceptable while under our roof, but I do not trust that is entirely true.
One thing that happened, was when he went to a hockey game after hanging out for hours after work last Thursday, was that I told him he would have to be w son Tuesday night... I have an appointment. He told me to get a sitter.
I asked him if he felt unstable to stay w son alone for 3 hours. He said no.
Two days later he agreed, saying he had been very unfair, says he has been having identity issues... Feels he needs to go to the bar, the coffee shop b cause he feels like 'himself' there.
He also has asked if we can open a conversation abt starting over, reassessing his moving out.
It's a manipulation.
My sponsor (alanon) said I should make a schedule for two weeks time. Schedule in time for him to 'be himself', and time for me, as well. List three nights he should b home for dinner, two nights he dies bedtime duties, etc..
Her feeling is he will either respond well to the structure or he won't, but if he doesn't, then I am well within reason in asking him to leave.
The work he does is hard labor. Wakes at 6, done by 4. In sometimes freezing temps.
It is alot for him 4 months out, but I need a co parent! This also doesn't address the erratic mood swings.
As for safety of our son, I feel fine abt it mostly except for the general runaround diisrespect and Absence. In terms of actual physical/ emotional safety, I have concerns abt him falling asleep and being unable to b roused awake. It only happened once since he has been out of treatment, and I was home.
I hear what my sponsor is saying. He has good intentions, but man... Sometimes I just feel like he is a baby, whining abt work, about everything, needing awards for basic daily stuff he does.
He told me yesterday he wants to be a solid, reliable man, and he knows he has a long way to go. He asked for my patience.
He also wanted to stay out til 10 last night and our son was calling him, asked him to come home. He acted like a teenager to me( not to son), and finally just came home @8, saying he doesn't know what he was thinking... His family is here, he should see that.
It's a roller coaster. I am not taken in, but I question.

Buffalo66

PS;
thumper,
thNks so much for that!
I do feel that way. I have done all I can do.

I feel like he can only progress in the disease, and if he doesn't seek more thourough help, I can do no more. I can't stop his panic, paranoia.

But there is that itchy little issue of being in love w him.

Live,
in your experience, study, whatnot, can bipolar untreated manifest in panic and paranoia? I get mixed info on this. I know rapid cycling can get agitated and then exhausted... He almost seems unaware of the terrible behavior after the fact, like he saw it differently. Could just be heavy denial. Any thoughts? Thanks

sailorjohn

What makes him so lovable?

Live

yeah, panic and paranoia can be common symptoms. I will pm you a link.
It is terribly hard to sort out!

Many of my bipolar friends say that their "better half" can spot symptoms before they can. But. It is my job to learn when I am starting to have symptoms and do something about it.

Neurontin is often used for milder anxiety and mood swings but is not usually one of the major "mood stabilizers" used for a full bipolar diagnosis. The most common ones for that are lithium, depakote and seroquel...there are also some newer ones..abilify, geodon and etc...atypical anti-psychotics, they are called and are used to bring down a mania or hypomania. Or a mixed episode...that is when the "up" is agitated and etc.