Good for you for getting out!
I often want to manage how my AH acts or want to "out" his real self to his family.
My therapist calls this a reflected sense of self.
I don't feel valididated. I want him and others to say, "Yes, you're doing the right thing. Yes, he's acting like a jerk. Yes, he has an addiction. Yes, you have a right to leave...etc."
My own self esteem is shaky, so I want it validated outside myself. It's why so many of us essentially want permission from the abuser to leave them - because we can't find our own permission.
When I finally took back all my swirling, angry, frustrated, righteous, hurt crazy energy I was giving to him and worrying over him, I got it back, to do with what I will! I use it for working on me and exercise and play.
Ahh, so much more peace.
Part of my struggle is I am frustrated that it's NOT RIGHT. It's NOT RIGHT that he threw away a lovely marriage for hiding and lying and drink. It's NOT RIGHT if he tells others I am a jerk to him. It's not right he can get away with skirting all responsibility! That is super frustrating!!
And then I reflect that all the above is my desire to control. The funny thing is I want to control FOR GOOD! I want him to be a better person. I want us to have a better relationship. And if he just followed my advice...
LOL! You can see where that goes! Control is control and it connects to my inability to have things be as they are.
Maybe you don't want to fix him, maybe you just want to punish him, or make him see, or make him stop.
All of that is control.
I don't meant that in a negative way! I do a TON of it myself.
It would make me feel more good and safe in the world if my AH wasn't playing mind games or abusing himself with alcohol or being a snot to me.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, he is.
And your AH has big issues and is denying and blaming.
It is so.
The more you can accept him for what he is...not to condemn him or judge him, but just to accept he IS that man that is so frustrating and dangerous, the more you can take your energy back.
You don't want all that in your life (obviously since it frustrates you and you left - yay!), so stop allowing him the permission to waste so much of your precious mind energy on him and his friends and family and fill the space with peace.
Validate you. Remind yourself that YOU know the truth and THAT is the most important thing.
Let me say that again.
YOU know the truth and THAT is the most important thing.
:ghug3