Should I be doing this? I need some help please. Thankyou.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: NEW YORK
Posts: 94
Welcome buttondaisy!
You are not alone!
It strikes me how how much you have given this man at the sacrafice of your own well being.
I dont know what happened when you talked about 'falling down a plughole' but you got out of it (good for you!!!) Dont let him drag you down there again! You need to take care of YOURSELF!
Im sorry but he does not sound ready to get help. And you dont sound ready to let go. But thats ok! Because joining here is one step in moving forward -FOR YOU!!!
I am pretty new here too but SR has been so helpful and supportive AND non-judgemenatl to me already. Yes I have supportive family and friends IRL, but when I come here, I feel such peace, because the UNDERSTANDING and genuine concern just emanate from the screen!
You will find people on here who have been through/going through everything you are describing. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! (((((hugs))))
You are not alone!
It strikes me how how much you have given this man at the sacrafice of your own well being.
I dont know what happened when you talked about 'falling down a plughole' but you got out of it (good for you!!!) Dont let him drag you down there again! You need to take care of YOURSELF!
Im sorry but he does not sound ready to get help. And you dont sound ready to let go. But thats ok! Because joining here is one step in moving forward -FOR YOU!!!
I am pretty new here too but SR has been so helpful and supportive AND non-judgemenatl to me already. Yes I have supportive family and friends IRL, but when I come here, I feel such peace, because the UNDERSTANDING and genuine concern just emanate from the screen!
You will find people on here who have been through/going through everything you are describing. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! (((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 56
Buttondaisy...you sound like a good, kind, loving person. Sounds as if you could use some ((((HUGS)))) that you trust.
Perhaps your fellow wants to be that person and maybe in time he will. In the meantime focus on your own needs. He must help himself.
Perhaps your fellow wants to be that person and maybe in time he will. In the meantime focus on your own needs. He must help himself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Dousman WI
Posts: 51
You're here Buttondaisy so that's one step! I found this place after trying to sober up and live with my AS. I found out that love by itself doesn't help the drinker. He has to be ready and he has to meet his consequences on his own. I can't speak for him, but I can tell you that for ME, my house has returned to normal, I ENJOY being here, I can relax and I'm not even cyber-stalking him anymore. It doesn't take away the worry but I also seem to thrive on the "what I don't know can't hurt me". All I can do for now is enjoy the peace and quiet my home has been restored to and say lots of prayers.
Keep reading!
Keep reading!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 72
Welcome! I can only rebeat what everyone else has said so far. Keep reading here, keep posting and don't forget, you don't have to find a solution today. Things don't have to change today. Try to make today, this hour, this minute about just you. One minute, one hour, one day at a time....
I also wanted to recommend a Melody Beattys book 'Codependent no more'. Many here have read and re-read it. It's a must read and it has helped me restore my sanity.
I also wanted to recommend a Melody Beattys book 'Codependent no more'. Many here have read and re-read it. It's a must read and it has helped me restore my sanity.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 72
Welcome! I can only repeat what everyone else has said so far. Keep reading here, keep posting and don't forget, you don't have to find a solution today. Things don't have to change today. Try to make today, this hour, this minute about just you. One minute, one hour, one day at a time....
I also wanted to recommend a Melody Beattys book 'Codependent no more'. Many here have read and re-read it. It's a must read and it has helped me restore my sanity.
I also wanted to recommend a Melody Beattys book 'Codependent no more'. Many here have read and re-read it. It's a must read and it has helped me restore my sanity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: cavan
Posts: 5
Thankyou all so much for all this.....i feel humbled and so welcome....thankyou.
Yesterday was hard. didnt get to sleep until 8am, then up at 10 am....with dread. The day seemed strange, dreamlike, going over everythig in my head. Went down to the post box at the end of the lane, only to find a few beer cans in the field next to it...we re the only ones who live down here, wonder who they belong to?
The excuse turned out to be a lie from before....again. only 2 cans i promise.
So i got us in the car and we went for a drive to a lake. Sat in silence. Funny how a lake just remains the same for years, comforting really.
Finally we talked, although i could feel the resentment at me "forcing" him to talk....jaw clenching rose to a new high from him.
He saud he had come to a decision, that he would never drink again, that he could do it alone because he has before, that he needed that "last blow out" to show him....im sure you all have heard that before...i have.
So i held my tongue, told him i had his back...as usual.
I decided then i was going to start swimming again. I used to swim 3 times a week, i used to do yoga, i used to paint....used to do a lot of things.
He then said it would be good for him to join a gym, and i believe it will be. So i said..
"on wednesday im going to an al-anon meeting in town at 8.30, if you dont want to come with me then maybe i will drop you off at the gym while i go"
His chin hit the floor, "why are you going there? you might see someone who knows us!"
Oh my, how i wanted to say 100 things, but i just smiled and said i might, and that i needed to talk to peple in my possition. He has to accept that no questions.
So today was a new day. I cleaned the house, found the empty bottle of vodca i had kicked under the sofa on wednesday in a rage when i found him in a state...
So, me, im doing ok, emotional at inappropriate moments (in the que for milk at the shop when a child giggled in her buggy), also trying to accept his ability to just act as if everything is fabulous and normal, while im a wreck watching his every move...
i know soon i will have to stop watching him through the window while he gets wood from the shed (counting how many seconds it takes...is 25 seconds enough to drink a beer?)
Its hard isnt it, but i know its hard for him too, i know its not just a simple choice...
I will order that book from amazon now...thankyou so much....x
Yesterday was hard. didnt get to sleep until 8am, then up at 10 am....with dread. The day seemed strange, dreamlike, going over everythig in my head. Went down to the post box at the end of the lane, only to find a few beer cans in the field next to it...we re the only ones who live down here, wonder who they belong to?
The excuse turned out to be a lie from before....again. only 2 cans i promise.
So i got us in the car and we went for a drive to a lake. Sat in silence. Funny how a lake just remains the same for years, comforting really.
Finally we talked, although i could feel the resentment at me "forcing" him to talk....jaw clenching rose to a new high from him.
He saud he had come to a decision, that he would never drink again, that he could do it alone because he has before, that he needed that "last blow out" to show him....im sure you all have heard that before...i have.
So i held my tongue, told him i had his back...as usual.
I decided then i was going to start swimming again. I used to swim 3 times a week, i used to do yoga, i used to paint....used to do a lot of things.
He then said it would be good for him to join a gym, and i believe it will be. So i said..
"on wednesday im going to an al-anon meeting in town at 8.30, if you dont want to come with me then maybe i will drop you off at the gym while i go"
His chin hit the floor, "why are you going there? you might see someone who knows us!"
Oh my, how i wanted to say 100 things, but i just smiled and said i might, and that i needed to talk to peple in my possition. He has to accept that no questions.
So today was a new day. I cleaned the house, found the empty bottle of vodca i had kicked under the sofa on wednesday in a rage when i found him in a state...
So, me, im doing ok, emotional at inappropriate moments (in the que for milk at the shop when a child giggled in her buggy), also trying to accept his ability to just act as if everything is fabulous and normal, while im a wreck watching his every move...
i know soon i will have to stop watching him through the window while he gets wood from the shed (counting how many seconds it takes...is 25 seconds enough to drink a beer?)
Its hard isnt it, but i know its hard for him too, i know its not just a simple choice...
I will order that book from amazon now...thankyou so much....x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by buttondaisy 
Thankyou all so much for all this.....i feel humbled and so welcome....thankyou.
Yesterday was hard. didnt get to sleep until 8am, then up at 10 am....with dread. The day seemed strange, dreamlike, going over everythig in my head. Went down to the post box at the end of the lane, only to find a few beer cans in the field next to it...we re the only ones who live down here, wonder who they belong to?
The excuse turned out to be a lie from before....again. only 2 cans i promise.
So i got us in the car and we went for a drive to a lake. Sat in silence. Funny how a lake just remains the same for years, comforting really.
Finally we talked, although i could feel the resentment at me "forcing" him to talk....jaw clenching rose to a new high from him.
He saud he had come to a decision, that he would never drink again, that he could do it alone because he has before, that he needed that "last blow out" to show him....im sure you all have heard that before...i have.
So i held my tongue, told him i had his back...as usual.
I decided then i was going to start swimming again. I used to swim 3 times a week, i used to do yoga, i used to paint....used to do a lot of things.
He then said it would be good for him to join a gym, and i believe it will be. So i said..
"on wednesday im going to an al-anon meeting in town at 8.30, if you dont want to come with me then maybe i will drop you off at the gym while i go"
His chin hit the floor, "why are you going there? you might see someone who knows us!"
Oh my, how i wanted to say 100 things, but i just smiled and said i might, and that i needed to talk to peple in my possition. He has to accept that no questions.
So today was a new day. I cleaned the house, found the empty bottle of vodca i had kicked under the sofa on wednesday in a rage when i found him in a state...
So, me, im doing ok, emotional at inappropriate moments (in the que for milk at the shop when a child giggled in her buggy), also trying to accept his ability to just act as if everything is fabulous and normal, while im a wreck watching his every move...
i know soon i will have to stop watching him through the window while he gets wood from the shed (counting how many seconds it takes...is 25 seconds enough to drink a beer?)
Its hard isnt it, but i know its hard for him too, i know its not just a simple choice...
I will order that book from amazon now...thankyou so much....x
Yesterday was hard. didnt get to sleep until 8am, then up at 10 am....with dread. The day seemed strange, dreamlike, going over everythig in my head. Went down to the post box at the end of the lane, only to find a few beer cans in the field next to it...we re the only ones who live down here, wonder who they belong to?
The excuse turned out to be a lie from before....again. only 2 cans i promise.
So i got us in the car and we went for a drive to a lake. Sat in silence. Funny how a lake just remains the same for years, comforting really.
Finally we talked, although i could feel the resentment at me "forcing" him to talk....jaw clenching rose to a new high from him.
He saud he had come to a decision, that he would never drink again, that he could do it alone because he has before, that he needed that "last blow out" to show him....im sure you all have heard that before...i have.
So i held my tongue, told him i had his back...as usual.
I decided then i was going to start swimming again. I used to swim 3 times a week, i used to do yoga, i used to paint....used to do a lot of things.
He then said it would be good for him to join a gym, and i believe it will be. So i said..
"on wednesday im going to an al-anon meeting in town at 8.30, if you dont want to come with me then maybe i will drop you off at the gym while i go"
His chin hit the floor, "why are you going there? you might see someone who knows us!"
Oh my, how i wanted to say 100 things, but i just smiled and said i might, and that i needed to talk to peple in my possition. He has to accept that no questions.
So today was a new day. I cleaned the house, found the empty bottle of vodca i had kicked under the sofa on wednesday in a rage when i found him in a state...
So, me, im doing ok, emotional at inappropriate moments (in the que for milk at the shop when a child giggled in her buggy), also trying to accept his ability to just act as if everything is fabulous and normal, while im a wreck watching his every move...
i know soon i will have to stop watching him through the window while he gets wood from the shed (counting how many seconds it takes...is 25 seconds enough to drink a beer?)
Its hard isnt it, but i know its hard for him too, i know its not just a simple choice...
I will order that book from amazon now...thankyou so much....x
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Welcome to SR Buttondaisy.
I am so glad you found this place.
You are not betraying anyone by being here. It is your right to seek the information and support you need.
You love your man but do you trust and respect him?
Keep posting, tells us how you feel. We are here for you
I am so glad you found this place.
You are not betraying anyone by being here. It is your right to seek the information and support you need.
You love your man but do you trust and respect him?
Keep posting, tells us how you feel. We are here for you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
So your only in it a year or so?
You are in for one long and miserable life if you stay with him while he's an active alcoholic.
Did you see that Oprah where she said "always believe a person when they tell you who they are"...
Well he TOLD you who he was. A raging alcoholic and you didn't believe him. Now you do.
Unfortunately your emotionally invested and here you are.
I would suggest you read thru this forum. See what those of us have gone through with our spouses/bf/gf 's before you decide you want to hang around for the long haul with this guy. I wish I could tell you he's really going to quit and change his life but I can't and I personally think you need to get away from this situation as fast as you can...but also go to alnon as someone suggested to find out that even though he told you what he was you still found that acceptable (not calling you out; I'm saving you a seat! BTDT)
If I had known then everything my husband would put me through over the years I would have left him before I got in so deep.
You are in for one long and miserable life if you stay with him while he's an active alcoholic.
Did you see that Oprah where she said "always believe a person when they tell you who they are"...
Well he TOLD you who he was. A raging alcoholic and you didn't believe him. Now you do.
Unfortunately your emotionally invested and here you are.
I would suggest you read thru this forum. See what those of us have gone through with our spouses/bf/gf 's before you decide you want to hang around for the long haul with this guy. I wish I could tell you he's really going to quit and change his life but I can't and I personally think you need to get away from this situation as fast as you can...but also go to alnon as someone suggested to find out that even though he told you what he was you still found that acceptable (not calling you out; I'm saving you a seat! BTDT)
If I had known then everything my husband would put me through over the years I would have left him before I got in so deep.
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