Thankyou all so much for all this.....i feel humbled and so welcome....thankyou.
Yesterday was hard. didnt get to sleep until 8am, then up at 10 am....with dread. The day seemed strange, dreamlike, going over everythig in my head. Went down to the post box at the end of the lane, only to find a few beer cans in the field next to it...we re the only ones who live down here, wonder who they belong to?
The excuse turned out to be a lie from before....again. only 2 cans i promise.
So i got us in the car and we went for a drive to a lake. Sat in silence. Funny how a lake just remains the same for years, comforting really.
Finally we talked, although i could feel the resentment at me "forcing" him to talk....jaw clenching rose to a new high from him.
He saud he had come to a decision, that he would never drink again, that he could do it alone because he has before, that he needed that "last blow out" to show him....im sure you all have heard that before...i have.
So i held my tongue, told him i had his back...as usual.
I decided then i was going to start swimming again. I used to swim 3 times a week, i used to do yoga, i used to paint....used to do a lot of things.
He then said it would be good for him to join a gym, and i believe it will be. So i said..
"on wednesday im going to an al-anon meeting in town at 8.30, if you dont want to come with me then maybe i will drop you off at the gym while i go"
His chin hit the floor, "why are you going there? you might see someone who knows us!"
Oh my, how i wanted to say 100 things, but i just smiled and said i might, and that i needed to talk to peple in my possition. He has to accept that no questions.
So today was a new day. I cleaned the house, found the empty bottle of vodca i had kicked under the sofa on wednesday in a rage when i found him in a state...
So, me, im doing ok, emotional at inappropriate moments (in the que for milk at the shop when a child giggled in her buggy), also trying to accept his ability to just act as if everything is fabulous and normal, while im a wreck watching his every move...
i know soon i will have to stop watching him through the window while he gets wood from the shed (counting how many seconds it takes...is 25 seconds enough to drink a beer?)
Its hard isnt it, but i know its hard for him too, i know its not just a simple choice...
I will order that book from amazon now...thankyou so much....x