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Should I be doing this? I need some help please. Thankyou. Hi Ive only just joined here and i hope i am in the right place and doing this is right. I feel so guilty. I met my partner a year ago and we moved in together after about a month. He told me of his past in great detail, which i found refreshing as i was only used to lies before. He said he was a "raging alcoholic" which means he was a very heavy drinker, would drink for 3 weeks solid until his body couldn't take it anymore, then stop for a couple of weeks, then drink again for 3 and so on. He was heavily into drugs also and this was his life. His friends were the same, he has been homeless and lived in woods, been to prison etc. Then he found me. He had started to fix his life before he met me, started college etc...then he left his home city, which he called "toxic" and started a whole new life in the country with me. He did drink when he moved here, he drinks cans of beer, and would drink maybe 6 or 7 a night maybe 3 nights a week, i didnt notice at first, but soon noticed when i did the recycling and after 1 month of living with me he had filled 2 black refuse bags with cans, over 150 cans in 31 days. Since then its been a bit of a battle. He promises to stop, swears on peoples lives, says he has a problem, is so very very sorry for all the upset....and then he drinks again. When he drinks and we argue he becomes a jeckyll and hyde, is really nasty, says awful things to me, says its worse than prison been with me, that he doesnt have a problem that its only a couple of cans and he can control himself....then the next day is all sorry and promises all over again to not do it again. Last sunday he took a trip into town and came back, i knew he had had a drink because he couldnt walk properly and his eyes were different, i asked him for a kiss and could smell the beer. I blew up at him, i know i shouldnt, but not only did he drink, he drove home afterwards...this is something i cant deal with. Once again a big row, and once again next day all the sorrys...but this time was different for me. I felt empty and betrayed. Ive heard it so many times, been through it over and over....always the same. Today is wednesday which is only 3 days since he had a drink....i came home early from food shopping and when i came in the door he looked nervous, the place is a tip, he ran upstairs and i knew. I followed him and asked him for a kiss...he had been drinking in the house again. I found the bag containing the empty cans and also a small bottle of vodka which he said he never drinks. He was drunk and tried to pack a bag and leave...but i made him hold onto me and said i wouldnt let him go, that i wouldnt give up on him. he has a beautiful soul, and i feel terrible writting about him on here...i just dont know where to go, what to do, who to talk to. His family has 2 alcoholics that i know of, his mum and his brother. He has known it all his life, its his culture and he enjoys a drink he says. My brother is a recovering alcoholic, my auntie died from it and my best friend is also in recovery and doing so well. I kind of know what im talking about, but he thinks im just a nag, that im dictating his life.....he is now upstairs sleeping it off. I feel so low, so alone, i have no one to talk to... |
You are in the right place. The details might be different, but ALL of us here know exactly what you are feeling, because we've been there. DON'T feel guilty, don't feel "terrible about writing" here, just know that learning as much as you can about alcoholism, and looking after YOURSELF is the best thing you can do--for him, but more importantly, for you. Read the stickies above. Read the posts. You'll see yourself and your ABF in them, and you'll learn. And memorize the three Cs: You didn't cause it You can't control it You can't cure it |
hi buttondaisy and WELCOME to SR. I'm glad you found this place. There's load of support here and it's always open. I know you love your partner but let me post for you the 3 C's of addiction, in case you didn't already know: You didn't CAUSE the drinking You can't CURE the drinking You can't CONTROL the drinking. **NOTHING** you say or do, or don't say or don't do, can change your partner. You simply do not have that power. Only he can decide when he's had enough. The only thing left to do is focus on the most important person in your life: you....because if you don't take care of yourself, who will? Re-reading your post, I can see you're on a rollercoaster ride. We've all been on it, over and over....drinking episode, followed by hangover and apologies, a few days of honeymoon, then weird behaviour begins, then hiding stuff, and then drinking all over again. Lather, rinse, repeat. You don't need to be on that ride. You can choose to get off. I STRONGLY recommend finding an Al-Anon meeting in your area and attending a few meetings to see what feels right. There's nothing like having face to face support from those who've been where you are now. I also encourage you to read the Classic Reading stickies at the top of the Friends and Family forum. There's a great deal of wisdom to be found there... Please keep posting and reading as much as you like! |
The details might be different, but ALL of us here know exactly what you are feeling, because we've been there. DON'T feel guilty, don't feel "terrible about writing" here, just know that learning as much as you can about alcoholism, and looking after YOURSELF is the best thing you can do--for him, but more importantly, for you. When I joined here, I read posts for months because I felt like a traitor for saying anything about my AH. I was doubting myself even defining him as an alcoholic. Talk to us. Read about other people's experiences. Just hanging out with other people who have gone through similar things does make you feel less alone, less crazy, less powerless. Scout's honors. |
Glad you have found us. Solomio is right, read and post and you will find answers, and support and so many stories just like yours. Please focus on yourself, and what you can do so that your happiness is not tied up in his behavior. It sounded impossible to me at first too, but I have been here lurking and then posting for over a year, and I have learned so much. Al Anon has been very helpful as well. There is nothing, there is no amount of begging or pleading, or yelling or just loving an alcoholic that will change their behavior. Take comfort in that. It is not up to you. You cannot help him. Help yourself instead. |
Welcome! |
I feel so humble, just been reading a bit on here. Thankyou so much. cant see the screen! Sat with a fire and watching my small new pup, button, play with my one eyed cat, jack....they seem so happy, so content.... I read just now about norrmies? i think thats the word, how a normie wouldnt hide their purse, or check for hidden booze, or check my meds to see if any have gone, or notice that smell.....it all clicks into place......thankyou for this place.....thankyou x |
Stick around and keep posting there is allot to learn and plenty of help and understanding here. |
Here's a good sticky from the "best of" section I like to share with newcomers. I followed each suggestion as if my sanity depended on it. I hope it helps you as much as it did me. Keep posting! http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2051022 |
Great link Jazzman - thanks! Very helpful! Buttondaisy...you are definitely not alone now that you are here! I am new here and I have gotten so much support and insight. It has been my experience that alcoholics always blame everyone else for their misery. Logically you know it is not your fault, but it is awful hard to listen to them day in and day out. I understand. Keep posting and reading. There is a ton of info here. Welcome to SR! |
Welcome to SR and as you've seen, you're in the right place. Many of us have seen the exact scene. Many of us measure the roller coaster ride in terms of years. Keep on reading and keep on posting. |
(((((Buttondaisy))))) I am glad you found us, but sorry for the reasons you had to. Welcome to SR! You have found a GREAT place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are, or are where you are now. As already has been said, it is up to you when you want to get off the ROLLER COASTER, and yes it is a roller coaster ride, that has a lot of downs and some ups. Only he can decide when he has had enough and until then the cycle will continue, getting drunk, arguing, apologizing the next day, and it does get old and stale. AlAnon has been suggested, try at least 6 different meetings to see if one or two 'fit' better than the others. If you find that AlAnon is not for you (and some do) then maybe try therapy or a counselor, preferably one that specializes in addiction. Please continue to post here and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much. Love and hugs, |
You are in the right place, Buttondaisy. :grouphug: One of the biggest powers of this forum is that you're not alone, there's people here who understand exactly what you're going through. The details may be different, but the underlying current is the same. He has to make the decision for himself, when he's ready to quit. You can't decide for him, you can't push him towards it - he'll start doing the right thing, out of resentment or with intentions to manipulate, but his heart won't be in it so it won't work. He has to go for himself. And you need to focus on yourself, and healing yourself from the stress and destruction that is caused when coming too close to an alcoholic. :grouphug: |
ButtonDaisy....It sounds to me as if when he met you he knew right away you would cover for him and help him continue drinking and drugging. You enable him. I personally think that he is taking advantage of your good nature ! Just my humble opinion... You need to take care of you. |
Thankyou all so much. I only found my way here today, and i feel i have discovered a beautiful corner of the world that i didnt know exsisted. I had an "emosional eppisode" in the yr 2000 and went down a dark plughole for so long, but clawed my way out and saw the sunshine again, this is why i think i try so hard to make things right for him, cook him his fave food, buy him clothes he needs, make his tea every morning when i hear him waking...i try so hard every day to make the day go well just so he wont feel any need to be down, or take a secret trip up the lane to the shop....because i knew just the smallest thing that went wrong could make ME want to damn the world and curl away from reality when i was in that dark....But, my problems are so very different to his, my reasons and triggers for deppression are totally different to alcoholism....it was my mistake to try to help him "be well" because i find myself now getting the breathless panicky feelings all over again, what have i done wrong? what can i do to help him? everyday these same questions. The answer is coming, it seems it has to do with him and not me.....if i dont make his tea, or complain that the paths outside need sweeping it doesnt mean it would then be my fault if he drank...it is his choice. I hope i am making sense. He came downstairs after sleeping it off earlier....so sorry, head down, "you deserve so much better than me, youre too good for me, i will never cause you pain like this again" to which i replied (after reading this amazing place for a couple of hours) "its not me who you should be worried about, i will be fine, its you tht you should worry about....will you be fine? what you do is your choice....you go buy it, you hand over the money, you choose to open it and drink it, and you choose to lie about it, and hide it....but who is been lied to really?" I dont know what i expected his reply to be, i suppose i hoped it would be along the lines of "youre right, i do have a problem" And that is what he said, but, its what he always says...... He is very sorry, he held me and promised he wouldnt ever ever ever ever do it again....and my shoulders sagged, i leaned into him, the man i love dearly, who is the kindest guy (when not drinking) and i closed my eyes...he said he loved me, and i asked "do you love yourself?" and he replied "im trying"... this said to me that i think he cant truly love me, the way love should be, if he cant love himself...am i wrong? Iwill stay, i will do my best not to enable, but its so hard not to shout and scream, so hard not to say "but you said you loved me!"..... Later he came clean about a lot of stuff....he has hidden drinking from me on quite a number of occasions, he thinks im a bit stupid, because he actually thought he could hide it, the slurring, the smell, the "trying so very hard to walk normaly" walk... He came clean about some "pills" his friend was *going* to send in the post to him, but he called it off...do i believe him? no. Do i believe he will never touch another drop? but can anybody promise such things? no...one day at a time....because a day leads to a week, which leads to a month.... I am sorry for my ramblings, i hvn't been able to say any of this before, and to fianlly say them, even though it it hard, like im betraying, it is such a relife...thankyou... tomorow is a brand new day, given to us fresh and clean at midnight....it is up to us what we do with that beautiful gift..... |
You are right, they hate themselves more than we can ever imagine, and are incapable of loving us or giving us anything close to true intimacy while they are active in their addiction. There can be no intimacy, no real close emotional connection with an active alcoholic. They cannot be honest and true with us until they can be honest and true with themselves. |
But what mkes my throat go tight is the look on his face, the absolute dishevelment....he looks so worn and....old? It akes me want to bundle him up and put him in my pocket and make him safe...this is so very wrong i know. I love him...i want to protect him and in one easy swift movement make all the bad go away...but i cant! I know inside it is not my job. It is not my resposability. But my heart...my darn stupid heart... when we are outside together, with the chickens and goats, walking, or stacking wood, laughing at jokes or silly things, i look at him out of the corner of my eye and see the man i love, the man he really is...and for that small time i want to stop time...just hold it right there..... then he will secretly drink. and that small fragile bit of trust that grew is gone...again....and after, when we hug, in my heart i cant help thinking " is this real, am i been a fool, is it really worth it?"....then before i know it, we are out there agin chatting about spring and the veg we will grow...up down up down... I know i shouldnt take it so personally. but it sure feels that way. am i wrong? am i been selfish? i feel selfish writing all this, i kind of feel like a "poor me"... im looking at him right now watching and laughing at a sky tv show....as if nothing happened today, like it was a dream...he seems so calm and ok...while im here feeling rubbish with a big headache, sore eyes and numb. strange. |
Oh ButtonDaisy, there is so much I want to tell you. So many things I want to say about him. And about you. And what is happening to you. But I know that it is probably too much all at once. Can I ask you one thing? All that love you give him, All the caring and caretaking and hugging and accomodating HIM, all the energy and resources you expend on HIM, can you see that all of that is really meant for YOU? That you are giving to someone else, someone who cannot give back, what you are meant to give yourself? I am so sorry you are in this situation. I want to come there and get you away from him. Because I know this man, many times over. And I know what he has done, what he is doing, and what he will do. Please go to AlAnon. And please keep reading and posting here. |
You've had a tough day, ButtonDaisy, so I just want to say "Welcome!" and to let you know you are among friends who understand all you are going through. There is no great hurry to decide what you will do about your situation. SR is open 24/7/365 and we are here to support you as you awaken to the reality that is addiction. It's tough business but you are definitely not alone. ((((Hugs)))) |
But what mkes my throat go tight is the look on his face, the absolute dishevelment....he looks so worn and....old? It akes me want to bundle him up and put him in my pocket and make him safe...this is so very wrong i know. I love him...i want to protect him and in one easy swift movement make all the bad go away...but i cant! I know inside it is not my job. It is not my resposability. But my heart...my darn stupid heart... when we are outside together, with the chickens and goats, walking, or stacking wood, laughing at jokes or silly things, i look at him out of the corner of my eye and see the man i love, the man he really is...and for that small time i want to stop time...just hold it right there.... WOW - thatis exactly how I used to let myself feel about my brothers. So funny, warm, talented, handsome, full of life.....and then so horrible, drunk, smelly, depressed and hungover, and lying. Up, down, up, down is right! AlAnon really helped me get my head around alcoholism and how deeply it was affecting me. My father was an A and I had really learned my codependent lessons well! I used to think like this too: i try so hard every day to make the day go well just so he wont feel any need to be down, or take a secret trip up the lane to the shop... That's a lot of good energy and effort spent on another person and so far what have been the results? For him? For you? Believe what you see! It is not easy. It can be painful. But there is hope for YOU!! So glad you found SR - collectively here we've seen everything and you are not alone! Stick around!! ((((((hugs)))))) Peace- B |
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