lillamy

Just wanted you to let you know I'm thinking of you and taking deep breaths on your behalf today.

Please check in when you have time and let us know how things are going. And remember that no matter how difficult it might be right now, you're making wise decisions for everybody involved.

nodaybut2day

Ditto. I'm praying for you and your little one.

jayscott

Oh my, it touched my heart to login today and see a thread with my name on it. I feel like I've gone through the looking glass and back...last night was a surreal experience. Shortly after my last post, my AW came down to confront me about hiding her alcohol (which I hadn't...she just couldn't remember where she left it). In the middle of this, I saw our flip camera sitting on the table so I walked over and grabbed it and said that I was going to record the conversation.

It took her a minute to realize what was happening, but when she did she approached me and began trying to physically take the camera away from me. This went on for 10 or 15 minutes, getting increasingly physical until she started making verbal threats and ripping at my clothes. Called the cops. She shoved me a couple times.

Cops get there, write a report. I take the baby to a hotel for the night because they said they couldn't force her to leave the house. I drove this morning with the baby to the lawyer's office, got my papers, drove to the courthouse, filed them, drove to a daycare center, setup care to start next Monday.

Through all of her screaming, she still believes she will get custody and child support. When she told me to leave and I said that I live here, and that she doesn't control me, she laughed and said that she's always controlled me. That I've always been "her puppet." That she finds it hilarious that I'll have to pay her alimony.

The sad part is that I recognize that I was being controlled, and for a long time. I just never thought that she would admit it out loud.

Shellcrusher

Sorry to hear about that evening but also thankful that you were pushed to some point of taking appropriate action and protecting your kiddo and yourself.
I've seen similar scenes in my house with my AW.

Keep your chin up brother. You've been in many peoples thoughts today.

Verbena

Good for you jayscott. You are taking your life back.

jayscott

How about some positive words for a change...the little guy LOVES the daycare experience. And he made me the most popular guy in the waiting line at the family court clerk's office!

lillamy

jay,

Your post touched my heart. I came home when my son was 6 months old and found him and my AH the same way you found your wife and child: The "responsible" adult passed out drunk, the baby having the free reign of the house.

It took me another 16 years to get out of that relationship. I feel like I can breathe easier knowing that you won't have to live in that hell, and that your child will not have to suffer the way mine did. Thoughts & prayers & good vibes & whatever good thoughts you prefer go with you.

jayscott

I know the next week is going to be hell, but it feels like there's no turning back now and it feels really good to have a decision made. The hard part is going to be getting her to move out of the house, it'll require a court hearing and whatnot but it sounds like we can make that happen sometime next week.

wicked

jayscott,

That is fantastic news. He loves the daycare. He will get a lot of attention there, and not be neglected. How wonderful for him and for you.



Of course he was the most popular guy in the waiting line at family court. I know I would be glad to see a happy baby at family court. I have been many times, but no happy babies.



I am so pleased for both of you.

Beth

coffeedrinker

you got that right, mr.

you will not turn back, it will be hard. but way worth it.

peace, brother, we're with ya

catlovermi

Domestic and emotional abuse take many forms, and abuse of women toward men is not on the "radar" much of society.

I'd just like to point out that this attitude, these behaviors are abusive.

Abuse doesn't have to mean being beaten black and blue, cowering in a corner bloodied up.

Change is in the air, now, and your son will have an entirely different life, now, due to the changes. You have acted as responsible father in the highest capacity.

Sending encouragement,

CLMI

vujade

I remember the out-of-body feeling I had when I sent XAH on his way. It absolutely SUCKED for the first two weeks but once the initial trauma was over, I felt a peace I hadn't experiences for years.

Wishing you much strength in the coming days. Sounds like you have a good sense of direction and will be making some forward progress...that always helps.

Hug your little man for all of us!

Tally

You're being very brave, the babby is lucky to have you for a father. xx

LexieCat

Jay,

I'm just catching up on these latest developments.

Sometimes it's a mercy when things escalate JUST ENOUGH that a course of action becomes clear.

Congratulations on taking the necessary steps. You seem like a very sensible guy. This won't be easy, but it will be a lot easier than continuing as you had been.

seekingcalm

I just want to say how wonderful for you to take the steps you have for yourself and your baby boy

My best thoughts go out to you during this difficult, but oh so worthwhile time.

jayscott

Predictably, now that she's sober and the consequences are barreling down like an avalanche she is trying every possible idea to change my mind. Even offered to go back to rehab last night. I might have thought it was sincere if she didn't ask for a written commitment to not divorce her in return...

catlovermi

To promise anything to an addict/alcoholic is an unfair equation to you, because they are unable to make any promises.

CLMI

LexieCat

Heh, (not that it's funny ha-ha)

I'd like to see someone try to enforce a written commitment not to divorce them!

You're right, she's desperate. But she's still bargaining with her disease. I hope, for your daughter's sake, she chooses to recover. But recovery doesn't come with guarantees that it will save your marriage, your job, or even your life.

jayscott

I keep telling myself that a true "breakthrough" for her will be when she decides to get help for herself, without any prodding from me or without requesting any reciprocal promises or commitments...when she's doing it for herself and no other reason. I didn't fully appreciate how difficult it was going to be to hold firm with myself on this, even after filing for divorce; it's painful to see all the grief in her eyes.

At the same time, my neck is still sore from three days ago when she kept trying to forcibly take a video camera away from me so I'm not easily forgetting recent events. And yet I already miss our good days. Such a strange dynamic.

tjp613

I know it's hard to "see the grief in her eyes" and I am very sorry it has come to this Just try to remember this one thing: This is the most important and effective thing you can do to HELP her ...AND the entire family! You see that, too, don't you? It really is the best solution right now...it just sucks so bad. And yes, THIS is the hardest part...to stand firm in the midst of all the bargaining and pleading. When you're feeling weak in the knees, just come here and read some of the posts in the Children of Alcoholics forum...or posts made by spouses who suffer with PTSD and myriad other health problems because of the unrelenting stress endured over the years of living with an active alcoholic.

One day at a time, sweetie.