jayscott
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
There are options. I wouldn't sign anything that is for sure.
She can go to job service and get a job. That is what most adults do when they need income. Of course alcoholics, IME, rarely come to that conclusion.
She can sign up for low income housing. I discovered that unemployed alcoholics can get an apartment for $25/month. The divorce petition had already been filed and I think he showed that for proof so my income did not count.
She can call someone else to sign for her.
She could always go to rehab.
Where I live support orders are verifiable income. Do you anticipate that happening?
Do you have cash lying around? If you think you'll end up splitting $$ in half anyway you could have the lawyer do whatever they need to do to say that x savings was split prior (so that you don't have to split the remainder again) so she has some cash. You'd need to talk to you lawyer to get advice on if that was wise or not. I did something similar - it was his retirement $$ that he cashed in. Not that she would use the cash wisely (my xah didn't) but it was enough to make it possible for him to pull it off and I felt OK with myself.
I've made some poor decisions (enabling ones) so wait for further feedback
She can go to job service and get a job. That is what most adults do when they need income. Of course alcoholics, IME, rarely come to that conclusion.
She can sign up for low income housing. I discovered that unemployed alcoholics can get an apartment for $25/month. The divorce petition had already been filed and I think he showed that for proof so my income did not count.
She can call someone else to sign for her.
She could always go to rehab.
Where I live support orders are verifiable income. Do you anticipate that happening?
Do you have cash lying around? If you think you'll end up splitting $$ in half anyway you could have the lawyer do whatever they need to do to say that x savings was split prior (so that you don't have to split the remainder again) so she has some cash. You'd need to talk to you lawyer to get advice on if that was wise or not. I did something similar - it was his retirement $$ that he cashed in. Not that she would use the cash wisely (my xah didn't) but it was enough to make it possible for him to pull it off and I felt OK with myself.
I've made some poor decisions (enabling ones) so wait for further feedback
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Thumper is right in that there are options. Please don't let her convince you that you are the only one who can help her. There are plenty of options out there. She may not especially like them, but that's also not your problem.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
Holding tight with the money for now. There is cash in the bank, but not in an account that she has access to. It's a community property state though so she'll almost definitely get something, and she's pretty likely to get a temporary support order. California formula is 40% of my net income as a starting point (ouch).
She's also trying to sign an 8-month lease, which I don't understand at ALL. Last thing I would want to do at a time like this is commit myself to a long-term contract like that. So exhausting...I might talk to her parents and see if she could go back there for a while.
She's also trying to sign an 8-month lease, which I don't understand at ALL. Last thing I would want to do at a time like this is commit myself to a long-term contract like that. So exhausting...I might talk to her parents and see if she could go back there for a while.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
I should add that she has been looking for a job for a couple of weeks now, in that she's submitted some applications. I'm going to wait and see what happens in court on Thursday; if they say I need to pay support for now, then that's what happens, but I'm not going to do all the work for her. (She said it was "my job" to setup her utilities and renters insurance because she doesn't have any money or income.)
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by jayscott 
So exhausting...I might talk to her parents and see if she could go back there for a while.
This is when I had the mantra 'Enabling is what I do for others who can not do it for themselves.' and I literally sat down with that each and every time I was going to do something to affect his life. It was quite sobering because I began to realize how much I did - and how much that damaged both of us in the long run.
She is a woman with at least an average IQ, she can think, read, write, and use the phone. She can figure this out.
Basically if I could figure it out, then so could he.
You have enough of your own stuff to figure out.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Originally Posted by jayscott
(She said it was "my job" to setup her utilities and renters insurance because she doesn't have any money or income.)
She can also go to some temp agencies and find work until she finds something permanent. She is not helpless.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Phew!
Hunker down brother. Seems like the dust is settling and she's starting to go into survival mode which historically meant manipulating you.
You made the move to improve your life so stay focused on you and the lad.
Hunker down brother. Seems like the dust is settling and she's starting to go into survival mode which historically meant manipulating you.
You made the move to improve your life so stay focused on you and the lad.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
So.....she's basically doing everything BUT rehab, eh? Interesting. I guess this is where you she what's she's really made of. I can't wait to see what the judge says on Thursday! I wouldn't sign anything until after that hearing, if at all.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
Well, what an interesting day it's turning out to be...she went on Facebook and changed her status to Single. THAT should get the family talking.
Got a phone call from one of her friends, who called her when she saw the status change; turns out that her friend has an AH (I had no idea) and she just left him because of his drinking.
Got a phone call from one of her friends, who called her when she saw the status change; turns out that her friend has an AH (I had no idea) and she just left him because of his drinking.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
Originally Posted by Jazzman
Well she sure showed you! Take that!...
how mature...
how mature...
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
You need to put some people to work on this or you'll get flooded.
You mentioned that both your Mom and MIL know about this. I'm sure they know what you're doing and what's really going on. They should probably start making calls to the rest of the family so they aren't trying to contact you. When the sh#t hit the fan in my house, I told my parents to make sure the rest of my family did not call me. I didn't need to do any further explaining to anyone.
It's funneling information through the right channels so you can focus on the solution.
Otherwise, turn your phone off.
I don't know what to say about the suicide threats. My AW said the same thing. I reacted. I called her therapist and mother and let them work it out. It turned out to be BS manipulation.
You mentioned that both your Mom and MIL know about this. I'm sure they know what you're doing and what's really going on. They should probably start making calls to the rest of the family so they aren't trying to contact you. When the sh#t hit the fan in my house, I told my parents to make sure the rest of my family did not call me. I didn't need to do any further explaining to anyone.
It's funneling information through the right channels so you can focus on the solution.
Otherwise, turn your phone off.
I don't know what to say about the suicide threats. My AW said the same thing. I reacted. I called her therapist and mother and let them work it out. It turned out to be BS manipulation.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
You can always call 911 on her. Let the professionals deal with it. If it's a real threat, they can help her, and if it's not, she won't be quick to pull that manipulative crap again.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Things will get very intense with her behavior - or at least that was my experience. Be prepared. This is not your responsibility, not your obligation, not your deal. Her meltdown is not your crisis.
If she needs help *for real* she'll quit hanging up on her parents.
My advice would be to turn the phone off and stay away from facebook.
ETA: I also agree with Shellcrusher - one phone call to the right person and they can put the rest of the family in the know if that is necessary.
Also agree that if she is making suicide threats, call it in. If she is manipulating you she'll stop and if she isn't, you need to call. Calling is a good move no matter what her motives are.
If she needs help *for real* she'll quit hanging up on her parents.
My advice would be to turn the phone off and stay away from facebook.
ETA: I also agree with Shellcrusher - one phone call to the right person and they can put the rest of the family in the know if that is necessary.
Also agree that if she is making suicide threats, call it in. If she is manipulating you she'll stop and if she isn't, you need to call. Calling is a good move no matter what her motives are.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by suki44883
You can always call 911 on her. Let the professionals deal with it. If it's a real threat, they can help her, and if it's not, she won't be quick to pull that manipulative crap again.
I'm not sure how to say this but should you call 911 due to a suicide threat, she would be dealt with. It would be yet another unstable situation which is not good for your child and can only help prove the custody issue you're dealing with. I suspect she'd be under a psych watch or hospital evaluation which gets you 1 more day or more before court.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Brick, NJ
Posts: 52
Jay, my AH called me at night from his motel room saying he "just wanted to die" "I have nothing, I want to lay down and die". I really thought he was suicidal and I let him back home. He attended a few meetings, and a few months later, the "wash, rinse, repeat cycle started again. I also wanted to mention that earlier in your post you said she tried to negotiate with you when she heard about court. My AH tried to negotiate with me in the hallway of the courthouse 5 minutes before court started. She might try that. Good Luck
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