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Does anyone else feel alone?

Old 12-26-2010, 04:08 AM
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Does anyone else feel alone?

Merry Christmas SR!

I had a bit of a rough day. Had christmas with my family and both of my cousins have just had babies. Both are married and have been with their partners for a long time. Comments were made about when would I be having a baby... Well seeming as though xABF and I broke up this year after 4 years living together, I dont think I would be having a baby anytime soon. The comments kind of ruined my day and upset me. Its the first Christmas I woke up alone with no one around and I didn't need to be reminded of what I have lost this year.

It made me think of how alone I am. I have friends but they aren't the type of friends that I see apart from lunch on occasion or at work. I spend the weekend alone in my house just doing bits and pieces but I do have my puppy dogs who are my saviors and bring me serenity.

I have seen xABF a couple of time recently. He really is still off the rails and is worse than ever. He is back drinking again and taking a mixture of drugs on top. At 29 I think he is a lost cause and I don't think he will ever get his [email protected]*t together. He admitted that in recovery they say you have to help yourself but he isn't interested in doing that so he doesn't think he will ever get better.

The thing is tho that he was my best friend and we did everything (except for drink and drugs) together. I really miss spending time with him (obviously when he isn't wasted) and am really feeling alone.

I want to meet someone so that it will take my mind of him and give me some hope that I could have a family one day. I know that xABF and I cant get back together as he is such a mess but I miss my friend. He always used to tell me that it was my fault I put all my eggs in one basket (him) and that I should go out and find other friends not just hang out with him all the time, but we used to have fun together playing tennis, walking to dogs or laughing at our shows. I did meet some friends at the gym and asked to come along to some of their parties but they never send me an invitation so now I'm feeling excluded from them.

I feel like I'm becoming more and more introverted. I spend most of my time when I'm not at work alone. I do like the quiet after the chaos I have been through but I'm not going to ever meet anyone hanging out at home but I don't have anyone to go out with. I know xABF spends alot of time alone but he is such a self centered person that he likes to make his life all about him and has no time for anyone else, even his dogs really. When you talk to him he talks all about himself and doesn't ask anything about you. I believe that he is a narcissist. Being around him doesn't make me feel good about myself, but it does mean that I'm not alone.

I dont have any plans for new years and will probably end up spending it home alone with my dogs. Is that depressing?

Just want to know if anyone has been in the same situation as I'm in and if so what did u do to meet people?

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas
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Old 12-26-2010, 04:26 AM
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how about checking out one of those "dating" sites? That's how I met my husband. It was quite out of accident. I had no intention to date anyone at that time, and I started to correspond with my husband and we fell in love.

At least with online relationships you can just delete them if you feel they're weird or something strange is there.

I lived in New York City at that time and I always wondered why I couldn't find anyone in a city with millions of people. But I did find someone, and he didn't live in NYC. I eventually moved to live with him in his state and that was wonderful cause I wanted to get out of that city anyway.

Best wishes, I know holidays are the worst and loneliness sets in like a bad virus.

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Old 12-26-2010, 05:12 AM
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Dear Katie

Thank you for the honest post. I think most of us can relate to what you are talking about in terms of the empty lonely feeling that follows the break up of a relationship. I had it intensely after a divorce and it still sometimes returns to trouble me, especially when I'm at gatherings where there are a lot of couples.

I remain single and sometimes that's frustrating. But I don't feel anything like as bad as I used to do. Partly, that's because I am making a lot of good friends in AA as I move towards recovery. I am also involved in a church where I have met new people and that's been helpful. Last year I even joined a gardening club for a while which was fun. All of these things would have been very out of character for me before because I was a person who thought the only place to really socialise was inside a bar and if that wasn't possible I preferred to isolate myself, drink alone and listen to heartbreak music.

I try to start each day now with prayer and medidation and take myself to as many group functions as I can, even if I don't really want to go. And I have tried to stop thinking about looking for a partner all the time. As I recover and grow stronger and as I learn to accept God's love, my self-esteem has been rising and my loneliness has diminished very considerably.

To be honest I am still not sure I am ready for another relationship, even though I want one. At the moment, I am concentrating on finding God's will for me in other areas of my life and dealing with the self-destructive thought processes that drew me to addiction and this site in the first place. When I feel my recovery is more solid, I can then start to open my heart to another person in a loving relationship which could last. But that's a little further down the path for me. At the moment, I am happy with being single and enjoying a life in which I go to strive to be sober, outward-looking and understanding towards others.
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Old 12-26-2010, 07:01 AM
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This will sound like it's coming from left field, but it's not, actually.

Have you ever considered being a volunteer for a dog rescue group? They always need more help, are full of wonderful people, have a great mission, and they have all sorts of tasks - from fostering, to reviewing paperwork, to creating public relations publications, to interviewing potential adopters, to homechecks, to evaluations of dogs to be pulled from shelters, etc.

Just planting a seed....

CLMI
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Old 12-26-2010, 09:35 AM
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The thing is tho that he was my best friend and we did everything (except for drink and drugs) together. I really miss spending time with him (obviously when he isn't wasted) and am really feeling alone.

I want to meet someone so that it will take my mind of him and give me some hope that I could have a family one day. I know that xABF and I cant get back together as he is such a mess but I miss my friend. He always used to tell me that it was my fault I put all my eggs in one basket (him) and that I should go out and find other friends not just hang out with him all the time, but we used to have fun together playing tennis, walking to dogs or laughing at our shows. I did meet some friends at the gym and asked to come along to some of their parties but they never send me an invitation so now I'm feeling excluded from them.
My ex said something similar to me...putting all the eggs in one basket. But he wanted the world to revolve around him. He would even show me with fists, "This is how it is...me...and the world." And as for his telling you about himself and never asking about you...same thing here too. He would send me little updates on how he was doing or how his friends were doing. (His friends that also couldn't care less about me.)

I joined a women's golf group. That's been a lot of fun. Other than that, I'm still isolating myself a lot. I'm kind of afraid to get back out there after all the crap I dealt with.

Have you ever went to meetup dot com? It's a free social site - you join groups based on your interests and meet up to do them. A free way to meet people so it's not like a date.
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Old 12-26-2010, 04:06 PM
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What are everyones experiences usin daring sites or meetup? I've always been hesitant to sign up to a dating site.
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Old 12-26-2010, 04:30 PM
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Hi katie
I can completely relate to the lonliness. I have my son, but he is 13 and likes to do "guy" stuff with his father..... I guess I rely on my 3 cats and dog. Unconditional love. Sad part is that I don't work. I am alone 24/7. i will be divorcing soon and then I will just be existing. I like CLMI's advice. It sounds like a good idea for you. As for you xabf .... Don't you think you were just as lonely when you were with him as you were without? From your description of him, it sounds like you are better off without him.
You are in my thoughts!!!
Britta
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Old 12-26-2010, 04:54 PM
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Originally Posted by endlesspatience View Post
Dear Katie

Thank you for the honest post. I think most of us can relate to what you are talking about in terms of the empty lonely feeling that follows the break up of a relationship. I had it intensely after a divorce and it still sometimes returns to trouble me, especially when I'm at gatherings where there are a lot of couples.

I remain single and sometimes that's frustrating. But I don't feel anything like as bad as I used to do. Partly, that's because I am making a lot of good friends in AA as I move towards recovery. I am also involved in a church where I have met new people and that's been helpful. Last year I even joined a gardening club for a while which was fun. All of these things would have been very out of character for me before because I was a person who thought the only place to really socialise was inside a bar and if that wasn't possible I preferred to isolate myself, drink alone and listen to heartbreak music.

I try to start each day now with prayer and medidation and take myself to as many group functions as I can, even if I don't really want to go. And I have tried to stop thinking about looking for a partner all the time. As I recover and grow stronger and as I learn to accept God's love, my self-esteem has been rising and my loneliness has diminished very considerably.

To be honest I am still not sure I am ready for another relationship, even though I want one. At the moment, I am concentrating on finding God's will for me in other areas of my life and dealing with the self-destructive thought processes that drew me to addiction and this site in the first place. When I feel my recovery is more solid, I can then start to open my heart to another person in a loving relationship which could last. But that's a little further down the path for me. At the moment, I am happy with being single and enjoying a life in which I go to strive to be sober, outward-looking and understanding towards others.
^^^^^THIS all sounds almost like a "how to get better the right way" manual.

I also tend to isolate, and sometimes have to make myself go to get togethers, and I lean heavily toward my friends I've made in recovery. But I'm pretty happy to be by myself.

Been married more than my share of times, and have a child and a cat, so.......I'm pretty content with life like it is, for me.

All great suggestions Endlessp.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 12-27-2010, 06:14 PM
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to me...its all normal....that we dont take life for granted....you are a good person and dont need the endless crap that people give you...find something you enjoy...yes I love volunteering and it does wonders for my spirit indeed.....this is YOU time...find YOU
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Old 12-27-2010, 06:20 PM
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I am in a similar spot, and have been so angry with myself for letting my life get to the point where I had so few friends. I have been thinking of ways to meet other women, still married to RAH, although I can't imagine dating anyway. It has made me think about what I like doing, and where I can go to meet people who are interested in the same thing. I have a long way to go.
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Old 12-27-2010, 09:21 PM
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Yes, I feel alone too. I am alone in an adult companion/friend way but never alone in the real way because I have kids. That is weird because I long to be alone and without the endless chatter and chores and feeding of small people , but then I feel lonely and lost on the very rare occasion that I am.

It was lonely this Christmas to not have someone to share their joys and talk about their happiness with. When the day was done and they were asleep I was all alone and I wanted to share my day. Someone to relax with.
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Old 12-28-2010, 07:43 AM
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I do sometimes, although like thumper, I'm never really alone with the kids and that drives an exhaustion that can bring me down. I am pretty happy with my own company, I so rarely am not at work/caring for kids, that solitude is welcome. But when life happens, kids get sick, I am sick, I can't get to the local shop 50 yds away to get milk because the kids are in bed, or there are big decisions to make. Then I really miss what I imagine a caring, adult, equal partner could bring. Some one to take over some of the responsibility, someone to bounce ideas off of.

My step-brother keeps suggesting I join dating sites etc, because he did very soon after splitting with his wife. I know he is only trying to be kind, and I know he and some other family members pity me my single status, but I honestly don't care, they can pity all they want, they have no idea of the complete daily nightmare that my relationship became, and I am grateful every day that I am no longer in it.

I am not ready and don't have the time for a new relationship, or even to explore new friendships. I know I lose myself in relationships so completely and I am still reeling from the last decade, I need to know what I like and want out of life more before I try and test out if that fits with another persons needs and expectations. There are times when I think I will be single for ever. Sometimes I am OK with that, sometimes that brings sadness. But I don't really know what the future holds, so I'm trying to shelve worrying about it.
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Old 12-28-2010, 09:36 AM
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I read endlesspatience post and thought I was reading my own story. I'm going through a divorce right now due to my alcoholism and infidelity. It's a tough time for me being that the holidays are supposed to be a time of joy and I'm alone. I'm also in recovery and have also met quite a few friends in the rooms. My heart too aches to be in a relationship again but like endless said I'm not ready for one. Though I do want to be romanticaly involved I can't because I still carry to much of my own baggage and I'm not over my wife still. We have two kids together and I don't know if I'll ever be completely over her. I know that for my case if I am to get into another relationship I need to work on myself more. I can't go into a relationship without a solid spiritual foundation, my standing right now isnt solid enough and I don't ever want to go back to drinking again. It is very frustrating being alone especially around this time of year. I see couples and it makes me somewhat envious at times. But like I said I have to work on myself, it wouldn't be fair to the woman I get into a relationship with to do so with the emotional baggage that I carry. I don't want to screw another womans emotions up like I did my wifes.
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Old 12-28-2010, 05:21 PM
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I am here because of someone I met on an online dating site....but I would not say it was a bad experience in and of itself. Most people were quite nice...ok one stalker but he was easily dealt with...lol.
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Old 12-28-2010, 06:37 PM
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that made me laugh :

"ok one stalker but ..."

whew! thank you!

I imagine that everyone on this forum knows to some extent
what y'all are describing.

Thing is -
I read a couple of things that got me going in the abstract
while I was reading your posts -
and I'm just going to generalize this response
so no one is singled out, okay?

We codies tend to put a 'mate'
in our heart , our lives and our minds....

... in a place where our HP should be.

Just like an alcoholic
has alcohol
in the space where their own HP and SPirit should be.

SO when it's not there any more
it seems like a great big hole.

WHen in fact
they were never there to begin with
it's just where we were trying to cramthem.

SO:

Keeping that in mind,

The first thought feels like the need to 'replace' or to put someone else
where that 'nole' now is.

And that's probably not the best way to phrase that
but it's the best I could do...*blush*

POINT being :

we, as codependents
must learn to fill that space
within ourselves
WITH ... our Selves.

Otherwise,
we're just going to hook up
with the same man
in a different skin.

So when I get that 'lonely' feeling...
I know there's something I'm not seeing.

Just like when I get out of balance in my sobriety
and start the 'stinking thinking' ....
I know I've closed off Spirit someplace.
And it needs a bit of looking into.

I hope the undertow of the vibe I picked up on
gets through with all this jabber...

I made it my intention
not to hook up with anyone
until I found out what it was
that was attracting me to these troubled people
in the first place.

And I learned that for me,
when I feel lonely ...
there's just something I don't want to have to cope with.

But that's just for me.
I had to go and find that one out for myself.

Mayvbe you're Higher Self
is gently pushing you
to find out for yourself....
how to be more deeply connected
with yourSelf?
Hope that helps ... somehow.
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Old 12-28-2010, 07:14 PM
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I'd wait a while before jumping into the dating ring. Sounds like you went through a lot. Healing time is needed after ending a relationship. I don't know how old you are but it may seem like you will 'die alone' when you are single and in your twenties but life is long. Things happen when you least expect it. The trick is to be whole and ready for that next relationship and that takes time and lots of introspection. Otherwise we repeat our mistakes.

Getting our validation from others implies that we don't have enough to offer. But you have plenty to offer the RIGHT person.

I struggle with lonliness a lot. Even while married, even in a group of family I feel alone. There are very few people I trust completely to be myself with. So I really made it a point to do things on my own (go out to eat, shopping, etc) just to be happy with my own company.

Meeting people is hard, esp with the busy lives people lead. I know of several women who did the online thing and it was as a way to 'practice date' and learn about what it is they really wanted in a partner. They did report lots of not so honest men out there but found the dating experience helpful so that they could overcome their initial fears about dating.

You mentioned that a group of people at your gym didn't invite you but keep reaching out. I think it was great that you told them to let you know when they are going out. Keep doing that with others and guaranteed someone will connect with you (as a friend).

I'm rambling but my main point is it is better to give ourselves time to heal from a relationship before entering into a new one. Because sadly, that void will still be there unless we work on ourselves first.
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