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I feel I will never be able to detatch

Old 12-03-2010, 06:29 AM
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I feel I will never be able to detatch

I rely too much on my AH .I am registered blind and our grown up daughter who lives with us is autistic.AH is high functioning ,and does all the shopping ,heavy housework ,decorating etc.He isn't violent to me or our daughter although he is difficult ,moody and aggressive.I cannot ever envisage being able to leave as I couldn't afford to rent on my own I need a garden for my guide dog.AH would never leave our home which is rented in both our names,and I am too scared to start divorce proceedings as it would take a long time and I don't know how he might react.I also worry how I would mange for myself and my daughter without help.
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Old 12-03-2010, 06:56 AM
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peaceful seabird
 
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I'm sorry you feel trapped in your situation.

I felt trapped in my marriage to an active alcoholic. I felt trapped because I had not worked outside our home for 12 years. I had not finished college. My vehicle was in his name. Our home was in his name. He would also tell me he would move to a state that doesn't allow employers to deduct child/spousal support if I divorced him.

I was sinking in low self-esteem, self-doubt, and defeat.

Alanon meetings and SR have helped me regain my self confidence. I can take better care of myself. I can stand up for my rights.

Self-improvement books have helped me to rebuild my self-esteem. I am important and my life matters.

A few free legal consultations helped me understand my legal rights in my state of residence. One of my free consultations was done over the phone.

Your post title suggests that detachment is physical. Alanon, SR and "Codependent No More" have taught me that detachment is also emotional and mental. Until I was able to physically remove myself from the marriage, I had to practice detachment mentally and emotionally.

Can you confide in someone in your healthcare community your concerns? They may be able to point you to resources that you did not know were available to you and your daughter. Keep reaching out.....

Take care of YOU, you are worth the effort (((hugs)))
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Old 12-03-2010, 08:06 AM
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Rising from the Ashes
 
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Roisin,
I believe I can relate totally with what you must be feeling......the feelings of thinking you are dependent on another human being. I suffered a massive stroke in December and as a result suffer from mobility problems and short-term memory recall problems. I'm not going to patronize you, and tell you how I would feel being legally blind, cause I don't! You must be doing a good job since you are able to use the internet. Good for you!

My husband of 39 years was an alcoholic who just stopped his drinking......without stopping his alcoholic behaviors! (DDH=Dry Drunk Husband) I'm glad that your AH is "high functioning, and does all the shopping ,heavy housework ,decorating etc."; unfortunately my DDH just refused to provide anything for me after I came home from the hospital! In my case, if my 35 year old son hadn't stepped up to become my caregiver I don't know how I would have made it!

You wrote "He isn't violent to me or our daughter although he is difficult ,moody and aggressive." "I am too scared to start divorce proceedings as it would take a long time and I don't know how he might react." These two statements speak volumes. I, too, feel what I had considered an "irrational" fear of my DDH. After all he wasn't physically abusive with me, RIGHT?! My two sons don't share my fear of their father. So I conducted some research into the reason as to my "irrational" fear. I wrote a thread here on SR entitled "Psychological/emotional/ verbal Abuse". I believe it could help you to read my thread.

You wrote "I also worry how I would manage for myself and my daughter without help". I know there are several federally funded programs to help the blind here in the United States. I recommend that a good starting point for finding out more about what support is available to you is to contact the Jacobus tenBroek, Library of the National Federation of the Blind, Jernigan Institute at 410-659-9314 or send an e-mail to [email protected].

*******************************:ghug3************* *****************

For all of us: Courtesy of the Jacobus tenBroek Library

The Courtesy Rules of Blindness

When you meet me don't be ill at ease. It will help both of us if you remember these simple points of courtesy:

I'm an ordinary person, just blind. You don't need to raise your voice or address me as if I were a child. Don't ask my spouse what I want — "Cream in the coffee?" — ask me.

I may use a long white cane or a guide dog to walk independently; or I may ask to take your arm. Let me decide, and please don't grab my arm; let me take yours. I'll keep a half-step behind to anticipate curbs and steps.

I want to know who's in the room with me. Speak when you enter. Introduce me to the others. Include childen, and tell me if there's a cat or dog.

The door to a room or cabinet or to a car left partially open is a hazard to me.

At dinner I will not have trouble with ordinary table skills.

Don't avoid words like "see." I use them, too. I'm always glad to see you.

I don't want pity. But don't talk about the "wonderful compensations" of blindness. My sense of smell, touch, or hearing did not improve when I became blind. I rely on them more and, therefore, may get more information through those senses than you do — that's all.

If I'm your houseguest, show me the bathroom, closet, dresser, window — the light switch, too. I like to know whether the lights are on.

I'll discuss blindness with you if you're curious, but it's an old story to me. I have as many other interests as you do.

Don't think of me as just a blind person. I'm just a person who happens to be blind.

********************************************* ******************

In all 50 states, the law requires drivers to yield the right of way when they see my extended white cane. Only the blind may carry white canes. You see more blind persons today walking alone, not because there are more of us, but because we have learned to make our own way.

Keep posting on SR! I for one will be interested in reading and responding to them.

God's Blessings!
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Old 12-03-2010, 08:35 AM
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thanks Phoenixthebird I read your post "Psychological/emotional/ verbal Abuse". and yes it definitely applies.He is verbally abusive to me ,more so to our daughter having threatened to "have her put in the nuthouse"on more than one occasion.Things have deteriorated since his retirement 4 years ago ,when he worked he only drank in the evening now it's all day .
If anyone wonders how I see the computer screen being registered blind,I have tunnel vision which means I can see a little in the central area ,like looking through a Smarties tube(not sure if you have those in US)
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Old 12-03-2010, 10:38 AM
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Rising from the Ashes
 
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Roisin, I have found it useful to be able to narrow down what was going on with my relationship with my DDH. Sometimes I had thought he was deliberately trying to drive me crazy!

Blindness runs in my family of origin. I have had one aunt, my father's sister, that was considered legally blind. Her blindness sounds very similar to your type of blindness. She was able to see, but as I understand it, everything seemed rather grey to her, and I think she might have had the same "tunnel vision" that you describe. When she needed to see something up close, like letters, she would use an instrument, something like a microscope.

I'm not familiar with the term "Smarties tube" so I did an internet search to try to find out its definition. However, I did find a site that might be helpful to you. The link below takes you to a site owned by Dr. Jack Tadrous where he provides blind deconvolution and other software for image processing. It performs a sophisticated type of image sharpening using information in the image which is not quite in focus. It is available free of charge for non-commercial use.

Bialith Image Processing

My best friend, my neighbor across my street, has a son with autistism. There are so many levels of autistism. What level of autistism does your daughter function at? No matter what level she is able to function at, your AH and her father, has no right to speak to her the way you described. You and her are children of God!

With God on our side who can be against us? Nothing can come between us and the love of Christ, even if we are troubled or worried, or being persecuted, or lacking food or clothes, or being threatened or even attacked. These are the trials through which we triumph by the power of him who loved us (Rom 8:31-37)

The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you!

Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace amid the storm!

******************************
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Old 12-03-2010, 01:23 PM
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my daughter is Asperger's also called high functioning autistic.I hate that term though,sure she can read write and do maths,her IQ is very high but in no way is she high FUNCTIONING.I came home one day recently to find her sitting in the cupboard under the stairs rocking and crying with her ipod on and her eyes tight shut,a workman had come to the door,which she won't answer and then begun sanding the window frames with an electric sander,she was terrified of the noise.I prefer to call it high IQ or high intelligence autism.
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Old 12-03-2010, 01:34 PM
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Roisin, you mention Smarties, being in the UK I used to love them!
You know if you were in the UK and spoke to social services there is possibly support there for you and your daughter either on a daily basis or as and when you needed it.
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