Wascally Wabbit

Have any of you walked completely away from your parent, never to talk to them again? I am always wanting to do this, but love for my mother prevents me.

I have had strained relationship with my mother forever. You know, the wishful thinking that some day she would actually love me for me. I know what alanon says about wishful thinking!
She's sober AA member for over 30 years now.
She "acts" the AA part for everyone except me.

To make a long story short, she moves every few years. She is now 80 years old. She believes with each move that a better life awaits.
She tried talking me into taking her in but I avoided answering. There's no way on earth I could live with her.

Now, she's found a place for seniors. A nice, but tiny apartment.
Let me add, 2 hours closer, yet 2 hours away. Everything she saw in my town just wasn't good enough.

I took all her possessions the previous move because she was just giving it all away to her precious AA friends. (this is what she always does. Move, then give everything away with the next move) She was determined to move 4 hrs away to live where a friend offered her the family home for rent. Now, she's realized that living in the country with no family or friends is not a good idea.

So, to get to the problem. I took all this "Junk" from her thinking if she didn't want it, I could give it to my kids. All the furniture is antique junk in every sense of the word.

Tonight, she starts in on how she wants her dishes. Well, I actually took them to the salvation army. They were all mismatched and nothing worth anything.

I tell her that they were given to the salval.
She proceeds to lay a guilt trip on me. I do mention to her that she never said she wanted any of it back. She gets offensive and starts to ask just why I am talking to her in "that tone of voice".
I proceed to say I am not talking in any tone of voice. This is her way of "reigning me in" to her control.

Seriously, I am deeply considering never speaking to her again. I am sick and tired of being treated like a second rate human.

She has opted to move near my cousin who she claims is the best person on earth and treats her so well, blah blah blah.
Sure, he never had to live with the alcoholism and never hears any criticism!

I am so troubled right now that anything anyone could suggest would be helpful.

If I never see her again, could I live with it? If I do see her again, I know it will be the same thing it always, always is. Her finding fault with me, constant criticism, and non stop complaining. BTW, my sister has not spoken to her for over 10 years.

Help.

Live

I have taken several breaks from my mom over the years.

I had to learn how to have boundaries with her.
If my mom starts giving me any grief whatsoever about anything, I say gotta go and hang up the phone.
It took a long time but we actually get along really well now..from a safe distance (living in different states)

Freedom1990

It sounds to me like your sister has the right idea.

It hurts to have a mother who is critical. I can get the same thing from my mother where she tells me I'm taking that tone of voice. I'm never quite good enough in her eyes.

She has never admitted once in her life she did anything wrong, and has never said she's sorry.

She's never going to be the mother I want. I have had to learn how to parent that little girl inside of me who never got what she needed in a mother.

Fortunately I am able to have some semblance of a relationship with her, but there have been times I went completely no contact because she was so toxic.

I am so sorry for your pain. I truly am. I can't see where any relationship with your mother is beneficial to you, to be honest.

transformyself

I disowned my mother in 1989, after the birth of my first son. It wasn't a conscious choice, it was a choice made for me by my body. I would vomit when she was near.

It took years to understand why. She didn't keep me safe when i was a child and after my son was born, I couldn't allow her near him.

Haven't spoken to her since. Of course, I have major "mother" issues, but not like most folks. We have no relationship and I like it that way. HP has put mother figures in my life to replace her, healthy ones.

I can only say that if you take a good long break, you may get the kind of clarity that only NC can offer.

Hugs to you...

Spiritual Seeker

She's 80 yrs old. Can you find the value in the little time left ?

I know you've been frustrated w/ your mother for a long long time.
Do you ever feel okay when talking or interacting with her ?

nicam

If someone in your life is toxic and causing you psychological harm then it is best to sever the ties IMO.

I cut both of my parents off...but you say love for your mother prevents you from doing that, so... In my case the constant abuse and neglect over the years made me so hurt and angry that the love died, and they don't love me, so it was an easy choice. But if you have your doubts then you should think really hard about it, it's a bold move and one that should be reserved as a last resort I think...

transformyself

have you approached her directly with this?

I also didn't talk to my father for two years. But first, I told him what my boundaries where and that I expected him to respect them. Very. Clearly.

His response was to blame me. So I didn't see or talk to him for two years.

We just recently started again, and it's much better. He's got a new wife (#5 I think?) who is apparently training him very well. he's respectful, which was the whole problem before.

You could just talk directly to her. Send her an email or letter, whichever works best for you. Work that letter good and send it away if you dont' like confrontation.

Even if she's 80, if she's lucid you can start sorting out that way how to deal with her. Be clear about your boundaries and if she still doesn't respect them, you can stay away with a more clear conscious.

dollydo

I did not talk to my mother for 10 years, had no choice, she was making me a nervous wreck. Her drinking, her toxic mouth and actions were too much for me.

We reunited about 6 years ago, it is better, she understands my bounderies and that I will enforce them.

My mother is 85, her life has been one episode of a soap opera or another. It is not just me,
she has not one friend, none from the past and no new ones. They hang with her for awhile then poof they are gone.

As for your mom, I would try no contact for awhile, in this case I would sit her down and tell her why, see if staying out of her radar zone will help you regroup.

meditation

My mom is like a butterfly. She truly does not have a long attention span. I have always felt if I just could catch her we'd have the most beautiful relationship. But I also realize she's 75 and set in her ways. I can't change her. I love her but growing up I had to parent her. She made me her therapist over my dad's issues. I know I suffer from the lack of feeling safe and trust issues because when I have trusted her with myself she's later turned around and tried to wound me with the things I told her. So I don't tell her much that can ever hurt me and I've managed to love her and in her way she loves me. I am 50 and I still don't completely understand my mom, when I think I know her modus o she changes. I was raised to be the perfect child and I've managed to tear down that image ... I became an addict so I guess for me just being a normal person is now okay.. sort of I trashed all expectations of perfection and she's now happy with any improvement. I don't get bragged on to her friends lol those days are gone.
I had though the best Thanksgiving with her but I really did not expect her to show up because that's the norm she would always back out at the last minute so we had a great day together. I do love her but I have to love her from a distance.

With your mom, I'd buy her a set of inexpensive dishes or maybe a set of thrift china, and she sounds safe 2 hours away. You can get in your car and jet away.

Learn2Live

With my parents (and with others) I am working on finding a healthy medium. Discovering, through trial and error, what works and what doesn't work. This is a long and sometimes arduous process. But life is a journey and I choose to take this ride. My heart does not allow me to cut off my parents completely. But my instincts tell me that dealing with them at a certain level is killing me, making me panic, feel bad, etc.

So, as part of my boundary-setting practice I have begun to learn how to mind my own business. Take the furniture and dishes example you give: If your mother wants to give away all her belongings, let her. It is none of your business. My father gives stuff away that does not even BELONG to him. People call me and complain about it, and I get so pissed off. But honestly, I have to mind my own business. I have to, otherwise, I get blamed for stuff that I did not want to be a part of in the first place.

I imagine you have a happy medium too.

brokenheartfool

I cannot imagine cutting a parent out of my life. My F was a very difficult egotistical tyrannical person. Still I didn't cut him out, but I certainly limited time spent with him.
I am not condemming those who do decide to cut a parent out. I am simply stating that for me, the thought would never enter my head and that i don't understand the decision to do so.
I know someone whose daughter cut him out of his life. I wonder if she is vindictive. I suspect she is. It is the ultimate slap in the face to a parent, it must be. If I was going to cut a parent out of my life, I would make sure that the decision was not made in vindictive anger as some type of punishment to the parent.

Wascally Wabbit

So there, I got it out of my system.

I would LOVE to talk to her and explain why I don't like her. Why I want her out of my life.
Not dead, just not in my life. If I so much as even tried in a gentle way, to explain any kind of boundary, she would start a scene and claim I am abusing her!! Yes she would!

Alas, she is my mother. And through it all, I do love her. I just don't like her.
So, I am glad I posted here. I was so close to writing a letter to her, something I would probably regret.

Thank you everyone!!

suki44883

It's not unheard of to cut a parent out of one's life. If the parent is toxic, then why not avoid them? My daughter has cut her father out of her life. She even changed her last name from his when she became a legal adult. Not all parents are good parents and not all people who have children should.

wow1323

Yeah, My mom has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me since I was a little girl. As an adult she is still doing it to me. I have learned to dis-engage when she starts pulling her B.S. I just don't listen I put the phone down, come back to it, say uh, huh, um hmm, just to the mouth piece. When she starts calling 4 to 6 times a day I let the machine pick it up. I stopped listening to her nasty messages and just quickly delete them before hearing them out. You must find creative ways of dealing with abusive elderly parents until they pass on. In my opinion anyway. I have a toddler so I have to move out of the state to escape her very soon he will start understanding what she says and I can't allow history to repeat itself. I figure if I protect my son from alcoholics I have to protect him from verbal amnd emotional abusers as well. This is life, soloving problems in a mentally healthy way for yourself to be happy and well balanced. Good Luck... my friend.

barb dwyer

Wascally -

I always get so much from your threads.

I have a half brother whom I've never met
who did just that.

I don't know how it worked out for him.

But when my mother was still alivfe
I often envied and resented him
for disappearing
and leaving me, a child, to deal with ...her.

My mother died when I was 21.

I have never not once..missed her.

I don't feel guilty about that any more,
but it took years before i could
tell anyone that
the 'perfect mother'

was anything but.

Nobody - and I mean NO body
knew what a mean spirited, angry cruel woman
she really was
behind closed doors.

And I kept her secret
almost twenty years
after she was dead.

She was THAT good at laying on the guilt.

I have no advice.
just .. well, maybe me telling you that
shows I know where you're coming from.

and it's all I have to offer that could help.


I thoroughly enjoy your threads.

thank you.

Lamadre2011

I am glad I found this post. I am not an alcoholic and actually I never had an addiction. I may be an overbearing mother and that is why I am here. But I still have my 30 year old leving with me and I am so worry about her. I feel that she is an alcoholic. She does not drink every day, but when she does she becomes extremely intoxicated. She wrecked her car in a parking lot while intoxicated. The parking lot attendant, after some convincing, got my cell phone number. She had been drinking since 5 p.m. I got a call at 1:30 a.m. She admitted drinking 10 beers and a few shots during the night and she was determined to drive! I can't deal with this!!! She went out two night later and never came home until the next morning. This has been going on since she moved back six months ago and now I think this is the reason why she broke up with her long time boyfriend. It brakes my heart to se her this way. I am mortified that she will drive again and hurt someone. I have been confronting her with information about binge drinking and she is now very angry with me. What can I do? Please help me.

barb dwyer

HI Lamadre and welcome to SR!

i hope that you will find the support you're looking for while here.

Maybe you would re-post this in the main forum threads? I think more people would see it there.

I see it's your first post - I think others would benefit
if you'd start a thread on this topic?

Just go back to the 'forum' list
(the one that shows all the threads by topic)

then at the bottom on the left
there will be a button that says

"post a new thread'

or something like that.

open that -

and paste your post there.

It will start a new thread
and you will get pleanty of sesponse, I promise!

welcome again to SR!

hope to see you there!