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'The Talk'

Old 11-17-2010, 08:13 AM
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'The Talk'

Good Morning everyone!

Well, we had ‘the talk’ last night. I walked into his house, sat down on the couch, and waited for him to start, because the last time we talked we BOTH AGREED that we would take a break for a week, which was HIS request so that he could THINK ABOUT my wanting to break up. So, here’s my version of the dialogue:

ABF: Big news!
Me: What?
ABF: My mom is now on Facebook.
Me: Oh, yeah, I saw that this afternoon.
[I know, right?!?!?!? We were on the verge of breaking up 9 days ago, haven’t had one conversation since then, and the first thing he says is ‘My Mom is on Facebook”?!?!?!?!]
Moving right along…
ABF: So… what’s up?
Me: Not much. Pregnant Pause. The last time we talked we agreed that we would take a break so that you could think about my request that we break up. Have you thought about it? How do you feel?
ABF: I don’t know
Me: You don’t know?
ABF: No, I don’t know how I feel because I don’t know how you feel.
[At this point, in my head, I am shouting expletives at the top of my lungs. Outside, I am calm. I want to say “What do you mean you don’t know I feel??? I told you that I had a problem with your drinking, I’ve been telling you that for the past 3 years. You don’t know how I feel???? GAH!!!!!!!!” But, I didn’t. I no longer have to make him understand how I feel (lightbulb!!!). Which still feels a little foreign to me, but I relate that to how I felt when I started eating tofu- it felt foreign to me (certainly not a cheeseburger!), but I also knew that it was GOOD for me, thus I got slowly accustomed to eating it. I imagine that once I make it a daily habit to stay in MY business and concern myself with my well-being first, it will feel less and less foreign and more normal. But, I digress! ]
Me: All I can say is that I cannot be with you in a relationship if you are not seeking professional help, either through a therapy program or recovery program, for your drinking issues. If you are not going to take action to investigate your drinking then I will not date you anymore.

For about 30 minutes ABF asked variations of the following questions:
So, you’re telling me that you think I am a drunk?
So, your anger is directly related to my drinking?
What part of my drinking don’t you like: is it when I drink my nightly cocktails? Is it when I blow it out every so often? Is it when we go out together?
Can you tell me how much I can drink so that I won’t **** you off?
Which therapist should I call?

My response to every one of these questions was: It is not my responsibility to manage your drinking. That is your responsibility. It is not my responsibility to manage your recovery program. If you choose to begin recovery/therapy then you have to make the call, you have to organize it, you have to take the steps.

He called me judgmental. I said ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’. He said I was making him feel like ****. I said ‘It is not my intention to make you feel like shit’.

He said I was giving him an ultimatum. Which, I guess I was. But, I’m OK with that. Sometimes an ultimatum is required, especially if the other party (ABF in my case) is completely dismissing, minimizing, denying, and/or ignoring my repeated requests to investigate his drinking.

So, we broke up. He didn’t really accept or reject the ultimatum. But, that’s his problem. And, now that I think about, if you neither accept nor reject, then that’s basically a rejection, in my book.

There were no tears, no drama. I just got up, got my keys, said ‘bye’. He said ‘Good Luck’.

I am heading to an Alanon meeting at 1:30. I am looking forward to it!

I’m going to pour through the threads on this forum!!

If you all were in my office, I’d give you a great big

craven
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Old 11-17-2010, 08:21 AM
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CRAVEN!!!!

WHOOHOOO FOR YOU!!!!

I'm so friggin proud of you (and very much amazed). You did sooooooo well. No drama. Simple boundaries. Walk away. Niiiiiice.

If I didn't work in a stuffy law office, I'd be up dancing at my desk! Since I can't, let's have an awesome SR party for you !!!

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Old 11-17-2010, 08:48 AM
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You Rock !!

Wow - you handled that so well !!!! and going to a meeting today too !!!
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Old 11-17-2010, 08:57 AM
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This sounds like most of the talks my ex and I had after a fight and a "break".

The "good luck" at the end was to get you to react. They stay calm to get you angrier.
Ahhhh, head games! Good times!
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Old 11-17-2010, 09:17 AM
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How Brave you are!!!

Stepping out to take such great care of YOU and give yourself the healthy, respectful life you deserve - wow - how totally awesome!!!!!!!!

Please give yourself a big PINK HUG from me!!!
and keep on focusing on those Next Right things!!!

Remember you and your HP are going to be ok - even better than OK!

Rita
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Old 11-17-2010, 09:48 AM
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
If I didn't work in a stuffy law office, I'd be up dancing at my desk! Since I can't, let's have an awesome SR party for you !!!
Thanks, noday!!! I really do not think I would have been able to do this without your help!! And, everyone else on SR as well.

There is something transformative about having support from other people who are dealing with these issues. If I had to draw a picture it would like me, under a pile of rocks, and with each post and reply, one rock was lifted off of the pile, one a time. I know that I still have to work to do- I do NOT want to find myself in the same situation again. I have learned so much, but a lot of it I think I already knew, I just didn't know how to use the knowledge that was already there (I consider that my HP's doing!).

You are lifesavers- all of you!

craven
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Old 11-17-2010, 09:49 AM
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Originally Posted by MsPINKAcres View Post
Remember you and your HP are going to be ok - even better than OK!
Rita, thank you!!
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Old 11-17-2010, 10:00 AM
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Well, I'll be! You are One Quick Learner!
I am so impressed with your calm and resolve.
The process of letting of trying to convince him to get it is a challenge, but you appear to have let it go.
The process of trying to help with resources, pick a therapist, drop some self help books, etc is a challenge, but you appear to have let it go.

Kudos

peace
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Old 11-17-2010, 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by FindingPeace1 View Post

Well, I'll be! You are One Quick Learner!
I am so impressed with your calm and resolve.
The process of letting of trying to convince him to get it is a challenge, but you appear to have let it go.
The process of trying to help with resources, pick a therapist, drop some self help books, etc is a challenge, but you appear to have let it go.
What can I say? I've got great teachers!!
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Old 11-17-2010, 10:31 AM
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Wow..

...now I'm just pissed at Craven for learning faster than me, being stronger than me, and for her ability to find herself in a hole but stop digging. This was supposed to take her seven years of misery.

Dang it! I'm so jealous...

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by FindingPeace1 View Post

Well, I'll be! You are One Quick Learner!
I am so impressed with your calm and resolve.
The process of letting of trying to convince him to get it is a challenge, but you appear to have let it go.
The process of trying to help with resources, pick a therapist, drop some self help books, etc is a challenge, but you appear to have let it go.

Kudos

peace
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Old 11-17-2010, 10:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
...now I'm just pissed at Craven for learning faster than me, being stronger than me, and for her ability to find herself in a hole but stop digging. This was supposed to take her seven years of misery.

Dang it! I'm so jealous...

Cyranoak
Do you know what's funny? I keep thinking 'Did I make a mistake?!?!?'. I know that I did not, that that's my codie talking. So, I still have a lifetime of lessons to learn!

Also, I have talked to a lot of people who are married to alcoholics, some were recovering, some are active, some are in between. I have several very good friends who are spouses/ex's of alcoholics. I listen to them- they are in pain, they are regretful, they are resentful, you all know what they go through because you've been there or are there right now. I know that they are only relaying their own experiences, but in my head I'm thinking 'this could be me in 1, 5, or 15 years'. I have to wake up and smell the coffee!!

And, when I read these posts, and when I chat with folks who have been affected by alcoholism, I consider it a GIFT that you are sharing your stories with me. And I cherish those gifts, because in them I find my own truth. :day6:day6

Thank you, cyran!
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Old 11-17-2010, 12:34 PM
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What tremendous growth!!!!!!!

And every time those 'codie' thoughts come up, come back and read this thread to see just how far you have come.

You go girl!!!!!!! You are doing a great job on yourself!!!!!!

You make my heart smile!!

Love and hugs,
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Old 11-17-2010, 02:12 PM
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This is the best thing I've read today! You're an inspiration!!
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Old 11-17-2010, 02:23 PM
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Thanks, SteppingUp!!!
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Old 11-18-2010, 03:58 AM
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Great Job gives me more resolve to keep up the no contact with my X pothead binge drinking cokehead boyfriend! (Don't think there is an aconym for that yet) XPHBDCHBF- there we go :rotfxko thanks Craven you're awesome!
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Old 11-18-2010, 05:23 AM
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He didn’t really accept or reject the ultimatum. But, that’s his problem. And, now that I think about, if you neither accept nor reject, then that’s basically a rejection, in my book.
yeah, i'd say so, craven.

for some reason, the above statement of yours struck me as very funny. we have to deal with so much apathy from them....and now this! to not even accept nor reject a clear ultimatum....

so, a "no" by default! ha ha. it's like the epitome of emotional laziness.

"i don't know how i feel because i don't know how you feel."...that'a another classic!
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Old 11-18-2010, 07:37 AM
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Originally Posted by naive View Post
to not even accept nor reject a clear ultimatum....

so, a "no" by default! ha ha. it's like the epitome of emotional laziness.
Emotional Laziness!!! I love it. To me, the emotional laziness is as troubling, or even more troubling, than the drinking. I was talking to a 10+ year AA'er and he told me that the drinking is really the symptom of an underlying emotional problem- at first I didn't really understand what he was saying. Now, I do! I am so thankful for that.

Thanks, naive, for your support!

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Old 11-18-2010, 07:43 AM
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Originally Posted by SereniTee View Post
Great Job gives me more resolve to keep up the no contact with my X pothead binge drinking cokehead boyfriend! (Don't think there is an aconym for that yet) XPHBDCHBF- there we go :rotfxko thanks Craven you're awesome!
SerniTee, yours sounds like a professional party animal, just like mine! Mine hasn't attempted to contact me yet, but it's only been 2 days.

I have a question for you- has your X made lots of attempts to contact you? I'm really trying to focus on the present, this moment, but I keep thinking, in the back of mind, that my XABF will try to contact me in the next few weeks, and I'm just wondering how others have handled it. I did not specify No Contact with him- I didn't say "We will not enter into a period of No Contact". Maybe I should start another thread about that subject, first I'll read through other posts to see if this has already been discussed... something tells me it has.

Keep up the no contact, girl! I think we all get strength from each other's resolve!

Here's to you!

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Old 11-18-2010, 08:46 AM
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I'm right there with you about the emotional laziness...although, in truth, for my AH it is about fear and self-loathing rather than laziness.
Nonetheless, if he can't face it, he can't face it.
I still need a partner with which I can share my concerns and that partner will look alive!

Hugs to us for standing up for us.
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Old 11-18-2010, 04:30 PM
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I am at the end of day 2 since there had been contact, feels so good!

He was contacting me alot while I was at work when it was 5am for him and 11am for me (me UK him Canada). I had been saying you should sleep I can't believe you're up this late again blah blah and then we would always end up talking about the relationship, him all whistful and under the influence and me trying to work, but for the last couple of days he hasn't contacted me and even though I see him online I haven't felt compelled to msg him either. I think him being told off every time he speaks to me for still being awake is probably a bit of a downer for the party eh :rotfxko

Oh yeah Craven we both used to party HARD and I thought we were destined to be together and that we, like had so much in common man but whe it came down to it when I wanted to clean up ad not be surrounded by drugs at home any more he had no interest in compromise. I was sick at being at the whim of his moods from stoned to hungover to puking to slurring and back to stoned again. The healthier I got the more I saw the relationship for what it was. SOOOO much better now Dexter is much better company- and the XPHBDCHBF always said I couldn't have a dog!!! HA!
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