Good Morning everyone!
Well, we had ‘the talk’ last night. I walked into his house, sat down on the couch, and waited for him to start, because the last time we talked we BOTH AGREED that we would take a break for a week, which was HIS request so that he could THINK ABOUT my wanting to break up. So, here’s my version of the dialogue:
ABF: Big news!
Me: What?
ABF: My mom is now on Facebook.
Me: Oh, yeah, I saw that this afternoon.
[I know, right?!?!?!? We were on the verge of breaking up 9 days ago, haven’t had one conversation since then, and the first thing he says is ‘My Mom is on Facebook”?!?!?!?!]
Moving right along…
ABF: So… what’s up?
Me: Not much. Pregnant Pause. The last time we talked we agreed that we would take a break so that you could think about my request that we break up. Have you thought about it? How do you feel?
ABF: I don’t know
Me: You don’t know?
ABF: No, I don’t know how I feel because I don’t know how you feel.
[At this point, in my head, I am shouting expletives at the top of my lungs. Outside, I am calm. I want to say “What do you mean you don’t know I feel??? I told you that I had a problem with your drinking, I’ve been telling you that for the past 3 years. You don’t know how I feel???? GAH!!!!!!!!” But, I didn’t. I no longer have to make him understand how I feel (lightbulb!!!). Which still feels a little foreign to me, but I relate that to how I felt when I started eating tofu- it felt foreign to me (certainly not a cheeseburger!), but I also knew that it was GOOD for me, thus I got slowly accustomed to eating it. I imagine that once I make it a daily habit to stay in MY business and concern myself with my well-being first, it will feel less and less foreign and more normal. But, I digress!
]
Me: All I can say is that I cannot be with you in a relationship if you are not seeking professional help, either through a therapy program or recovery program, for your drinking issues. If you are not going to take action to investigate your drinking then I will not date you anymore.
For about 30 minutes ABF asked variations of the following questions:
So, you’re telling me that you think I am a drunk?
So, your anger is directly related to my drinking?
What part of my drinking don’t you like: is it when I drink my nightly cocktails? Is it when I blow it out every so often? Is it when we go out together?
Can you tell me how much I can drink so that I won’t **** you off?
Which therapist should I call?
My response to every one of these questions was: It is not my responsibility to manage your drinking. That is your responsibility. It is not my responsibility to manage your recovery program. If you choose to begin recovery/therapy then you have to make the call, you have to organize it, you have to take the steps.
He called me judgmental. I said ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’. He said I was making him feel like ****. I said ‘It is not my intention to make you feel like shit’.
He said I was giving him an ultimatum. Which, I guess I was. But, I’m OK with that. Sometimes an ultimatum is required, especially if the other party (ABF in my case) is completely dismissing, minimizing, denying, and/or ignoring my repeated requests to investigate his drinking.
So, we broke up. He didn’t really accept or reject the ultimatum. But, that’s his problem. And, now that I think about, if you neither accept nor reject, then that’s basically a rejection, in my book.
There were no tears, no drama. I just got up, got my keys, said ‘bye’. He said ‘Good Luck’.
I am heading to an Alanon meeting at 1:30. I am looking forward to it!
I’m going to pour through the threads on this forum!!
If you all were in my office, I’d give you a great big
craven