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Hello all, I'm new here

Old 10-27-2010, 10:09 AM
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Hello all, I'm new here

Hello All
My wife has been suffering from Depression and has been taking medication. Last year she admitted that she was drinking heavily, during the day and at night, to the point where she had passed out during the day, I had no idea at the time how much she was drinking, I knew she was but I had no idea it was a problem until she told me. We agreed that she would stop the daytime drinking, but social at parties or at the beach would be ok in moderation. My mistake we should have tried to eliminate alcohol all together. The first time I was very calm, collective and supportive, with the caveat that if it happened again we would have much larger problems.

Fast forward to the current time, I started having my suspicions that she was drinking again, I searched for any hidden bottles with no luck. Due to some recent problems we’ve been having she left me a note yesterday morning say that we need to talk that there was something she needed to tell me. Last night while she was out at an event at our daughters school I looked for a bottle again, this time I searched a little harder and ended up finding one. While I was curious to see if that’s what she wanted to talk about, I marked the bottle so I could see if and how much was being consumed. After our daughters were in bed we started talking and she admitted that she was drinking again, but that this time she was going to get some help, with some sort of pill that makes you sick if you drink and that she was seeking out AA meetings. I said I thought she should talk to her parents about what’s going on, she said she did not want to that. To me (my personal opinion) is that part of the process is admitting that there is a problem, which she did to me but I feel her family should be made aware too. Even though they live in a different country and only get to see them once or twice a year.

I’m lost, I don’t know should I be going to the meetings with her, should I tell her that if it happens again I’m leaving and taking the girls. I just don’t know how much more I can take…..

Mark
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Old 10-27-2010, 10:23 AM
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Hi Mark,

You're about to get lots of input from the wonderful folks here.

I'm new to this as well but here's what has helped me:

Her recovery is her business. There is nothing you can do there.

Your recovery is your business. Taking care of yourself not only helps you but it's really the only thing you can do to help her.

Find an Al-Anon meeting near you and go. You'll find lots of other folks who have gone through exactly what your going through. It will truly uplift you and help you work on the only thing you have the power to change. You.

Please keep posting!
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Old 10-27-2010, 10:30 AM
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Hi Mark and to SR. There's lots of awesome support to be found here. I'm glad you found us!

Regarding your wife...let me post for you the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it

Nothing you do, or say, or don't do, or don't say, will have any impact on your wife's drinking. Her recovery is entirely her own. The only power you have is over yourself and your actions.

I second the suggestion that you find an Al-Anon meeting to attend. You'll need the support of those who've been where you are.

Regarding the children...I wouldn't start making threats to take them away. FIRST, consult a lawyer about the likelihood of obtaining custody. If your wife has no "papertrail" for her drinking (as in arrests, DUIs, etc) then it'll be hard to prove that she is unfit and that the children need to be with you. So, talk to a lawyer first.

Then take steps to ensure that your wife isn't allowed to care for the children alone when she is intoxicated.

I hope you keep posting!
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Old 10-27-2010, 11:23 AM
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Hi Mark,

It’s not any fun dealing with an alcoholic spouse is it?

As others have said, how she addresses her alcoholism is up to her you can’t do anything about it.

What you can do is educate yourself about her problem and your options for you and your kids.

This is a good place for “been-there…done-that”.

I too have done the searching for bottles drill…in the end it was just an exercise in futility.

If you guys are still on good enough terms to approach her problem as a couple I think it is only fair to let her know that the kids have to come before her or your relationship and it is up to you to make sure they are safe and cared for.

I sincerely hope that she’ll do the right thing for her own as well as your families sake!

Best!
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Old 10-27-2010, 11:45 AM
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Hi Mark, you have made the first step in reaching out and asking for help. i know how scary that can feel but it is worth it. it's great that your wife is taking responsibility for her drinking. it sounds harsh but i have learnt that you cannot do anything to force a person to stop being destructive. you have to back off and allow them to be accountable. i'm not saying that you won't worry about your wife but it is important that you focus on yourself and your kids, otherwise you'll go mad. i attend al-anon which is great, i hope you can find a meeting. keep reading the posts on this site and find out as much as you can about addiction it willl really help. Take care.
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Old 10-27-2010, 11:49 AM
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Hey Mark, welcome to SR!

I would strongly suggest you seek support for yourself through Alanon, and let her attend her AA meetings by herself.

The best help you can be to her is to work your own program of recovery from the effects of her alcoholism.

As for her telling her parents, I'd suggest you leave that up to her, on her timetable.

"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent read, and I'd be surprised if you didn't get something out of it. I keep a copy at my desk.

Last but certainly not least, protect those precious children!

Keep posting, and know that you are among friends.
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Old 10-27-2010, 11:49 AM
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Hey Mark. Welcome. That your wife recognizes that she has a problem is a very good start. The best thing I did for myself after I found this forum was to go to an AlAnon meeting. I put it off for waaayyyy too long and thought that it would not be for me. It ended up helping me so much and now I look forward to going. Why not give it a try?
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Old 10-27-2010, 01:04 PM
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Thank You for the support, encouragement and ideas. We actually found an AA meeting with Al-Anon tonight. I’m not sure how that works but are both planning on going tonight and we are going to start looking into joint and individual counseling, again thank you.

I will keep you up to date on the situation. I have hope and know that at one point she was an incredibly strong person and I hope she still has that determination. She had been a smoker since a teenager, how ever once she found out she was pregnant (13 years a go) she stopped cold that day and has not had a smoke since then.



Thanks
Mark
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