Is this really happening?

Old 10-19-2010, 10:14 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Is this really happening?

Im sorry, this is going to be a long story but i think i need to say it for myself.

I am 30 and my wife is 31. We have been together 9 years next week. We have a very good relationship. Donít yell at each other (both pretty soft spoken people). We donít have fights, we are laid back and try and let things go while not wasting time on judging people. We both struggle with anxieties that keep us hermits most of the time and I work from home. We are good people who stick to ourselves and donít mess with anyone elseís lives.

We have always had alcohol in our relationship but it is been more casual, once a week, sometimes not for months. A few years ago, my wifeís mother passed away. She was truly the nicest person I have ever met. Since her passing, it was shown that she was the face and glue of this family, and without her the ďsecretsĒ began to come out one after another and it has rocked our lives.

All the stress the last 2 years has began to create a drinking monster in my wife. She sometimes will keep herself drunk for days. I myself am just not much of a drinker, I get sick and canít continue but she can go and go. Itís a scary thing, and I try to be understanding as the secrets really are terrible. The most damaging is her father who was seen as this great guy, helper to all and humble. In reality, he is an adulterer/pedophile/rapist. Its been a lot to absorb. Whatís worse is we share a house with him.

Since all this has come out, the tension in this place is brutal. She avoids him at all costs and has gone months without laying eyes on him. Iím the middle man and I hate it. I see him, talk nicely. And all I want to do is shove his face through the back of his head. Things escalated when he moved in his new girlfriend. An 18 year old. (hes 65). All the known bad things he has done were decades ago, and anything new he has done we donít know about, otherwise I would send his ass to prison in a heartbeat.

We started living here before the lies. We all got along and sank our money together into this place. We would leave, but we have no where to go. So for now we are trapped. Sure we could drop everything and start over somewhere. But in this bad financial time that would be rough, and years of work and money would be given up to him and probably given to his lil 18yo girl friend if we walked away.

On top of this, her brothers and sisters have all fallen apart in their own ways. 1 Brother convicted of molestation. Another leaving his awesome family and kids and nice job and house to be with some crack head. Another leaving his wife and kids to go whoring around and having random kids one after another. Her sister who was the best mother and has awesome kids divorced her husband and is now with a ******* alcoholic who treats her like crap. All of this began after their mothers passing.

Its like a rollercoaster of insanity. I canít believe this is our life sometimes.

Latley I canít control her drinking and its finally pulling us apart. I want to help but I canít seem to get through to her right now. Today was probably the final straw in our relationship with her familyÖ

Her sister (who is 44) was the only person left that we really talked too. She decided to come over to hang out for the day, unfortunately bringing that new jerk of a boyfriend. Of course, we all went out to eat and ended up at a bar, not what I wanted. I tried to enjoy it while I could and we all came home and watched movies till people fell asleep.

This morning her sister starts questioning me about things after she fell asleep. Long story short her b/f claimed to have sex with my wifeÖ Somehow my wife magically snuck into their room and did him while she slept next to him, and I was still awake. The idea was so laughable that I didnít take it seriously. My wife isnít like that, we are far from perfect but infidelity is not one of our problems. But her sister kept on this story and I became pissed at the idea that she actually believed her stupid b/f. We paid for their dinner, their drinks, gave them money as they are struggling, and this is the thanks.

I kicked them out and my wife has been a wreck since, for her sister to actually consider she would cheat on me with her new (ugly and old) b/f was just so horribly stupid I have no words. She was the last family member we got along with and thatís over. My wife has always been about family and now she feels like she has no one besides me. She is scared that I want to leave because of all this and her drinking. But I wonít. I love her too much to leave her here with these lunatics.

The worst part isÖ im telling the 100% truth, I wish some of this was made up! But its actually happening right in front of me.
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Old 10-19-2010, 10:21 AM
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Sometimes it becomes a case of having to leave to save yourself or sink along with them.
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Old 10-19-2010, 10:22 AM
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Wow...what a mess. The thing is though, you are both adults and able to make your own decisions about where you live. Do you both work? I can't see any benefit at all in staying in all that madness. Even if you have to rent a small place somewhere for a while, that would be better than where you are living now. If you want to leave, then leave. Your wife can make her own decisions about going with you or staying put. You can't control her; you can only control yourself.
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Old 10-19-2010, 10:25 AM
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wow.....people can deceive you.

I think it might be in your best interest to consult an attorney to see what you options are in selling your house or have dear dad buy you out.

your living situation will not help your wife's issues, she needs some serenity to deal with all of the problems and her own drinking.
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Old 10-19-2010, 10:28 AM
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Was she molested by her father, were her siblings? Thats alot of things for her to deal with her family, and you both were anxious and kept to yourselfs before. I think she could really use some therapy. It doesnt matter if she was molested to learn your father was a pedophile must devestate someone. maybe medication could help her clear her head. Alot of people try to self medicate with alcohol or street drugs. Maybe you could go together sometimes too
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Old 10-19-2010, 10:31 AM
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hi there...and to SR. I'm so glad you found this place. There's awesome advice to be found here.

First off, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this crap. I can HONESTLY say that my life was madness and toxicity, and that it was also filled with similar drama. Just read my first posts on SR and you'll get the picture...

Second, I'd like to remind you of the 3 C's of addiction, because they're just so darn useful to me when my mind gets turned around:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it

I already get a sense that you know these instinctively, since you're standing in the eye of the tornado, basically saying "W.T.F.?!". I get it. I've been there. I wracked my brains for solutions to my husband's drinking. There aren't any that *I* could come up with. I simply did not have the power to change him, or his family. The only power I have is over myself.

The same can be said of your situation. You can change yourself, your reactions, but you simply cannot change your wife. SHE has to decide, when she is ready, to find recovery. Until then, I strongly recommend Al-Anon, to get the support you so need.

Also, I would consult with an attorney, quietly, to see what your legal options and obligations are, as per the geographical location you live in. Knowledge is power, and most often, these initial consultations are free and done over the phone.

Please keep posting and reading here as much as possible. SR is always open.
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Old 10-20-2010, 10:45 AM
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Thanks for everyone's helpful words and for reading my story.

I understand, walking away makes the most sense. Enduring this BS is worth sticking with my wife. She is a good person, doesn't take advantage of people but usually gets taken advantage of (usually money wise) because of her good nature. They have worn her down her entire life, and all of this recent info was just too much. Leaving her would be leaving her alone to these jackals.

Most of her siblings in many ways resent her Im sure. Their upbringing was different, more violent and uncaring. My wife has 2 older brothers and 3 older half brothers and 1 older half sister. She was a late comer as she is 9 years younger than the next youngest kid. Her dad did not molest her (he molested/raped the half sister/his stepdaughter) and treated my wife very well actually. Never hit her, never yelled at her, unlike all the other kids. Of course my wife has endured molestation from other relatives growing up, as have I.

Sounds like excuses, i know...

A bad part about walking away was our ignorance and early trusting of her dad. (here comes our dumbest moment) Although we went in together on this place by paying 1/3rd, its fully in his name (i can hear your groans already) and is promised in his will to us. Yeah, we were stupid. We had no reason not to trust him and didn't understand back then how bad a move it was.

I admit to being a weak willed person at times. Nice, kind, and easily stepped on, controlled by my anxieties. But my wife is all I have as I have no contact with any of my family after my parents passed many years ago.

Financial wise we were ok for the longest time but are not in a great place. Recession hit us at a bad time. she was laid off and i took some pay cuts, all the while i was having medical issues and had lots of doctor visits and some surgeries. So those bills are piled up.

I guess I know what options I have. I can recall many occasions looking at people in bad situations and thinking "just leave!"

Not so easy when its you.
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Old 10-20-2010, 11:04 AM
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Not so easy when its you.
I can relate to that. My situation isn't nearly as bad as yours, but there are times when I'm convinced that leaving would be my smartest move. Unfortunately, when I start looking at all the ramifications, it's just too overwhelming.
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Old 10-20-2010, 01:01 PM
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hi and welcome-

i see two problems:

1. your wife's excessive drinking
2. your finance tied into this house with no deed in your name

it is possible that your wife is not an alcoholic but just drinking to numb herself. if that is true, then if she was removed from this stressful, emotionally damaging environment, she might heal.

so, second problem of co-habitation with her father. is it possible to simply ask him to buy you out? you could ask him. can't see any harm in that. you don't have to give your reasons...just merely state that you want a bit more privacy as a couple and you need the money.

perhaps there is equity in the house that could fund him buying you out?

it doesn't sound like a healthy environment for anyone, especially your wife. i would hold judgement on whether she is an alcoholic or not until she is out of that enivronment.

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Old 10-20-2010, 01:30 PM
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Wowzer, my heart goes out to both of you. I know this might come off as flippant, but I'd rather live anywhere but where you are now. How you can have any sanity with your worries about your wife and the chaos going around you?

I agree with naive, see if you can buy him out, or have him pay you for your part. Getting away from this situation isn't running away, it's getting into a clean environment.

I hope you can make some progress, good luck.

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