hi there...and
to SR. I'm so glad you found this place. There's awesome advice to be found here.
First off, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this crap. I can HONESTLY say that my life was madness and toxicity, and that it was also filled with similar drama. Just read my first posts on SR and you'll get the picture...
Second, I'd like to remind you of the 3 C's of addiction, because they're just so darn useful to me when my mind gets turned around:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it
I already get a sense that you know these instinctively, since you're standing in the eye of the tornado, basically saying "W.T.F.?!". I get it. I've been there. I wracked my brains for solutions to my husband's drinking. There aren't any that *I* could come up with. I simply did not have the power to change him, or his family. The only power I have is over myself.
The same can be said of your situation. You can change yourself, your reactions, but you simply cannot change your wife. SHE has to decide, when she is ready, to find recovery. Until then, I strongly recommend Al-Anon, to get the support you so need.
Also, I would consult with an attorney, quietly, to see what your legal options and obligations are, as per the geographical location you live in. Knowledge is power, and most often, these initial consultations are free and done over the phone.
Please keep posting and reading here as much as possible. SR is always open.