Tough love

Old 10-04-2010, 02:12 PM
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Unhappy Tough love

This is my first post.Hope it is ok for me to join from the UK but I can't locate a forum in my home country.I told my alcohol dependent partner enough is enough last wednesday. Guess he thinks he's heard it all before - which he has about every 2 days for the past 3 years. He lives in my house and it's proving difficult to move him on. The more he thinks he can't get his own way the more he is tugging at my heart strings. I sometimes wonder if this is worse than putting up with all the shouting and drinking! He says he is going to live with his mum who is lovely but frail and elderly but 'needs to find the right time as she will be devastated'. Tonight he has joined the gym and has been baking for me also cooing over my dogs. The same dogs he shouts at when under the influence.I feel I no longer love him and have been nothing more than a mother figure to him.Thought I was cracking last night until he said 'If your only problem is me drinking I can easy sort that'. He sees it as my problem. I have given him contacts for support groups but despite saying he will contact them he hasn't. Feel at the end of my tether but wondered if the manipulative behaviour associated with an addiction is done consciously and calculated? I feel I have to be hard to ultimately get him to get help but I feel so guilty.
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Old 10-04-2010, 02:21 PM
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Hi Heatherw and
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Old 10-04-2010, 02:31 PM
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Of course he doesn't want to give you and the drinking would upset the lifestyle he has become accustomed to....and yes, he will do those things to get you off your decision...
But the thing is, it is your life and your decision..he doesn't have to agree with you....
any more than you have to agree with his drinking lifestyle...

I always thought I had to have a "good enough reason and rational argument" for my choices about whether I wanted out...and it's not true, it is enough all by it's self that I wanted out. That was good enough.
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Old 10-04-2010, 02:40 PM
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Welcome to the SR family HeatherW!

Welcome to you from across the pond. There are members here from all across the globe. please pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

Your loved ones manipulation is typical addictive behavior. Say anything, justify everything, respect no one, and take responsibility for nothing are also common traits of active addiction.

The addiction is the priority for the alcoholic.

I tried to manipulate, control, fix, love, heal my alcoholic husband. It just left me resentful, exhausted, frustrated, doubtful and simply crazy!

I came here to SR and learned about the three C's of his addiction:

I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it

I had to accept that the addiction belonged to him as well as the recovery. I also learned that I had my own recovery journey to begin.

That's how this forum works. Friends & Family members helping each other along the way.

Here are some steps that have worked for us:

Let us know how we can help you!
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Old 10-04-2010, 03:56 PM
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Thankyou all so much for your supportive words and the great link. Made such alot of sense. It's strange but I feel better discovering this forum and it is heart warming to know your not alone. Reading some of the threads it all sounds so familiar.
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Old 10-04-2010, 04:40 PM
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Alcoholics aren't done drinking until they are "done." They will make promises and avoid the issue as long as it's possible to do so, unless they decide, for some reason (and you never know what the reason will be, or how long it will take to get there) to quit drinking. The motivation has to be internal, or it won't stick.

Just giving you the heads-up that even forcing him to leave, even breaking up with him, may not compel him to get the help that he needs. You have no control over it.

That said, you need to make decisions that give YOU the kind of life YOU want for yourself. Continuing in a relationship with an active alcoholic can be a long series of heartbreaks, as you no doubt already know. It's progressive and unlikely to get better unless he makes a serious INTERNAL decision that he wants to stop.

You'll find a lot of support here. We all "get" where you are coming from.
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Old 10-04-2010, 06:14 PM
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hi heatherw-

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Old 10-04-2010, 11:17 PM
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Hi Heather!(BTW beautiful name!I like it)

They treat dogs like they treat humans. "I'm so wonderful and cooperative and loving, let me bake you a cake!" then when drunk, or when access to alcohol is not granted, or when you don't shut up and let them spew their insults/yelling to you, HELL it is. Its Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

There is much info and support in this site.
Welcome, sadly we all here get what you mean. Gladly many of us feel much better and see the light at the end of the tunnel....
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Old 10-04-2010, 11:19 PM
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Hi Heather - I am in the UK too.
I am now almost 8 weeks separated from my husband who is now in recovery for his alcohol problem. I have learned tons here and have read codependent no more, which turned my life and way of thinking completely upside down.
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Old 10-05-2010, 04:45 AM
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Welcome, Heather, and please feel free to tap all the great wisdom here.

What your alcoholic partner is doing is pretty textbook, actually. The more you learn, the more you realize that words between you and an alcoholic are like bubbles. They have no substance whatsoever--Theirs have no substance because they are simply using them to get what they want. There is no interest in actually connecting with you in a meaningful way. Yours are like bubbles because all of your well-intentioned words are going to go right over his head.

Sounds like you are making good progress already in the "action" department, though. Keep it up!
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Old 10-05-2010, 06:13 AM
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Welcome Heather. You have come to a wonderful place filled with understanding and experience and lots of wisdom.

It never ceases to amaze me how similar all of our stories can be.

Keep reading and posting. I have found it very helpful.
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Old 10-05-2010, 06:59 AM
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Welcome I'm in the UK too, don't post often but welcome in..I get to much heart and confidence to move on in my life here
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Old 10-05-2010, 08:19 AM
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hi HeatherW...Sending you a warm welcome from Canada. I'm so glad you found this place. I hope you keep coming back and posting as often as you like!
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